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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how close a mother and son can be?

162 replies

Twasthecatthatdidit · 05/04/2016 11:20

Ok, this has been done sooooo many times before.... But have just found out I'm having a second boy. Not planning a third and certainly not for the sake of trying for a girl so that's that, no daughters. And I can't help feeling a bit gutted, which I wasn't expecting. Now I do look at his perfect little scan picture and feel a bit better. But feeling sad I'll never have that mother daughter relationship. My brother does live near to mum and sees her a lot, but wouldn't have the same relationship as she has with her daughters. And my Dh is v good at keep at keeping in contact with people but would hero worship and be much closer to his dad - doesn't really see his mother's point of view (although he would deny this). So I'm not ruing an opportunity to buy dresses ( I'm not a girly girl) but more than close adult relationship. Do sons ever really "get" their mothers? Will there ever be lunches and spas?!

OP posts:
DryShampoo · 05/04/2016 12:54

Cory, yes, most of the thread is thoroughly heartening, it's the only assumptions of the OP - and, in fairness, a trickle of similar OPs on Mn since I've been in here - that depress me.

Lottapianos · 05/04/2016 12:55

Very well said dryshampoo

gymboywalton · 05/04/2016 12:55

i have two boys and we are very very close
tey talk to me about far more than they tell their dad. I hear all about girls/crushes/sex/emotions/friends etc

dh talks to them about films and sport!

i am pretty sure we will stay close when they are older and leave home. they are both very physically affectionate too-my 16 year old gives me a big hug every day when he comes in from school etc

Narp · 05/04/2016 12:57

Helen

That was a moving post.

Sorry for what you are going through

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/04/2016 12:59

I have done more lunches and things like that with partners mums than I ever would with mine!

HackerFucker22 · 05/04/2016 13:06

MIL has 6 sons. She is lucky in that all of them - barring one - have long term partners and she has a good relationship with them all. She also now has 6 granddaughters!!!

I adore my mum but we've never had a sisterly / close friend relationship. We are mother and daughter..... not buddies, not confidants. There is no animosity I just have never felt the need to tell my mum everything about my life. So having a daughter doesn't guarantee a 'close' relationship.

LittleLionMansMummy · 05/04/2016 13:09

I have a great relationship with my mum and have done lunches/ shopping etc with her. But I have one ds and am pregnant again - I'm not going to find out the gender because I couldn't care less. I'm of the 'as long as it's healthy' school of thought. Ds is an amazing individual with a zest for life like I've never seen before. My only worry with another is that I won't love him/ her as much! I wouldn't feel I'd missed out if I have another ds, but then I'm not really into stereotypically girly things. I have two sisters and friends I can go to lunch and have spa days with, if that's what I want!

corythatwas · 05/04/2016 13:10

DryShampoo Tue 05-Apr-16 12:54:39

"Cory, yes, most of the thread is thoroughly heartening, it's the only assumptions of the OP - and, in fairness, a trickle of similar OPs on Mn since I've been in here - that depress me."

Absolutely agree with this. And the whole assumption that you can have a child and expect them to turn into your dream, rather than thinking of them as an individual person, whose relationship with you will depend on the effort you put in to find common ground.

Goingtobeawesome · 05/04/2016 13:12

Helen - sorry for the loss of your Dad. How wonderful to have such an incredible son.

Junosmum · 05/04/2016 13:12

My 3 brothers are considerably closer to my mum than I am. So you could have had two arsey daughters like me.

SoupDragon · 05/04/2016 13:13

I don't think there is any need for some of the snarkier comments. The OP has no experience of a mother-son relationship and is only basing it on what she sees of her brother's relationship with their mother and what she imagines.

Savagebeauty · 05/04/2016 13:14

I am closer to ds than DD.
I would rather go away for a weekend with him than her.
And I'm happier doing spas and lunches alone Grin
I've no intention of being best friends with either of my children or a doting grandmother .

TempusEedjit · 05/04/2016 13:14

My mum is coming to visit me this week - I've not seen her in over two years. No particular reason for the gap other than distance. My brother on the other hand still lives at home with her through choice Confused

Helenluvsrob · 05/04/2016 13:15

Thanks jelly and awesome. He is just the best!

Threefaries · 05/04/2016 13:15

I have three girls and they are all so very different. What I imagine doing with one years down the line I doubt I will be doing with another. It's personality all the way. I'm having another baby and wondering more what kind of a person they will be more than what sex will they be.

