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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder how close a mother and son can be?

162 replies

Twasthecatthatdidit · 05/04/2016 11:20

Ok, this has been done sooooo many times before.... But have just found out I'm having a second boy. Not planning a third and certainly not for the sake of trying for a girl so that's that, no daughters. And I can't help feeling a bit gutted, which I wasn't expecting. Now I do look at his perfect little scan picture and feel a bit better. But feeling sad I'll never have that mother daughter relationship. My brother does live near to mum and sees her a lot, but wouldn't have the same relationship as she has with her daughters. And my Dh is v good at keep at keeping in contact with people but would hero worship and be much closer to his dad - doesn't really see his mother's point of view (although he would deny this). So I'm not ruing an opportunity to buy dresses ( I'm not a girly girl) but more than close adult relationship. Do sons ever really "get" their mothers? Will there ever be lunches and spas?!

OP posts:
centigrade451 · 05/04/2016 13:45

I agree with Lweji. Closeness comes down to individual personalities but I will add also how you raise your children rather than gender.

My mother and my oldest brother have always clicked and he was shown outright favouritism from the outset. My mother considered me the 'difficult' one. I can go for six months without contact with my mother (unless I make an effort) but my older brother gets 3 month visits and twice-weekly skype calls.

Judydreamsofhorses · 05/04/2016 13:50

My brother and my mum are like two peas in a pod, and my mum is also great friends with my brother's wife. I see my mum four or five times a year and we don't get on especially well. (I'm the daughter, and the older sibling.) In our case it's massively different personality types and nothing to do with gender.

corythatwas · 05/04/2016 13:50

"But a son is never going to "get" being a mother, or being a woman in the workplace or society generally. It's hard to imagine being a role model, as it seems mostly people look to their same sex parent for this"

So how would you feel if you had a daughter whose experiences or feelings of being a mother or a woman in society were just totally different to yours? Who couldn't use you as a model because what she needed to grow into was just so vastly different to what you were?

Would you be able to let go of that and be happy for her, or would she have to pretend that she "got" you?

corythatwas · 05/04/2016 13:55

Also have a dd who is a completely different personality type to me. Her experiences of being a female teenager have nothing to do with mine, her expectations of life and dreams are nothing like mine, her personality and way of dealing with problems also nothing like mine. We get on well because we enjoy our differences. The only things we have in common are certain intellectual interests which I could equally well share with a boy.

midsummabreak · 05/04/2016 13:56

I think your family will be perfect Op, and each son will have their own amazing strengths & interests that will bring so much joy into your life (but of course every parent experiences strife as well as joy, as parenting is an amazing experience, but simultaneously, parenting is never ever easy)

CuppaSarah · 05/04/2016 14:01

My dh and his mother are very close. They don't talk as often as I'd like them too, but there's a very deep unspoken bond that is truly amazing, its very different and more honest and raw than her bond with her daughter. Not that she isn't close to her daughter, it's just a different relationship, her and her daughter need to tell each other they love them, but mil and dh don't need to say anything iyswim. Plus me and mil are really close, so if she didn't have her DD she'd have the daughter relationship with me, she was much more involved in our wedding and with our kids than my own mother.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope it goes with little heartburn and lots of good health.

DryShampoo · 05/04/2016 14:02

OP, I'm basing my responses on nothing more than what you've written. You say it's not about buying dresses but then you talk about missing out on 'lunches and spas', and you do seem to have some very absolute ideas about what you call 'that mother daughter relationship', as though it's automatically close and warm. I'm very fond of my mother, and we talk often, but I've lived on different continents to her my entire adult life, and it has honestly never occurred to me to consider her a role model in any sense, any more than my father. I do love both parents, but I also see them as emotionally -damaged people from deprived backgrounds with very limited life experience. My siblings would agree, and although my parents do not 'get' any of their childre, we're a functional, happy, if widely-scattered family.

I do not think I know a single person of either sex who 'hero worships' a parent, nor do I know any woman who would describe herself as 'best friends' with her mother.

