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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've had enough oh my mother in law

72 replies

Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 15:47

I've been married for 24 years, I've always managed to try and ignore most of my mil's sarcasm, except for when she said things to me about my own lovely mother who sadly died very young from an asthma attack, I had to talk to my dh who then had to speak with his mother. Over the years since she has continued to say things, mostly sarcastic, She has now started saying things to my brother, he was commenting last week about how he hadn't slept well the night before and only had 3 hours sleep, she commented saying "what a pity" in her usual sarcastic tone. I am just not sure I can take it anymore :( :(

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 11/04/2016 16:12

How much contact are you having and as the situation stands now, what is your DHs opinion?

Is she like this with everyone?

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 16:51

I see her once a week usually.
My dh thinks she should think before she says things, no she isn't like this with everyone, it's obvious me and my mil don't like each other, it's one of those unsaid things because we are family :(

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 11/04/2016 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

liberatedwine · 11/04/2016 16:56

Is she definitely being sarcastic? Maybe she just has an unfortunate way of expressing herself.

If she's genuinely being unkind, confront her. Say why are you being so horrible to my brother? Do you think insomnia is funny? Have you no empathy?

ShtoppenDerFloppen · 11/04/2016 16:58

The problem with tone is that what is received by the listener isn't always intended by the speaker. Are you sure she is being sarcastic?

If she is, would it be out of place for you to try and distance yourself? Clearly this has been going on for ages, but eventually, enough is enough, right?

Mishaps · 11/04/2016 17:00

She sounds a bit waspy. And once a week sounds a bit heavy, given the circumstances. But you don't want to cause a rift with your OH over this if you can possibly help it - that would give her more power than she deserves.

Does she come to you or do you go to her? If it is the former, I would start being a bit busy on that day "SO sorry, but......."

Are you reliant on her for child care? - that might mean you have to just bite the bullet and get on with it.

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 17:06

She is an extremely difficult woman to understand, for me whether it wasn't meant to sound that way or not, to say to someone (what a pity) about not having much sleep isn't nice.
I've just had my birthday and again as I do every year, I received a card with no title, just happy birthday, nothing with daughter in law on.
At Christmas she said to my brother yet again as I was serving dinner as I do every year , oh you're here for the food aren't you, I was glad my brother responded with, "isn't that what you're here for too, I'm just so fed up with it

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realitybitescake · 11/04/2016 17:08

You're not alone. I got to the point with my own MIL where I didn't want to see her any more. She always said things to make me feel bad. For example, I had 40 hours labour followed by an emergency c-section where they could barely get my baby out. My relatives expressed some concern. My MIL, on the other hand, only said she knew a lady who had a c-section and went to a party the next day. Eventually you just don't want to deal with people who goal in the relationship is to cut you down.

ApocalypseNowt · 11/04/2016 17:09

Why are you seeing her once i week?

I quite like my MIL most of the time and live 5 mins away but i don't see her that often. I would disengage.

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 17:09

No, not reliant on her at all. She comes here to my house, but my father in law is so lovely. I never go to see her for reasons I said earlier, she upset me when I was much younger over comments about my mother

OP posts:
Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 17:14

She comes to my house once a week when I have my 2 year old granddaughter, how can I wiggle out of that situation? :(

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Chlobee87 · 11/04/2016 17:18

Ugh. People like this wind me up. I bet she's one of those who can dish it out but can't take it back. The ones who are rude as anything but if someone calls them out on their lack of manners or nastiness, suddenly they are the victim.

Somehow I've ended up with tons of these people in my life. No idea how. I think just because - like you, I imagine - I have better manners than them and let too much slide.

I suppose the proper advice is to tackle her next time she does it (or, ideally, for your DH to tackle her) and say "I don't know if you're aware but you make comments like that quite often and to be honest I find it hurtful and unkind". But you have to be ready for her to play dumb or say it's just her sense of humour (yeah right) or accuse you of being awkward etc. etc. It depends if you and DH are bothered about an ongoing relationship. If not, just avoid as much as you can and let her get on with it.

