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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at FIL for feeding my daughter meat?

443 replies

Fruitypebbles · 09/04/2016 13:40

Hi, just joined the site to ask this.

We're vegans, and my daughter has been raised and weaned vegan. She's 5 and happily eats anything put in front of her. She's very healthy, not lacking in any vitamins or nutrients at all and is beautiful, happy and refuses to eat meat usually because she knows in child friendly terms why we are vegans.

Despite her health being perfectly fine (she rarely ever gets ill, let alone any deficiencies in iron and protein - there's plenty of protein in plants!) my FIL thinks we're evil. We've given him all the information, shown him exactly how much she gets in a normal day and he can see how healthy she is. He fed her a meat casserole, she obviously couldn't recognise the meat in the stew because we use meat subs occasionally. She was very, very sick after this as her body can't digest meat after never eating it. Why can't he just respect our choices to not eat animal products? AIBU?

OP posts:
Arkhamasylum · 09/04/2016 14:35

Well, if choice is the issue, the FIL giving his granddaughter meat AND NOT TELLING HER isn't helping, is it? If the little girl had asked to try it, that might have been a different story (although still not great).

I would be furious, OP, and I'm neither vegetarian nor vegan. It's not so much about food as it is about respecting your rules for your child. Other people might not agree with these rules, but they don't have to.

What if she had an allergy?

EweAreHere · 09/04/2016 14:37

Watching, I have been nothing but polite and admitted up front I didn't know 'why' altering diets to include meat after years of no meat doesn't work for some people. Why would I know the reason? I've never altered my own diet in this manner.

I've also been clear in my support for OP in regards to her FIL's behaviour. It was outrageous. He was completely out of order.

I'm entitled to my opinion, I've been clear on what I have witnessed with others and that I don't actually know much about the science of it, and you are in no position to suggest I should 'go' now. You can ignore me if you don't like my thoughts on the subject matter.

meridithssister · 09/04/2016 14:37

I'm a meat eater but I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset and I think I would send food with her in future if he isn't going to respect your choices.

ghostyslovesheep · 09/04/2016 14:41

YANBU at all OP I'd be livid

You daughter is well looked after and loved so ignore the people looking for a fight x

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 09/04/2016 14:41

I'd be fucking furious. My DS is vegetarian and any cunt deliberately giving him meat without telling him would be persona non grata.

Lakiey · 09/04/2016 14:57

Well I'm sure her FIL didn't give his granddaughter meat to be spiteful he was probably just concerned about the impacts of a vegan diet, there is a lot of things a vegan diet can not cover just because someone looks fine doesn't mean they are fine.

AntiHop · 09/04/2016 15:04

Yanbu. We're vegetarian and we're raising our dd vegetarian. I'd be furious if someone fed her meat.

fascicle · 09/04/2016 15:06

Lakely
he was probably just concerned about the impacts of a vegan diet

But the OP has already said:

We've given him all the information, shown him exactly how much she gets in a normal day and he can see how healthy she is.

Huge breach of trust, which ironically has resulted in OP's daughter becoming ill, rather than better nourished (if that was truly the FIL's concern).

Bogeyface · 09/04/2016 15:06

Lakey I disagree. I suspect that its more that he was trying to prove a point that she had eaten meat and enjoyed it, so "proving" that the OP is wrong to force her child to be vegan.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 09/04/2016 15:09

he was probably just concerned about the impacts of a vegan diet

Yeah he probably was, but so what? That's not his decision. If my grandchild wasn't vaccinated against mmr I'd be worried and disagree with the decision, but I wouldn't take it upon myself to vaccinate them. The parents are raising their child the way they choose, they aren't harming her, so nobody else gets to contradict that.

Zwellers · 09/04/2016 15:09

Agreed your fil was out of order. Op hope u don't mind me asking but if you're daughter asks to try meat or dairy when she older would you let her?. And what about school dinners parties etc. Do you worry she is going to be left out/ teased because of this. (Personally I think it's wrong to force a child to be vegan just because you are- but I'm not the parent)

FaFoutis · 09/04/2016 15:20

Bogeyface as a vegetarian child myself that is the most common response I got from adults. Always a measure of spite in there.

