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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder how close a mother and son can be?

162 replies

Twasthecatthatdidit · 05/04/2016 11:20

Ok, this has been done sooooo many times before.... But have just found out I'm having a second boy. Not planning a third and certainly not for the sake of trying for a girl so that's that, no daughters. And I can't help feeling a bit gutted, which I wasn't expecting. Now I do look at his perfect little scan picture and feel a bit better. But feeling sad I'll never have that mother daughter relationship. My brother does live near to mum and sees her a lot, but wouldn't have the same relationship as she has with her daughters. And my Dh is v good at keep at keeping in contact with people but would hero worship and be much closer to his dad - doesn't really see his mother's point of view (although he would deny this). So I'm not ruing an opportunity to buy dresses ( I'm not a girly girl) but more than close adult relationship. Do sons ever really "get" their mothers? Will there ever be lunches and spas?!

OP posts:

Piemernator · 05/04/2016 12:27

I am not close to my Mother at all and would never ask the harpy for advice on anything nor expect support. Those brass talons are for real.

My DS and I are far closer than I could ever have been with my Mother. He loves going out for lunch, especially as I'm paying. His Father is away on business in Germany this week and we had walking dead and pie night last night.

We do share a common hobby though and that's gaming. We went to a gaming festival event at the NEC a couple of weeks ago for his birthday. I got a high end gun in a game yesterday when he had gone to bed so we will talk about that with genuine enthusiasm on both our parts. His mates are highly impressed that I game and he says I am the sickest Mum at school because of this.

We also both like football though I am not obsessed like him.

BabyGanoush · 05/04/2016 12:32

Lunches and spa's

I never do that with my mum, even though I am the only daughter.

Sounds a bit like a margarine or Tena commercial tbh, dancing around in a flowery dress with my mum and then having a laugh over lunch while we flirt with the waiter... Or something like that

I have (teenage) boys. I love being a mum of boys, to be honest I get a lot more cuddles and a lot less grief than my friends with girls.

I have had to learn to appreciate rugby and super heroes, but once you get into that it's good fun.

Freezingwinter · 05/04/2016 12:33

I think rather than comparing yourself and your sons to other mums and sons that you know, set your own precedent. Your relationship will be exactly as you make it. My dh hates his mum, my cousin adores his mum, I know plenty of boys and mums who have OKish relationships, I also know plenty of girls who don't get along with their mums/their mums are their best friends. I have one boy (14 months) and would happily die for him. I know as he grows our relationship will change but will it become less distant? Nope. I will always be his number one fan and supporter.

jellybean2000 · 05/04/2016 12:35

Percy that made me smile. They're ace aren't they? And so funny. The 7 yo is fab as well, but I really treasure the one to one time I have with DS1.

herecomesthsun · 05/04/2016 12:37

I looved my mum, never went to a spa with her though, looked after when she was terminally ill from cancer (am female).

However, I had a dear male, straight work colleague who also went to great pains to look after him mum who was very ill with cancer, clearly loved her dearly and was very close to her.

It is the people not the gender.

tilliebob · 05/04/2016 12:39

I forgot to say before, but my DS' are 17 and 7. They are completely different from each other! Much less drama from both of them compared to DD, especially in relation to friendships teenage girls drive me nuts My 17 year old has always been close to me, and is a good lad and still quite cuddly but more in a stealth-sneak-up-and-hug-you-then-flee way than the 7 year old is . We're a pretty open house here and DS1 will approach me about anything in the same way that DD (15) will.

Narp · 05/04/2016 12:40

I wonder whether, in the past when we were less enlightened , women got thrust into the role of care/spa-goer, if there were male alternatives

WitchSharkadder · 05/04/2016 12:40

I do understand your worries, OP, I'm a mum of 4 boys and no girls and used to think about the exact same things. In all honesty, I realsied my concerns came from other sources and not from me, 'friends' telling me 'a son is a son til he takes a wife...' Media portrayals of mother-daughter relationships etc.

Now, I realise it's all rubbish. I only have sisters and none of us are close to our mum (for various reasons). I have very different relationships with each of my children. I've had to work hard to find common ground with DS1, but he's very loving, affectionate and we share a sense of humour. DS2 is exactly like me in every way and, although there's no spa days (if hate that anyway) we can spend hours putting the world to rights over pizza and he confides in me still. You just have to forge relationships with each individual based on shared interests

Narp · 05/04/2016 12:40

carer, not care

Goingtobeawesome · 05/04/2016 12:41

I hate reading how perfect mother and daughter relationships are. I don't understand why they seem to be something that is crucial for a happy life and that sons are somehow second best.

