Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son treated badly at his own birthday party

130 replies

talllikejerryhall · 10/04/2016 00:09

I am still fuming from the whole incident, hence why I'm posting now, instead of sleeping soundly.

So it's my kid's birthday party and all well except a so-called friend of his who didn't stop belittling and treating him like sh*t, all day long - usually within earshot of me! I told him off a couple times, but didn't want to be sat there haranguing him, and making a bad situation worse, so generally kept out of it until it got bad, at which point I would step in and say something. It was just low-level contempt and disdain, all day. The sort of thing that would upset you if you saw it happening to a friend or a relative when you were out, except it was happening to my son at his own birthday. Another kid pulled me aside to complain that he was feeling bullied too.

I was honestly stunned by his behaviour. You expect kids to at least mind their P&Qs when the birthday boy's parents are stood right there, but not this one.

I have written an email to the child's mum, with whom I am friends, but not sent it.

It wasn't just his behaviour to my son that upset me, but there was also some really unpleasant sexualised conversation relating girls in their class which had me gobsmacked.

My husband says I will have a massive falling out with my friend if I bring up her child's behaviour, but I think a kid needs to be told when they are out of line.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
talllikejerryhall · 10/04/2016 09:10

I am pretty forthright and told him to cut it out a few times, only to be largely ignored and for behaviour to continue. We were at a venue very far from where we live, which we had taken kids out to, so it would have been a mega faff to get his mum out there, not to mention v disruptive to party.

I noticed the child in question didn't respond to instruction from other people either - I think there are issues with respecting authority figures (or any figures for that matter!), which probably have something to do with why he behaved as he did.

OP posts:
winewolfhowls · 10/04/2016 09:12

I think you are right to tell the mum. Perhaps read off your email to keep to the point and be non confrontational.

KittyCheshire · 10/04/2016 09:14

still gobsmacked this morning that the prevailing attitude is to completely ignore it.

He was a GUEST in HER HOME.

Are you all saying if your child went to a party and showed themselves and YOU up with abhorrent behaviour, that you wouldn't want to know so you could tackle it?

I would NOT be falling out with the parent who told me, i'd be apologetic, fucking mortified and my child would NOT be going to another party for a bloody long time, until they could demonstrate they've gained some fucking manners!

2rebecca · 10/04/2016 09:19

Age 11 I'm surprised you're choosing who to invite to your son's party. My mum used to try and get me to invite people I had been friends with but who now bullied me. I refused. Next time let him choose the guest list.
The kid sounds unpleasant but it sounds like he was unpleasant to everyone and maybe didn't want to be there and wasn't sure why he'd been invited.
If a good friend I'd tell her but face to face or on the phone not an email.

Iwillorderthefood · 10/04/2016 09:20

its sad that the boy in question feels he is able to behave this way with little or no comeback from anyone. Unfortunately it does not surprise me, as many people (myself included) do tend to ignore bad behaviour by others in public for fear or recriminations. It seems that confrontation when parents are all striving to make their children the very best that they can be is becoming harder. I agree with a previous poster about talking to the boy at the time. Usually in those situations children carry on, at which point I would ask "how would your parents feel about you behaving like this?" Again the response would usually be "oh they're fine with it." Cue me reaching for my phone, starting to dial the number and saying "ok I'll call them and tell them what you are up to then shall I?" This usually works a treat. If they brazen it out though you have to follow through.

winewolfhowls · 10/04/2016 09:21

Hear hear kitty !

MajesticWhine · 10/04/2016 09:22

This happened to my DD aged 10. I didn't say anything except a few general comments about everyone falling out, because I was worried about making things worse. Also worried that girls very subtle bitchiness could easily be denied. In retrospect I wish I had said more. Email is not the right way. Have a chat face to face,

APlaceOnTheCouch · 10/04/2016 09:22

tbh I think you should have dealt with it at the time and then you wouldn't have had a sleepless night and it wouldn't have turned into a dilemma about what to do next.

And by dealt with it, I mean either moved the bullying DC to be beside other DCs to break up the dynamic or actually taken them out of the activity for 5 minutes and told them they had to behave. Then I'd have had a word with his parents when they came to collect him.

By leaving it, it's become more of an issue about what you say and how you say it. YY I'd want to know if my DC had behaved badly but you have sent mixed messages about his behaviour by not telling the parents yesterday but then choosing to tell them today.

Isetan · 10/04/2016 09:25

Face to face or phone her but she needs to know. If your friendship can't withstand her knowing the truth, then it's probably for the best. I think it's really important to stand up to bullying and for your son to learn that' from you.

Sanchar · 10/04/2016 09:30

i would tell her too, either in an email or face to face.

my 8yo has a friend(ha!) like this too, picks on him, always doing the "I'm sooooo much better/cleverer than youuuuu" thing.
never listens to any adult, even his mum. so much other stuff but i won't say as it will probably out me. he really is a little psychopathic narc in the making, no guilt, no remorse, no empathy, it's all about him.
ive told his mum countless times the things he has done but laughs it off as boys will be boys, ho ho ho!!

this boy is not invited anywhere now, and is slowly losing his friends as other parents realise what he is like. he is banned from our house and ds gives him a wide berth.

tell her and if she does nothing then that is her look out but at least you did something.

sulalovesbing · 10/04/2016 09:38

DS has other mates he's closer to. Just invited this friend reflexively, cause I do every year and I'm friends with his mum.

Maybe you should have let your son choose the guests. I'm guessing he wouldn't have chosen this boy, you did. Lesson learned.

