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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate my pre-teen (12yo) right now?

275 replies

t33jay · 14/04/2016 21:47

Having checked Parent Pay Transaction History we've realised he has been stealing money (sums approx £500) from us, then using the money to top up his cashless account in school via the machine. Sometimes in cornershops to buy sweets, but mostly to buy school dinners.

He is on packed lunch as we have told the school that he is on organic diet only to find out that he has been given a 'canteen access card' in school and this is what he has been using to buy ridiculous amount of food. He does not have the fingerprint access, hence the access card.

So gets his meals at home + snacks & pudding + packed lunch AND gets sweets + at least £10 worth of food from the canteen ON MOST DAYS!!!

Surely the schools should put a limit on the amount a child can spend on a day!?!!!!!!!

I have a meeting with the headmaster tomorrow. Give me more ammos, am going there all guns blazing!!!!

To say that I am livid is an understatement.

OP posts:
igglepiggleisanarsehole · 14/04/2016 22:40

I hope you're trolling. Really really do. Yes, you're being unreasonable. Theft is unacceptable agreed, but everything following that is completely unhinged. And please do a little more research on eating organic - it really isn't as healthy or pesticide free or 'toxin' free as you think it is.

ilove · 14/04/2016 22:40

They gave the child the access card because, yunno - he's part of the school and treated equally to everyone else.

usual · 14/04/2016 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PovertyPain · 14/04/2016 22:42

I hope you support your poor son a little lot better when he ends up with an eating disorder, because using food the way you do is liable to cause him issues.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 14/04/2016 22:42

Why did they give him school access card if the headmaster knows he will not have school dinner?

Because kids generally don't only have lunch, they buy drinks and snacks too. Remember nearly all the kids in school will be older than him - some will be actual adults. Also secondary schools deal as far as possible with their pupils directly, not via mum and dad - completely different relationship to primary school, IME.

HPsauciness · 14/04/2016 22:42

I think it's reasonable if you have an overweight child to take them off school dinners (some of which are very carby, stodgy and also rely on the child to make good choices) and put them on a packed lunch.

Where it's fallen down here is that it seems that your son can't be honest with you about it all, and isn't on board with the packed lunch or the reasons behind it. He obviously does have a problem with food, if he's eating that much and sweets every day, it's very compulsive.

I can understand why you are upset over this, but I think the caution not to demonize one child is sensible- don't hate him, but do think about how you can seek help and support for him- he's stealing essentially to gain food which suggests very disordered eating as well as other issues.

ouryve · 14/04/2016 22:42

I know what organic food is, darling. What people don't understand is why he is only given organic food.

Given the way you are relating to people in this thread, OP, and your apparent paranoia about what's in what your DS eats, I can safely say that your 12 year old is probably not so fond of you at the moment, either.

That no way excuses the stealing, but unless you handle this sensitively, instead of flapping and squawking at him about pesticides and junk - unless you listen to him, you will have a tough time with him as a teen because he won't listen to you, either.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 14/04/2016 22:42

Poor kid. "Short and stout"? Hmm

Original poster
t33jay · 14/04/2016 22:42

I only got my parent pay login for his account last week.

They get the same meals at home - the only difference is the school dinner i.e. The freedom to choose what he eats.

Seriously, I appreciate the replies from most of you but some of you are just plain judgemental people who just look for an escape to call names and swear.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 14/04/2016 22:43

Why did they give him school access card if the headmaster knows he will not have school dinner?

Did you actually say "Please try to prevent him from having school dinners"?

This is entirely a matter between you and your son, and it seems your relationship with him is broken. You need to fix that. Blaming the school won't help at all.

Alb1 · 14/04/2016 22:43

So one is tall and slim and gets to eat what he wants, the other is short and stout, a 'trouble maker' and has his food controlled.... Ever considered that your parenting wrong? His actions of theft are out of order, your acts of faveroutism are absolutely no better.

Deffiently agree that the school should have a limit, but you weren't checking either so it's your fault too

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 14/04/2016 22:44

OP unless your sons a teapot then short and stout is an awful way to speak about him.

CocktailQueen · 14/04/2016 22:45

How can he have run up a £500 debt if you only got his login last week??

In dd's school, if she runs out of credit, she won't get lunch until I top it up.

