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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how close a mother and son can be?

162 replies

Twasthecatthatdidit · 05/04/2016 11:20

Ok, this has been done sooooo many times before.... But have just found out I'm having a second boy. Not planning a third and certainly not for the sake of trying for a girl so that's that, no daughters. And I can't help feeling a bit gutted, which I wasn't expecting. Now I do look at his perfect little scan picture and feel a bit better. But feeling sad I'll never have that mother daughter relationship. My brother does live near to mum and sees her a lot, but wouldn't have the same relationship as she has with her daughters. And my Dh is v good at keep at keeping in contact with people but would hero worship and be much closer to his dad - doesn't really see his mother's point of view (although he would deny this). So I'm not ruing an opportunity to buy dresses ( I'm not a girly girl) but more than close adult relationship. Do sons ever really "get" their mothers? Will there ever be lunches and spas?!

OP posts:
mice · 05/04/2016 11:58

I can sympathise a little as when my second DS was born 18yrs ago I did have a momentary slight feeling of disappointment as I would have liked a girl. It didn't last though. I feel so lucky with the two sons I have, the two of them couldn't be more different and I guess that would be the same with girls too. Now they are both adults they are incredibly protective of me, they both have lovely long term girlfriends which is a lovely addition to the family and yesterday I spent a lovely long lunch with my youngest just chatting about everything and setting the world to rights. He is also a brilliant shopper :-)
Having boys has meant I have done things I didn't do growing up with just sisters, paintballing, rugby, trains, everything muddy, but we also went as a family to a spa type place recently, all chatting in the steam room and jacuzzi - only after a punishing couple of hours in the gym! The boys and my husband have also been trained to appreciate girly movies, afternoon, shopping etc - so the best of both worlds!
We don't know how our children will turn out but what we can do is enjoy every moment of what we do have. I love my mum but the relationship I have with my boys is much closer and more informal and fun than the relationship me or my sisters have ever had when growing up with our parents.

SpringerS · 05/04/2016 11:58

I know what you mean. I'm an only daughter and my mum and I are, realistically, best friends. My mum is also and only daughter and she and my nana, her mother, are extremely close. I had always envisioned having a daughter and having a similar bond with her. But I only have a son and may not have another child, so I do wonder if it's at all possible for us to have as close a relationship in the future as my mum and I have. Whereas if I had a daughter, I'd automatically presume close friendship would be in our future.

That said, right now my son is always telling me I'm his best friends. And I love him and respect him and hopefully if I continue to, and respect his future partner, one day that will carry over into his adulthood and we'll always be close.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 05/04/2016 12:00

I know what you mean op. (I think) I have 3 DSes. Before I had each one I kind of thought a girl would be nice for the teen/adult they would become. It was neither here nor there for me whether I had a baby girl, toddler girl, child girl.

I like women, and think I get on better with them. Instead life had supplied me with non stop men - two older brothers, live in boyfriend at 19, immediately followed by my next bf now Dh, three sons, and my boy dog!

Ds1 aged 19 loves shopping so we do that together. Other two hate shopping. Ds3 aged 15 hardly speaks, but I suspect some girls don't either.

I do think I would quite have liked having a dd. Ds3 wasn't a disappointment btw, I was very happy to find out he was a boy at his birth.

DixieNormas · 05/04/2016 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 05/04/2016 12:02

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Yakari · 05/04/2016 12:07

I think your problem is defining the mother/child relationship as 'lunches and spas'
Having said that I'm taking my mum to a major rugby game this weekend and a spa the following one! And DH only ever really sees his mum when he takes her out for nice lunches and dinners.
Whichever gender your kid, you must try really hard to be genuinely interested in their passions and you'll stand a good chance to be close - hence my increasing knowledge of computers and gaming which I can assure you is far from how I'd previously choose to spend my time!!
If you like lunches and spas do that with your friends or if they turn out to enjoy them, yes your kids.

ILikeUranus · 05/04/2016 12:07

My brother is my mum's favourite. Maybe it's because I don't like lunches or spas! Although my sisters like that sort of thing and yet they aren't the favourite. I think you're worrying over nothing but silly stereotypes tbh, all sorts of things affect the closeness of your relationship, it realy doesn't depend on the sex of your child.

dentydown · 05/04/2016 12:09

You end up learning so many skills with children though. I have 4 boys and have learnt how to maintain bikes (thanks youtube), make a model of the titanic out of wood, names of dinosaurs (my 6 year old can spell them better than me).

Girlie stuff, I've painted the boy's nails, they've waxed my legs (and enjoyed it a bit too much), baking is always good and so's cooking. My boys also like me to give them foot massages as well

jellybean2000 · 05/04/2016 12:10

My 17 year old boy is much closer to me than I ever was to my own Mum.

We sat in bed this morning drinking tea and talking about Metallica.

SistersOfPercy · 05/04/2016 12:11

I have a 23 year old DS. He lives some way away but we are very close and he often comes back for weekends. Spa's are not my thing (and certainly not his) but we still do a lot of stuff together. We went shopping last weekend, we go and see bands together, we go for meals etc. He whats apps most days when he's bored at work or to share gossip.

DS and I are very similar though, I was 19 when he was born so I think we both did a bit of growing up together. We listen to the same bands, he steals my T Shirts and Hoodies. We've always done things together from when he was old enough to get into the local music venues.

All that said, I have the same relationship with my 18 year old DD too.

AnnaMarlowe · 05/04/2016 12:11

I have a boy and a girl.

My DS is far more physically affectionate than my DD. He's very much a rough and tumble boys boy but he's the one that will tell me he needs even more cuddles and loves to hold my hand.

