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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if there is any compromise when parents disagree on smacking?

296 replies

Waitrosesaysimessential · 08/04/2016 18:59

Dh and I disagree on smacking - he is for it, I think it is pointless, and that there are better ways of managing behaviour. We have three under 5 and it is getting me down as we continually argue about it. We were both smacked as kids, and tbh I thought nothing of it until i had my own. I have had the urge to smack at times but restrained as i think it is quite cruel. I also dont understand how it is ok for me to smack my small child, while if i smacked an adult it would be assault! My dh says there is no evidence of harm, and says yelling is more harmful.

How do we compromise on this issue? He is adament our kids would behave better if i smacked them, instead of the current system of star chart and sent to room for bad behaviour. He has smacked our kids, never much but i find it horrible. I also feel it is kind of lazy, like he cannot be bothered to think of another punishment. His parents are all for smacking, and his ds did it to her own. My friends are all against, they see it as quite outdated and pointless.

Any ideas would be welcome as it is really putting a strain on us, despite years of discussion. Thank you

OP posts:
BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 22:55

Ok fine, feel sad for my kids.

It's a real wasted emotion though. You'd be better off feeling sad for some other, more hard done to sector of society.

Believeitornot · 08/04/2016 22:57

Why? The sadness will pass once I've closed this thread.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/04/2016 22:57

I do know my stepdad had a thyroid condition and had it or part of it removed - moods?

I also know he put away a bottle of half of wine an evening then occasionally would fly into rages but my mum always "sorted these out". He did say to her recently he thought he was too young to be a stepdad as he met my mum in mid 20s and she's 10 years older.

I do feel smacking sometimes is a vent for frustration and also sometimes cruelty in my stepdads case, he locked us in our rooms and in the basement of a flat. Fine maybe only our real dad (who only slapped his daughter once, never the other kids, my half siblings) had left when I was 4 and it traumatised me, so much so I had abandonment issues.

My stepdad has mellowed a lot now since he's retired at 60 and I sort of forgive him for the behaviour the smacking goes further sometimes as to why it's done and the cruelty reasons for it, eg he would never hit the dog, so why us kids?

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 22:57

I would apologise after smacking or shouting, certainly.

But I don't claim I never do it.

Like I say, different circumstances probably make it easier or harder to be more or less in control, more or less of the time.

Believeitornot · 08/04/2016 22:59

You may never not do it. Doesn't meant other people do.

MrsJayy · 08/04/2016 22:59

I used to be really impatient frustrated and shouty i was a nightmare to my shame i would rage I did have depression and anxiety but once i was better and calmed the hell down my children behaved better if we are shouting the kids are hyped up so we shout its a cycle ime

SuperFlyHigh · 08/04/2016 22:59

It does also when someone says they love you (as stepdad said to us) and played with us...

But I now know that because the smacking happened out of sight and sound of my mum that he had control and was using it to terrorise us, I had nightmares of him climbing through our toilet window (outside lean to type) yet this was waved away as "nightmare". I wonder why eh??

Believeitornot · 08/04/2016 23:00

You should realise, you control your reactions to your children's behaviour. You may deny it but you do.

Which is why you don't smack people who annoy you - only your children....

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 23:01

Calling a one off smack abuse is an affront to all the dead kids who've been in the news who have been abused.

Save the rage. Use it productively.

Believeitornot · 08/04/2016 23:03

Who used the word abide? Assuming it isn't me!

GraysAnalogy · 08/04/2016 23:03

Anyone who hits a child is an abuser. End of.

But it's not end of. I've never hit a child, and I don't think I ever will. But I was not abused as a child, this is how I feel (and no I'm not 'sympathising with my abuser' or any crap like that) and the law states I was not abused.

I was not scared of getting hit. Not at all because it wasn't hard. I was scared of the fact that I'd pushed my mother to the point she had drew out the last method in her parenting arsenal, one that she was loath to do. I knew I'd seriously fucked up.

