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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my husband to wash?

161 replies

crafter1957 · 10/04/2016 10:26

I would be grateful for an outside perspective please. I don't think I am being unreasonable or asking too much of my husband - but he does.

He will only shower twice a week. Daily he shaves and washes his face. He says it makes his skin sore if he showers more often, and I've tried to be understanding about this. BUT he does not wash his armpits or genitals in between showers as a rule (there is the odd exception but mostly not) and I find this offensive, off putting, hurtful and disrespectful.

We have had a huge row about this earlier today. He said he forgets to wash if he doesn't feel uncomfortable, such as when he has been doing physical jobs or exertion such as a long walk, he does not believe me when I tell him that he doesn't need to be exerting himself to start smelling stale, it's what happens to a human body naturally if left unwashed. He also thinks it pertinent that as he has a poor sense of smell does not have the ability to tell if he needs a wash. I feel that he shouldn't actually need to get as far as being smelly, that he should wash as a general daily thing regardless of whether he smells or not. I always wash and would be devastated if I thought he was feeling about me the same way he makes me feel about him.

He cites the fact that there are no flannels available (there a piles of them in the airing cupboard 3 feet away from the bathroom). He says there is nowhere to hang a dirty flannel (I've told him over and over again to put it in the bath and I will launder it straight away). He looks always for an excuse (he calls it a reason) to normalise his washing routine.

I've lost count of how many times I have noticed an unwashed odour when we have had sex, but I don't want to hurt his feelings so mostly I try to just put up with it, but last night he "forgot" to shower (last time was Tuesday so 4 bloody days ago) so I wouldn't let him cuddle up to me at bedtime. I'd had a couple of (unrelated to this) upsetting moments during the day and this was the last straw, which lead to this mornings row. He maintains he "meant" to shower or why else would he have put his pyjamas in the linen bin that morning? This, apparantly should be enough for me to "understand he doesn't mean anything by it"

So am I being unreasonable? I want to show him this thread later on tonight (yes, even if it turns out most of you think I am actually expecting too much) so any responses would be appreciated.

OP posts:

winesoon · 10/04/2016 11:03

YANBU. He is. No doubt about it. My DH and I shower everyday and if he didn't I wouldn't share a bed with him. Even with a newborn baby I never went a day without a shower. No excuses would cut it with me. Just gross that he then wants to have sex. Who wants to shag someone with a cheesy knob? The thought makes me feel queasy.

There's lots of things we did in the 80s that seemed fine but no longer are. Standards of acceptable behaviour change.

HTH!

Colchestergal · 10/04/2016 11:04

He wouldn't be anywhere near me after 4 days unwashed. Grim...

MsFiestyPants · 10/04/2016 11:06

Thats disgusting. I couldnt be near such a dirtbox.

winesoon · 10/04/2016 11:06

I used to work with the smelliest man ever. Horrific BO by 9am that made me feel sick. Has made me quite sensitive to it now and it's my worst fear that people think I smell. If I told DH that he smelled he would get in the shower immediately as he would be horrified.

PageStillNotFound404 · 10/04/2016 11:11

If he's shaving daily then IME it's less likely to be linked to any MH-related self-neglect.

YANBU. If he has a limited sense of smell then he should take more notice of what you're telling him because he can't rely on his own nose, not use it as an excuse to dismiss you.

AugustaFinkNottle · 10/04/2016 11:17

He doesn't need a flannel to wash, FFS, he could use his hands. But anyway, as you've made clear, that argument simply doesn't work. If the excuse about his skin being sore has any more validity, he should use aqueous cream.

I really wouldn't be prepared to sleep with someone who doesn't wash daily.

airside · 10/04/2016 11:18

So he showers when he's been particularly active or at worst twice a week.

And this is disgusting and disrespectful why?

littleshirleybeans · 10/04/2016 11:18

Yanbu!!!!!! That's disgusting. Plain and simple. My dh has a shower every morning and I usually insist he has a shower before going to bed as well!
Can't stand poor personal hygiene. I keep myself very clean and I expect those close to me to do the same! DS2 (7) is very particular about keeping himself clean and will ask if he's "nice and fresh" after going to the bathroom.
He does ask me to help him and we use loo roll with soap on it or baby lotion, and sometimes wipes (though I'm wary of these for flushing issues )
I don't feel comfortable myself having sex unless my bits and pieces are clean, and as I tell dh, "Cleanliness is next to fuckliness"
I wouldn't let my dh into the bed if he was only having a shower a couple of times a week! You are so NBU!!!!!! Have some to cover the smell!

gamerchick · 10/04/2016 11:21

I'm now wondering how often you wash airside if you think this is in any way fine.

MsMommie · 10/04/2016 11:24

Maybe showering daily doesn't affect his skin but that is no excuse not to wash your face, brush your teeth, scrub your pits and sweaty balls twice a day.
Gross.
I just couldn't sleep next to someone who smelt less than fresh.
YADNBU

MsMommie · 10/04/2016 11:26

Twice a week is not enough to keep your body clean and odour free if you are not doing at least a basic strip wash twice a day. airside

CandleWithHair · 10/04/2016 11:31

littleshirley congrats on passing on your hygiene neuroticism to your 7 year old . Soap on loo roll, ffs!

