AIBU to expect my husband to wash?

[crafter1957]

I would be grateful for an outside perspective please. I don't think I am being unreasonable or asking too much of my husband - but he does.

He will only shower twice a week. Daily he shaves and washes his face. He says it makes his skin sore if he showers more often, and I've tried to be understanding about this. BUT he does not wash his armpits or genitals in between showers as a rule (there is the odd exception but mostly not) and I find this offensive, off putting, hurtful and disrespectful.

We have had a huge row about this earlier today. He said he forgets to wash if he doesn't feel uncomfortable, such as when he has been doing physical jobs or exertion such as a long walk, he does not believe me when I tell him that he doesn't need to be exerting himself to start smelling stale, it's what happens to a human body naturally if left unwashed. He also thinks it pertinent that as he has a poor sense of smell does not have the ability to tell if he needs a wash. I feel that he shouldn't actually need to get as far as being smelly, that he should wash as a general daily thing regardless of whether he smells or not. I always wash and would be devastated if I thought he was feeling about me the same way he makes me feel about him.

He cites the fact that there are no flannels available (there a piles of them in the airing cupboard 3 feet away from the bathroom). He says there is nowhere to hang a dirty flannel (I've told him over and over again to put it in the bath and I will launder it straight away). He looks always for an excuse (he calls it a reason) to normalise his washing routine.

I've lost count of how many times I have noticed an unwashed odour when we have had sex, but I don't want to hurt his feelings so mostly I try to just put up with it, but last night he "forgot" to shower (last time was Tuesday so 4 bloody days ago) so I wouldn't let him cuddle up to me at bedtime. I'd had a couple of (unrelated to this) upsetting moments during the day and this was the last straw, which lead to this mornings row. He maintains he "meant" to shower or why else would he have put his pyjamas in the linen bin that morning? This, apparantly should be enough for me to "understand he doesn't mean anything by it"

So am I being unreasonable? I want to show him this thread later on tonight (yes, even if it turns out most of you think I am actually expecting too much) so any responses would be appreciated.

Totally depends if the dry skin thing is a genuine issue or not. If it is, YAB a tad U, because constantly washing natural oils off his skin will add to the dryness. But four days is still pushing it. I would think every other day at a minimum. Certainly not long enough for stinkiness or crotch funk to be an issue.

If it's because he's a lazy sod, YADNBU. My hubs can shower in about 2 minutes flat. It's so quick for boys. They haven't got lots of hair to shampoo usually and they rarely bother with conditioner, don't have to shave legs etc. There is no excuse. Who doesn't have 2 minutes??

Elementofsurprise - there's some fascinating reading if you search for "bum towel" under MN Classics. (A shared family asset/tool, apparently.)

Element, the point being you would wash, the husband here isn't.

I think the bathroom in one place I lived was actually an industrial freezer that had got lost.

Inland was your exH unhygenic before you married him ?
Just wondering if it's something that happens after you get married. Does a laziness set in?
My DH is very good re hygiene, thank goodness but I did introduce him to deodorent as his dm hadn't. I met him when he was young and males were not into grooming way back then
He thought a shower was enough.

No way I would share a bed with someone who went 4 days or so without a shower. Sex would be well and truly off the menu.

Foul.
The second thread I've read today with a filthy husband.

Why on earth did you marry him?
Is it a new thing? Have you been together long?

There is no way he'd be anywhere near me, let alone having sex.

No, you're not being unreasonable. A shower a day is the minimum I expect from a guy. I often go to work early in the morning by bus, and the number of people who get on and clearly haven't showered or washed, you wouldn't believe it. I sit there wondering what their families have to put up with. Stick to your guns!

YANBU. We have showers in the UK, even UKIP doesn't want to take us back to the days before them.

I think he's disgusting. I have no idea how you manage to share a bed with him, let alone have sex. The stench must be appalling.

Yuk. If I told DH he had BO or bad breath, he'd look to remedy it immediately. He finds showering a chore, whilst it's quicker than for me, it takes him longer to dry (hairy chest). That said, he still showers around 13 times a fortnight. There might occasionally be a lazy day on a weekend.

It is not unreasonable of you to expect a fresh clean body lying next to you in bed, I could not tolerate that, and I definitely would not have any intimacy with a smelly man, I think it is lack of consideration, tell him sex is out of the question until he starts showering. My dh showers twice a day

Would love to know what his reaction was to this post OP....

I'm disgusting by mumsnet standards (hence the name) but I must admit it's just as easy to stand in tha shower these days as it is to faff about at the sink. Just turn on the shower when he's shaving! "There you go darling! See you in a sec"
In all serious though if you've been honest with him and sincerely told him how it makes you feel surely that should be enough for him to at least mull it over, if he doesn't care about how he makes you feel then he's a bit of a twat tbh.

