To wonder if there is any compromise when parents disagree on smacking?

[Waitrosesaysimessential]

Dh and I disagree on smacking - he is for it, I think it is pointless, and that there are better ways of managing behaviour. We have three under 5 and it is getting me down as we continually argue about it. We were both smacked as kids, and tbh I thought nothing of it until i had my own. I have had the urge to smack at times but restrained as i think it is quite cruel. I also dont understand how it is ok for me to smack my small child, while if i smacked an adult it would be assault! My dh says there is no evidence of harm, and says yelling is more harmful.

How do we compromise on this issue? He is adament our kids would behave better if i smacked them, instead of the current system of star chart and sent to room for bad behaviour. He has smacked our kids, never much but i find it horrible. I also feel it is kind of lazy, like he cannot be bothered to think of another punishment. His parents are all for smacking, and his ds did it to her own. My friends are all against, they see it as quite outdated and pointless.

Any ideas would be welcome as it is really putting a strain on us, despite years of discussion. Thank you

Are you suggesting that we need to choose between two different forms of abuse?
It is possible to parent without shouting or smacking.

Was that to me? Sorry

I agree that smacking is pointless and there are better ways to discipline your kids. I don't think you'll have better behaved kids if you hit them. And kids whose parents smack tend to be less happy than kids whose parents don't smack. I can't get my head around the idea that the only people you actually should hit are the ones who are smaller and more vulnerable than you.

But I also agree with your DH that yelling is probably worse than smacking (at least, the sort of smacking that me and most of my peers grew up with).

I'm not sure how you compromise on the matter though. I don't think you can.

Forgot to add I also think it's extremely ineffective.

When I in my sleep deprived and pnd state ( no excuse I know) smacked dd's hand she just laughed and paid no attention at all.

I apologised immediately and said I was wrong but she really was not interested.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that to actually get a reaction or some sort of result I think you'd have to actively TRY to really physically hurt them and cause them pain.

In which case you really shouldn't be left in charge of a dog let alone a child.

No. I'm another do not smack, and do not let your husband smack. It wouldn't be acceptable for him to hit you, your neighbours, a stranger; it's not acceptable for him to hit your children. I've friends who've tried to discipline by slapping the back of their child's hand albeit quite lightly and it does nothing. Except that those children think it's ok to slap other children or their parents when they are frustrated with them. I understand the being out of control thing. I have a foul temper and really struggle with shouting. It's horrible and something I'm working on. That's not my child's faults it's mine. Maybe your husband needs to work on his anger / frustration too. Much better to stay calm, or as calm as you can. Children respond better and learn how to deal with their own anger / frustration in return. I was smacked quite regularly as a child - it's terrifying and slapped across the face as a teen / early 20s by my mum a handful of times. I love her but there's a fine line she's crossed enough times for me to have lost a lot of respect for her. I wouldn't take it now. Not to mention the therapy it's taken to help deal with it. I couldn't stay with my husband if he did the same to our children.

Never smack a child, ever, for all the reasons above.

No compromise possible. My DH and I were both smacked. He is for, I am against. I made it very clear before we had lots that 're smacking it was my way or the highway.

My mum regrets having smacked us.

Wittgenstein you do realise that having a foul temper and struggling with shouting are sometimes just part of being a parent, if it is extreme etc that's not great but if you do it every now and then well none of us are perfect parents and none of the kids are perfect kids either. We don't all have The Waltons happy lifestyle.

My experience of smacking was my mum hitting me with a sheet once and I think getting spanked once or twice as a kid, when she hit me she actually went to the doctor as she was upset she'd done it and I'd wet the bed.

When my stepdad came along sad to say smacking became regular for my brother and I and we learned to behave. When I asked my mum about this a few years ago she said she'd not known it had happened and we hadn't told her.

One time he slapped me round the face on the stairs - mum saw and all hell broke lose - I'd answered back but was about 8 or 9, I got bought a cuddly toy as an apology and got an apology but it was empty to me.

When my brother was 9 or so he got spanked really hard. My brother was always teasing me and an annoying child but mostly he got away with it... One time my mum was out for the day, brother carried on winding me up, I told my stepdad expecting him to just tell my brother off but he gave my brother the biggest spanking going, worse was our 2 friends were in the next room, shocked to the core. My stepdad I believe lost it but my brother just wouldn't listen. After that day he never teased me again.

What do you do when kids push you to the limit? This was before naughty step etc. and apparently stepdads mum with 4 boys found it hard and smacked them.

If I had kids now I wouldn't spank them. But wouldn't like to be put in the position where I could lose control.

I was smacked as a child and remember it being the only punishment that worked for me and can count on my fingers how often I was smacked. I am 'for' smacking in a controlled manner (as was done for me). My husband is antismacking. I respect this but he has to do the lions share of 'serious' discipline and follow through with any concequences and punishments he sets (and I back him up) as I would do things differently, which he doesn't agree with.

I think the only compromise with smacking is that the 'for' party conforms with the 'against' parties wishes. It's one of those issues where there isn't a middle ground and you can't agree to disagree. So though I agree with smacking in certain circumstances, I will never do it unless DH agrees.

Nope I wouldn't and couldn't compromise on smacking. Fortunately DH and I are similarly inclined.

I smacked DS1 when he was 3 for running out into a road, just once on the arm. I don't think it was even aggression or anger, more fear and terror at what could have happened. I felt like shit for weeks afterwards and still cringe when I think of it. I think that was the turning point when I realised it's something I'm absolutely not happy with (and I know that makes me an even worse parent for having smacked even once).

I can compromise on most aspects of parenting but not this. I've spent 10 years teaching the DCs about kind hands. I've sat at playgroup before and witnessed a Mum shout at the 3 year old and slap his leg because he hit another child. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen; I'm going to smack you to try and teach you not to smack others. How on earth are children supposed to learn anything from that?

I was smacked as a child occasionally and I have occasionally smacked my children. It did not ever make me think that it was okay for me to be violent towards other children and it did not make me fear my parents. It did however make me think long and hard about doing anything naughty that might result in a smack. Once my kids had been smacked once,it became a very effective deterrent as they did not want a repeat. They are now 9, 11 and 13 and it is many years since any of them were smacked. None of them have ever been in trouble for being aggressive to another kid and they are most certainly not afraid of me. Interestingly, I would say that amongst my close friends there is probably a 50/50 split between non smackers and those who do. It always amazes me on MN how that is not reflected but I think some people are afraid to be open about what they feel.
My husbands parents did not smack but they shouted alot and he was quite fearful of them.

Even the word is minimising. As if a slap, hit or spank is fine if a) the victim is extra small and defenseless, b) the perpetrator is somebody supposed to protect not harm the victim and it c) has the cutsey name "smack".

It's violence pure and simple, by a big person on a small one. Say aloud "my dh wants me to punch or slap my DC". Unacceptable? Certainly. Cowardly, ineffective and ugly, too.

I've posted this on here before. I was never smacked as a child, though I do remember a kind of 'aggressive push' that my mother did to me once when I had driven her beyond the end of her tether. Smacking was not on my radar when ds was born, I'd never even considered it. dH had been smacked, and hated it, but thought it was a normal part of parenting. In agreement with me, he said he would not smack ds.

dH has always been very glad he did not smack ds; he didn't find it hard not to smack, seeing it as massive overuse of power from an adult to a child and perhaps explaining some of the fear he STILL has of his dad (even at dh's age of 50). What truly shocked me is how much aggression I felt towards ds when he was tiny. If I'd felt it was OK to smack, I think I could really have hurt him but because I had the absolute barrier in my mind not to smack him, I didn't. I'm very relieved about that.

Oh i smack my kids on the hand occasionally if they're driving me nuts and have been previously expressly warned that it will happen if they don't stop.

It's not massively effective but it's not damaging either.

I'd say if he warns, warns and then smacks on the hand and he finds he's not doing it more than once a month it's probably OK.

"Oh i smack my wife on the hand occasionally if she's driving me nuts and has been previously expressly warned that it will happen if she doesn't stop.

It's not massively effective but it's not damaging either."

My mum smacked me and I still remember the individual incidents and will never forgive her for it. If my husband laid a finger on my kids I would kick him out the house, non negotiable.

I was smacked and more so my brother. Father hit brother so hard he left a very clear hand print bruise shape on the back of brothers leg when he was about 7/8. A few months before that, brother smashed a small window in a door with his fist for fear of being smacked. He ended up in hospital with a few stitches on his hand. Brother and his wife think it's fine to smack their son. Apparently it's has no ill effect on him. Especially as he has both hit/pushed me and threatened to hit me even recently.
My mother threatened to smack my DD. (This is illegal unless the parents have given express permission.) I was fuming obviously. I leave smacking to those, who have not learnt the skills to more effectively discipline their children. I was a very very good child to minimise the risk of being and hid in my room a lot of the time absorbed in the fantasy land of books. It was so scary and undignified and demeaning. Why would a person want to do that to a child they allegedly love?

Happily I don't require approval from random internet strangers

Yes further to my post above. I can't imagine my parents meant for the smacking to escalate into abuse. But it does. Where does so called acceptable smacking stop and unacceptable smacking start? The legal definition is not to leave a mark. I know. I think smacking is all about the parents feeling better. They have pent up rage due to a bunch of unfulfilled expectations on child's behaviour. Whack and it's gone. I'm really riled now. I'd let your DH read the thread.

BlenheimBouquet do you hit many other people in your life? Or just the ones that won't hit back?

The two things are unrelated

Interestingly, I would say that amongst my close friends there is probably a 50/50 split between non smackers and those who do. It always amazes me on MN how that is not reflected but I think some people are afraid to be open about what they feel."

I suspect- and I know it's bad form to bring in knowledge from other threads, but I feel strongly about this one- it's because there are a significant number of Christians who smack because they feel they have Biblical authority so to do.

It's just weaker individuals you hit?

My suggestion is certainly less damaging for the kids than leaving him.

I'm not Christian.

All that stuff about switches is fucked up