Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a bit out of order?

56 replies

Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 13/04/2016 10:59

Dp has a son with his Exgf.

He sees DSS every other weekend and the last time DSS came over he was talking about how his mum had told him 'Daddy's money pays for our holidays'.

Dp pays maintainance and obviously is happy to pay this money for DSS etc but AIbu to think that its a bit out of order for DSS' mum to be telling her son that she is spending it on holidays?

I mean, I know you can't dictate what someone spends their maintainance on, nor should you be able to, but why did she have to talk to him (DSS) about it at all? He is 7, its not like he knows or cares what his maintainance money is spent on! It felt like some kind of a point was attempting to be made by her (not sure what?) because she knew that it would be repeated by DSS to Dp.

OP posts:
ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 13/04/2016 12:12

Why don't you claim money from your ex so you can afford luxuries instead of being bitter about your dps ex being able to afford nice things for your dss?

Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 13/04/2016 12:16

Of course I'm envious that his ex can! I fully admit that, I'm envious about a lot of people who can do and afford a lot of things that I can't, and its even more annoying to know that if my Ex paid his fair share then maybe I could afford some luxuries.

PPie, that statement was just to illustrate the fact that I know from first hand experience what it is like to be on the receiving end of an Ex who pays no maintainance and doesn't see their children so I would never, ever suggest that Dp paid less to his Ex for their son.

I'm not going to chase my Ex for it, we are going through a divorce at the moment and I know he has no assets to seize, no property, no money to take so it is pointless. He is the type of person that would quit his job (if he had one at all) to avoid paying. He hasn't seen the dcs in 6 months and tbh I'm really not bothered about his money I'd rather he kept it and used it to enable him to have regular contact and a good relationship with his children.

OP posts:
TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 13/04/2016 12:17

Why is it out of order for her to spending CM on enriching her child's life with holidays?

There's no reason why she shouldn't tell her DS that his dad essentially pays for the holidays either. Now his father will be linked in his mind to all the lovely times he has on holiday, and he'll know that his dad, even if he can't be with him all the time, cares very much about him.

It would have been out of order if she was saying Daddy's money pays for my handbags, but choosing a way to spend the money that will benefit the child is exactly what she's supposed to do, and sounds like she is doing.

PPie10 · 13/04/2016 12:20

It's unreasonable though that you are turning your upset at your own situation towards your dss and his mother. You are envious but you have kids of your own so can't you see it's a good thing his dad is still ensuring his son is taken care of. You came after his son, and any luxuries you are missing out isn't his problem.

AnUtterIdiot · 13/04/2016 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fratelli · 13/04/2016 12:33

Maybe you could encourage your dp to have his child more often? So he can see the costs of raising him.

MajesticWhine · 13/04/2016 12:36

She can spend it on what she likes. And no it's not out of order. Would you rather DSS was living in poverty and she had to decide whether to spend the money on school shoes or food?

ElderlyKoreanLady · 13/04/2016 12:38

On a rather envious and slightly pointed note, I'd love it if the amount I received in maintenance was enough to pay for holidays. Strange that someone who pays such generous maintenance doesn't have a high enough wage to afford a few luxuries after.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/04/2016 12:45

I don't get this at all - you chose someone with a child, he pays for that child, all well and good, although what she spends it on is nothing to do with you, and what dss repeated isn't nasty at all

You don't get cm from your ex, ok, not great but it's got bugger all to do with the cm your current partner pays for his child Confused

Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 13/04/2016 12:46

Dp can't have him any more often due to his work situation.

I didn't actually suggest that she is out of order for spending the money on that, she can spend it on what she likes! As I said in my OP I think she was out of order for telling DSS that she was spending it on holidays, and in the way it was said. I don't think there is any real need to discuss finances between yourself and your Ex with the dcs. Unless its something that has been specifically paid for, such as birthday/Christmas presents, but thats probably just me.

I never said it was DSS' problem that we miss out on luxuries PPie.

Utteridiot, no I absolutely don't think that she should not be chasing Dp for payment, he knows that DSS is his responsibility and is happy to pay for him, he doesn't need chasing. What I choose to do about my Ex and his money is up to me but I do accept that emotionally it is bound to have an impact on how I feel. Doesn't mean it will impact on DSS or Dp though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 13/04/2016 12:53

It isn't hugely generous in terms of ££££ elderly but it represents a significant proportion of his overall wage. So it is enough to pay for holidays if you save it up.

OP posts:
CreviceImp · 13/04/2016 12:53

Stop allowing yourself to be financially abused by your X.

Take some action. A child is the responsibility of BOTH parents.