Janecc · 09/04/2016 15:24

I wouldnt agree with bringing up my child vegan even if DH were vegan. However we are not talking about my child. It was totally unreasonable to feed a vegan child meat and the gut reaction is not surprising as her stomach has likely not developed meat processing enzymes. I expect the grandfather did not appreciate the severity of his actions. Once you have calmed down op I think your FIL needs some education. And an apology is very much in order.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 09/04/2016 15:29

There is a lot of things a vegan diet can not cover just because someone looks fine doesn't mean they are fine

Your ignorance is showing. The only thing an unprocessed vegan diet is missing is B12 and possibly K2. A vegan child probably has a far healthier diet than many omni children.

OP your FiL is being totally unreasonable, and obviously cannot be trusted with her care.

UmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2016 15:34

I think you're both unreasonable but I wouldn't be leaving my child with him again.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2016 15:35

I agree your FIL was out of order because he fed her meat without telling her or asking you. She is only 5, but there might come a time when she does want to try and eat meat. I would not allow them to care for dd until she is old enough to ask what is in the food, and make her own decisions.

betsyderek · 09/04/2016 15:37

I know this isn't the point but the OP just sounds so nice. Flowers

MrsLupo · 09/04/2016 15:38

Very disrespectful and also unwise, as you found. I'm a (somewhat ambivalent) meat eater but have no problem with your choices on behalf of your daughter. I'd echo pp's caveats about vit B12, though. FIL needs a proper talking to in my view.

GabiSolis · 09/04/2016 15:40

Lakiey you are woefully ill informed at best. It's a bad idea to be so ignorant when you are professing so publicly.

biscotti2016 · 09/04/2016 15:50

Whilst your FIL was wrong to feed your child a meal with meat, if he'd been eating it himself and your DC had asked to try some, I think that would be a different matter.

I was a non meat eater for about 6-7 years (due to not really liking the taste of meat at that time) but I do think being a vegan is a pretty depressing way to live, let alone bringing a child up as one.

What will you do when she starts going to parties? I have thrown many a party for my DC, none of the food there would have been vegan friendly (containing eggs, butter, cheese etc) - what will she eat then, or will you send her with her own food? Or when sweets are shared out at school etc.

Shelby2010 · 09/04/2016 15:50

MIL must have been in on it too, unless she had been left in FIL's sole care.

Was she sick whilst she was with them?

I would be very angry with FIL (& MIL if she was complicit) and wouldn't be trusting them with my child for a very long time. And all FIL has done is teach your DD that not only is meat unethical but it makes her sick too - kind of shot himself in the foot there!

ghostyslovesheep · 09/04/2016 15:54

oh I don't know - I make the most fantastic - fully vegan - crunchy chocolate, pineapple and rum cake - that's not depressing at all

Aeroflotgirl · 09/04/2016 15:57

Isent there a blog or website called the unhealthy vegan? Full of really yummy vegan recipes?

ghostyslovesheep · 09/04/2016 15:58

I really want there to be !

cariadlet · 09/04/2016 16:01

YANBU

Your FIL showed a total lack of respect regarding your parenting decisions and your ethical beliefs.

There's nothing wrong with bringing up a child as vegan. You might be making some decisions for them - but that's what parents do when they give children meat, take them to church, bringing them up as atheists or make pretty much any parenting decision.

My dd is now 13 and was brought up as a vegan from birth. As a toddler and young child she had packed lunches for Nursery or School, and took her own party food to parties so that she didn't miss out on having cake etc. She was happy with that and nobody else (relatives, friends' parents etc) had a problem with it.

When she was 7 we had a chat about if she wanted to carry on being a vegan or to become a veggie or a meat eater. I told her that we'd still eat vegan at home, but she was old enough to decide what she wanted to be and that she could eat whatever she wanted when eating at school, friends' houses etc.

She decided to be a vegetarian and has stuck with that choice. Her body has had no problem adjusting. If I had my time again, there's plenty of things I'd do differently re my parenting, but bringing up my dd as vegan is most definitely not one of them.