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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a bit out of order?

56 replies

Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 13/04/2016 10:59

Dp has a son with his Exgf.

He sees DSS every other weekend and the last time DSS came over he was talking about how his mum had told him 'Daddy's money pays for our holidays'.

Dp pays maintainance and obviously is happy to pay this money for DSS etc but AIbu to think that its a bit out of order for DSS' mum to be telling her son that she is spending it on holidays?

I mean, I know you can't dictate what someone spends their maintainance on, nor should you be able to, but why did she have to talk to him (DSS) about it at all? He is 7, its not like he knows or cares what his maintainance money is spent on! It felt like some kind of a point was attempting to be made by her (not sure what?) because she knew that it would be repeated by DSS to Dp.

OP posts:
ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 13/04/2016 11:04

Probably just something she said in passing. How would she know it would be repeated?

I don't think it's a big deal tbh.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 13/04/2016 11:08

You don't really know the context in which it was said though, do you.

Perhaps without the CM they would only manage day-to-day expenses and wouldn't be able to take a holiday at all?

Snoringlittlemonkey · 13/04/2016 11:09

In the nicest possible way I would stay out of it. What happens to the maintenance money is up to her once it's passed from him to her. There's nothing you can do to control the situation and getting annoyed won't do any good. He has to pay it and she has to put a roof over the child's head. I'm sure there's loads of other expenses she is paying for above and beyond the CM.

Lunar1 · 13/04/2016 11:11

It's probably just that she budgets and him paying maintenance means that she is able to afford a holiday within the budget. He's probably taken something said very literally.

Hygge · 13/04/2016 11:18

Without knowing the context it's hard to say why she told her son what she spends the money on.

In practical terms, as long as their son is still getting everything he needs, it shouldn't really make a difference if she uses her money for day to day stuff and saves the maintenance for holidays.

In fact, if the maintenance goes into a different account to the one her salary goes into, it's probably easier to leave it there to pay for the bigger expenses like holidays. It's all in one place and easier to keep track off. I suppose the same applies if your partner hands over a certain amount in cash every week and she puts it in a jar in the cupboard.

As long as their son isn't going without things he needs so the holiday can be paid for, it shouldn't really matter if she doesn't use that actual money from your DP on day to day things but puts it aside for holidays.

Your DP would still be paying the same money, she would still be taking their son on holiday.

If you feel she was making a point to be nasty, be the bigger person and let it go. If she was just talking to her son, don't stir up an issue where there isn't one. In either case, leave it to your DP and stay out of it because making an issue will only cause trouble.

WellErrr · 13/04/2016 11:22

This is -

A - not a big deal

B - fuck all to do with you

HTH.

FeelingSmurfy · 13/04/2016 11:24

Try to look on the bright side, his dad gets credit for his mum taking him on holiday

Arfarfanarf · 13/04/2016 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waypasttethersend · 13/04/2016 11:30

What Arf said, you need to change your attitude from its currently negative place to one where you presumed someone is a nice person who has no "points".

It makes life better.

Pootles2010 · 13/04/2016 11:32

No, not at all - this little boy knows that his dad looks after him, and provides him with lovely things like holidays. Sounds great to me.

longdiling · 13/04/2016 11:34

How do you know it wasn't the result of a conversation like 'why isn't Dad taking me on holiday too?' 'well he sort of is because his money is helping pay for this one'

Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 13/04/2016 11:37

DSS repeats everything, Dp has to be quite careful about what he says around him! She phoned Dp all annoyed recently because DSS had said something about her bf not being part of the family and she thought it had been overheard from Dp (it wasn't).

That's a nice way to look at it smurfy but I'm 99% sure that was not the way it was said or intended.

They have enough money that expenses etc are not a problem, they go on at least 2 holidays a year.