Like Ragwort, I worry about the cultural expectation of close relationships between mothers and daughters, with all that implies of mothers emotionally relying on daughters, assuming they will live close by as adults, look after them in old age etc. I didn't have my son in order for him to be my friend or look after me. He's a pure delight, but I do have my own independent life that he doesn't need to 'get'.

Lellyloveslarry · 05/04/2016 14:03

I have boys. I love them the same as if they girls. I don't do spa days.

Snowfedup · 05/04/2016 14:11

I am really close to both ds's aged 8 and 3. The older boy is very creative and was very into loom bands and hama beads when those crazies went through school. we also spent a lovely few weekends in the garden painting our nails with all the flags from the world cup that year. The younger one is fascinated by my make-up and often asks to have some on or do mine with v interesting results :)
My older ds and i enjoyed a chocolate massage in turkey a few years ago. I think you make your relationship what it is ? if they love you and want to be around you encourage it and definitely dont put them off doing things together just because you think they are only for girls ??

mishmash1979 · 05/04/2016 14:13

I am much much closer to my 15 yr old son than my 13 ur old daughter (who worships her daddy) My boys hug me lots and tell me they love me ( have a 5&6 yr old boys too) Whilst I do wonder what will happen in the future I know that for now I love the relationship I have with them. I also think how you are with your boys (affectionate etc) will play a huge part in their future female (or male) relationships. My MIL was not particularly close with my hubbie and as a result he has little to do with her now other than monthly phone calls and visits at Xmas. I want much more than that with my boys.
Also having had 2 children close together twice ;boy/girl and boy/boy and can absolutely say that 2 boys is magical. My 5&6 yr old playing together sometimes makes me well up and they r very protective of each other. The only difference in our family with boys is that it is probably louder and more aggressive ( rough n tumble) than my SILs house which is full of girls. With boys u know where u stand and fallouts last hours whereas a girls moods/fallout can last months!!!!
Enjoy your boys; it will be magical!

Witchend · 05/04/2016 14:15

I wouldn't do a spa day. Nor I am certain would dd1.
I'm just as close yo my ds as my dd1 or 2. Physically he's the most affectionate, and I enjoy doing things with each of the individually... They all love a special lunch on their own.

mishmash1979 · 05/04/2016 14:17

Also I have never lunched and spa'd with my mum. You either know some very close child/parents or u have watched too many American films!! That's the only time I have seen such relationships in my lifetime!

Witchend · 05/04/2016 14:18

Oh, and I fo go clothes shopping (for me) with ds. It's fun and very cheap. He tends,to laugh at about 3/4 of the stuff I try on, but he's got a good eye at picking out stuff I'd never think of and I find it looks good (he's 8yo). Shopping with dd2 is much more expensive as she sees several must haves for herself too.

Jemappelle · 05/04/2016 14:30

My mother and I take under 3 minutes on the phone or in same room for me to start getting the a rash of rage all over. We live on opposite sides of the world.

My father is my inspiration and cheerleader and I can't imagine a world without him.

My DH adores his mum - my lovely MIL.

My DH'a dad is a UKIP supporter/propagandist - so well, DH doesn't hero worship him let's leave it there.

Lollipopstick · 05/04/2016 14:49

I'm not close to my mum - we get on ok - this doesn't sound nice but I just tolerate her. She has a few issues and doesn't behave like a normal person. She drinks quite a bit in the evenings and gets difficult. She talks at me rather than with me. She drones on and on about people I don't know. I would hate to be booked into a spa with her for the day.

DH on the other-hand can talk to his mum about anything. I'm closer to MIL than to my own mum. He only sees her every few weeks as we live quite far away - but he will take her out for lunch or to the shops. DH loves to spend the day looking around the shops and going for something to eat.

I have two boys and it's great - I wouldn't change a thing.

evilcherub · 05/04/2016 14:52

My brother is the closest to my mum in my family.

fusionconfusion · 05/04/2016 15:18

Just following up on the transgender comment above.

