Argh stupid pointless lie. I'm such a dick!

[Namechangeohnamechange]

Name changed for this because I feel like such a twat but I'm a regular I promise.

Bumped into a guy I've known for a few years today when out for a walk with the dc. Closer to an acquaintance than a friend but have always really liked him.

Anyway we were chatting and he was admiring my dc and he then told me that him and his wife were going through IVF. I don't know what on earth came over me, but next thing I knew I was pointing at DD1 and telling him that she was an IVF baby. She absolutely was not an IVF baby. In fact she was pretty much the opposite.

I know, it was totally stupid. And I don't know why I did it. He just looked so stressed out and sad I think I wanted to give him a positive story and also I've always thought that one of the hardest things about infertility must be the feeling that everyone else around you is getting pregnant without any trouble so I wanted to give him some solidarity.

Anyway. He then said that his wife was struggling a lot and would I have a coffee with her to talk about my experience and raise her spirits. He said he was sure she would love to talk to me about it all as they don't know anyone else that has gone through it. Next thing he was whipping out his phone to make sure he had my number and we went out separate ways.

So fuckity fuck what on earth do I do now to make sure this doesn't get any worse. I reckon these are my options, would greatly appreciate opinions. I don't really like any of them.

1. Come clean and tell him it was a lie I invented to cheer him up. Not that keen on this option as I will look really bad (and slightly crazy) and can't imagine it will make him feel great.

2. Go for the coffee and continue the lie. But that would be awful, no?

3. Text him and tell him that on second thoughts I'd rather not meet up because I find it difficult to talk about still. But that feels selfish.

The other thought making me shit myself is what if he mentions it to someone else we both know. Like, Oh I didn't know Mr and Mrs Namechangeohnamechange had had IVF. And they are like, Um no they didn't.

I'm in a right mess aren't I?

Don't mention "in their attempts to conceive." Too private for you to say given how you've got no control over your mouth.

Tell the truth. Say you said the words without thinking, then you were too embarrassed to stop him in full flow. You really really didn't mean to cause offence, but spoke without thinking because you felt bad because he looked so unhappy and you didn't want hime to think you had had it easy. Or something. You may lose a friend but better than harbouring a secret.

Janecc spot on.

It's not the same purple , no.

But while telling the truth may be the best thing for the OP to do, having been through lots of fertility treatment my empathy is mostly with the couples' feelings, not the OP's

I think I would partially own up but say it was a misunderstanding. That you meant to say that you thought you might have to have ivf too. Say you realised you misled him at the time, but by the time it escaped your mouth, you had digged yourself a hole and just wanted to offer solidarity.

I wouldn't t just say, I lied I have no idea why but by the time it escaped your mouth....etc. I think you could risk hurting the couple and making them think you are either just slightly odd or very odd. It could be perceived that instead of you wanting to help and show support that you wanted to be part of the gang and be all 'me too'. I'm not saying at all that is what you thought....it sounds completely like it was just one of those horrible foot in mouth things. And I can't really imagine anyone being like that....but when you have fertility issues it can mess with your head and you can think the most negative connotation there is (I had fertility issues and if someone made a minor insensitivity thing it became the biggest thing ever, and I didn't have the rigmarole of IVf). Of course, everyone is different and the husband and wife may be fine, but I'd worry that I'd cause them more angst. I'd own up but make it as palatable for them as possible.

I also wouldn't offer up any other friends who'd had IVF. I'm sure the husband is being well intentioned and trying desperately to help but possibly the wife may not want to speak to you or anyone else unless it's a friend of hers or of her choosing anyway.

Mewling, I did think what it would be like for the couple to hear that the OP lied. But I still think it's much better than them finding out another way.

From the OP.

I don't know what on earth came over me, but next thing I knew I was pointing at DD1 and telling him that she was an IVF baby.

Any suggestion from OP that he misunderstood that is going to make her seem twisted as well just plain nuts.
There is no room for any conceivable misunderstanding there. Like...none.

I'm in the same position quim but imagine you'd found out that a friend who told they'd been through fertility too had lied about it. Isn't that much more of a betrayal than getting an apologetic text the next day?

^fertility problems

omg like a friend of mine who made up a pet dog.....only worse. Damage limitiation....it was lovely to see you. I think I may have blabbed on too much. good luck with the future.

Just wanting to gently point out that the couple might see the funny side. You haven't murdered their cat op. You just made a daft sentence up to try and show empathy. Personally I would definitely find it funny.
If I were you I would still ask for a meet up to treat them to coffee and cake and explain why you said what you did. I'd be quite touched that you wanted to cheer us up tbh.

