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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if there is any compromise when parents disagree on smacking?

296 replies

Waitrosesaysimessential · 08/04/2016 18:59

Dh and I disagree on smacking - he is for it, I think it is pointless, and that there are better ways of managing behaviour. We have three under 5 and it is getting me down as we continually argue about it. We were both smacked as kids, and tbh I thought nothing of it until i had my own. I have had the urge to smack at times but restrained as i think it is quite cruel. I also dont understand how it is ok for me to smack my small child, while if i smacked an adult it would be assault! My dh says there is no evidence of harm, and says yelling is more harmful.

How do we compromise on this issue? He is adament our kids would behave better if i smacked them, instead of the current system of star chart and sent to room for bad behaviour. He has smacked our kids, never much but i find it horrible. I also feel it is kind of lazy, like he cannot be bothered to think of another punishment. His parents are all for smacking, and his ds did it to her own. My friends are all against, they see it as quite outdated and pointless.

Any ideas would be welcome as it is really putting a strain on us, despite years of discussion. Thank you

OP posts:
Lollipopstick · 08/04/2016 22:18

No one where I live - a middle class city area - would admit to smacking as it's not considered acceptable at all.

DH is from a rural area and, maybe it's just his family and friends there, but they seem to have no issue with smacking - and wouldn't be a ashamed to said they'd smacked their child. I've never discussed it with then but I'd say they see me as slightly odd or permissive for not doing it.

Both DH's dad and brother have in the past attempted or mentioned they might smack my DS when he was misbehaving. I would not trust them to have DS alone.

There's something primitive about smacking - surely we've advanced beyond that

paxillin · 08/04/2016 22:20

Well, it is still legal in the UK. I'm sure it won't be much longer. What other form of assault becomes illegal on someone's 18th birthday? It's a parenting fail. It's illegal to leave bruises since 2004 (!) and violence against kids will soon be illegal.

Canyouforgiveher · 08/04/2016 22:31

Once my kids had been smacked once,it became a very effective deterrent as they did not want a repeat. They are now 9, 11 and 13 and it is many years since any of them were smacked. None of them have ever been in trouble for being aggressive to another kid and they are most certainly not afraid of me.

But do you look back fondly on those moments?

My lovely MIL did "smack" (really don't like the cutsy word)/ She slapped, flicked their ears etc when stressed and trying to get them to do what she wanted (she had 6 boys)

My husband is the gentlest person imaginable. He wouldn't dream of slapping our children. His brothers are the same. He loves his mother dearly and has a great relationship with her and was never afraid of her.

some of his most unpleasant memories of his mother were when she physically punished them. It wasn't severe by any means but it hurt and was humiliating (that's the point - right?). He loves her and doesn't hold it against her but I would say that the times he least respected and liked his mother were when she was "smacking".

My parents never slapped. My father would have considered himself disgraced forever if he had hit a small child and my mother would have considered herself an entirely inadequate mother if she couldn't get any small child to do what she wanted simply by using her authoritative tone of voice.

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 22:32

It is possible to parent without shouting or smacking

No, it isn't.

And you wouldn't leave your husband for smacking the kids either. Not if everything else was great. You might think you would, but you wouldn't.

Believeitornot · 08/04/2016 22:32

Smacking is lazy. It takes a lot of effort to think of better ways to parent your child - I know because I struggle with this daily and try to enforce/reason with my DCs depending on moods.

Smacking is about a short sharp shock or fear. It doesn't teach anything. I don't know anyone who would calmly smack - so to me it is about passing on your fear or aggression.

Believeitornot · 08/04/2016 22:33

I do not smack my children. It is the height of hypocrisy.

pearlylum · 08/04/2016 22:34

BlenheimBouquet you show a distinct lack of imagination if you think parenting needs smacking or shouting.

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 22:35

It's lazy, hypocritical and ineffective. It's a parenting fail.

Yes, I agree, but I still do it occasionally.

It's does no one any favours to pretend we parent like we've just stepped out of the manual 24/7.

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 22:36

pearly having read your posts I see I can dismiss them as smug, judgemental and quite probably untrue.

Here endeth the conversation.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 08/04/2016 22:39

Thats rubbish Bertrand, your sample size is too small. My faith gives me no physical authority over another person.
I don't shout either.

pearlylum · 08/04/2016 22:40

BlenheimBouquet I am not surprised you find it difficult to justify your position. No one is pretending to be a perfect parent, of course I fuck up at times, of course, but I don't use physical or verbal violence. Is that so hard to understand?

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 22:41

Did they send you your parenting medal in the post?

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 22:42

Why do I have to justify myself? I mean, aside from the obvious fact that you're a stranger on the Internet.

I don't necessarily think it can be justified. Not everything I do I can justify. Such is life.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 08/04/2016 22:43

You asserted it isnt possible. Do you really expect those of us who find it possible to not say so?

pearlylum · 08/04/2016 22:45

You claim that it isn't possible to parent without smacking or shouting- I disagree. Why does that make me smug? I'm not claiming to be perfect, but you suggest I am lying.
No one shouts or hits in our house. Is that so hard to believe?

Believeitornot · 08/04/2016 22:46

If you agree it is lazy then why the hell do you do it?

Have you no aspiration? Don't you want to be a better parent?

Do you hit your work colleagues or friends?

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 22:46

Maybe it's possible if you have a lot of support.

But no, by and large I don't think it's possible never to shout or smack.

Happy for you to disagree. I'm not in the least invested in my position.

paxillin · 08/04/2016 22:47

You don't have to justify yourself, BlenheimBouquet. You say you are aware violence is wrong and a parenting fail. I suspect that is the reason you justify yourself.

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 22:48

Why are you getting so worked up? Why use words like aspirational?

I find it very strange that you would be so incensed by the way I parent my children. It doesn't affect you at all.

BlenheimBouquet · 08/04/2016 22:48

I'm not justifying myself!

I've done a lot of things I can't justify. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say.

Believeitornot · 08/04/2016 22:50

Actually it does - I feel sad for those children who are subject to violence by their own parents.

DoreenLethal · 08/04/2016 22:51

Regardless of whose parents hit them and they are just fine; the simple fact is this:

If someone hit you, for not doing what they wanted, you could go to the police and have them arrested because hitting another adult is assault.

And yet some people think it is ok to do this to a child? A child that is incapable of going to the police and filing an assault charge?

Anyone who hits a child is an abuser. End of.

BertrandRussell · 08/04/2016 22:51

"Thats rubbish Bertrand, your sample size is too small. My faith gives me no physical authority over another person."

I know that many Christians feel the same as you do. . But the poster I quoted does smack, and so do 50%of her friends and she is a very open Christian poster. So my post was reasonable in the circumstqnces..

Believeitornot · 08/04/2016 22:52

And I've never hit my children! Yes I've shouted but I damn well make sure I apologise and aim to not do it!

I don't claim that it is impossible. I try (aspiration) to not do it. And one day I will get there.

pearlylum · 08/04/2016 22:53

I don't think it needs support.

Badkitten, interesting you are in a similar situation. Shouting never helps. Neither OH or I have a temper. It's not to say we don't have strong feelings or not assertive, but we tackle problems in other ways.
I have two teenage children, 16 and 18. They don't shout or lose their temper either, I don't know if it's because of OH and I, but it's just the way our family works.
I have visited other homes, some of them very shouty, doors slamming etc, it seems an unpleasant way to work.
Nice to hear of another calm family.