I appreciate that it isn't directly to do with me but it kind of is when Dp is on a low wage and gives 1/4 of it to Exgf, then he finds that she spends it on holidays when we can't afford any sort of luxuries for ourselves (no sky tv, fags etc). No, its not a big deal at all, just a bit irritating Smile

OP posts:
MyLocal · 13/04/2016 11:37

YABU, what she probably meant was his money is the difference between having a holiday and not. Whilst his money may pay for the holiday, her money therefore pays for the child's school trips, clothes, food etc

WakeUpFast · 13/04/2016 11:41

Nothing to do with you. Unless DSS looks underfed with raggedy clothes and ripped shoes.

Oldraver · 13/04/2016 11:43

Its a twatty thing to say but just ignore it

NNalreadyinuse · 13/04/2016 11:44

I agree that what she said was nice - she is giving his dad the credit for something lovely.

Just to add though, your dp is not giving his exgf 1/4 of his wage - he is contributing towards his child's upbringing, not keeping his ex in designer shoes! You will find yourself feeling less bitter if you remember that this money is for his child. Also, her financial situation and what she can afford compared to your dp is not relevant to anything so put it out of your mind.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 13/04/2016 11:44

Not being arsey but it really isn't anything to do with you what that money goes towards. If your dp still lived with them im sure he would be contributing a hell of a lot more to the family pot. Just because she accepts his CM it doesn't mean they have to act piss poor. He owes that little boy that money and it obviously all goes in to the pot do they can afford nice things. Which they entitled to do.

You choose a bloke with a child and a low wage. At least she is acknowledging to her son that dads money helps them do nice things

Patterkiller · 13/04/2016 11:45

I also thought it was a nice thing to say reinforcing to Dss that his dad is a good guy. Don't see one problem at all.

Catmuffin · 13/04/2016 11:51

If she is spending the maintenance on a holiday then presumably she is having to cover all her son's other expenses with her own family money, so it all evens out.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 13/04/2016 11:52

I appreciate that it isn't directly to do with me but it kind of is when Dp is on a low wage and gives 1/4 of it to Exgf, then he finds that she spends it on holidays when we can't afford any sort of luxuries for ourselves (no sky tv, fags etc).

No, it really isn't. Their maintenance agreement is between them and them alone. Your DP's maintenance goes into the pot that sustains his child, as it should. You and your DP not being able to afford luxuries is bugger all to do with his ex.

What she's said to her child simply gives the child's father financial credit for something the child enjoys.

Keep your beak out.

Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 13/04/2016 11:53

I'm not bitter about him paying maintainance for his son at all! Its one of the things I really like about Dp, that whatever difficult situation he is in with his Ex or with jobs, he always keeps his contact and payments up.

I am bitter about my own Ex who has not paid me a penny in maintainance since he left and isn't likely to either. I'm not bothered about wasting time and energy chasing him for it, afaic I enjoy providing for my dcs and not having to rely on anyone else's money for them.

OP posts:
PPie10 · 13/04/2016 11:57

I am bitter about my own Ex who has not paid me a penny in maintainance since he left and isn't likely to either.

So what does that have to do with your dss and his mother?

Inertia · 13/04/2016 12:00

Your bitterness needs to be either turned into positive action in chasing your own ex for the money he owes, or put behind you. It really isn't fair to transfer bitterness to the relationships between you, DP, his ex and your stepson because your DP is doing the right thing by his child. It wouldn't be fair for your stepson to go without because your ex won't pay for his own children.

It could well be a diplomatic answer from the ex, perhaps if your stepson was asking about holidays with his dad.

NNalreadyinuse · 13/04/2016 12:03

Sorry but you do sound bitter. It's not just 'anyone else's money' when it comes to cm being paid to support a child - it is the other parent paying their fair share.

Your dc have a right to financial support from their father and imo you ought to persue it if at all possible.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 13/04/2016 12:05

If your DP contributing towards his son's life is one of the things you like about him, stop focusing on not being able to afford luxuries. You come across as envious that his ex can.

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