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Original poster

Son treated badly at his own birthday party

130 replies

talllikejerryhall · 10/04/2016 00:09

I am still fuming from the whole incident, hence why I'm posting now, instead of sleeping soundly.

So it's my kid's birthday party and all well except a so-called friend of his who didn't stop belittling and treating him like sh*t, all day long - usually within earshot of me! I told him off a couple times, but didn't want to be sat there haranguing him, and making a bad situation worse, so generally kept out of it until it got bad, at which point I would step in and say something. It was just low-level contempt and disdain, all day. The sort of thing that would upset you if you saw it happening to a friend or a relative when you were out, except it was happening to my son at his own birthday. Another kid pulled me aside to complain that he was feeling bullied too.

I was honestly stunned by his behaviour. You expect kids to at least mind their P&Qs when the birthday boy's parents are stood right there, but not this one.

I have written an email to the child's mum, with whom I am friends, but not sent it.

It wasn't just his behaviour to my son that upset me, but there was also some really unpleasant sexualised conversation relating girls in their class which had me gobsmacked.

My husband says I will have a massive falling out with my friend if I bring up her child's behaviour, but I think a kid needs to be told when they are out of line.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 10/04/2016 13:18

Oops, that'll teach me for not reading all the way to the end.

SquinkiesRule · 10/04/2016 15:15

Don't be surprised if you now get the cold shoulder and dirty looks.
I told off one of Dd's friends as she was being nasty, I was listening to the whole thing, then she tried to rope her brother in, telling him what to say and what to call Dd. So I told her off.
Then she went off and cried to her Mum so I told her what had been said and done and that I'd told her to stop. Both her kids denied and they can do no wrong apparently.
Till the boy squealed to his parents and landed his sis in it admitted what was said and they couldn't apologize then as they had been so adamant that their children were innocent.
Two years later, I get a cold "hello" and a rare small talk as needed. The kids hardly speak as they now have different friends and will occasionally play together now
I couldn't care less, I thought the Mum and Dad were both a bit crackers.

EverySongbirdSays · 10/04/2016 15:17

Should we await the thread that says:

a) I am FUMING that my friend has phoned to criticise my child

OR

b) to be so so upset that my DS would behave like this?

Smile
Scaredycat3000 · 10/04/2016 15:40

Oh good, well done, I like to know what my DS's do. I firmly believe not being honest to yourself about your DC's behavior is doing them a massive disservice. It's just been(younger) DS1's party, I knew who I'd need to keep an eye on and why. Within moments heard him trying to organize a game against DS2, so quickly told him no and that picking on the smallest was not nice. I used to work in an inner city secondary, so telling off random children with confidence and steely stare comes maybe to naturally. Sadly my biggest problem is with a relative who's child has upped the stakes and now attacks my DC on every occasion we, rarely, meet. Half of these attacks happen directly under the parents noses and they deny it's happened, Sad, this is going to end very badly for them when I blow.

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2016 15:46

I'm glad she was responsive and took it all on board.

However I think there are issues with respecting authority figures (or any figures for that matter!), which probably have something to do with why he behaved as he did. will mean it shouldn't have come as a surprise which either means she hasn't addressed it in the past, or whatever is being done about it is ineffectual.

TBH I wouldn't hold out much hope for your friendship because even if you know there's a problem with your child it's not nice when your friends have to complain about them.

Sorry. Hope I'm wrong.

Atenco · 10/04/2016 15:53

Wonderful, OP. She sounds like a good friend to have and so do you.

Hopefully her son will get through this phase and also turn out well.

lem73 · 10/04/2016 15:57

I had a similar problem with a friend of dd's last year. I spoke to the mum face to face and at the time she was 'so angry' because my DD had been such a good friend to her DD and then.....she never spoke to me again! I fully expected that to happen but I couldn't let that behaviour go when the child had been a guest in our house
Ps I was on the school run a couple of weeks ago and the girl was sitting alone in her mum's car. She stuck her tongue out at me! I was so tempted to do it back to her!

lljkk · 10/04/2016 16:34

Her son may come back with a long list of horrible things that OP's son has done to upset him, going back years. Or it turns out that OP's son always treats the lad this way & the other lad thought it was their in-joke to be horrible like that to each other. OP's son will completely deny (bald faced lies to own mum). Or there will be a list of other mistreatment the boy feels he got on the party day.

Can of Worms.

Valentine2 · 10/04/2016 17:01

I have had a tough time over one of my DS birthdays. One kid who is always very rude and hard to contain (but whose parents have been long time friends so we had to invite them) basically opened DS's presents. It was a nightmare. And since the parents didn't help us cope with the aftermath, it has damaged our relationship somewhat. I don't like they took advantage of the fact that as hosts we had to be polite. Can't give the whole details for fear of outing myself. Lol

PPie10 · 10/04/2016 17:33

You both sound lovely and mature op. Glad she was reasonable and listened to you without immediately assuming her son wasn't at fault. Even if she comes back with another version from him, at least that awful child will learn that people are going to challenge his bad ways and he can't get away with it.

diddl · 10/04/2016 17:42

I'd have phoned her to collect him on the grounds that he obviously wasn't enjoying himself.

lem73 · 10/04/2016 17:49

Ooh diddl, I like that idea.

diddl · 10/04/2016 17:51
Blush

I wonder if he wasn't bothered about going but was encouraged to do so by his mum for the sake of her friendship with Op?