Best wishes for your second baby.

Ragwort · 05/04/2016 13:17

I think it's worrying that so many mothers seem to expect cloyingly close relationships with their adult children - yes of course I love my DC but I don't expect them to fill my emotional needs - I enjoy 'spa type days' with a girl friend or prreferably on my own. Grin My role is to bring up my child to be independent and flee the nest.

I am quite close to my mother (in her 80s) but I am glad that she also has a full circle of friends and activities and doesn't rely on me to be her 'best friend'. Hmm

herecomethepotatoes · 05/04/2016 13:19

My OH (and his brothers), who are all in their forties, revert to "Mum, look at me" at every family get-together. They have a lovely father and are close to him, but the mother is put on a pedestal!

Relationships may be different depending upon the sex of the baby,but by no means worse.

CandyFlossBrain · 05/04/2016 13:20

I used to watch a woman on YT who was gutted to have a daughter as she was - and is - convinced they always love their fathers more (because she loved her father more.) She was overjoyed to have a boy for that reason. There is a saying 'A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life.' However this woman believes it goes 'A daughter is a daughter until...' And she's making it come true by always favouring her ds and pushing her dd in the direction of her DF.

What I'm saying is that your mindset can affect things if you let it. Children with vaginas won't automatically love you more than children with penises! Enjoy your babies for the people they are. (And for all you know you'll be blessed with half a dozen grand-daughters in the future!)

herecomethepotatoes · 05/04/2016 13:21

ps. I think their mother needed to swap mud pies and skateboarding for brunches and dolls but this didn't make them any less close.

All 3 sons bite their toe nails watching television so not sure spas were ever on the cards!

Indantherene · 05/04/2016 13:21

I have 4 adult DC, gbbb.

DD left home at 17, has lived abroad for 2 years and doesn't contact us unless we do first.

DS2 calls me most days, is the only one to bother with DC5, comes on holiday with us, and does really get me, in a way nobody else does. He is 25. DH always refers to him as "your favourite son".

FankEweVeryMuch · 05/04/2016 13:24

My H's mum goes for lunch with both of her sons and loves it. She's never been to a spa with her daughter and they have the most difficult relationship out of her three children.

I'm close to my mum but she lives 200 miles away. My brother lives 15 mins away from her. I've also never been to a spa with her.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/04/2016 13:30

I don't have a good relationship with my Mother , [no phone calls, lunches or days out shopping, my choice] but I do have a close relationship with my 3 ds's; who are now 20, 18 and 16.

We've raised them to be independent and happy [I hope!] and at no point have I ever wanted to keep them close to home or expect more than what they're prepared to give, they are who they are.

I would say that if I'd had dd's as well.

Original poster
Twasthecatthatdidit · 05/04/2016 13:30

Dry shampoo, I don't think you know what type of assumptions I make. I already said I wasn't a girly girl, my Dh is, by a considerable distance, the more emotionally continent, it's dad that ds fears if a mess has been made (I am far from domestically gifted) and neither of us do much wifework. But a son is never going to "get" being a mother, or being a woman in the workplace or society generally. It's hard to imagine being a role model, as it seems mostly people look to their same sex parent for this (perhaps I'm influenced by my dh's worship of his dad, who really really doesn't deserve it).
To those with less rude posts, it's good to hear your experiences. I think I just very much had an idea in my head of perfection (older brother, younger sister) and I just need to let go of this. Rugby, sport bring it on (and art, drama, food, animals, tractors and diggers) but lord save me from computers and gaming - let them be interested in anything but that! (Of course I'll survive if they are!)

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/04/2016 13:36

I'm not very close to my mother.

But so far have a great relationship with my son.

I think personalities are more important than the sex.

PageStillNotFound404 · 05/04/2016 13:39

It's hard to imagine being a role model, as it seems mostly people look to their same sex parent for this

My DSD is far closer to, and looks up to, her dad than her mum. OTOH one of my good (female) friends is definitely her son's role model and he's not ashamed to let people know that.

I think there are certain expectations drawn along societal lines but beyond that you can't really generalise how people's relationships with their children/parents work, because for every one that conforms to the stereotype there's likely to be another that doesn't, and increasingly so as more and more people question the traditional roles and opinions.

Teach your sons empathy, compassion and open-mindedness OP, and there's no reason why they shouldn't have the imagination to put themselves in the shoes of a woman in the workplace or whatever.