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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if there is any compromise when parents disagree on smacking?

296 replies

Waitrosesaysimessential · 08/04/2016 18:59

Dh and I disagree on smacking - he is for it, I think it is pointless, and that there are better ways of managing behaviour. We have three under 5 and it is getting me down as we continually argue about it. We were both smacked as kids, and tbh I thought nothing of it until i had my own. I have had the urge to smack at times but restrained as i think it is quite cruel. I also dont understand how it is ok for me to smack my small child, while if i smacked an adult it would be assault! My dh says there is no evidence of harm, and says yelling is more harmful.

How do we compromise on this issue? He is adament our kids would behave better if i smacked them, instead of the current system of star chart and sent to room for bad behaviour. He has smacked our kids, never much but i find it horrible. I also feel it is kind of lazy, like he cannot be bothered to think of another punishment. His parents are all for smacking, and his ds did it to her own. My friends are all against, they see it as quite outdated and pointless.

Any ideas would be welcome as it is really putting a strain on us, despite years of discussion. Thank you

OP posts:
Mandatorymongoose · 08/04/2016 19:45

Here are some countries where it is illegal to hit children (and the year it was made law).

It's illegal here for us to assault children in other circumstances. It's not acceptable for teachers to do it for example.

I guess I would ask your DH why he thinks all of these places have said it's not ok?
2010 Albania
2014 Andorra
2014 Argentina
1989 Austria
2015 Benin
2014 Bolivia
2014 Brazil
2000 Bulgaria
2014 Cape Verde
2010 Republic of the Congo
2008 Costa Rica
1999 Croatia
1994 Cyprus
1997 Denmark
2014 Estonia
1983 Finland
2000 Germany
2006 Greece
2016 Greenland
2013 Honduras
2004 Hungary
2003 Iceland
2015 Republic of Ireland
2000 Israel
2010 Kenya
1998 Latvia
2008 Liechtenstein
2008 Luxembourg
2013 Republic of Macedonia
2014 Malta
2008 Moldova
2016 Mongolia
2007 Netherlands
2007 New Zealand
2014 Nicaragua
1987 Norway
2015 Peru
2010 Poland
2007 Portugal
2004 Romania
2014 San Marino
2011 South Sudan
2007 Spain
1979 Sweden
2007 Togo
2010 Tunisia
2002 Turkmenistan
2004 Ukraine
2007 Uruguay
2007 Venezuela

MiffleTheIntrovert · 08/04/2016 19:45

It would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

I would be interested in asking him what age he would stop smacking - would he, for example, be ok with smacking a 14 year old girl? I would also be asking him would he be happy about his dcs' nursery workers or teachers hitting his DC? If your DH was a step father to his children, would he hit someone's else's 3 year old?

I think it's important DC never see violence in their own home and never see their parents (especially men) hitting other people, whether they are children or adults. My DH grew up in a violent home and would be ashamed of himself his DC saw him hitting anyone. It's not a good example and it perpetuates domestic violence.

I feel so strongly that is child abuse to hit a child either as discipline or anger that I would not stay in a relationship with someone who hit my DC. Did you discuss this at all before you had DC?

BennyTheBall · 08/04/2016 19:48

There would be no compromise for me.

If my husband smacked our children he would not be a part of our lives.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 08/04/2016 19:48

I was a good child. Never in trouble with anyone (we mostly lived with GP) except my mum who was very keen on smacking. My Dad certainly never smacked me. But I still remember that flinch when she would raise her hand and I never want my children to feel that fear. She'd slap my face as well, yet I was honestly the most placid child, afraid of everything (wonder why). DS saw a child get smacked once on the bus and asked why was that child's Mummy hurting him? Why indeed!!!

ninja · 08/04/2016 19:49

I am completely against smacking, but to give you an alternative view I do know one family who use it as a punishment. Never in anger and just a slap on the hand - they have apologised to me when my daughter witnessed it.

frikadela01 · 08/04/2016 19:50

I was smacked as a child and don't feel it did me any harm.... HOWEVER I'm 100%against smacking now. Times have moved on and I couldn't imagine a scenario where smacking is acceptable. Thankfully dp is on the same page as me. My sister smacked my neices hand the other day out of sheer frustration and then spent an hour crying on the phone to my mum about it... its just not the done thing anymore.

MadameJosephine · 08/04/2016 19:53

Total deal breaker for me too. I told DP that if he ever lifted a hand to either me or my child he'd be out the door. In my book there is no difference, violence is unacceptable.

Heirhelp · 08/04/2016 20:05

Could you speak to your HV and then get your DH and you to meet with your HV to dicuss alternative s?

paxillin · 08/04/2016 20:14

Somebody who smacks would have no unsupervised access to my children. The first duty of a parent is to protect a child and what can be more important than protecting them from physical violence?

pearlylum · 08/04/2016 20:21

Would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't live with a man who wanted to assault my child.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/04/2016 20:23

Is he actually trying to get you to agree to smack, as in you administer this punishment or just not prevent him doing it?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/04/2016 20:24

Oh and deal breaker for me as well. And if he ever did it and a mark was left I would be evidencing it and reporting

TheEmmaDilemma · 08/04/2016 20:24

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

We do not smack children in this day and age. It teaches nothing.

