Son treated badly at his own birthday party

[talllikejerryhall]

I am still fuming from the whole incident, hence why I'm posting now, instead of sleeping soundly.

So it's my kid's birthday party and all well except a so-called friend of his who didn't stop belittling and treating him like sh*t, all day long - usually within earshot of me! I told him off a couple times, but didn't want to be sat there haranguing him, and making a bad situation worse, so generally kept out of it until it got bad, at which point I would step in and say something. It was just low-level contempt and disdain, all day. The sort of thing that would upset you if you saw it happening to a friend or a relative when you were out, except it was happening to my son at his own birthday. Another kid pulled me aside to complain that he was feeling bullied too.

I was honestly stunned by his behaviour. You expect kids to at least mind their P&Qs when the birthday boy's parents are stood right there, but not this one.

I have written an email to the child's mum, with whom I am friends, but not sent it.

It wasn't just his behaviour to my son that upset me, but there was also some really unpleasant sexualised conversation relating girls in their class which had me gobsmacked.

My husband says I will have a massive falling out with my friend if I bring up her child's behaviour, but I think a kid needs to be told when they are out of line.

Thoughts?

It would be different if it were (say) your nephew, i.e. someone your DS would have to be in contact with a lot in the future, but this is someone he really doesn't have a close relationship with any more.

Even if you do decide to bring it up (which you probably shouldn't) I don't think an email is the best way to do it.

Sleep on it

And leave this kid off the guest list for any future events/parties etc.

I think your duty about bad behaviour was to call it out at the party- and you did that. You don't have any duty to rear this child. If the mother is a decent sort as you describe, she will spot any bad behaviour in her son eventually and will deal with him.

honestly I wouldn't send anything in writing to the mother. I doubt if I would even speak to her about it (but definitely talk to her rather than texting/emailing). Drop the kid and if she asks why your son doesn't see him anymore then tell her honestly that her son wasn't nice at the birthday party.

We have friends we love. we met them when their dd and ours became friends. Our dds are no longer close for a mixture of reasons although our younger daughter gets on great with theirs still. Last time we were over for dinner their dd (age 15 and tiny) said to my dd (age 15 and gained weight because she is on medication and is very self-conscious about it) "putting on a little weight here aren't we?" DD held it together, whispered to me could we leave early rather than late and told us later.

I would have achieved exactly nothing if I told my friend about this. She would have been horrified, apologetic and defensive of her dd. It wouldn't have changed what happened and nothing she could do would make my dd feel comfortable spending time with this girl. they will have to work it out for themselves.

If she challenged her daughter, the dd would have denied/been under pressure etc. no point. we have minimised contact for now. nt sure if they've noticed-maybe they have. I've remained friends with the parents. the other girl was going through her own troubles as it turns out.

He's 11 you say? Going to 'big school' in September?

This friendship will die a death then anyway as will probably your connection to his mother esp if they go to different high schools.

To be honest, I'd probably risk the friendship with this mum if what he said WAS that bad

Kids can be so cruel. How well do you know this friend? Has she ever received confrontational texts or mails or been confronted by other parents before, how did she take it? What does she say about her dh/partner or her/partners family? Is she an upbeat positive or a negative person? Most people are good at dishing the shit and poor at taking it. I am very open and honest about children's behaviour and wouldn't get upset unless the parent was undiplomatic and personal. They're just kids and can be really nasty at times. I've had experience like this where as a matter of courtesy I let the mum know I'd told a teacher DD (then 5 yrs old) was being hurt by her child during a certain lesson. I was very diplomatic and told her it wasn't to get her DD in trouble with her parents but as a matter of courtesy to the mum as I didn't like going behind her back. DD has never been asked on a play date since then - coming up 3 years. Girls are best buddies. I was surprised and hurt by this reaction as I just don't operate like that. I now think the majority of people do. So if you really do want to let the mum know, firstly I would leave it until you are calm and secondly there may be consequences. Are you willing to potentially forego you friendship for this? Or is it easier to do what Hedda said? Either way is fine as long as your ds is protected in the future. Do you need to let the parents of the other boy who felt he was being bullied know about what happened so that she too can protect her DS?
I don't agree with a previous poster who said you can't talk to another child in your care about their behaviour. The child is in your care and as such it may be necessary to do so to protect the child or others. Should the parents not accept this they should not relinquish this responsibility in the first place.

I would want to know if my child had behaved badly in someone else's house or party venue when they were invited there as a guest.

If this boy dislikes your son so much he should have declined the invitation, not taken it as an opportunity to bully and belittle.

I'm amazed the comments assumption is most parents wouldn't care. My kids are an extention of me and I'd expect the to bloody behave themselves!