Your current partner and his child maintenance is none of your business as has already been pointed out.

I am surprised , but happy to hear, a quarter of his income is contributed in meeting his responsibilities towards his child. It is how it should be.

amarmai · 13/04/2016 12:55

do you think that 1/4 of your dp's low wage actually pays for 1/2 of what it costs to pay for this child?

LineyReborn · 13/04/2016 12:59

Why is he paying above the CMS rate if he's so skint? Presumably he set a private arrangement in place some time ago?

I agree it's good for your DP to get credit for the nice things in his son's life.

MartinaJ · 13/04/2016 12:59

Well, it's the truth and well done to your partner to support his children. You sound a bit bitter though, a bit of an evil stepmum coming through? Do you have a reason to be jealous?

TheNIghtManagersWife · 13/04/2016 13:01

Dp can't have him any more often due to his work situation

So his exW should take on the bulk of childcare because it's not convenient for your H, but she should also never mention any private thoughts even in passing, in case dad gets upset?

She is not being unreasonable at all.

You can't be bitter with your ExH if you chose not to chase payments. You are cutting off your nose to spite your face there. Even if he only pays £5/week or something he is morally obliged to, and you can stash it into an account for your child if you don't need it now. You are doing your child a disservice there.

I'm a single mum with a non-paying ExH so I do sympathise but you have to do something about it or choose to let it go emotionally.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 13/04/2016 13:12

I don't think she's being out of order- quite the opposite as she is actually acknowledging what her son's father has paid for, rather than having the money passed on to her and pretending that she pays for absolutely everything when she doesn't.
Good on her!

corythatwas · 13/04/2016 13:16

"Its one of the things I really like about Dp, that whatever difficult situation he is in with his Ex or with jobs, he always keeps his contact and payments up."

Isn't that a bit like saying "one thing I really like about dh's ex is that she feeds the children however pissed off she may be with dh"?

Paying the money to maintain your own child doesn't make you a nice person, it just makes you not a monster.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 13/04/2016 13:17

Although if she's telling him that daddy has paid for her to go on holiday with her friends/boyfriend/whoever and he isn't going then I can see your point! If the holiday benefits her son and she tells him that his dad has paid for it with the money he gives her for HIM then she's a good'n.

corythatwas · 13/04/2016 13:19

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot Wed 13-Apr-16 12:17:24

"Why is it out of order for her to spending CM on enriching her child's life with holidays?

There's no reason why she shouldn't tell her DS that his dad essentially pays for the holidays either. Now his father will be linked in his mind to all the lovely times he has on holiday, and he'll know that his dad, even if he can't be with him all the time, cares very much about him."

I agree with this. If she wanted to be really mean she would tell the ds "I buy you all the nice things, like holidays and toys, your dad only pays for boring things like toilet paper and electricity".

Original poster
Bloodystupidusernamer00lz · 13/04/2016 13:21

Actually, she did go on holiday with her bf without DSS last year!

At the moment amarmai, yes Dp does contribute at least the same amount as his Ex does.

And yes Liney, Dp and his Ex have had a private arrangement in place from when DSS was born. I believe he even paid her maintainance for DSS when they were still together and living together.

Nightmanager, my Ex is doing my children a disservice my refusing to pay for his children. I am trying to let it go but it would be easier if he actually bothered to see them, that would mean more to me and them than any amount of money would.

I do believe that private thoughts about your Ex should not be shared with the children and that an effort should be made to be respectful of their feelings whenever possible. I don't post pictures of my dc with Dp online, for example, for that reason, because I try to respect that my Ex wouldn't appriciate it (even though he doesn't really deserve that courtesy tbh).

OP posts:
ElderlyKoreanLady · 13/04/2016 13:23

OP, if 1/4 of your DP's wage really amounts to all of your joint disposable income as a couple, you should really reconsider your decision to not persue maintenance from your ex for your own children.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/04/2016 13:26

Are you actually reading

Costacoffeeplease · 13/04/2016 13:27

Posted too soon

... these replies, why is it not ok to say daddy pays for holidays? That's a nice thing

DinosaursRoar · 13/04/2016 13:29

It could be something he's overheard and your DP's exP didn't mean for him to hear it. If your DP does earn a relatively low wage compared to her/her current DP, then it could well be that they have based their budget not to include it incase your DP in the future couldn't pay, reserving it for things like holidays that they don't 'need'.

It could be that she was trying to be nice, particularly if it's clear to DSS that his Mum/Step-Dad earns a lot more money, to give him something tanagable that she could say "Dad pays for that", when it's probably clear that step-dad and Mum pay for pretty much everything else for him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread