To wonder if there is any compromise when parents disagree on smacking?

[Waitrosesaysimessential]

Dh and I disagree on smacking - he is for it, I think it is pointless, and that there are better ways of managing behaviour. We have three under 5 and it is getting me down as we continually argue about it. We were both smacked as kids, and tbh I thought nothing of it until i had my own. I have had the urge to smack at times but restrained as i think it is quite cruel. I also dont understand how it is ok for me to smack my small child, while if i smacked an adult it would be assault! My dh says there is no evidence of harm, and says yelling is more harmful.

How do we compromise on this issue? He is adament our kids would behave better if i smacked them, instead of the current system of star chart and sent to room for bad behaviour. He has smacked our kids, never much but i find it horrible. I also feel it is kind of lazy, like he cannot be bothered to think of another punishment. His parents are all for smacking, and his ds did it to her own. My friends are all against, they see it as quite outdated and pointless.

Any ideas would be welcome as it is really putting a strain on us, despite years of discussion. Thank you

Not really.

They behave badly, get asked to stop, carry on, get asked to stop, carry on &c &c....

Usually coinciding with a shitty day at work, some other outside factor which impinges on my ability to deal with kids being difficult

Add in tiredness or PMT aaaaaaaand......

SNAP!

Mummy has shouted or occasionally smacked on the hand.

Crying.

Everyone calms down.

Mummy apologises.

Calm is (temporarily) restored.

My kids often affect my emotions - happy/proud/cross.

If daddy was around would I chuck them at him and say "you fucking deal with it!"

Probably

If grandma and grandad lived down the road would I grit my teeth and think "staying at grannies' tomorrow, just live through one more bath time"

Probably

But they aren't and they don't so sometimes mummy gets tipped off the edge.

No biggie.

Oh and well done Believeit at Least you see the red lines and aim not to cross them. like I said to another poster it is fine to get angry sometimes or be moody, kids to test boundaries etc adults are adults with all the stresses of adult life but I believe myself it is poor parenting to just lash out.

Talking or other methods have been proven to work just as well.

BlenheimBouquet

Sorry but I'm on the 'smacking as a last resort' side and even I think you're being utterly silly.

You DO NOT allow your emotions to come into it.

You are then hitting them because you are receiving positive feedback mentally from it.

Smacking would be a deal breaker for me too.

When DS was small, he played up sometimes as they do and twice I smacked him out of my losing control (one time he was kicking me in the belly on the changing table, he was a toddler not a baby). It made me feel awful. DH seemed to take that as a licence that it was ok to smack as a punishment. When I realised he had smacked a few times I said to him that we are not using that as a punishment and neither of us did it again. It is a loss of control on the adults part. I felt awful after doing it.

I don't equate shouting to smacking. It's a rare parent who doesn't shout. I do shout far far more than I'd like to. Unfortunately I have learnt that sometimes it's the only way the DCs do as they are told! They seem to ignore and faff when they are asked nicely, then firmly to do something. When they get shouted at they seem to do it. It's so frustrating and I have had many conversations with them about it. They are also very loud and DS has this awful habit of talking over you when it's something he doesn't want to hear. Shouting over them can be the only thing that works.

"Mummy apologises."

If this is system that suits you well then why do you apologise?

Believeitornot - walking away can trigger abandonment issues and leave a child feeling little self-worth. It is not the prime response.

Blenheim not read all your responses but doesn't sound really something to worry about in your case, normal life.

Ok we'd love to have less PMT etc but we don't.

I think smacking from cold hard practicality is far worse than smacking because you've lost your cool.

That's just weird.

So yes, when you act less than 100% you apologise. I'm modelling that parents aren't perfect, people make mistakes, and when you do you fess up and apologise. I don't need my kids to see me as some kind of superwoman who never puts a foot wrong it would be a fools errand

grays I still struggle to see how a parent receives positive feedback from smacking a child using the emotions side.

If I have ever lost control (I'm not a parent) I feel bad about it, or if I've been cruel. My friends who did smack felt bad about it afterwards (especially as one stupid mother was constantly blaming her DD and it was something she hadn't actually done...) they told me so.

What will happen when they are teens and bigger than you? They might lose their rag when you hit. They might hit back. It'll be ok though, they'll apologize and peace will be restored, no?

super

It seems to me that it's being used as an outlet for frustration rather than as a method of parenting. The apologies after that make it even worse. 'sorry mummy lost her rag'

and blenheim
I think smacking from cold hard practicality is far worse than smacking because you've lost your cool
when you lose your cool it is hard to control your actions. You are doing it as a result of anger and frustration rather than, as I said above, a method of parenting.

It's no wonder people think smacking should be banned.

I have quite a bit of experience with teens actually.

I hiss.

Seems to work.