QOD · 10/04/2016 09:40

I text a friend once to tell them how awfully their dd had just behaved to mine. I took my dd off the school bus and drove her to school. When I took her into the office to explain why I'd done that ( I was so fuming that I'd snapped at the TA who'd tried to keep her on the bus so I wanted to apologise and explain ) and I burst into tears. Explained.lots of issues thatd been going on culminating in this. Said I wanted her watched at lunch as little.nasty things were happening constantly.
Anyway, 'friend' caught wind of this (I'd said my complaint was unofficial) and that was it.
ostracised.
I am still friendly or aqquaibtancwd with the rest of the mum's but I'm the one left out. I'm well over it but the last 2 yrs of primary were harsh
choose your battles carefully
a simple " I was suprised by x at the party, he seemed very snipey with DS, he ok?" gets a point across but saves your friendship

Now, 7 plus years in I actually think it was the best thing because we'd all hang out together all the time. And that other girl constantly bitched at and excluded my dd and I kept meeting them as I enjoyed the mum's company.

Delacroix · 10/04/2016 10:36

Talk to her. I would be mortified to find out this was my son, but very glad I'd been told so I could start to address it. Good parents want to know their children are being little shits so they can nip it in the bud before they get a shock in the headmaster's office.

KurriKurri · 10/04/2016 10:47

I would e-mail her - because you will then remember and set down everything that happened (easy to get side tracked face to face as she will start responding) you can say in the e-mail that you are happy to talk things over too.

It's all very well ignoring this kind of thing, but this boy will soon be going to high school, and his behaviour will get worse as he gets bigger and will be taken more seriously. If it is tackled now by his parents it might save them all (and other children who might be his 'victims') a lot of grief.

There may be reasons for his behaviour - some unhappiness in him, a difficulty with friendships, - that can be talked over and resolves, he can be given other strategies for coping socially.

The Mum might take offense - in fact it is quite likely that she will be defensive and in denial - no one likes to hear their child has behaved badly. But if it is written down once she has calmed downs he will have time to reflect and think it over. She won't ignore it, she take in what you have said - but you might lose a friend in a 'shoot the messenger' way.

Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2016 12:03

talllikejerryhall re "I feel an obligation to speak to my friend about what I saw and heard yesterday." Great, well done.

Re "I would want to know if my DS was behaving like that and I think she would too." Of course, so would any responsible parent.

Hope it is OK. If she is a true friend this will not end your friendship, if it does - her loss!

(nosy-face emotion, can you pm me and tell me what she says!!!!)

Good luck.

Imonlydancing · 10/04/2016 12:04

If this had been me, I think I would have come down hard on the boy at the time, as in take him aside and say "look, if you continue to upset the party, I'll not only be telling your mum but I'll be taking you home now. I'll not have this and you'd better buck up."

And then I'd have called the mum and said "I am so sorry but xxx's behaviour today has been so bad that I just don't think he can come to any more parties. He's been awful to a number of children now, perhaps you could come and get him/talk to him on the phone etc."

It would have made it an immediate issue and saved you the hassle of notating everything he did either for an email or conversation. It would have taken the onus off you and on to her, plus it wouldn't have seemed so (wrong word but this may be how she'l take it) calculated - as an email might do.

I agree that you have to speak to her about it. She's going to have to hear it from someone.

brassbrass · 10/04/2016 12:19

I had a similar issue once where the other child was trying to basically run the party and complaining constantly about people not doing what HE wanted. Really selfish and odd behaviour on someone else's birthday. They go to enough parties to know the drill FFS!

In the end I pulled him to one side, got my mobile out and said I was calling his mum to come collect him and he needed to speak to her to explain why.

Strangely enough he managed to sort himself out for the rest of the party Wink

Original poster
talllikejerryhall · 10/04/2016 12:37

I spoke to her!

She was amazing - probing, wanted evidence for each claim, exploring what I said carefully, and obviously disappointed that her DS had behaved badly - apologised on his behalf and said she would speak to him about what we discussed.

I thanked her for listening and the conversation ended in a really civilised manner.

I feel about a million times better for having got it off my chest.

Thank you all!

OP posts:
Charley50 · 10/04/2016 12:40

I wouldn't send the email. Like you said, your DS isn't bothered, he wouldn't even have invited him.
If anything give her a call and ask if something's going on at home, as you noticed her son seemed angry and wouldn't listen to any adults etc.
But really, what are you trying to achieve by this; you told him off at the party, he ignored you; be glad it isn't your DS who is so rude and move on. As others have said, it's a rare parent who takes Criticism of their child graciously.

Charley50 · 10/04/2016 12:41

Oops cross posted.. Glad you spoke to her and she listened!

brassbrass · 10/04/2016 12:43

good news tall so pleased for you. Now you can stop feeling pissed off and concentrate on your son's birthday weekend. You did the right thing and well done for speaking to her in person.

ILeaveTheRoomForTwoMinutes · 10/04/2016 12:43

Yaaay, well done OP Flowers

notapizzaeater · 10/04/2016 12:45

Glad she took it on board, as a mum, I'd want to know how my child had behaved and dealt with it.

thecatfromjapan · 10/04/2016 13:10

Sweetie, you were the adult at that birthday party. I know it would have been difficult but it was, ultimately, your responsibility to set the behaviour guidelines at the event.
You can't send an email taking a parent to task for behaviour where she wasn't even present. Especially when you say the friendship between your ds and this child has tailed off - now you know why!

Keep the friendship with the mother; respect your ds' ability in managing friendships and don't push him to maintain relationships he's judged not to work for him.

I know how you feel though. I write all this as someone who has phoned up in the past to complain - it never goes well.

Jw35 · 10/04/2016 13:15

Glad you spoke to her. I would have sent him home, however much of a faff it was for his mother. I just wouldn't stand for that at my kids party.