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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've had enough oh my mother in law

72 replies

Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 15:47

I've been married for 24 years, I've always managed to try and ignore most of my mil's sarcasm, except for when she said things to me about my own lovely mother who sadly died very young from an asthma attack, I had to talk to my dh who then had to speak with his mother. Over the years since she has continued to say things, mostly sarcastic, She has now started saying things to my brother, he was commenting last week about how he hadn't slept well the night before and only had 3 hours sleep, she commented saying "what a pity" in her usual sarcastic tone. I am just not sure I can take it anymore :( :(

OP posts:
plantsitter · 11/04/2016 17:58

Can't your son/daughter take your granddaughter to see her great grandmother?

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 17:59

Narp, no I never challenged her I was quite young at the time and I suppose vulnerable and I did not like confrontation, as I still don't

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GoblinLittleOwl · 11/04/2016 17:59

I honestly don't think she sounds that bad.
Is it because you don't have your own mother?
You seem to have a happy family life with your husband and children and brother, so let it go.
Don't nourish grudges.

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 18:01

Neither of them drive and the oldest that does drive is too far away. I just think all these comments from her are unnecessary

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Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 18:03

Goblin is what because I don't have my own mother? These comments are still going on but now it's to my brother

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FairNotFair · 11/04/2016 18:04

She sounds pretty charmless, but I wouldn't give the card a moment's thought. Some people don't care for special "mother/son/grandmother/aunt" cards and therefore wouldn't think to buy them for somebody else. I've never sent a "mother" card to my own (lovely) DM, and she'd be a bit surprised to receive one!

CodyKing · 11/04/2016 18:07

You don't have to confront!

Just repeat back what she says -

"It's a pity?"

"Oh you think DM should have attended X? "

It really puts people on the hop - the ball back in her court to explain -

No need to sink to her level - and as it makes them uncomfortable- they stop doing it. Have a practice!!!

EmGee · 11/04/2016 18:09

I think she sounds plain rude but it sounds like the status quo is firmly entrenched. She is 'rude' and gets away with it. Someone (your DH?) should have called her on it ages ago.

Just out of interest, what does your DB say about her, given that he has been on the receiving end of her comments too? And your DH?

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 18:11

Thank you Cody, I will give that a try if I can :(.

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2rebecca · 11/04/2016 18:15

Once a week sounds a lot to me. I'd be cutting that down.

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 18:15

Hi Emgee, my dh did not hear her comments that day but when I told him he wasn't happy, he said he will mention it to her and say that he overheard and thought it was rude. My brother tends to ignore it mostly, but he has commented on the fact that he always has to greet her first or ask how she is etc.Christmas day he said he felt offended by her when she implied he only turned up for the food which is very unfair and untrue

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HazyMazy · 11/04/2016 18:16

At the start of the thread you said you got your DH to speak to her (over what she said about your DM) - probably mistake number one.
It just wouldn't have come over with as much feeling if he said it.

I would try to bite back. If you don't it will prob continue, it's no use complaining about her if you just want to be nice, but for her to change.

'Did you mean to be so rude?'
'Why are you so critical? I have no time for that.'
'If you can't say something pleasant don't say anything at all"
'Do you realize how rude and unpleasant you are?'
'Why the nasty comments?'
It should pull her up short.

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 18:20

For many many years she kept sending slimming magazines to my dd, yes she is slightly overweight but nothing to worry about, my dd cried many times over this and my dh went to talk with her but it still continued and still does.

OP posts:
HazyMazy · 11/04/2016 18:25

Sending slimming mags to your DD is awful.

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 18:27

Thank you all for your advice, I just needed to hear others opinions, wasn't sure how to tackle the situation, she has nothing nice to say about or to the people I love, enough is enough

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Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 18:47

Also I wanted to mention that in all the times she said things about my dm and upset me, after my dh had to confront his mother, not once did she apologise to me, Infact once she called to see her grandchildren a few days after my dh had words with her, she ignored me in my home

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 11/04/2016 19:00

If she continues to send dd magazines then I'd be tempted to get her on the mailing list of several old folks' homes/stannah stair lifts/ meals on wheels/ carer services........

Boomingmarvellous · 11/04/2016 19:02

I'm sure you spend half the week with a sick feeling waiting for her weekend visit?

I would go out with your granddaughter to the park/cinema/outing or somewhere she won't be and just stop giving a damn if she objects or is upset.

Tell your DH how she makes you feel and he can entertain her if he likes. If he loves you he won't put pressure on you to do something you hate.

See her no more than once every 6 weeks if you feel you have to. None if you don't.

She sounds awful and I know how it feels to have this acid drip drip every week.

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 19:04

She doesn't send the magazines anymore, the last one was around 12 months ago, but she continues to ask my dd if she is attending a slimming class or a gym. That is funny yes I should do that

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Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 19:11

boomingM yes I do, the trouble is my dh works away and often there is only me here, I know they will want to see their great gd, I could try to avoid them for a while, then they will call my ds or dd to arrange to see her. I did try to avoid her a few months ago, she called my mobile a few times, I finally answered and she asked where I was in an annoyed tone of voice

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leelu66 · 11/04/2016 19:18

Telling your DB he is there just for the food is just nasty. It's good your DB answered her back. As others have said, do not let comments go unchallenged, and call her up on rudeness.

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 19:19

I also don't think it's right or good manners when mil comes and I've made food for my gd that she picks off her plate

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leelu66 · 11/04/2016 19:20

She can arrange to see DGC on her own time, at her house or her GC's house.

You aren't obliged to facilitate these visits for her.

HazyMazy · 11/04/2016 19:22

You need to see her less imo. Once a week is a lot.
YOu could start volunteering or running or gym or swimming or whatever or you could say to her you don't want to spend time with her.
If DH is away so not even there you need to curtail these visits, it's not fair, DH prob wouldn't be as accommodating.

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 11/04/2016 19:23

Hi leelu, my ds and his partner are not together anymore, my ds does not drive, so my home is the visiting place unfortunately

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