AIBU to expect my husband to wash?

[crafter1957]

I would be grateful for an outside perspective please. I don't think I am being unreasonable or asking too much of my husband - but he does.

He will only shower twice a week. Daily he shaves and washes his face. He says it makes his skin sore if he showers more often, and I've tried to be understanding about this. BUT he does not wash his armpits or genitals in between showers as a rule (there is the odd exception but mostly not) and I find this offensive, off putting, hurtful and disrespectful.

We have had a huge row about this earlier today. He said he forgets to wash if he doesn't feel uncomfortable, such as when he has been doing physical jobs or exertion such as a long walk, he does not believe me when I tell him that he doesn't need to be exerting himself to start smelling stale, it's what happens to a human body naturally if left unwashed. He also thinks it pertinent that as he has a poor sense of smell does not have the ability to tell if he needs a wash. I feel that he shouldn't actually need to get as far as being smelly, that he should wash as a general daily thing regardless of whether he smells or not. I always wash and would be devastated if I thought he was feeling about me the same way he makes me feel about him.

He cites the fact that there are no flannels available (there a piles of them in the airing cupboard 3 feet away from the bathroom). He says there is nowhere to hang a dirty flannel (I've told him over and over again to put it in the bath and I will launder it straight away). He looks always for an excuse (he calls it a reason) to normalise his washing routine.

I've lost count of how many times I have noticed an unwashed odour when we have had sex, but I don't want to hurt his feelings so mostly I try to just put up with it, but last night he "forgot" to shower (last time was Tuesday so 4 bloody days ago) so I wouldn't let him cuddle up to me at bedtime. I'd had a couple of (unrelated to this) upsetting moments during the day and this was the last straw, which lead to this mornings row. He maintains he "meant" to shower or why else would he have put his pyjamas in the linen bin that morning? This, apparantly should be enough for me to "understand he doesn't mean anything by it"

So am I being unreasonable? I want to show him this thread later on tonight (yes, even if it turns out most of you think I am actually expecting too much) so any responses would be appreciated.

To all those comments about how showering often is new and we didn't used to be so bothered by cleanliness - well, the past is a different country, they do things differently there. But generally they're aiming to achieve the same things. Within the constraints of minimal indoor plumbing (tin baths in front of fires, outside toilets) people made real efforts to be clean for health (pre-antibiotic days, getting ill with anything risked getting dead) and moral (cleanliness is next to Godliness) reasons.

Things like strip-washing daily with a bowl of warm water. And taking for granted that even if you don't physically exert yourself to the point of sweating like a pig, you still need to be clean, hence bed-baths for the non-exerting invalids (basically a strip-wash done for you by someone else). And only wearing natural fibres because synthetics have yet to be invented. And boiling your cotton clothing to clean it, which co-incidentally kills the bacteria that can survive a 40 degree wash, minimising the build-up of smellable deposits on your clothes.

Different ways to keep clean, dependant on the physical environment you lived in. Now we wear synthetics that we wash at low temperatures and live in overheated underventilated buildings and clothes are no longer 'aired' to prolong their life. Which means washing is just as important as in the past, and we could still do it with strip-washes if we chose, but most of us have access to showers so that's the way we go.

Except he's choosing to not shower and not strip-wash. And it is a choice. One that he knows bothers his wife, yet he continues to make that choice. Assuming he brushes his teeth twice a day, he's already standing by a sink. Pretty big fucking reminder.

If you haven't showered for four days I don't think washing your bits before is a waste.

The OP thinks it's an issue and as another poster said if he wants to feel connected to his wife then he should wash for no other reason out of respect to her, who wants to have sex with a man who has a stinky penis? He's also putting her at risk of a UTI if not using condoms.

