AIBU to expect my husband to wash?

[crafter1957]

I would be grateful for an outside perspective please. I don't think I am being unreasonable or asking too much of my husband - but he does.

He will only shower twice a week. Daily he shaves and washes his face. He says it makes his skin sore if he showers more often, and I've tried to be understanding about this. BUT he does not wash his armpits or genitals in between showers as a rule (there is the odd exception but mostly not) and I find this offensive, off putting, hurtful and disrespectful.

We have had a huge row about this earlier today. He said he forgets to wash if he doesn't feel uncomfortable, such as when he has been doing physical jobs or exertion such as a long walk, he does not believe me when I tell him that he doesn't need to be exerting himself to start smelling stale, it's what happens to a human body naturally if left unwashed. He also thinks it pertinent that as he has a poor sense of smell does not have the ability to tell if he needs a wash. I feel that he shouldn't actually need to get as far as being smelly, that he should wash as a general daily thing regardless of whether he smells or not. I always wash and would be devastated if I thought he was feeling about me the same way he makes me feel about him.

He cites the fact that there are no flannels available (there a piles of them in the airing cupboard 3 feet away from the bathroom). He says there is nowhere to hang a dirty flannel (I've told him over and over again to put it in the bath and I will launder it straight away). He looks always for an excuse (he calls it a reason) to normalise his washing routine.

I've lost count of how many times I have noticed an unwashed odour when we have had sex, but I don't want to hurt his feelings so mostly I try to just put up with it, but last night he "forgot" to shower (last time was Tuesday so 4 bloody days ago) so I wouldn't let him cuddle up to me at bedtime. I'd had a couple of (unrelated to this) upsetting moments during the day and this was the last straw, which lead to this mornings row. He maintains he "meant" to shower or why else would he have put his pyjamas in the linen bin that morning? This, apparantly should be enough for me to "understand he doesn't mean anything by it"

So am I being unreasonable? I want to show him this thread later on tonight (yes, even if it turns out most of you think I am actually expecting too much) so any responses would be appreciated.

littleshirley unless your diet is bad and your poos are therefore runny or soft, the way your sphincter (yes, I said it) works means there is no shit present around your bum hole. Have you ever watched a cat or dog, or basically any animal, have a shit? I could get really graphic here but I don't want to ruin anyone's Sunday lunch (any more than will have already occurred by reading this thread, anyway!) - essentially tho the sphincter's job is to deliver your turds far enough away from your body suffice that when you're done you shouldn't even really need to wipe with paper, let alone wash with soap! 'Course, lots of people's diets are terrible, so I suppose on that front you've got a point but I'd still argue you shouldn't be putting soap or body lotion down there on a regular basis.
I do quite enjoy a bidet tho, and wouldn't mind one in my next bathroom!

I wouldn't be able to respect him, tbh. It's such a basic thing, keeping clean. If you don't do it for yourself you should do it for those you live with and especially for those you share a bed with. It's really horrible to think of sleeping next to someone who smells.

CandleWithHair essentially tho the sphincter's job is to deliver your turds far enough away from your body suffice that when you're done you shouldn't even really need to wipe with paper, let alone wash with soap

Also, shouldn't we really be crouching down to poo, thus speading the butt cheeks and even less chance of, erm, residue?

unless your diet is bad and your poos are therefore runny or soft
I thought a poor diet led to hard poos/constipation - hmm, how soft are they meant to be..?

His reasons/excuses for not cleaning himself are completely lame. He's not washing for altogether different reasons. I'd say it's some form of power game on his part.

I'd be making the dirty git sleep on his own until he can buck his ideas up. He's being massively disrespectful to you. Is this a symptom of other areas in your lives together?

Dude, you married him. This isn't a new routine. Obviously.

Does he stink?

Tell him no sex unless he's had a shower

My husband is a farmer - of a super stinky variety and showers 3 times a week and washes daily.

It's been a long term gripe and I don't think I'll ever change it, the bed gets filthy - you can see where he sleeps. He's managed to make Tarmac stains on the pillow case ( he has 3 to protect the pillow.

Also- my husband only changes his underwear on a shower day.

I'm not trying to go one better with this post- but I am massively re-assured I'm not alone.

Eww this is minging
I have eczema, I shower daily, twice if I've had to endure the Tube on a hot day

Airside" I would like to transport the "twice a day" brigade back to a time before central heating and constant hot water was the norm. "

You dint need to, I bet there's a few of us around who have washed thoroughly, daily, in cold water with no central heating. Or even used a cold shower if they had access to one.

How does anyone share a bed with these people?

The more morbid part of me wants to know if they ever get a blow job or miss them.

The thing is, it sounds as if this is his default position and that if you were not there he would be going 4 or more days very easily. Most people have personal hygine habits that are acceptable to them- these are his. You are unlikely to change this given how long you have been together. Infact, as he gets older it is likely to get worse.
I couldn't live with it.

