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Original poster

Son treated badly at his own birthday party

130 replies

talllikejerryhall · 10/04/2016 00:09

I am still fuming from the whole incident, hence why I'm posting now, instead of sleeping soundly.

So it's my kid's birthday party and all well except a so-called friend of his who didn't stop belittling and treating him like sh*t, all day long - usually within earshot of me! I told him off a couple times, but didn't want to be sat there haranguing him, and making a bad situation worse, so generally kept out of it until it got bad, at which point I would step in and say something. It was just low-level contempt and disdain, all day. The sort of thing that would upset you if you saw it happening to a friend or a relative when you were out, except it was happening to my son at his own birthday. Another kid pulled me aside to complain that he was feeling bullied too.

I was honestly stunned by his behaviour. You expect kids to at least mind their P&Qs when the birthday boy's parents are stood right there, but not this one.

I have written an email to the child's mum, with whom I am friends, but not sent it.

It wasn't just his behaviour to my son that upset me, but there was also some really unpleasant sexualised conversation relating girls in their class which had me gobsmacked.

My husband says I will have a massive falling out with my friend if I bring up her child's behaviour, but I think a kid needs to be told when they are out of line.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
cheapandcheerful · 10/04/2016 07:47

Could you discuss your concerns about her son's sexualised comments in a non-accusatory way?

"Yes ds had a lovely birthday thanks but gosh I was shocked at the content of some of their conversations! I think I need to sit ds down for a bit of a chat about how important it is to respect the girls in his class."

This will no doubt cause the other mum to ask some questions which you can answer honestly but I think feels less like you pointing the finger specifically at her ds.

ILeaveTheRoomForTwoMinutes · 10/04/2016 07:50

Youarent
I would agree with you, if the child had actally taken any notice of the OP.

But he didn't, he showed a nasty side towards other children and the OP by continuing right in front of her.

Yes she did call out the behaviour, but it was ignored.

Blu · 10/04/2016 07:53

I think I would talk to DS about it and find out what he thinks about how his friend was behaving, and equip him to deal with it. Give him some ideas as to assertive things to say back, and how to detach and not play with him.

I doubt very much the mother will
Respond non-defensively to any approach by you.

The only thing I might say is 'is xx starting to take an interest in girls? You might want to know that he said xyz'. Be very specific with your quote rather than describe it in terms of negative values like he 'was talking in unpleasant sexualized terms' etc.

ILeaveTheRoomForTwoMinutes · 10/04/2016 07:53

cheapandcheerful

No that conversation implies the OP has a issue with her own sons behaviour. The other parent probably won't read between the lines of that.

Janecc · 10/04/2016 07:57

I like the comment from Mimi. Yes the shit sandwich. A wonderful thing. So the ending - sort of thing like I was a bit surprised and I thought out of character. I was wondering if anything was troubling him. He's not usually like that.... Lovely boy etc. Like this maybe? Or does anyone have a better suggestion?
Regarding the email thing if it is done with zero blame, zero criticism from a viewpoint of caring it, it could work. It is difficult to wrire this on your own because emotions can get in the way. I've recently sent a couple of these to nasty critical, family members, to ask them to stop, they made a tiny positive impact and it took a lot of blood sweat and tears along with help from my counsellor. Words on paper can so easily be misinterpreted as no one is there to give voice tone or body language.

BertrandRussell · 10/04/2016 07:59

I probably wouldn't talk to the mother. But I would talk to the school about the sexualized stuff. It's something to be to take up with the whole year group.

differentnameforthis · 10/04/2016 08:00

I'm shocked by the amount of people who have put this down to "boys will be boys" "it's normal" etc

That shit is what leads to our girls being disrespected, objective & sexually assaulted.

If nothing else, his nasty sexualised comments about his peers need addressing & not pussy-footing around.

Yeahsure · 10/04/2016 08:02

Dear lord do not send an email!

Listen I'm parent to three teenagers. Emails and texts criticising people's dc are never EVER received well! It will just create WW3.

What are you hoping to achieve?

There are always little shits among kids' friendship groups.

Also I can't tell you how many times a parent sees only the bad in other kids and good in their own. I have stood open mouthed while the mother of the most potty mouthed boy in the class has told me all about the other kids who have lead him astray or told 'lies' about him. Not saying your son is like this but these are 11 year old boys. I do understand why you are upset but you really don't know the day to day dynamics, you don't know what language they all use etc etc.

It's not your problem if this kid is rude. Just look after your own business, make sure you build your ds with confidence and self esteem, talk to him about the way his friend talks. About how his friend talks to him. Use this as a great opportunity to discuss all of this stuff and move forward positively.

leelu66 · 10/04/2016 08:04

I think she would be appalled at how her son behaved today.