KurriKurri · 08/04/2016 20:25

Why does he think smacking is an acceptable way to 'manage behaviour' - does he use it to manage the behaviour of people at work? does he use it to 'manage' you when you don't behave the way he wants you to. Would he beat an animal ?

If the answer is 'no' then why would he assume it is OK to hit someone who is much smaller and weaker than you?

It is physical intimidation, bullying - using your size and strength to force others to your will. There will come a day when your DC are too big for him to 'manage' them this way, they won't have learnt any self control or self regulation of behaviour - their good behaviour will be based on fear and once they are big enough not to be frightened they may well decide to do whatever they like.

Good behaviour comes from talking about why some things are bad and some are good - children develop a moral compass by considering the results of their actions on others. By learning respect and empathy. Far better for them to think 'I won't do that because it would hurt someone's feeling's/make a lot of work for someone else etc' than to think 'I won't do that because I will get a smack' - that teaches nothing. You don't learn respect for others if you are not treated with respect.

It is lazy and counter productive.

'It is less harmful than yelling' is a false argument - based on the idea that smacking or yelling are the only two options. There are plenty of ways to teach children right from wrong. It is perfectly possible to be firm and definite in your boundaries without resorting to either smacking or shouting.

witsender · 08/04/2016 20:26

Deal breaker here too. Does he want his kids growing up thinking that if someone hits you you should respect them? What message is that to take into the world and relationships?

MissusWrex · 08/04/2016 20:31

I'm sorry op I really do not think there can be.

Being tired, at the end of your tether, losing control and feeling bloody awful about it afterwards (still regularly beat myself about smacking dad's hand once when she hit me a year later so definitely no angel) is world away still from agreeing and actively using it as a punishment.

peggyundercrackers · 08/04/2016 20:34

It's interesting people have spoken lots about smacking but don't mention shouting. Shouting is just as bad as smacking and sometimes more scary - it's more about emotional abuse And I think that messes with your head more than smacking.

Wombat87 · 08/04/2016 20:35

Outting myself to ANYONE in RL that I've told this story too....

In a market one weekend as a kid. Whinging, really getting on my dads nerves. He leans in and does that whisper that only parents can do... That one where you're really cross and it so threatening, and says "do you want something to whinge about?"

How pointless smacking is? I answered yes Grin even the threat of one wasn't enough to deter me. Got one as well.

I was smacked as a kid. I didn't fear my parents and it wasn't a go to punishment for them. I was happy and well brought up, and it was only extreme cases of naughtiness I think. But I wouldn't waste my energy on smacking my own. I'd like to believe I've got the self control to not. Judge and ye shall be, each to their own and all that.

CobblerBob · 08/04/2016 20:37

It's a deal breaker with me too.

I was hit: often and hard by my dad. Mostly around the head and face. I grew up hating him. He was and still is a bully and I have told my mother that if he lays a finger on either of my two children they will never see them again. My brother hits and is physically intimidating to his kids and his dog - I hate it and it makes me think so much less of him.

My husband was originally all for smacking (lightly - not like my dad) but I made it very clear that we would split up if he persisted with that line of thought.

BennyTheBall · 08/04/2016 20:38

I agree that shouting can be as bad.

Even the idea of smacking though - it just sickens me.

MrsJayy · 08/04/2016 20:41

Smacking just doesnt work my dc are adults and i used to smack bums and it was just pointless so I stopped Dh was battered as a kid and he saw a smack bum as normal I never saw it that way did smack a few times but it doesnt teach them anything there is no compromise its hitting your child and it isnt right.

LittleNelle · 08/04/2016 20:41

Do you have a local children's centre OP? Maybe see if there's a parenting course like Nurturing Programme or Incredible Years that could give you some alternatives to physical punishments and allow you and your partner an opportunity to come up with a parenting strategy you can both agree on. Your HV might be able to refer you.

GraysAnalogy · 08/04/2016 20:42

I was smacked as a child. I can only remember about 2 times when my mum actually had to carry out the threat. I personally think its okay, but if my partner didn't then it wouldn't be something I'd do because we are a team.

Gobbolino6 · 08/04/2016 20:42

I didn't think people smacked anymore. I actually thought it was illegal. In my opinion it is cruel, ineffective and extremely damaging to the parent/child relationship.

Aveiam · 08/04/2016 20:44

I was smacked a lot as a child and have never really thought about it- I never hit my own dd before she died-and I can't imagine a scenario where I'd feel ok to. Children are vulnerable, need looking after and teaching- but not through fear of physical pain!! I'm sure my parents loved me but I just don't know why it was seen as ok..