Meggymoodle · 11/04/2016 17:21

"What a pity" or "what a shame" seems to be a perfectly reasonable way of responding to someone saying that they haven't had much sleep, maybe she didn't know what else to say. It's very difficult to say without hearing the tone obviously but maybe she wasn't meaning to be sarcastic.

I don't see the relevance of having a birthday card without daughter-in-law on it really - why is that important. I would never send anyone a card with "daughter" or "daughter-in-law" on it, I think they're a bit naff so maybe that's her view too. Or have I misunderstood and she doesn't write anything in them at all? If so, that is weird!

Why don't you ask her? It might be worth clearing the air. It might be a simple case of miscommunication.

ApocalypseNowt · 11/04/2016 17:26

I'd start having a toddler group real or imagined to attend. Or do some "sorry, can't this week, I'm meeting friends, etc" to break the habit.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/04/2016 17:26

The only answer to "but it's just my humour/style/ anything really is "well please don't it's rude"

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 17:33

Meggymoodle it wasn't said in a nice tone, I've known her too long. Maybe I'm reading too much into the daughter in law title, my dh works away a lot which leaves me to buy her birthday card, maybe I should buy her one without mother on the front of the card? I think I would find it hard to do that even though she's not my mother.
She asked me a couple of years ago if I wanted to borrow her diet book, just out of the blue, I never mentioned about dieting to her

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Janecc · 11/04/2016 17:36

Sounds like my not so dm. The weather is getting better - lots of trips out and picnics in the park. Oh whoops we missed you again. What a shame.

MyLocal · 11/04/2016 17:37

Has she ALWAYS been like is? I do find older people can get very rude as they get older, I am sure many people have experienced rude relatives 😀 If she has always been like is, I would just be rude back, I have reached a point where I cannot be nice back and ignore such behaviour, but then I am 50 and on the verge of being old too ha ha. I am now afraid of no one, happy to be rude calmly to someone who is nasty to me, but I wouldn't do it to someone who has only just started being rude and difficult like my DM who is 80, she says things now she never would have years ago, for her and others like that I am more tolerant.

Narp · 11/04/2016 17:39

I don't know what she's like in person but what you've written here sounds like tactlessness.

The thing about the card - I agree with Meggymoodle

The comment to your brother - attempt at humour?

What did she say about your mum?

Organon8 · 11/04/2016 17:40

my dh works away a lot which leaves me to buy her birthday card

He really has no time to buy his mother a birthday card?

He works on an oil rig with no shops

He has no access to the internet where he can order one online to be delivered?

teatowel · 11/04/2016 17:41

We can't hear her tone. but' what a pity' doesn't sound an awful response to your brother to me. As for the cards my MIL never gets me one with DIL on it.

Glassofwineneeded · 11/04/2016 17:42

Take your Grand daughter elsewhere when she visits. Not every week but maybe every other - the park, a friends house, for a long walk etc.
You have put up with her behaviour for so long that's its become accepted that she will behave in that way and you won't challenge her and neither will your DH.
You dont have to put up with it especially in your own home.

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 17:49

Harp, possibly her attempt at humour, to me it sounded nasty.
She used to comment to me about things she thought my mother should have done, like attending sports days with my children, no she didn't go but that doesn't mean she loved them any less, it was mainly about things like that, these comments are coming from a woman who has never spent a single, not one single day out with either of my daughters and they are adults now, I mean a day out for lunch or shopping or just a day spent on her own with either of them, also she referred to my father as a loner, he wasn't a loner he wasn't a drinker, so did not go to bars or pubs, he had many friends, my father died young too of a heart attack, the church was full at his funeral service.

OP posts:
Narp · 11/04/2016 17:53

Ah, now you've explained more she does sound difficult. Did you ever challenge her about it, or ask her not to criticise your mum to you?

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 17:55

I can understand what some of you are saying about not hearing her tone, but "what a pity" coming from my MIL is sarcastic, I've known her too long. My brother also bought my granddaughter some sweets/candy, she picked them up to look at what he had bought and said ' what a load of rubbish"

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