I would be devastated for my children if one of my three sons "grew up to be a girl who loves boys".

I would be devastated for my children if the culture we're in would require my sons to "identify" as "transgender" in order to feel they could express certain personality characteristics, wear certain clothes or love certain people. It is one of the most utterly, utterly fucked up things in our world that we now believe that such a large proportion of young people need to "identify" with a particular gender in order to feel at home in themselves. I would honestly be gutted for any of them if this is the path they took - the self-hatred and lack of self-acceptance inherent in it is very hard to accommodate.

I love my kids because of who they are. I'd have liked to have had a girl too because it would have been nice one day to see one of my babies carrying their own baby. Which isn't going to happen, even if they all "identify" as TG in the future.

cornishglos · 05/04/2016 15:23

Neither me nor any of my sisters has ever been on a spa day with my mum.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/04/2016 15:26

Honestly, Twas, you really can't predict it.

I'm one of four girls - my mum was desperate for a boy. None of us are close to my parents or foster parents.

My sort-of DP (I'll call him DP for ease) is one of two, he has an older sister. His older sister has always lived closer to his parents, and has two children now - but DP has the far better relationship with his parents. They holiday together (with me) and go for lunch and go shopping and do sport. His sister visits once in a while, usually if she needs a favour or DP's parents have invited the family for dinner. His sister and their children are much, much closer to her husband's family, they see them frequently and moved to be closer to them.

There were some trying years between DP's parents and I (we got together at 17 and have been together for 8 years, although the last year has been... unique, so we did uni together, I moved in with his parents, we moved out together, we lived around the country, we lived abroad, etc). but I think of them as the closest thing to parents that I've ever had.

There's no guarantee, if you had a girl, that she'd like girly things, or feel particularly feminine, or want to go to lunch. There's nothing to say that she'll ever get pregnant or face sexism. There is also nothing to say that you won't have a boy who is interested in sexism, or has lots of children, or loves lunches. It's a personality thing and I don't think it's even more likely to get a girl who likes those things, at this stage - It's just pot luck.

Enjoy your pregnancy, and try not to worry about this.

TinySombrero · 05/04/2016 15:27

My brother has the closer relationship with my mum. They gel more as personalities.

My mum supported his interests in sport and they now go watch games together. They share a taste in films that they forged in his teenage years. She was not a smothering mother so I guess that helped.

Ludways · 05/04/2016 15:37

I have never and will never go on a spa day with my mum or anyone, lol! I'll do lunch though!

My ds is only 14 so I can't say for definite what it'll be like as an adult but we're close, conversation is easy between us, we'll talk about anything and he likes to spend time with me, we try to talk every day, but then it's the same with dd.

I always think it's my responsibility to keep up the relationship, I'm the parent and always will be, I'll get out of my dcs what I'm prepared to put in to them. I take an interest in his life and the things he likes, I can then share them with him. If I let things slide or not show interest then the relationship will diminish, over my dead body will that happen! I have a new found knowledge and appreciation of rap music, I never thought that would ever happen, lol

Lndnmummy · 05/04/2016 15:45

Not what you asked but ill tell you anyway. You are about to have my dream family! I always wanted to boys. It looks like my ds will be an only but I feel so blessed to havr him. Sadly I dont have a good experience of mother/daughter relationships so I was relieved when I had a son. (Yes, that is bonkers, I know and working on it in therapy).

BillBrysonsBeard · 05/04/2016 15:59

It's different for everyone! I am closer to my mum than my brothers are but my MIL gets on much better with her sons and are close. It's about personalities I think.

gymboywalton · 05/04/2016 17:31

ugby, sport bring it on (and art, drama, food, animals, tractors and diggers)

what if your son is into fashion, music, make up or some other past time that you deem to be traditionally female?

fusionconfusion · 05/04/2016 17:36

Actually my eldest boy would probably kill for lunches. His absolute favourite thing in the world ever is to buy a magazine and go for a coffee. He is only six!