My Mum and I are very close but wouldn't do a spa day in a million years. 😀

My DH is very close to his Mum much, much closer than most of my female friends are to their Mums.

Little boys are tremendous Best of luck.

PageStillNotFound404 · 05/04/2016 12:11

I think it's easy to look at what you can’t have through rose tinted spectacles, when the reality could just as easily encompass a difficult mother-daughter relationship, a daughter who grows up to be someone with whom you have very little in common, or a daughter who takes a job on the other side of the world.

Enjoy your sons OP, and congrats.

SistersOfPercy · 05/04/2016 12:13

Jellybean he sounds like my boy. I'm still trying to retrieve my favourite Metallica shirt he stole 18 months ago and he'll often appear in my room on a Saturday morning with a cup of tea, telling me to shove up whilst he gets in for a chat. Blush

Narp · 05/04/2016 12:13

It is true that my relationship with my mum has got closer as I've got older, especially since having children, but I don't consider my Primary relationship to be with her; it's with my husband. She is also closer, in some way to my brother. Not in all ways, but in some ways. Different child, different relationship (regardless of gender)

I have 2 boys (teens) and I love the relationship I have with them. And whilst they are very dissimilar in personality to each other, they get on very well, and I can see that continuing in a way that my relationship with my own brother has not.

As others have said, there are as many relationships are there are people.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 05/04/2016 12:15

I have 3 boys. No girls.
I'm very close to all 3 of them :)

ShowOfHands · 05/04/2016 12:16

A day in a spa with my Mum would be hell. 539 scathing remarks about other women's bodies, wilfully misunderstanding everything I say, 67 rounds of "guess who died" (thingy from the laundrette's niece who had the lazy eye and the fling with him from the bingo, her ex father in law. Very sudden apparently. Maud told her. You know, Maud Maud. From the newsagent. House coat and gout. What do you mean you don't care?). Then a chorus of my failings and a bridge dedicated to the wonder that is my brother. Tra la fucking la.

QueenofLouisiana · 05/04/2016 12:17

I go for lunches and shopping trips with my MIL, as does my SIL. We do things that DH and BIL are not interested in and leave the children (all male-there's obviously a lot of testosterone in DH's family!) with their fathers and grandfather.

tilliebob · 05/04/2016 12:17

I have boys and girls. I'd also never do a spa day with my mum Shock. I scratch my heads over the threads on here with women lamenting that they'll never have this mythical close best buddies mother -daughter thing. Maybe because I have both genders, but I never wished and hoped fir a girl tbh although I wouldn't swap her now! My mum and I are very close...but so are my brother and my mum. I don't plan to be an overbearing lunatic MIL and I expect (hope?) that my DS' find women who will take precedence over me. Or men - if they're gay, it's all good too. I don't get the angst on here about having daughters. I don't know if people are desperate to replicate their own relationship with their mums, or get a chance to "do it right" with their own DD's, but it makes me HmmShockConfused

Rikkitikkitemper · 05/04/2016 12:19

None of us know what if any gender our children will identify with when they are adults. It could be that your boys will become girls who love boys and so on and so forth.

kissmelittleass · 05/04/2016 12:21

Every relationship is different and it will vary from one person to another. I have 4 kids 2 girls 2 boys youngest dd nearly 7 oldest dd 22 and 2 boys in between. My relationship with eldest dd at 22 is great we are very close, go shopping , nights out girly chats comes to me first with any problem. My youngest dd at 6 nearly 7 is a girly little thing and at her age mummy is the best thing in the world! My eldest ds is distant was a lovely boy when he was younger very caring, kind a real mummy's boy. Boy did that change in his teens he is late teens now and wouldn't even walk up the road with me now! I can see him staying that way which is sad but it's the way he is. My youngest boy 12 is a quiet nice lad who was mad about mummy till recently the teen hormones have kicked in early and he barely grunts now he has changed too and will not walk down the road with mummy anymore! I am very close to my mum don't do spas or weekends away it's not her thing, my brother lives near to her and us I would say as close to my mum as my dad he always calls round and rings when he can't.He never forgets Mother's Day or birthdays he's very good like that.So all in all as I said it varys with everyone this is just my experience.

Narp · 05/04/2016 12:22

"I expect (hope?) that my DS' find women who will take precedence over me. Or men - if they're gay, it's all good too"

I agree tilliebob. I hope I don't actually despise their choices, but I do agree - it's our job.

GrumpyMcGrumpFace · 05/04/2016 12:24

I have DDs, and I love them both so much. There is a bit of me that would have like to have had a little boy. But then there is also a bit of me that would have liked to have more girls. There is a bit of me that would have liked to have had no children and have had an amazing career and travelled the world. Or possibly saved the world.

My point is, I think it's so natural to have a little yen over what you don't have. Don't feel bad about it, have a little day dream... then move on, and hug the lovely children you do have. You can bet there are a million or more people who would give their eye teeth to be in the position you are, so be happy.

Narp · 05/04/2016 12:24

"I don't know if people are desperate to replicate their own relationship with their mums, or get a chance to "do it right" with their own DD's.."

I also agree with this. I think it's pretty normal to do that unconsciously, but it also behoves us to be aware of doing it, and try not to put our "stuff" on our children

AnyFucker · 05/04/2016 12:24

I am closer to my son than I am to my daughter.

He is more like me and my daughter like H's side of the family.

oldjacksscrote · 05/04/2016 12:25

I've just had my second boy, he's three months now and I don't plan on having any more. I've always had a close relationship with my mum and would have loved to have something like that with a daughter of my own, as that is no longer a possibility, I'm going to have to work towards being an amazing MIL and not becoming anything like my own or the ones I read about on here. (Or secretly hope one of them is gay, they seem to stay close to their mums IME)