I am not impartial. My mother abandoned me then flitted in and out of my life on a whim and was and is a complete bitch. I'll never speak to her again and will breathe a sigh of relief when she dies. I have two other women in my life who have come back into it after decades out and I love that they are there. Through them I get a tiny feeling of what things might have been but I still think it is sad when women think they are missing out on whatever it is they think is so wonderful and better than sons and mothers.

I just find it hard to read. It's a reminder of what I have lost and I implore people to be grateful for what they have, not what they think they are missing out on.

I have boys and a girl.

RebeccaCloud9 · 05/04/2016 12:42

I go on spa days with my mum (and dad sometimes) and my DP went with his mum occasionally- he enjoyed it more than she did though! They used to go shopping together and out for lunch. And she was very close to our daughter too. His brother never did any of those things with her but because of his personality not because he was male!

SistersOfPercy · 05/04/2016 12:43

jellybean they are fab, I think eyebrows might be raised at the thought of a 23 year old man sitting chatting with his Mum in bed like that, but it's normal for us.

My parents were much older when they had me and we weren't hugely close at that age. I can't begin to imagine that kind of relationship with my Mum back then (the woman who marched me back to HMV to return Guns N Roses Lies album as it contained swearing...I was 14!!!)

XIsACunt · 05/04/2016 12:44

If it helps any. My DH has a really close relationship with my MIL. He calls her every morning on his way to work. God only knows what the talk about everyday. He often pops in to see her at lunchtime if his not really busy at work. Its really lovely to see how close they are.

DH is closer to his mum than I am to my mum. I hope DD and I will have a close relationship like they do.

DryShampoo · 05/04/2016 12:45

These OPs depress me because they're so reactionary and sexist. They seem to assume (a) men and women are different species, (b) men are by definition emotionally stunted, with an emotional range limited to grunting at the football, and that (c) men delegate responsibility for 'managing' family relationships to the women they somehow manage to marry despite (a) and (b).

Has it occurred to the posters who think that mother-son closeness is unlikely (compared to the pink and fuzzy delights of mother-daughter shopping and spas, yadda yadda) that some of this is down to your own sexist ideas about 'what boys/men are like'? Do you expect more, emotionally, from your daughters? Do you model good, longterm friendships with men (other than your husband, if married)? Do you 'caretake' family relationships for your husband, suggesting that remembering birthdays and orchestrating visits is 'women's work' and beneath men's notice? Or are your own interests so pitifully limited to nail varnish and diets that you have no language in common with adult sons?

Helenluvsrob · 05/04/2016 12:46

Just to let you know how bloody amazing sons are it was DS who stayed with me from1am to 6.30am on Saturday into Sunday and held his dying poppas hand to let me get some sleep at times so dad wouldn't ever feel alone.

Ds is 20. I called him as he was coming home meeting mates at that time. Dh would have come back if I'd called him I know but ds was definitely " the right man for the job" . I have daughters (23 and 16) who would have been their if I'd asked but I'd feel I had to look after them as well IYSWIM.

dad died peacefully just before 9am Sunday with me and dh there after ds had gone to get some sleep.

Narp · 05/04/2016 12:48

DryShampoo

AGREE.

jellybean2000 · 05/04/2016 12:48

Helen

OliviaDunham · 05/04/2016 12:48

Just to say I have 3 DSs, rarely speak to DM but me and DF are very close - the mother daughter bond isn't a given. Don't be down, boys are very loving, my eldest is 13 and always gives me a hug and tells me he loves me (as long as his friends aren't there!).

corythatwas · 05/04/2016 12:49

DryShampoo, most posters have effectively been saying that there are as many relationships as there are people and that these are not defined by gender. The thread is full of sons taking their mothers out for lunch and daughters who wouldn't be seen dead with them in a spa.

IceBeing · 05/04/2016 12:49

dryshampoo very well put!

Owllady · 05/04/2016 12:49

This reminds me of when I said to my eldest son that the dog played a bit rough for a girl and he replied why would a dog play up to a gender stereotype?

Narp · 05/04/2016 12:50

cory

I agree with that too

WiiUnfit · 05/04/2016 12:51

Don't worry OP - as a daughter, my Mum & I have never really been close but DS and I are very close, he's a total mini-me I really hope it stays that way as he grows up.

Believeitornot · 05/04/2016 12:53

Lunches and spas is a rather shallow way of defining a relationship.

Just focus on building a decent relationship with your children - they're not your friends. You can lunch and spa with friends.

ExConstance · 05/04/2016 12:54

I have two sons, now grown up, we are very close and they are bestest friends with each other too.

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