I would want to know as I think often kids are just not very good at friendships at that age, and if my DC behaved like that at a party I would want to chat to them about it- whether it's explaining the thin line between good natured teasing and belittling/ bullying or basically just to find out why they were like that (jealousy that they're being sidelined??). I wouldn't be excusing my DC's behaviour but I'd want to find out why they felt it was appropriate to behave like that. I may be in the minority though.

I would wait til you see his mum again in the normal run of things (rather than instigate a meeting or phone call for the purpose of speaking to her about what's happened) and then drop into conversation that you've noticed the two boys' friendship has deteriorated with maybe a couple of examples of what you witnessed today, I would also mention the sexual talk you overheard. That would give her the opportunity to tackle her DS's behaviour without feeling overly criticised or defensive about what you've said and also make her aware of the sexual talk. It would also provide a reason why her DS doesn't get invited to future events if you've already pointed out that the boys' relationship is no longer friendly. Tricky one OP, well done for not sending the email tonight while you were still upset, a casual conversation next time you bump into her is less likely to damage your friendship with her and it doesn't sound like you want to do that.

Definitely sleep on it.

I am on the fence over what you should actually say to your friend, if anything.

That said, I would want to know if one of mine had behaved badly like that. I tend to think face to face and as non-confrontational as possible, not email or text. Keep it low key.

Accept too that the friendship between the two boys has probably run its course and they could well just drift apart from now onwards. No need to keep inviting to parties just because you know the mum.

You could just tell her that they were a lot less close this year and appear cooler towards each other. See where that leads.

Like Fern said though, I wouldn't arrange a specific meeting. That would look and probably feel like you were wanting to tell her how to parent her child and would get her on the defensive.

I would talk to your friend about the sexualised conversations. He is 11 ffs, he needs a clip round the ear & a chat about respectful behaviour.

Also, is there a reason why you didn't get this bully removed from your son's party? If some kid wreaked my daughter's day, their parents would be called & told to come get them!

but don't we have a duty to call out bad behaviour when we see it? Yes, especially, imo when it involves the type of things he was saying about girls

I know it makes me sound a little hippyish, but I think it is more responsible to say something when a child is behaving in a really anti-social way than it is to ignore it. I agree with you. I found out something concerning about my dd's friend, spoke to her mum who thanked me as she was able to start a dialogue with her daughter who, it turns out, is deeply unhappy. She was then able to get her daughter help.

I am not saying this boy is deeply unhappy, but I wouldn't be able to let sexualised talk go like that...

I totally agree with differentnameforthis.

I would want to know if my child behaved badly at a party.

I would not dismiss a friend (or anyone else) who said that my child had behaved badly. I would investigate and see if the attitudes and behaviour were real and would address this.

The idea you should bury your head in the sand and say nothing because your friend won't believe you or it doesn't matter is (IMHO) part of the kind of attitude that allows all kinds of things to go on because we just think it is not worth making a fuss about it.

I think your friend deserves to know.

Your son, will hopefully move away from this child, and hopefully their friendship will die away anyway.

Why boys are becoming more sexualised may be for a lot of reasons. This article makes very grim reading and there are two threads on mumsnet about this article. One in chat and one in feminism. Yes it is talking about 15 year olds in the title but many younger kids may be involved too.

fightthenewdrug.org/sex-before-kissing-15-year-old-girls-dealing-with-boys/

Please do sleep on it, please do tell your friend, face to face, phone or email, whatever you prefer.

The idea you should bury your head in the sand and say nothing because your friend won't believe you or it doesn't matter is (IMHO) part of the kind of attitude that allows all kinds of things to go on because we just think it is not worth making a fuss about it.

Exactly! We NEED to fight attitudes like this.

I can't even believe I'm saying this but, I'd not bother talking about it. Especially if it is true that they will be off to different schools next year.

I am normally one who jumps at injustices like these but I'm learning to approach things differently. I can't always try to save the world. If you say something, your friendship will be tainted, why spoil a peaceful situation for yourself. If this woman doesn't know her son is this way by now, then is this a woman who will take kindly to your friendly interference? She may, I'm just very aware that mothers tend to jump to the defense of their child more often than not.

Also, if your son and this boy patch things up (as kids, especially boys, do) and things hadn't gone so rosy when you told his friends mum that he was a rude little @&#%, it may not be pleasant for all involved.

I'd personally just get it off my chest to my actual friends and family, and without naming names, start discussions with DS surrounding bullying, self-esteem, and (this is where I would perhaps mention to my son that I'd overheard them) use this as a pre cursor to the infamous 'sex talk'...

I do wish you the best of luck if you do talk to the mother. It's the right thing to do, for the greater good, but may be the one option that brings you the most stress.

but there was also some really unpleasant sexualised conversation relating girls in their class which had me gobsmacked You don't think this is worth tackling then?