You'll get parents who say they never shouted, and they'll think because they never had to it means their methods were the best and that everyone should adopt them. Not realsiing children are different.

You'll get parents who say they never had to smack, and they'll think because they never had to means their methods """""

You'll get parents who didn't have to discipline much and their kids are well behaved

You'll also get parents who's kids would have benefited from more discipline and you end up with parents at the end of their tether who now have large teenage kids who they cannot control. Who sometimes they're scared of.

On the other end, you'll also get parents whos go to method is a slap and I think that's wrong. It's also counter productive because if the child gets hit every time they do something wrong it's hardly the last line punishment and something they start beginning to accept as part of life - that to me is abuse.

I know my views are controversial, and I know that many many people disagree and I won't argue their points because they're valid. Until they say that it's abuse 'end of'.

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 23:03

Funnily enough only my kids have the ability to push me to the edge of reason and then tip me happily over the precipice. Usually with a smile on their faces.

The fact that it's fucking relentless probably has something to do with it.

If an adult annoys me I can usually walk away. The kids follow you. It's highly irritating.

Believeitornot · 08/04/2016 23:03

Abuse not abide!

Believeitornot · 08/04/2016 23:04

I tell my Children I am getting annoyed and I'm walking away. Works pretty well.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/04/2016 23:04

Interesting Beliveitornot only in my stepdads case he was generally at loner at work etc... Had no idea what happened outside work.

One day though we were early teens, he came back with a bruised face and shame... He didn't want to go to the police. He'd cut up another driver ranted and raved at him then the other driver whacked him. Not saying that was right at all but I remember him being shook up over it. Served him right. And when me and my brother were older teens we had stand up arguments (before we left home) where violence was occasionally threatened and suddenly he saw not only could we shout back (which we didn't as kids) and say awful things but could also fight back too - never did fight back but could've done.

pearlylum · 08/04/2016 23:05

"Like I say, different circumstances probably make it easier or harder to be more or less in control, more or less of the time."

But Blenheim I assume you can control yourself in other situations- you wouldn't shout at or hit your boss or your GP or the woman in front of you in a supermarket presumably.
So you can control your anger sometimes?

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 23:05

Doreen Anyone who hits a child is an abuser. End of.

Although I try not to make a habit of engaging with anyone who says "End of". It's just a personal foible of mine.

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 23:06

I have answered that point up thread pearly

FelicityFunknickle · 08/04/2016 23:06

There is no compromise imo.
Your dh is wrong.

pearlylum · 08/04/2016 23:07

BlenheimBouquet so your children are responsible for your feelings and actions?

Hmm
Believeitornot · 08/04/2016 23:07

That's sad SuperFlyHigh :(

Shouting and hitting don't get you anywhere I see it as my aim to teach my children to be decent human beings. Yes sometimes we fail but there are clear red lines and we aim not to cross them. For me they are violence and aggression.

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 23:07

You'll have to elaborate pearly

pearlylum · 08/04/2016 23:08

blenheim you are aware that you have a choice in your response don't you.

You don't have to lose your rag or shout or hit.

pearlylum · 08/04/2016 23:10

blenheim it just sounds like you are blaming your kids for pushing you to behave this way. - Slap- look what you made me do.
Dangerous territory.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/04/2016 23:13

Believeitornot yes I wonder why I suffered from anxiety and had counselling as a teen (not just from stepdad) I just wonder with my mum how she didn't notice or why she put up with the occasional (but they still happened) rages from my stepdad.

He was unhappy on and off in his work but it wasn't terrible (abroad a bit so he took time off).

Strange to say I don't dislike or even feel resentful now, just if he some times says when I go over strange comments (sarcasm) or things about moods and controlling them I sort of feel "yeah well you could not do that could you".

It was me being slapped round the face by him and being found out by my mum (was in her earshot/view) that made me think, "you tosser" eg he was made to apologise and felt guilty because he was found out, the other times he got away with it scot free and of course we were kids you don't tell do you?! We weren't even that naughty!

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