Dear Alex,
I am an idiot. I so wanted to give you a positive story that I said dd was an IVF baby, which she wasn't. I'm so sorry. If Jane ever feels like going for a coffee with a massive imbecile, she should give me a ring, but I realise she probably won't.
Namechange

Ring him as soon as you can and either meet him or talk on the phone but TELL THE TRUTH. Yes you will sound like a nutter, but a kind nutter. If you go for option 3 you'll be being nasty to people who are already down. Your intentions were honorable even though you did a bit of a strange thing.

I say this as someone who almost went through IVF and would have loved to have had that coffee. To have someone 'decided not to share' is another kick in the gut but this way yes you'll look a bit daft but nothing more. Your original post puts it quite well. As the barren witch that I am I'd forgive 1 but be hurt by 3.

cross post. Send Margie's email. It's perfect.

purple - I think you're right that continuing to lie would be a betrayal. Absolutely. Your posts are always so sensible and I absolutely don't mean to disagree with you - I think we broadly agree in fact! I just wanted to preface this post with that, because it's more some thoughts on the whole uncertainties of fertility generally than an answer to anyone in particular!

I think there is perhaps a danger of assuming 'authenticity' of experience trumps empathy. There is no one 'authentic' experience of infertility or even of IVF - there's just lots of different ways of going through it, some of which have things in common with one another, others of which don't. Any of them - at all - that end in a baby are very, very different to those that fail completely. The thing about the position of the friends is that no-one can really be sure which of those categories they will fall into. Hopefully it will be the former, but possibly the latter. If the latter, then the experience of those who have successfully been through IVF may not even be that relevant. That's the horrible thing about the situation: there is a temporality to it that means the outcome is very much one way or the other - you pass through a gate or you don't, your life is transformed or it isn't- and that outcome is completely unpredictable at the present time. I am not sure that the retrospective memory of uncertainty experienced by those with successful outcomes is really the 'same' as the memory of it for those who haven't, IYSWIM.

I don't think the uncertainty is something that cannot be remotely comprehended by anyone who hasn't been through it either: most people have some experience of uncertainty in life, and I am not sure there is a huge qualitative difference in terms of anxiety suffered between, say, the uncertainties of fertility treatment and the uncertainties of waiting to hear about a major diagnosis, like cancer. What you do have is a difference between empathetic and unempathetic people, however!! Anyone going through the mill needs a little more of the former type, and a little less of the latter!!

to all those undergoing IVF.

I think Margie's text is terrific.

I agree shove and very much appreciate being called sensible. That doesn't happen much in real life!

I have to dash to work now which saves everyone from a rant about all the shit "helpful" things people have said to me. I agree that margies text has the right sort of tone to it. Good luck op.

Don't confess to the lie actively, just don't do it. You put your foot in your mouth, had a brain freeze and something silly fell out. If pushed say you'd rather not talk about it and end it there.

Your issue is that you seem to just keep on talking when it's really not necessary, for example, your offer to put them in touch with another couple. Why would you? How would you even go about that! You'd effectively be inviting others to see just how much of an oddball you are. Just stop stop stop. Drop the whole thing and don't be drawn into it.

Adrenaline "Don't confess to the lie actively, just don't do it."

why not? Genuinely curious why you think it's so terrible to come clean.

Go for 3, and tell your husband what an idiot you have been so he doesn't get surprised if someone mentions something (I can assure you he will feel so embarrassed about your lie that he would follow through )

Honestly, is the lesser of 3 evils.

Liking margies text too.

I also like Margie's text wording.
Anything else is too convoluted.

I'm actually at how many posters think it's ok to continue a stupid lie.
If you fess up to something you've done in life, it becomes yesterday's news very quickly - you need a good memory to be a liar.

I dislike liars far, far more than I could ever dislike someone who had been stupid but honest.

It's terrible to come clean because they're going to think WHY? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MAKE THAT UP?

And there really isn't an explanation that doesn't make the OP out to be thoughtless at best and malicious bitch at worst. They don't need this shite in their lives, so the OP can feel better.

Upsi - "It's terrible to come clean because they're going to think WHY? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MAKE THAT UP? .... They don't need this shite in their lives, so the OP can feel better."

I'm not suggesting the OP come clean to make her feel better. I'm suggesting it because it's the decent thing to do and if they have any further contact with her, the only alternatives are:

a) keep perpetuating the lie and give them false information
b) tell him he misunderstood which is unfair, it's just gaslighting him when he's having a shit time.

Believe me, my "tell the truth" argument has nothing whatsoever to with making the OP feel better. I'm concerned about the couple here.

if they never get in touch, that's something I guess, but if they do, then to keep on with the lie, or gaslight him, is a truly nasty thing thing to. I might not understand what the OP did originally but she wasn't being nasty when this happened.