But surely you should have been keeping an eye on his account? I just don't understand this.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 14/04/2016 22:45

"AIBU "To hate my pre-teen (12yo) right now?*"

Yes.

ouryve · 14/04/2016 22:45

Organic food is no less fattening for your "little troublemaker" than any other food.

dietcokeandwine · 14/04/2016 22:45

Deep breaths op and have a read back through your posts and think about the situation ^as your 12yo would see it^.

Older sibling allowed school dinners and freedom, he is not.

Because you think he is too fat and short.

Older sibling is the perfect slim, sporty, well behaved child and you love him. Younger sibling is fat and short and badly behaved and you hate him.

Based on what you've written here, anyway.

Confused

Flipping heck, I'm no Tanya Byron, but I could hazard a guess at why the poor boy is stealing and binge eating.

Please have a think about how best to try and address these issues. Think about why he is stealing. Cry for help or attention maybe? Sheer frustration and anger that he will never be the favoured child? Blaming the school for allowing a canteen card is the very least of your problems.

HPsauciness · 14/04/2016 22:46

This is a weird thread.

Usually on MN everyone condemns parents who let their children get overweight, and also condemn them using euphemisms and not facing the fact they are fat.

Here, everyone seems to think having all you can eat school dinners even if you are overweight is an equality issue, and that calling a child 'short and stout' is terrible.

It sounds like the relationship between you and him is straining, OP, have a think about how you can get him back on side, as well as punish him for the stealing.

Alb1 · 14/04/2016 22:47

Reading back sorry if you think my comment about your parenting is harsh, your probably not doing it all wrong, it's just you worded it very harshly yourself, and saying you hate your own child is horrible, I hope he can't sense that from you or it's no wonder he's acting out

abbsismyhero · 14/04/2016 22:52

my child has put on weight i don't restrict her at school i let her crack on with it because there is a limit to how much she can get down her neck in a short lunch time on limited funds i cut her portions at home it's less stressful and to be honest im not stressing too much over it my focus is health not weight loss she is still growing and it will end up better distributed in the end

Sallyingforth · 14/04/2016 22:52

What a thread!

"AIBU To hate my pre-teen (12yo) right now?"

Mumsnet: Yes YABU to hate your son.

"You're all wrong. He's short and fat and steals"

Mumsnet: That's no way to treat your son.

"You're all wrong and being beastly to me. I know I'm right."

Mumsnet: Why are you asking then if you won't listen to the answers?

enchantedfairytale · 14/04/2016 22:52

HP, I don't think that's what people are saying, really, although I agree that the 'overweight children' thing goes too far at times.

My concern here is that the child seems to be restricted to a ridiculous extent. My mother was very controlling about food (and it has left me with issues) but even she wouldn't have dreamed of contacting the Head Shock at senior school Shock Shock to 'ban' me from the canteen.

A child overeating to this extent does scream of other issues. If it had been a one off I would agree a stern telling off and appropriate punishment was in order but this is way beyond that, in the same way that 'my fourteen year old swiped a bottle of vodka and came home hungover after a sleepover with her mates' is really naughty but 'normal'; 'my fourteen year old gets drunk every night' is a real problem, if you see what I mean.

Brightnorthernlights · 14/04/2016 22:55

I don't understand. Both my children have parent pay accounts (different schools). Unless I physically go on the site and top up the balance, which involves me entering my 3 digit credit card security number, they cannot buy anything.

How has your son topped up the balance? Parent pay passwords/access is given to parents, so how did he access the system.

You cannot force a 12 year old to eat how you want when they are not with you. It would be better to discuss and nurture healthy eating, to encourage your son to make healthy choices himself and not to use food as a method of control, it just won't work.

ShebaShimmyShake · 14/04/2016 22:56

Yes, OP, it is unreasonable to hate your own child for reacting to your blatant favouritism. Hope that helps. Would you like to know the Pope's religious preference or bears' general site of defecation?

Potterwolfie · 14/04/2016 22:56

If a family sets up Parent Pay then surely, like any financial account, they would check it regularly to ensure every incoming and outgoing amount is accounted for.

Your son would need access to your bank card and have the passwords to access the App to be able to load it up with cash, and you would receive an email every time an amount is added.

You need to sit down as a family, work out why he's stealing money to buy food in school and address each issue separately, in a calm and sensible way, and agree a way forward. This is not the school's fault or responsibility.

enchantedfairytale · 14/04/2016 22:57

You can use cash at some schools.

However I suspect OP would have noticed £10+ going missing on a daily basis, so seems more likely he's accessed her credit card.

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