AIBU to expect my husband to wash?

[crafter1957]

I would be grateful for an outside perspective please. I don't think I am being unreasonable or asking too much of my husband - but he does.

He will only shower twice a week. Daily he shaves and washes his face. He says it makes his skin sore if he showers more often, and I've tried to be understanding about this. BUT he does not wash his armpits or genitals in between showers as a rule (there is the odd exception but mostly not) and I find this offensive, off putting, hurtful and disrespectful.

We have had a huge row about this earlier today. He said he forgets to wash if he doesn't feel uncomfortable, such as when he has been doing physical jobs or exertion such as a long walk, he does not believe me when I tell him that he doesn't need to be exerting himself to start smelling stale, it's what happens to a human body naturally if left unwashed. He also thinks it pertinent that as he has a poor sense of smell does not have the ability to tell if he needs a wash. I feel that he shouldn't actually need to get as far as being smelly, that he should wash as a general daily thing regardless of whether he smells or not. I always wash and would be devastated if I thought he was feeling about me the same way he makes me feel about him.

He cites the fact that there are no flannels available (there a piles of them in the airing cupboard 3 feet away from the bathroom). He says there is nowhere to hang a dirty flannel (I've told him over and over again to put it in the bath and I will launder it straight away). He looks always for an excuse (he calls it a reason) to normalise his washing routine.

I've lost count of how many times I have noticed an unwashed odour when we have had sex, but I don't want to hurt his feelings so mostly I try to just put up with it, but last night he "forgot" to shower (last time was Tuesday so 4 bloody days ago) so I wouldn't let him cuddle up to me at bedtime. I'd had a couple of (unrelated to this) upsetting moments during the day and this was the last straw, which lead to this mornings row. He maintains he "meant" to shower or why else would he have put his pyjamas in the linen bin that morning? This, apparantly should be enough for me to "understand he doesn't mean anything by it"

So am I being unreasonable? I want to show him this thread later on tonight (yes, even if it turns out most of you think I am actually expecting too much) so any responses would be appreciated.

You can get similar effects fof the Squatty Potty by using a toddler stool to make your stools. as it were.

Yanbu!! I used to shower twice a day. Now I have house with no shower, I bath about every third day. I do however wash my face pits and bits twice a day. And feet sometimes. Tbf pre ds I bathed daily but I struggle to fine the time in the day now.

If he doesn't want to shower he can lather up his hands to wash pits and 'rinse' with a clean wet flannel. And dangle his penis into the sink. Or something.

Apparently people vary in their ability to smell BO. It may be pretty much 50-50 can/can't smell it. I can, DD and BiL1 are hypersensitive, BiL2 and MiL are oblivious and MiL gets very huffy if anyone suggests BiL2 is not a lovely person to sit in the back if the car with. DH can't smell it on himself but accepts the need to wash before bed as well as a morning shower.
So where does this get the OP? Well, either he can't smell it and can't understand the problem, in which case he needs reeducation and a clear routine to follow (wash twice a day), or he is being awkward and needs to be sanctioned.
Good luck and hope it doesn't end in divorce!

Oh god, crystalgall, that advert is brilliant! A unicorn shitting rainbow Mr Whippy!

How old is he?
No way I would have sex with someone that stunk. It is very disrespectful of him to not care how it makes you feel.

I have never got the whole strip wash thing when able to, and have access to a shower.

Even now my hair no longer needs washing daily, I would still feel minging with just a wipe with a flannel. And as a pp mentioned, what about washing feet? Takes two minutes to jump in shower with hair tied up and do a full 360° turn wash with shower gel/soap.
Just a bloody faff standing at a sink with flannel.

gamerchick, exactly what I was thinking (bj)

How long has it been like this? Does he genuinely have severe skin issues that are going untreated? Because I can understand why that would put him off.

I shower at least once a day but more often than not twice. I couldn't live with someone that showered so infrequently and I certainly wouldn't be having sex with them on non-shower days. That being said I have the nose of a bloodhound

I'm another one who doesn't get the strip wash thing, to me a rinse in the shower is just as quick.

That's interesting nomorechickens.

There are threads like this quite often and on them people always say 'I shower once a week and I don't smell' but my experience is that people do smell.
Ive known several people who say they only wash a couple of times a week and insist they don't smell. Or they don't use shampoo/soap and they think they don't smell.

But they do. They really do - and on buses/trains and in queues you can always smell it.

Peoples differing sense of smell would explain it!

crystalgall
As an aside, culturally I also don't understand baths as a way of getting clean. Growing up we had a stool in the bath for sitting on and giant bucket filled with water and little one for scooping and washing. We didn't sit in a bath of soapy water and then just get out. How do you get clean like that?

Because you don't just sit in a bath of soapy water! You actively wash whilst sitting in a bath of water. You don't just climb in, sit there, and then climb out again. There is copious amounts of washing with soap or shower gel going on you know

I'm another one who thinks a shower is easier and quicker than a 'pits and bits' wash at the sink.