Not sure why she should have to "encourage" him to shower, he should want to because she doesn't find sleeping next to or having sex with a smelly man pleasant.

candlewithhair

I always find it strange that people are very particular about cleaning poo off a baby when it's in nappies. But once they're bigger and wearing pants, they don't need to bother! It's still the same poo, still the same germs.
My argument is, if you got shit on your hand, would you just wipe it off with toilet roll and say, oh that's me nice and clean now! I think you'd be more likely to say, oh that's disgusting! And get some soap and water on it pronto!
Well, I feel the same about all parts of me. I like to feel clean everywhere. And so does ds2. He prides himself on being nice and clean.
I can never understand why people think that wiping shite off with toilet roll is in any way clean!!!!! It's fucking disgusting if you ask me!
(Incidentally, I'm perfectly happy for my dc to go out and play, get muddy and dirty etc. In fact, we were out one time in a wooded area with play equipment, when both ds needed to poo. It was early evening and no one around. I took them into a secluded area and they both had to poo into poly bags (I always take bags with me to take our rubbish home as there are no bins there). I also always have wipes and toilet roll plus hand sanitiser with me there as times when we can be really far from the toilets which are locked early. and we've been caught out
Got them all cleaned up and put bags into another bag, then into the dog poo bin. Everything was well wrapped up and covered. No danger of any unpleasant spillage etc.
I certainly wasn't going to let them poo on the ground where people might come across it! There was nothing else I could have done, too far away from the car and no way they'd have made it home anyway.
Clean bots all the way, that's my policy!
When they go in for a shower or bath, I tell them,
Get some soap about your bot!
Sitting in a bath or standing in a shower does NOT clean you.
Yes, I like to keep my bits and pieces very clean. Nowt wrong with that.

He has no respect for you if he refuses to wash.

Gross.

How would he feel if you didn't wash?

Get some wipes and stick them in the bathroom,every morning one for under his armpits and one for his bits and there done and dusted in a few seconds,no more smelly DH and no more fed up wife.

For those saying showering is new, it is but our ancestors were still clean. They were strip washing daily with a bowl and soap and only wearing natural fibres so didn't actually get as sweaty
And before that they were doing some complicated rubbing down with linen every day which meant a lot of odour got removed.

So they never smelled of BO.

He needs to wash.

Google a bucket of Oasis Moist Skin Cleansing wipes, they are big and leave the skin feeling nice after use, no fragrance, just cleanliness.

www.broschdirect.com/images/uploads/wipes/oasis-bucket.jpg

Shop around for best price, they do last a long time.

littleshirley lots of the Mediterranean people would agree with you, in some countries they have little hoses next to toilets or bidets for the same purpose. Some people think toilet roll is minging!

Whereyou that's fascinating. People were surely concerned with keeping clean as they knew bacteria and small wounds might get infected if not (even just with spots) and they didn't have antibiotics to deal with them (once they understood bacteriological theory which admittedly was quite late on).

As for whether people smelt bad in the past, yes, they did! I have a relative from another country where anti-perspirant isn't commonly used, and she really honks, it's quite distracting. I remember the 1970's and the smell of children whose parents didn't wash them or their clothes enough and the greasy lank hair especially in adolescence.

Grim! I couldnt be with someone who didnt shower at least once a day.

Anything less than cleaning daily is minging. If he has sore skin is he trying to do something about it? Trying different products and/or speaking to a doctor?

He probably doesn't mean anything personal to you about it, but it would disgust me too.

I haven't read the whole post so excuse me if I'm repeating what someone has said before but:

Your DH needs to go to the doctor regarding soreness from showering too often. It sounds like his skin may be irritated by something he is using or he could just be allergic to something very common in all soap. It could be that he needs an emollient instead of shower gel etc. But if that is the case he could well be prone to more infections which can be very very painful.