OP personal hygiene is just that, personal. That said, he's your husband and it's bothering you to the extent that it's affecting your sex life, so he really should be taking your feelings more seriously. I personally don't think YABU to expect him to wash more, but then also feel a bit 'his body, his decision' too. The sense of smell thing is probably the biggest issue here, he just doesn't realise how nasty a whiffy willy is!

gingerboy1912 · 10/04/2016 11:31

I grew up in the70's and yes we may not have bathed every night but we did wash every day a proper sink wash, hands face pits, feet n fanny. We never missed a good wash every day. Your husband is being a lazy sod imo. There's no need for poor personal hygiene unless you are unwell in any way.

BolshierAryaStark · 10/04/2016 11:36

That's grim OP, no way would I share a bed with him.
I feel grubby if I don't have a daily shower or bath.

P1nkP0ppy · 10/04/2016 11:36

He's definitely a lazy sod as gingerboy says. There's no excuse whatsoever for not showering regularly other that bloody mindedness or being too bloody lazy.
No way would I be in bed with him!
Yuck.😖

AhHaaaaa · 10/04/2016 11:38

Fuck me, he's lazy.
Some people need daily washes. I shower daily, DH showers every other day. If he's done something active or he's ill, he showers daily. I like his human smell and think people should have their own smells, but not 4 days when his excuse is the flannels are 3 ft away. Flannels are one time use things only for me.

Surely if you can't tell if you smell, you would go the other extreme and over wash as you wouldn't want people to think you smell in case you did and you couldn't tell.

KoalaDownUnder · 10/04/2016 11:39

YANBU!!!

Dear God.

No way would I be interested in intimacy with someone who hadn't showered within the past 24 hours. Maximum.

The eczema is a bullshit excuse. There are body washes formulated for that.

Yuck.

Savagebeauty · 10/04/2016 11:43

He's a skanky bastard.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2016 11:48

YANBU

That's just totally selfish when you're living with someone and sharing a bed etc.

And even more so if he expects sex/intimacy.

Ginkypig · 10/04/2016 11:48

Ynbu!

Both dp and I have skin issues (his very bad) he feels showers can make him worse. He uses special stuff for washing skin and hair as shower gel/shampoo also upsets his skin.

He showers every other day I shower roughly the same (in summer more)

but

On the days we don't shower we wash our armpits and genitals. (Sometimes feet)

I would never not wash the areas that cause smell making bacteria.

As for sex neither of us choose the day we've not had a shower as it is disrespectful to the other (even though we have washed the areas)

to the op's husband, you need to wash at least your genitals and armpits everyday even if you don't think you smell because others will probably smell it before you notice. Also you wife is upset so even if you think your in the wrong if it makes her feel more connected to you it's worth it isn't it? also at least twice a week in the shower.

airside · 10/04/2016 11:49

It depends what I've been doing. Once a day to every couple of days. After four days I'd be itching to wash my hair but I wouldn't say I'd be disgusting unless those four days had involved something active and sweaty! I would like to transport the "twice a day" brigade back to a time before central heating and constant hot water was the norm.

Maybe the OP needs to invite her husband to shower with her. It would encourage him to wash more often and solve the cheesy willy problem some people have identified.

When I was a student, I went out with a lad who would disappear off to the bathroom to wash his bits before any intimacy. It was a polite gesture but as he rarely washed his flannel the resultant sour smell was worse than if he hadn't bothered.

YoJesse · 10/04/2016 11:51

Doesn't a shower before sex seem like a bit of a waste though? I like/need a shower post sex.

JuxtapositionRecords · 10/04/2016 11:53

I disagree with most it seems as I think YABU. It's his body, you have no right to tell him what to do with it. He is a grown adult. If you don't want to have sex or anything with him because of the smell, tell him to wash or shower first. But I think you are overreacting on how it is making you feel.

Wolpertinger · 10/04/2016 11:56

I would not have sex with someone who smelled unpleasant and have had to tell my DH this

You can wash in the shower with your hands. If he finds shower gel makes his skin sore buy some Aveeno or one of the many many body washes formulated for people with ezcema who manage to wash successfully and aren't smelly

Every other day is fine if he has a sedentary job. Less often is not. Daily if job is physical. There would be no intimacy happening in my house.

CandyFlossBrain · 10/04/2016 11:56

I notice that you appear to be in charge of basic household tasks too. It sounds like you've got a proper manchild on your hands.

I notice some people saying that essentially he's an adult and is therefore free to wash whenever he likes. Fine. But the OP is also an adult, and presumably shouldn't have to have sex with a whiffy partner when she doesn't want to, right?

These are the kind of small resentments that act like cancer in relationships. Ask him straight, does he want to be stinky and alone, or clean and in a happy marriage? Seriously, you can be out of the shower and dressed in ten minutes, and there aren't many people who really can't make that time commitment every day.

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