Grays I think that's a fair point - when you've really lost it you might find it hard to control how hard you smack etc, might go overboard.

I think that's a fair criticism. All I can say is I'm aware of it and so far have simply smacked a single time on the hand. I can live with that. I mean, it stings, yes. If it didn't hurt a bit there'd be no point, obviously.

WonderingAspie

Smacking would be a deal breaker for me too...When DS was small, he played up sometimes as they do and twice I smacked him out of my losing control

So, if your husband did it you would leave him (I assume that's what dealbreaker alludes to), yet you smacked your toddler?

I wonder where the mass hypocrisy and general attitude of people here (aibu) comes from.

"I'd kick him out of the house" "LTB" "Would be a dealbreaker"

How would you all feel should similar conversations be happening on dadsnet?

___

I was smacked very occasionally and it worked. My parents are wonderful and the idea of them abusing me is a really strange one. I frequently see children being rude and think "your parents need to smack your arse".

OP you'd be better off getting your DH on the same wavelength as you. If you LTB you couldn't just insist on 'supervised access' anyway, it doesn't work like that. Good idea to seek out a parenting course to do together?

I was hit as a child and I am 100% against any kind of smacking. Luckily so is DH.

It has been made very clear to both sets of parents how we feel about hitting children - even "just a tap on the hand" and what the consequences would be should it happen (there has been since smacking of other grandchildren). I have also been very clear that under no circumstances should threats of physical violence be made to our children.

The consequences are that they would no longer see the DC. Ever again.

No advice for you on compromise - I'm not sure that there is one. Agree with pps though that maybe there is a parenting course or something your DP could attend to help him explore alternatives and make since different choices when it comes to discipline.

When you say comprimise, you mean 'how can I get him to change his mind?' and you can't. The only thing you can do is to lead by example, if he sees your techniques being more effective, he might adopt them but lecturing him will just put him on the defensive and his position will become more entrenched.

I personally don't agree with smacking but have done it in the past out of frustration. However, I don't agree that smacking equtes to sadism and nearly everyone I know was smacked as a child and the vast majority (myself included), appear not to have suffered any ill effects. In my case emotional neglect had a far greater impact on me.

Annoyingly lost my post!

Super, I think that's no surprise you've suffered anxiety as you've been at the receiving end of a sneaky bully quite frankly.

To the poster who mentioned abandonment issues - when I walk away I warn them I'm taking a quick time out to calm down because I'm annoyed and step outside the room. Then come back calmer and try and resolve. Much better than when I end up shouting out of frustration when the DCs haven't actually done anything that bad (a bit like Blenheim's scenario of losing ones cool without the smacking). I explain what I'm going to do and that I'll be back. I don't do it often.
There are times when I shout and I know it's my fault for not staying calm. I don't do it at work when I'm majorly pissed off (I have a very stressful job) so I should be able to stay calmer at home but as Blenheim's saying the kids do push buttons. However they don't push my buttons so much that I smack them so it is controllable.

Super I find your posts really sad and a bit disturbing. I hope I'm not speaking out of line when I say I feel that you are minimising because the enormity of facing up to the fact you leaved with a violent bully who your mum didn't adequately protect you from is too daunting. I'm sure he has 'mellowed' now that he's an old man but the damage was done. And as you saywhen you were old enough to shout back and he could see you were too big to physically control he stopped his 'discipline'. Classic bully. What was your mum thinking bringing a guy ten years younger into a home with four kids who he couldn't cope with?

I'm anti smacking as I said in the first post on this thread. For all the reasons everyone else has identified.

BUT 'any parent who smacks is an abuser' - NO! Parents do have lapses in judgement, they are flawed, they are human and it really can be a one-off or even occasional mistake without it being abuse. However this is exactly why smacking should be banned because there is way too much grey area. Best to completely take it off the table.

I do agree with Blenheim to a point that parents do simply fuck up sometimes, having kids is utterly relentless and that sometimes we can't justify what we do. But if we don't aspire to be better parents and plan better methods of control and discipline after we've fucked up, then we are doing a poor job. We can't just shrug and say 'oh well I'm human' if the fuck ups are potentially negatively affecting our childrens' welfare!

lived not leaved

Although I try not to make a habit of engaging with anyone who says "End of". It's just a personal foible of mine.

End of usually means the END of the engagement love. HTH.

Surely some posters can't think it's as easy as LTB and give him supervised access?

That would never happen in a month of Sundays. In fact, do I really need to point out that once you've left them you have NO control over what they do whatsoever? So you can expect smacking and then some (think he'd cope well on his own all weekend/50% of the time? Nope).

I can only assume people who bandy about LTB have never actually left TB. Newsflash - you don't just pack a few bits one morning and sail off into the sunset. LTB is the start of your problems, not the end.