I'd hose him down in the garden ;) PP mentioned 10 days... Yuck

If I had left DH to his own devices, he would probably not wash daily.

From day one of our marriage I insisted he showers every day. I made it clear that he wasn't getting 'any', unless he was clean. But I am a clean freak and he knows and respects that!!!

I suggest you insist he is freshly clean before he gets 'any'.

I'm so glad someone picked up in the neurosis of soap on the loo roll Candle!

Bloody hell this is proper grim.

DH would be in the shower pronto if there was a chance of no sex, sore skin or not, sex for him would be higher up on the agenda!

I hate when an OP doesn't update us.

Soap on the loo roll is going to lead to a lifetime of problems with anal irritation and itch, shirley. Honestly, it's a really bad idea. 'Bits' should only ever be cleaned with water.

My bits are perfectly fine and I have no irritation or itching whatsoever. Sorry to disagree but I respectfully say that bits and bots should be washed thoroughly with soap. You can't wash properly without soap.
Wee and poo do not just wash off with water.
I have actually just had another quick bath (already had a shower) as I'd been for a wee a few times and didn't feel as fresh as I'd like to.
Whilst pondering on what to put on, I decided I'd put on my hold ups (these ones do hold up, despite my less than thin thighs )
Then I figured I'd call dh in for a spot of malarkey We're away for a few days in a lovely cottage and not always easy to get a chance with our two ds around who both like staying up late but do also sleep late. Already had a morning shag but suddenly fancied another
So a quickie in the en-suite there are 3
is quite an unexpected surprise for dh
plus I always wear nice underwear
I can't bear to have sex unless I feel very clean, I will get up in the morning to have a shower if I don't feel fresh enough.
I have no irritation whatsoever and sorry for the tmi, but despite all the washing, I'm always "good to go"
The skin at one's bot is very tough and with good reason, it has to withstand a lifetime of emissions. If you can't put soap on your bot, where on earth can you !!!!
No offence or disrespect to anyone but if you're not washing your bits and pieces with some sort of soap, then quite frankly, your arse must be minging! I can't put it any other way.
I say again, if you get poo (or wee) on your hand or other body part, would you just wipe it off with toilet paper and say, right that's me clean now?
More likely, you'd say YUK disgusting!
And wash furiously!
Personal hygiene is of the utmost importance to me. Wee and poo sticks to you, let's not kid ourselves.
Oh and I wouldn't have a dog or cat, much as I like them, as I couldn't bear the thought of their shitey arses rubbing on the floor! Vom.
I'd consider it but only if I could clean their bits after with a wipe, yes I'm serious. That's the only way I'd have a cat or dog

Funnily enough, ds2 who is not as particular as ds1 and I about hygiene will complain of an irritated, sore bot from time to time. I tell him that's because of the e-coli irritating his skin as he's not freshened up his bot after a poo. Ds1 smugly concurs
Ds1 gets very perturbed if he's not properly "fresh". He doesn't go for a poo at school "as there's no baby lotion there" but I give him an emergency wipe to keep in his (zipped) trouser pocket. I put it in a freezer bag to stop it drying out.
I think he's gone to the loo once in 3 years at school! his body clock is set for early evening
Yes, I know I sound neurotic about personal hygiene I am but I just can't bear the thought of feeling less than fresh and fragrant. I don't get any irritation or thrush or anything like that
Just nice clean bits that you could eat your dinner off and dh frequently does
in fact he's often remarked on how lovely and clean I am compared to some of the minging minges he's come across

Man, you take the crown beans bravo.

I thought I was excessive

gamerchick

Why, thank you

Sweet heavens, beans
I take it you have decided that your DS will never benefit from travelling to the vast majority of the countries in the World anywhere that cannot provide such exacting standards?
Seems a pity to stifle a child's ambitions so early...

YANBU. It's gross to smell unwashed body when sharing a bed.

I grew up in the 80's but we had a shower, as did everyone else I knew.
Baths were a daily thing too.

My mum, (growing up in the 1950's) used to tell horror stories of inly having one bath a week and using talc under her armpits! People must have really smelt back then. No excuse now.

Blimey beans, I like to be clean myself, but I'm actually exhausted reading about your robust regime

Can anyone explain the watering can thing? I can't get my head round how that would be effective. Surely you'd just be pouring the water down the top half of your arse crack without it reaching the, erm, emission zone ?
Should the water from the can be trickling down into the toilet pan then? Can't imagine the contortions involved in that. Much easier just to shower surely?