Not that that excuses his behaviour, of course.

lem73 · 10/04/2016 17:52

I would like to know if my dcs behaved like this because ultimately they will lose friends if they continue like that. However, some people don't appreciate that to have good friends, you need to be a good friend too.

mathanxiety · 10/04/2016 21:45

probing, wanted evidence for each claim, exploring what I said carefully,

Your friendship is now over.

I would contact the school and mention the sexualised comments about the girls and the problem he showed with accepting authority.

WonderingAspie · 11/04/2016 11:13

math, sorry but that's total rubbish. That statement does not show the friendship is over and another parent cannot contact the school to say "another child said this at the weekend and didn't listen to authority!" I'd go mad if another parent contact the school to complain about my son in this way. The incident didn't happen at school so it has sod all to do with them.

PeppaIsMyHero · 11/04/2016 11:52

How are you feeling about it this morning? It sounds like a horrid situation, but I'd join the others in advising against putting something like this in email: it usually comes across as the sender dictating to the recipient, rather than wanting to have a two-way conversation about it and that can backfire terribly.

Good luck - it's awful when you've looked forward to something so much and some little tyke destroys the dream...

Loopy22 · 11/04/2016 11:54

Your child needs to stick up for himself! The best way for this humour, and a witty response back. If you are a bit mad and the brat! Was out of line on his behaviour spread rumours that little Timmy said something so offensive that it cannot be repeated to other mum in his school. This will get back kids who will soon ostracise him as Being the fowl one. If the child's Mother doesn't like it and wants an explanation tell her you were so shocked you had to cry, and he ruined your sons birthday. I would also ask her were her little darling got such law defining language from, and in such hurtful contense. This would leave her looking silly you would be implying in was from her.

Loopy22 · 11/04/2016 11:55

Ps sorry about the Grammar.

treacletoffee23 · 11/04/2016 11:56

The child is a bully I'm afraid. Motivated by jealousy.

Original poster
talllikejerryhall · 11/04/2016 12:01

I am delighted I didn't email - thanks for the very sound advice on that, MN! - but I am glad I spoke about the child's behaviour to his mum.

I didn't attack, just laid out the facts, she listened, asked questions and apologised for his behaviour and said she would speak to him.

The boys' friendship may have run its course, but I feel that I can look her in the eye without feeling aggrieved, and hopefully he will understand what he did wasn't on.

Not the end of the world, but happy to have sorted it like adults!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 11/04/2016 12:04

I have never felt that I have to invite my friends' kids to my kids' parties. To me the 2 are completely separate. My friends come to my parties my kids' friends come to theirs.
Different when they are tiny and have no friends but I didn't bother with parties at that age.

shovetheholly · 11/04/2016 12:19

I don't think your friendship is necessarily over. Not everyone behaves like a child having a tantrum when something negative is mentioned! While criticism is almost always hard to take, some people deal with it in a constructive way. The fact that she wanted evidence is a good sign - she sounds really rational.

Carrieannegreen · 11/04/2016 12:40

I think you should say something about the child's behaviour but definitely face to face. Tbh , I would have phoned the mum after a couple of warnings to the child. That way his mum might get to witness his behaviour and it gets dealt with straight away. Hope it goes well OP.

WhatTimeIsItCuckoo · 11/04/2016 13:33

I haven't read all the thread thoroughly OP but have got the gist of it and wanted to reply as it resonated with me re friendships between boys of this age. My eldest also recently turned 11 and, whilst organising his birthday party, I noticed a marked difference in the boys he wanted to invite. His close friendship group had suddenly changed and there were a couple of boys he'd always been very close to that he just didn't want to invite (no falling out or anything, they just didn't hang out at school together anymore). I felt very awkward and awful about not inviting them as over the years I too had become friendly with their mums and, like you, I very nearly invited them anyway so as not to hurt the boys/their mums. It was only when I was chatting about this to one of the other mums that she advised me to go purely with who my son wanted to invite as she'd been in exactly the same position and had gone ahead and invited a particular boy due to being friends with his mum/feeling bad etc. Unfortunately once they were all at the party the dynamics were then all wrong, as in the other boy just clearly wasn't fitting in (no bullying or anything but just sort of out of everything/on the outside) so obviously she ended up feeling really bad about that in the end. I did as she'd advised, it didn't stop me feeling awkward re the other mums but I hope they understood, I figure they realise themselves that the boys aren't very close nowadays anyway.

I know the situation here is a little different to yours but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I get how hard it is to sort of back off from your kids' friendships at this age when you've got used to certain children being around and you've formed friendships with the parents as a result. I've found this final year at primary school very tricky with this sort of thing and I go through it all again next year with my daughter!

Anyway, glad to hear things went well when you spoke to the other mum. I hope you and your son are ok now and he still enjoyed his birthday! Smile