Yes sex should be a massive incentive for a man to be clean.

Wearegoingtobedlam Do you let him touch you ever?

Yes I am one of those from a culture where you wash after going to the toilet. We have a little watering can by the toilet for the job. Just fill before you go and wash genitals/bum when done. Cleanest way imo.

My whole life I have been baffled by people weejng/pooing and then just rubbing a bit of tissue before putting pants back on. Esp when poos are soft. Eugh.
I realise it's a cultural thing but even so. 4 days of having in unwashed penis and arse makes me feel
Sick.

element yes, crouching! At the very least knees higher than your hips (maybe have a special dedicated poo footstool in the bathroom to rest your feet on?).

I'm a little surprised that this is the 86th message but only three of those preceding it raise the issue of his attitude toward you, OP. How very dare he presume that you, who seem to do a lot of running about for him, should be prepared to accept his absence of personal hygiene?
I have a child to get up and into school or pre-school club, then to travel between 20 and 50 miles to go to work (which is itself stressful and busy) and I have lifelong eczema. If I can manage to wash daily, why can't he?
There are plenty of cleansing products he could try if he could be arsed, and if he has time to shave then he should be capable of using the same time to shave standing in the shower.
I doubt many district judges would have any difficulty in finding this bad enough to qualify as 'unreasonable behaviour' in the context of divorce. It really is that bad. He may be a very sweet and lovely man but it really shows very little regard for you that he is doing this. IMHO, you should not accept it.

As an aside, culturally I also don't understand baths as a way of getting clean. Growing up we had a stool in the bath for sitting on and giant bucket filled with water and little one for scooping and washing. We didn't sit in a bath of soapy water and then just get out. How do you get clean like that?

You asked for it candle

m.youtube.com/watch?v=YbYWhdLO43Q

The squatty potty

Was he this minging before you married? I wouldn't have sex with him.

Rank. Yanbu, who wants sweaty, smelly hugs never mind sharing a bed. Massively unsexy.

Was reading a biography the other day of a woman living in a very deprived rural village late Victorian era, and she mentioned that every day early afternoon all the women would send everyone else in their cottage outside, shut the kitchen door (some of the cottages were only one room up one room down) and heat a jug of water on the fire, fill a basin and strip wash. The whole village more or less stopped for half an hour and everyone knew not to knock on doors at that time. It was a mining community so the men scoured off at the pump and then in a bath in the yard when they got home before they were allowed in the house, and every item of clothing they wore had to be washed every day. Not enough to eat, probably most of those adults owned no more than a single change of clothes, but clean was a matter of pride. My mother remembers daily sewing dress shields on to the armpits of her dresses in the days before deoderant that were then pulled out and washed every night, and everyone had a strip wash at the sink every day. Water heated for shaving and for washing every morning, and a wooden screen for privacy in winter when it was only the kitchen where the fire was lit that was warm enough for washing and dressing in.

Fucks sake is he 5?

These are the arguments of a child! I forgot to wash, why would I put my pyjamas in the linen basket if I hadn't meant to.... the dog ate my homework....

If his skin is so sensitive, he needs to make a doctors appointment for some sort of dermatological test. Or go to pharmaceutics for hypo-allergenic or whatever shower stuff.

Do you have kids? Are you likely to? If so what sort of example is this to set them?

You do not need to hug or cuddle him, and you clearly do not need to worry about his feelings as he cares sweet fanny adams for yours!

He needs to know this is a physical turn off. If he keeps doing it then he doesn't mind that it turns you off cuddling him. What does that say?

YoJesse -"Doesn't a shower before sex seem like a bit of a waste though? I like/need a shower post sex." I guess it depends whether you want the sex to be enjoyable for the other person or not. Generally, most people would rather not have sex with someone who needs a shower.

OP he does not respect you, address this with him, he is wrong.

Posters who think this is OK are most likely not living with it.

crystal bloody nora, that ad! definitely not about to order one from Amazon

How were you attracted to him - was he always anti - washing.
I couldn't and wouldn't be attracted to someone who smelled because they did not wash.
Did you not notice a whiff off him when dating ?
If so why did you stay with him?
Yuck.
He does not respect you.

I shower twice a day and so does Dh. It's not a big effort. A 5 min each time more than gets the job done. I just can't imagine waking up or getting into bed without cleansing. How on earth op has put up with this is truly boggling. Even people who think they don't smell, actually they do!

Italiangreyhound I'm an almost daily shower girl so I'm pretty fresh pre sex. As long as it's not oral I'm still happy to shag my dh after a few showerless days. I quite like the sweaty armpits smell and as I said upthread I've never come across any knob cheese can't believe I'm typing this shit out on MN! Always demand he cleans pre blowey, it's a great way to get him in the shower .