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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my sons consultant shouldnt have tried to give my children money?

133 replies

jemima39 · 08/04/2016 17:22

I had an appointment today with my 5 year old sons paediatrician, and took my 2 year old daughter with me, he paid more attention to her, commenting on how cute she was and stroking her hair and then as both kids behaved relatively well he tried to give them some change from his pocket. While I feel his intentions were just be nice and reward them I'm uncomfortable when I'm trying to teach my kids not to accept things from strangers especially my 5 year old as his disability means he has very little sense of danger. He is a middle aged indian chap and I gather giving change to small children is very popular in indian culture after talking to a few people about this but is it the right thing for a Doctor in a hospital to be doing?

OP posts:
Cel982 · 08/04/2016 20:10

It doesn't matter one jot if people on this thread cannot see the issue. Giving money to children in your care is a safeguarding no-no

I don't think anyone's arguing that it's not against the rules, AF.

They're saying that, in a scenario where there's no suggestion of grooming or anything else untoward, it would be mean-spirited and unkind to make a complaint.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2016 20:12

Yes, I already agreed with that. I would not make a complaint. I would simply have refused to accept the money.

I am pretty complaint-averse though.

Tywinlannister · 08/04/2016 20:16

I don't think getting money from people for being 'good' or 'behaving' etc is that weird. In M&S cafe, DS used to rake in about £3 a week simply for being blonde, cute and quiet.

From a doctor it's a bit weird but maybe he often does it and just thought it was normal. I wouldn't worry.

lenibose · 08/04/2016 20:22

Another Indian mum. Never heard of this. Newborns may be given money but that's a more formal thing. Only time my kid has ever been given money was by an old English couple who chatted with DS who was 6 months on a train journey and then tucked 50p into his car seat which he was strapped into as they got off. And wouldn't take no for an answer. We have been to India a LOT (DS is 4) and no one has offered DS small change. People have given us money to buy something for him which is different.

Odd as it is, I don't know whether complaining would be OTT. I would let it go personally unless you felt there was something sinister.

lenibose · 08/04/2016 20:23

And when I say 'people' I mean close family, not random doctors.

catlovingdoctor · 08/04/2016 20:27

I see no issue. He was just being pleasant.

wannadancethenightaway · 08/04/2016 20:29

I would think it strange then I would get on with my day. I wouldn't complain.

WorraLiberty · 08/04/2016 20:41

This sort of thing used to really piss my Dad off.

If a British person does something considered odd, it's because they're a bit odd.

If a foreigner does something a bit odd, it's because they're foreign Confused

So this guy acted unprofessionally (in some people's opinion), therefore it automatically follows that it's because he's middle aged and Indian??

AnyFucker · 08/04/2016 20:48

I put no credence to his age or his heritage.

he is out of line for giving money to children he has a professional responsibility to

nor is there any comparison to the sweet little old lady on the bus giving ten pence pieces or the avuncular neighbours of yore that gave you tuppence for the sweet shop

this is against safeguarding guidelines. The End.

Cel982 · 08/04/2016 20:49

So this guy acted unprofessionally (in some people's opinion), therefore it automatically follows that it's because he's middle aged and Indian??

No. But surely it's better for people to recognise that customs differ between cultures, rather than to assume that anyone who does anything outside the norm for the country they're in is a bit odd? Hmm

AnyFucker · 08/04/2016 20:51

Never mind that. He acted outside of safeguarding guidelines and that is that. Nothing more, nothing less.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2016 20:52

I get uncomfortable about making allowances for "cultural differences"

Example: Rochdale. Need I say more ?

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 08/04/2016 21:01

Very odd, a sticker or lollipop is the norm.
Is he a locum?, I've had a few bad experiences with them. I don't know how such people have been hired.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 08/04/2016 21:05

A neighbour giving you a few quid, or someone in a restaurant perhaps? A medical professional , hell no! I don't think they are " grooming", but certainly not had the training that is of an acceptable standard for the UK.

WorraLiberty · 08/04/2016 21:22

No. But surely it's better for people to recognise that customs differ between cultures, rather than to assume that anyone who does anything outside the norm for the country they're in is a bit odd?

He's a professional man.

Assuming he's had the safeguarding training that people have spoken about, and assuming he's chosen to ignore it, then is that not just a bit odd, no matter what country you come from originally?

AnyFucker · 08/04/2016 21:25

it really is safeguarding training 101

don't give money to your patients

MyCatIsTryingToKillMe · 08/04/2016 21:34

I am just annoyed that no-one gave my super cute blond boys any money when they were young, I must have been hanging around the wrong places.

LittleNelle · 08/04/2016 21:35

Are coins mentioned specifically in NHS safeguarding training AnyFucker? Is it treated differently to stickers/colouring sheets/lollipops?

Buckinbronco · 08/04/2016 21:36

Isn't he Indian? What does the Middle East have to do with it?

That said DC has 3 TIMES been
Given coins by Indian men of a certain age for her money box so I could believe it's a cultural
Thing. A lovely one imo

Buckinbronco · 08/04/2016 21:38

They were given in pubs/ cafes by the way. Once middle aged white English woman gave her 50pfot her money box too

Cel982 · 08/04/2016 21:49

He's a professional man. Assuming he's had the safeguarding training that people have spoken about, and assuming he's chosen to ignore it, then is that not just a bit odd, no matter what country you come from originally?

Yes, in this scenario, given that many people have confirmed that this is not a specific Indian custom. I was making a general point, as you seemed to be doing with the reference to your Dad.

I get uncomfortable about making allowances for "cultural differences" Example: Rochdale. Need I say more ?

Well, yeah, you do. Nobody here has argued that sexual abuse of minors is ok if that's how they do it in foreign parts Hmm But personally I'd always try to be aware of different customs around eating, removing shoes, toileting etc. Which is much more in the league of what we're talking about here.

squiggleirl · 08/04/2016 21:49

It's all a bit hypocritical isn't it? Lollipops and stickers are okay. A few coins are not.

I have 3 kids. For all of them lollipops are/were of more value than actual money. Stickers were treasured items. None of them showed any interest in the coin for the trolley at the supermarket, but a lollipop with dirt and fluff on it that some other kid had dropped, was like treasure. Money has no value to small kids. It's shiny. That's all.

As parents we use treats to bribe our kids. We tell them that if they behave for X amount of time, we'll give them a lollipop. It's only when they get older we enter the idea of monetary rewards/bribes, because truth is, a small child will generally prefer a lollipop. Not many 4 year olds get pocket money.

I don't know what safeguarding requirements are, but I would question the very system that would see an issue with giving small kids a few random coins, but not with giving lollipops and stickers (a.k.a. small child currency) to a child, with their parent present.

The dynamic between money and power is an adult/older child issue. At a young age, as there is no concept of the real value of money, that dynamic just isn't there.

AnyFucker · 08/04/2016 21:55

The wilful naivety on this thread is quite a sight to behold.

DotForShort · 08/04/2016 22:10

I see no issue here at all. A safeguarding matter? No, not by any stretch of the imagination. And he isn't a stranger, for heaven's sake.

It sounds like a kind gesture, nothing more.

Ameliablue · 08/04/2016 22:24

The wilful naivety on this thread is quite a sight to behold

What is the actual reasoning behind it being a safe guarding issue? Why is a sticker or lollipop ok and a similar value of coins not?