I wouldn't be too sure of this. She and the dad were present and said nothing to their kid?

differentnameforthis · 10/04/2016 08:04

objective = objectified

NattyTile · 10/04/2016 08:06

Think the ship has sailed this time. But for future reference: "You need to stop that, or I'll call your mum to fetch you home." And follow through.

Inkanta · 10/04/2016 08:07

Yes I would do it face to face in a more casual fashion - where you can ask questions and give a few examples of what happened. Be genuine and plain speaking with the right tone of voice. I would want to suss out the situation and see what she has to say. Be curious - is everything alright type of approach.
.
An email would get a defensive response.

differentnameforthis · 10/04/2016 08:07

It's not your problem if this kid is rude It is her business because 1] it was happening in her house and 2] towards her child.

And the really unpleasant sexualised stuff he was saying?

Doesn't sound like his parents were there...

ILeaveTheRoomForTwoMinutes · 10/04/2016 08:18

An email would get a defensive response

Yes it probably would, but it's about make the other parent aware of the behaviour. They may react badly, but it's there in black and white, for them to think about and hopefully deal with.

The mother complaining about other DC potty mouth, whilst her own is the worst, maybe because no body bothered to tell her about her dc potty mouth?

SquidgeyMidgey · 10/04/2016 08:27

I would want to send the email, but I wouldn't. I agree with the comments that they're at a funny age. I work in yr 6 and previously solid friendships are fragmenting, even among children going to the same high school. Similarly my DS is yr 5 and it's already starting there, the 'nice' kids are growing some and distancing themselves from the ones like the kid at your party.

I would steer your DS towards the decent kids, though he will probably do it himself anyway. Just because you're friends with the nasty kid's mum doesn't mean your DSs have to pushed together.

Yeahsure · 10/04/2016 08:29

Ok well this is why there is so much hysteria and rows amongst parents if people actually think emailing other parents about their kids bad behaviour is a fabulous idea. Knock yourselves out!

The only way to do this (I wouldn't - as I said I would use this as an opportunity to speak to my own child about this behaviour, about being confident enough to stand up to other kids if they are being unpleasant, about using inappropriate language, being respectful etc) would be talk to her in person and do it honestl, supportively and non-angrily. So 'listen this is a bit awkard, I hope you don't mind me bringing this up but I thought if it was me I'd probably want to know so I could talk to my ds'. You'll still not get a great response though trust me!

ILeaveTheRoomForTwoMinutes · 10/04/2016 08:40

No body is saying it should be an angry accusational email.

Just balanced, wrote with care.

I completely agree a to a shit sandwich.

mummytime · 10/04/2016 08:46

First you need to remember they are not friends, and to let your son choose who to invite to parties in future.
Second I probably would say something to the friend, but after I had calmed down. And possibly along the lines of "Titus didn't seem very happy at the party. He kept saying nasty things to other children."

Third I would think about the schools everyone is going to. This can be a time when friendship groups really change, and can become quite tribal towards their new schools. Nerves can be hidden by bravado about how their school is the best and all others are rubbish/have chronic bullying. (And parents can get pretty emotional too.)

Cocochoco · 10/04/2016 08:50

I'd go for what blu said. And depending on how she reacted, I'd go on to say how weird it was because he also seemed very antagonistic towards ds and I had to step in a few times. But I'd tread very very carefully as friendships (and parents) are so volatile in y6/7.

CaptainCrunch · 10/04/2016 09:01

She won't thank you for telling her ds is a shit. Say goodbye to the friendship if you pursue this route.

Kaddy · 10/04/2016 09:03

I'd only say something if I saw her. If I were the OP my main concern would be talking to my son and discussing ways that he could deal with it in future.

Original poster
talllikejerryhall · 10/04/2016 09:03

I have slept on it, which has taken the angry sting out of my feelings about the situation, but I feel an obligation to speak to my friend about what I saw and heard yesterday.

I would want to know if my DS was behaving like that and I think she would too.

But I will tread very carefully in my wording, and expect that this may well be the end of the friendship.

Thank you all for advice and perspective

OP posts:
Empressa · 10/04/2016 09:05

I'm a bit surprised you didn't really tackle it at the time, to be honest.

But then, I'm a teacher and have no issue telling other people's kids off. If it was that bad I'd have called his mum to pick him up, and the sexualised conversation would have been stopped then and there.

That way, you have closure and could go home annoyed but fundamentally able to get past it.

Re read the email this morning and take everything out except the factual - his behaviour wasn't great, your son was taken aback and you were upset by it. Just thought I'd let you know.

Or, not even an email, just cut him off (as will naturally happen anyway)

Empressa · 10/04/2016 09:06

X post

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2016 09:07

Your poor ds Sad. I would never invite him again, Mabey when you are calm, have a chat to his mum abut how her son treated yours.

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