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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I've had enough oh my mother in law

72 replies

Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 15:47

I've been married for 24 years, I've always managed to try and ignore most of my mil's sarcasm, except for when she said things to me about my own lovely mother who sadly died very young from an asthma attack, I had to talk to my dh who then had to speak with his mother. Over the years since she has continued to say things, mostly sarcastic, She has now started saying things to my brother, he was commenting last week about how he hadn't slept well the night before and only had 3 hours sleep, she commented saying "what a pity" in her usual sarcastic tone. I am just not sure I can take it anymore :( :(

OP posts:

Boomingmarvellous · 11/04/2016 20:13

Stop your home being the visiting place. If they want to see their g.gd then they can sort it out themselves. It's not your responsibility.

You only have one life. Why put up with this rubbish from your mil?

You've got to be more assertive. Not hide out and eventually allow someone to track you down and be rude to you.

You are being a bit of a doormat. If someone can't even be polite to you in your own home, done have them there.

Sparkletastic · 11/04/2016 20:19

Say something back. Every single time.

Janecc · 11/04/2016 20:19

Well at least it's at your house so it's your rules. If she causes offence you are within your rights to ask her to leave. I have massively withdrawn from my highly narcissistic mother. Your mil sounds similar to her. Any attempt to confront her will turn you into being unreasonable and her the victim. It is not possible to win with this type of person as the only rule is she's right, you're wrong. If being in your house is too much you can always suggest meeting on mutual ground - a play centre for grandchild or the park etc. She is much less likely to be so abrasive in public - I imagine as with many narcissists her public image will need to be maintained. In any case I would do whatever you can to reduce the frequency of contact with her. What I try to remember is that my mother is very emotionally immature and I'm dealing with a belligerent child, who does not have the ability to be confronted about her poor conduct.

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 20:22

You're right blooming, but if they can't get hold of me they will arrange it with my ds or dd, I have always been accommodating but I will not stand for rudeness in my home from her anymore,my poor dh is going tomorrow to speak with her yet again. I'm not being a doormat again, at my wits end

OP posts:

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 20:42

I think what makes this situation very sensitive and extremely awkward is that she is not always like this, most of our family time is pleasant , however the odd comments here and there are not acceptable on that basis (I'm telling myself)

OP posts:

Hissy · 11/04/2016 20:47

Invite her round, and you and your h tell her together.

And remind her that she does need an invitation to come to your home, and you'll revoke it if she can't hold her tongue. And that includes visits for the gc

The slimming magazines would have sent me livid!

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 20:48

My brother was staying with me for a couple of weeks last year until his apartment was ready, my MIL bought some organic butter for my dd, my dd said when she handed her the butter my MIL said this is for you and no bugger else! What a terrible thing to say, obviously referring to my poor brother again, so sorry about all this complaining but I need to get it off my chest :(

OP posts:

BroughtmyownBag · 11/04/2016 21:05

I fear she may just not care what anyone thinks :( She just 'knows best'.

I do think repeating her remarks back to her as was suggested above might be one way. In an innocent tone - or even as if you know she's joking (cos no-one would say that sort of thing in seriousness) "no bugger else?" "OK!" (lol) "only here for the food " "Ah well we know you're only here for the booze, Mavis". No idea if this would work really, but I like the thought of you having a bit of fun at her expense.

Or maybe really patronising "Oh Mavis that's not a very nice thing to say, is it?" (with head tilt)

I fear it will get worse as she gets older unfortunately - there seems to be something about the ageing of the brain that stops (some) people seeing others' point of view, and exaggerates these kinds of tendencies (at least if my MiL is anything to go by...she sometimes phones me up to tell me she's "concerned" about one of my DCs and she really does think she's being helpful, but she's REALLY tactless. Never mentions things to DH though. Grrrr)

So as well as trying to limit contact, I'd try to diminish it in my mind, she's just "going off" like she does. Roll your eyes. Visibly!

Teacaddy · 11/04/2016 21:13

OP, without actually witnessing your MIL's behaviour, it's hard to know whether the undeniably unpleasant behaviour (the slimming magazines) is making you read far too much into fairly innocuous behaviours, especially if she is generally pleasant enough.

I don't see anything wrong with her saying the butter was for your daughter alone, for instance, I have never in my life bought anyone one of those cards with 'Mother' or 'Sister' on them, and my first response to the Christmas Day remark was that it was a possibly clumsy but benignly intended comment on how eagerly your brother was eating or taking his plate from you (or even a compliment to the delicious food?)

Is it not that she's a bit socially inept rather than consciously malicious? Might she even genuinely have thought your daughter would like the magazines, and thought she was being subtle about her weight, rather than saying 'You're a fat thing, aren't you?'

But what is actually puzzling me is why you never clarify what these remarks mean at the time, but seem to reply on reporting to your usually absent DH and him having a word with her later- she sounds like someone who would genuinely benefit from the 'What do you mean?' approach at the time. Neutral, rather than aggressive or defensive, but forcing her to think about what she is saying - and if she's not being malicious, but is just being inept, then you can point that out...?