No advice OP but it sounds really rats and isn't something I could live with.

My DP is (in my opinion) too far the other way - he HAS to shower every day and won't ever consider staying anywhere without a shower even for just one night. Where as I will happily shower on a Friday evening after work, go camping for 2 nights at a site without a shower (wet wipe wash on Saturday evening if needed) and shower Sunday night on my return.

He is downright unhygienic and n this day and age it just isn't acceptable!

However, surely he didn't just turn this way? Surely you have known for some time?

Because this sort of thing would put me right off but in the early days ie he would have been well and truly dumped a looooong time ago as it would be something that I would never compromise on

I agree QuiteLikely.
Why would you go on to marry somebody you find repulsive due to their lack of hygiene.
Very odd.

I won't go to a camp site without a shower, either, whois. Yuk.

Re the strip wash. I do it because we don't have a shower and our bathroom is higgledy-piggledy and you couldn't add a shower without major building work. You couldn't put one over the bath.

If we had a shower I would jump in rather than strip wash because it'seasy. Also people used to do it to conserve water/money.

OP what did your DH say about this thread?

YADNBU. He is just lazy and disrespectful towards you. This is socially unacceptable. I would honestly leave someone who behaved like this . No way would I have this person as my partner. Imagine how grim he will be when he is 70. Serious words now ie ultimatum time.

That was actually my first LTB!

Yuck. I couldn't bear having a partner with no standard of hygiene, it would be a LTB from me. Although, if it is not a new thing with him, wild horses would not have made me get together with him in the first place!

Yeuk! Sounds gross.
I wouldn't let him get into bed with me until he showered.
Simple as that really.
'Have you had a shower'
Nope
'Well get one and then you can get in bed, I do not want your smelly body next to me so go wash it'
Seriously! I just would. No harm in trying that.

expatinscotland it does so limit the campsite opportunities tho! DP likes the small, quiet idyllic camp sites but those don't tend to be the ones with shower blocks!

YANBU. Poor you.

I think there are two fundamental problems here, one physical and one mental (for want of a better word).

Firstly: Physically, he (says he) has a skin problem. Lots of people do. And lots of people seek medical help for it. And lots of people find solutions for it, including through specialised skin products (the doctor can prescribe/recommend something). I know this can be a pain, and he might need to try several different products before finding something that works for him, but (given the normal social desire not to smell grim) it is unreasonable for an adult not to seek medical help to resolve this.

Secondly, I think there might be something else/additional going on - something that explains why he doesn't want to wash and/or doesn't want to seek medical advice for his skin problem. Someone upthread suggested depression. Equally it could be some sort of phobia (or some mental disorder that manifests itself in not wanting to wash - a bit like the opposite of clinical OCD). Equally it could just be that he's immature/lazy. Whatever it is, this needs to be dealt with.

The fact that he has a poor sense of smell is no excuse. While it's true that some people get smelly more quickly than others (and have sensitive skin problems etc), if his wife is telling him he smells bad then a normal grown-up would make an effort to wash more frequently. His excuses really sound like an indication of an underlying psychological problem.

Since he's not seeking medical advice (for both of these problems) himself, I'd recommend that you escort him to the GP.

And I agree with others: no sex or cuddles when he smells bad, and compliment fellate him when he smells nice.

What has he said about this thread?

lorelei9here I bet there's a few of us around who have washed thoroughly, daily, in cold water with no central heating. Or even used a cold shower if they had access to one.

Even with access to a shower I'd choose a strip wash if it was cold. A cold shower in a cold room is horrible. And I've done this many times... mainly when living with gas key meter that would run out at crucial times. and selfish inconsiderate male housemates

crystalgall Yes I am one of those from a culture where you wash after going to the toilet. We have a little watering can by the toilet for the job. Just fill before you go and wash genitals/bum when done. Cleanest way imo.

Ok... and what then? As I asked upthread, what is the traditional way to deal with the fact that you're then all wet? The countries I have been in that have this arrangement have no obvious way of drying yourself ... Being all wet down there is so unpleasant, rubs, I always carry loo roll just to dry.

He is being disrespectful, lazy and selfish!

How difficult is it to have a 5-minute shower every day or at least every other day?

My XH was like this, used to shower weekly and often 'forgot' to use deodorant/brush his teeth. He insisted he 'hadn't been doing anything to get sweaty or dirty' but the reality was he smelled stale, particularly his feet and breath. It was one of the reasons I divorced him. It was repulsive!

If showering makes his skin sore he's using the wrong products. A gentle ph balanced shower gel shouldn't irritate, and moisturiser will relieve any dryness.

At th very least he should wash his armpits, feet, genitals and groin daily and before sex, with soap, and wear fresh underwear!

I expect a lot of friends/colleagues also think he smells bad but are too embarrassed to mention it!