I think it's bad that he doesn't think it's appropriate to at least have a clean up before sex and still expect you to perform but I also think this isn't about him being horrible to you. I think he probably does find it painful.

hpsauciness
Thank you!!! I actually had two bidets!!! One in both upstairs bathrooms. Foolishly got rid of them to create more space when I put in new bathrooms (I put in the original ones as well)
I did use them.
Toilet paper on its own IS minging

Those who have bidets, or those toilet attachments, are they powerful enough to clean everything off? I cant install a bidet as its a rented house and no room but would consider one of the hose attachment things if i was sure they were effective.

You shower daily?

Invite him in!

Scrub him down...

Yanbu. No reason to be dirty if you have access to cleaning things!

HPsauciness in some countries they have little hoses next to toilets or bidets for the same purpose. Some people think toilet roll is minging!

The countries I've been to that have this (Asia) don't have loo roll... Being damp down below, especially in the heat, is eughhh. Am I missing something? I'll take loo roll to dry with but what's the idea normally?

If he knows it bothers you then he is being disrespectful and selfish if he expects you to accept his dirty unwashed body during sex.

I think I'd be inclined to tell him that if he doesn't want to wash the only person he'll be having sex with is himself.

And the pps saying that in the 80s people only bathed once or twice a week, which 80's would that be? I don't remember not showering in the 80's. I had my 3 children in that decade. I showered every day and my DC had daily baths. In fact I don't really remember a time when I didn't shower or bath every day: probably in the 50s and 60s but certainly showered every day from the 70s onwards.

I live on my own now and do not have a partner but I still shower every day. I'd feel horrible if I didn't

He also thinks it pertinent that as he has a poor sense of smell does not have the ability to tell if he needs a wash.

You'd think that would make him go the opposite way - being religious about washing out of fear he smells and can't tell. Why don't some men seem to care about being stinky?!

I always bath before sex or at least give my equipment a wipe over. I think it's rude not to. I expect my dp to do the same as well.
YNBU

YANBU
My DH is the same, but showers less often (probably once every 10 days and thats only when he has had enough of me shouting at him). It's totally disgusting and shows a lack of consideration for those who have to live with him. He uses his MI as an excuse but I have stopped falling for it and now there is no intimacy between us, we no longer cuddle at all.

Maybe make it plain to him - it offends you so he needs to up his game or things may change. It hasn't worked for me but thats probably because my H is a knob.

Good luck from another suffering olfactory abuse :)

Revolting. And disrespectful.

I posted about this a couple of years ago as exh didn't feel like showering for whole weekends (Friday to Monday) and became offended when I asked if he could... come to think of it, yet another reason why he is ex h!

Best of luck though, hope you get it sorted- aqueous cream or coconut oil could work a treat if he's willing to try

Ewwww...

So he said 'but I meant to shower' and then expected sex? I'd have said 'Well, I meant to have sex with you, but now...'

The fact that he won't even strip wash says it all. Minging.

Only showering twice a week isn't a problem provided he washed his pits and undercarriage every day, but he doesn't. I can only imagine how unpleasant his arse crack smells after 3-4 days of poo and sweat, and I bet his cock is pretty rank too. He doesn't wash before sex, so increasing OP's chances of infection, and if he doesn't wash afterwards he's not going to be fresh smelling. Can you imagine what's accumulating under his foreskin! How the dirty bastard thinks it's acceptable to be unwashed yet expect sex is beyond me.

littleshirleybeans I totally agree with you RE the poo/toilet roll cleanliness issue. When you think about it it's pretty rank to just use loo roll to clean up after a poo. I don't have a bidet, and am anti disposable wipes (can't flush them and I don't want to add extra stuff to landfill if I can avoid it) so I use a jug of warm water, a soapy hand, and wash whilst sitting on the loo. It's like a poor person's bidet and works brilliantly. Makes keeping clean really easy and is a lot less faff than getting in the shower again.

Candle with hair. I like your user name. Bi see what you did there. Love a bit of spoonerism..
Sorry for the derail.

Ew, what is wrong with people?! I shower everyday and I find it really disgusting that people don't. I feel so greasy and bleurgh without a shower.

YANBU, OP. Your husband's a minger.