She is your friend and you may already have an idea of how she reacts to criticism, I would go by that. It sounds like your son and this boy is not going to an issue in the future, so I would address it from the point of view of the wellbeing her son. Because, as others have already mentioned, some of us would like to know if our children behave badly as we are responsible for trying to bring them up to be decent human beings.

I would want to know if my kid was being like that. Not many are. The truth is some kids have a great parenting but they have a mean streak in them. They just learn to hide it at some point. The best parenting can't disguise an ugly streak in a temperament. The mother may already know her kid can be mean as it will co.e out at home. Truth is so.e kids are meaner than others. Just be grateful yours us is not one of them.

Step away from an email!
I once had some advice which was:
Bad news must always be delivered in person.
Never send anything in an email that you cant say in person. It won't get the response you are seeking.

I tend to agree with the others. Let it go. If you are seriously concerned about the sexualised stuff, then bring that up delicately with her so she will be aware.
Dont forget it wont be easy for her to hear, or to deal with, boys of this age are pulling away from the influence of their mums. It does sound from what youre saying that he is not that happy and needs some help somewhere. But couch it like that. Especially as you say your son is not bothered, and they dont see each other that much.

I would want to know to stop behaviour escalating, as it may well if everyone turns a blind eye. She'll be left wondering why her son doesn't seem to be welcome at more and more events.

I'm much better at giving advice than following my own and if as bad as you describe, may well have asked called the mother and explained why she needed to collect her boy immediately.

If people suggesting that "she'll hate you for it" are correct then it's a sad reflection on society.

I think telling her face to face is for the best.

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I would be fuming too but I agree wait til tomorrow. speak with your DS about how he feels about this boy's behaviour to check that he is ok and understands that how the boy behaved is not ok. Check that he is confident about how to handle this in a way that he is comfortable with if people treat him like this in future. I also agree with you don't ignore this behaviour, but don't email or approach your friend in a confrontational way. Approach the issue from concern about whether her son is ok coz you noticed him saying x and doing y. Do this in a way that if she is also concerned about her son's behaviour she can confide in you as an ally rather than someone else who is also having a go... Hope this makes sense and it sounds like your son is ok and his instincts are in good shape by moving away from this friendship . Glad he had "the best birthday ever", good luck.

I wouldn't say anything to the mum in the heat of the moment, and when I did I would do it in a way that conveyed concern that all was ok with this boy.

I would let the school know as soon as possible about what happened. The sexualised conversation abut girls in the class and the fact that other children felt bullied would be very worrying, to me.

I would have a word with the Mum but make it more general. Something like could she have a word with her son because you noticed him being unkind and sometimes nasty to 2 or 3 other boys at the party and that one boy had complained about him. And that you are worried that he may get into trouble for it.

I do think you should say something. It's a bit different to the "I know my friends husband is cheating should I say something?" Where everyone says "not your place" this is a child, who's behaviour is horrible and worrying.
Okay so your friendship may suffer with his mum but she's not family so if it does, it does. You move on.id speak to her f2f though and start from a position of caring concern I.e. Is everything okay with your little brat x as I noticed he wasn't getting on with my son at his party and he was quite vocal in his unhappiness in their friendship, I just wondered if they'd had a big falling out or there's anything I should know about?

It gives her chance to say no and ask why and what was x saying / doing? At which point you can tell her about the digs and comments etc and that another boy was unhappy as well (keep it short and factual). And that you had to ask him to stop talking about the girls in the sexualised way then finish on a caring comment again.

She may keep her distance after that but at least she knows. It's better if she can deal with his behaviour at 11 than try at 16

Can't believe how many "don't rock the boat!" there are on this thread

Yes I would speak to the mum, it may up set the status quo, it may not too.

If it's never raised though, by anyone ever, how will there ever be a possibility of change?

I'll also go against the grain, and say an email is OK. Not in the heat of the moment like last night. But as you have already said you feel like you can articulate yourself better.

It gives food for thought to the other parent. It gives them time to read in privacy any embarrassment, flash anger wouldn't be on display. They can mull it over in their own time.

they can contact you if they want, sweep it under the carpet, they could turn out their Ogg on you rather than deal with their DC.

But until it done no one will know.

Glad you decided to sleep on it.

I would want to know if my boy had behaved like that. Mimi's wording sounds balanced and fair and I think I'd be more open to it phrased like that.

Hope your son enjoyed his birthday and his smart phone.

Hope you feel better this morning.

I totally agree that this could ruin your friendship. I assume the children are year 6? It's very normal for their to be a lot of tension around this age and then they all move to secondary school, have more people to chose friendship from and make a closer friendship set.

Yiu called the boy on his behavior, it's not been ignored. The fact you'll never invite him again and it's likely neither will any body else there - there will be consequences.

As children move on they start to naturally exclude those that ruin the group dynamic automatically - there's much less "just play nicely altogether" in secondary because it's a totally different environment.