Happyat40 · 11/04/2016 21:16

I cut contact with MIL - she no longer sees us or our children.

It was an extremely hard call to make.

But our lives and marriage have been all the better for it.

ollieplimsoles · 11/04/2016 21:19

Ok this is ridiculous, why are you letting this woman in to your home, and letting her encroach on your precious time with your dgd!!?

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 21:33

Hi Teacaddy
Thank you for your response, yes I do think there is an element of her being socially inept, but remember I have known this woman for 30 years and I do know how she responds, whether its sincerity or sarcastically. I do not clarify what her remarks mean as this would have been awkward confrontations purely because of what she says and how she says it.
She was spoken to on three occasions about how the slimming magazines upset my dd but continued ?
The title on my birthday cards, I will try not to read too much into this even though everyone else in the family do get them :(

OP posts:

Livelifefortoday · 11/04/2016 21:38

Another awkward MIL here. I know exactly what you mean about sarcastic comments OP. I have distanced myself and my family from my MIL, there's no way I could handle seeing her once per week. Also I don't engage in much conversation and just talk to my children when in her company. This has worked wonders. I really feel for you having to put up with it, and would recommend suggesting that you meet fortnightly. Maybe let her know that you are taking dgc out for the day to enjoy the Spring weather?

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 21:47

I just wish her thoughts were left unsaid, I don't want us to be hostile, it's such a shame

OP posts:

Livelifefortoday · 11/04/2016 21:56

Op it doesn't sound like she is going to change anytime soon. You mentioned she was spoken to about the magazines on three occasions and still continued to send them. You sound like a nice person and maybe she is taking advantage of this? It is a shame, but if her company is making you unhappy or uncomfortable, you should maybe have a think about whether you are going to allow the situation continue as it is. And if not, something has to change (apologies if this is stating the obvious).

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 22:02

Livefortoday, thank you for your advice which means a lot to me as with the other posters, let's hope it will get resolved sooner rather than later (which I doubt as you say), if not then yes things have to change

OP posts:

Boomingmarvellous · 12/04/2016 10:51

Just tell your DS and DD not to make appointments on your behalf. What I would do in your situation is make the visits monthly so that they affect you less. Weekly on edge visits would leave me exhausted.

Or you can just bite the bullet, meet her in her own and explain your issues with her calmly. If she accepts there is a problem between you or at least understand how her waspish comments upset you she can at least try to change. Leaving it to your dh is a bit of a cop out as you are asking him to take control of a situation you should be controlling. Only you can really get your point across.

Just don't put up with this anymore

2rebecca · 12/04/2016 14:27

My kids are teenagers but when they are older I would never expect them to arrange meetings for me with other relatives, that is extremely rude of them. if they wish their daughter to see great granny then they can arrange to meet up with her but I would tell them clearly that they are to stop inviting your MIL to YOUR house. Seeing your great grand daughter every week sounds too much if that's the only time you see her. Tell your MIL you want some time to do stuff with your grand daughter without the full extended family experience. She can arrange with the child's mother to meet up with her when she's not with you.
It all sounds very odd

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 15:14

Hi 2rebecca, it all sounds a bit odd I agree, it's because my ds and his partner are not together, my ds lives at home with me. If my MIL wants to see her g granddaughter she calls me to arrange it, if she can't get hold of me she calls my ds or dd to arrange with them to come anyway :(
bloomingmarvellous I will do that in future

OP posts:

2rebecca · 12/04/2016 16:20

I'd tell your son if he wants to arrange for his daughter to see great gran then he can arrange to meet great gran and not arrange for her to come to your house and for you to entertain her. He needs to sort out his own place so he can then entertain great gran and not involve you. Any plans for great gran to come to your house have to involve you or your husband, and your husband only arranges it if he is personally going to be there and entertain his mother.

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 16:51

You are so right, I have my g daughter every weekend which can be tiring, I then have to entertain MIL who just sits on her bum the whole time. Also my oldest dd is making Christmas dinner this year, which will give me a break after me doing it for the past 18 years

OP posts:

DerelictDaughter · 12/04/2016 17:03

I'm sorry but I think you need to exert a bit of control over these arrangements. You and she dislike each other yet you are seeing each other once a week? That's daft. You're buying cards for her because your husband is often away? No no no, it is not beyond the wit of your husband to buy a few at a time and organise himself to write one before he goes away.

My mil is a bit worse than yours sounds and tbh it drove me crazy, the snippy comments and time wasting, but she was never going to change and dh refused to see the problem (he does now). I had to take myself out of the situation as nobody was going to do it for me. I explained to dh that I wouldn't be seeing her as often, and why; he was sad but it all evened out to about once a month and everyone's a lot happier.

But nothing will happen if you don't quietly and resolutely get on with doing it.

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