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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to resent his newly slim female friend?

103 replies

justamum80 · 04/04/2016 03:50

I had a baby last year at the age of 35 and while I love being a mum, I feel I have totally changed from an attractive, fit put together woman to an overweight mummy being who is lucky to have on anything clean never mind put together! My husband has a close female friend who he's been close to since uni. She is a nice person and I like her and I suppose itis a bit shallow of me because I never really felt she was any threat because she was always overweight and frumpy. However in the past year she has gone gluten free, lost loads of weight, started working out, and overhaulled her appearance and she looks amazing, and very young she is actually older than me but she easily looks like she is in her 20's. She doesn't have any kids.

Aibu because I now resent her spending time with my husband? It didn't used to bother me in the past but now she is attractive and I'm at my lowest ebb looks wise and energy wise I worry that my husband is bound to "notice" her sooner or later?

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 04/04/2016 04:07

I think I would feel the same ATM op- I'm still carrying the extra baby weight and not feeling confident at the moment so I think I would feel a bit wobbly about this too. I'm sure that actually this woman is no threat to you- your Dh and her have been friends for years without having anything but a friendship connection.
Do you not go when they are meeting up? Would that not reassure you.

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 04/04/2016 04:17

Yes YABU and you know it.

  1. If you were really attractive, fit and well put together woman less than two years ago I can't believe PG has turned you into an enormous unattractive whale, just a slightly plumper version of yourself.

  2. Your husband's friend has probably had years of low self esteem comparing herself to women like you and now she is like you, you can't even feel pleased for her. Are you the kind of woman who only likes to bye around other women they can feel superior to? Because that's how you sound.

Original poster
justamum80 · 04/04/2016 04:25

I am sure myself that she is no threat to our relationship, I just hate the though of my husband noticing her and comparing us or that he might start fancying her, he's already very fond of her. I do sometimes go with them or she just comes and hangs out with us at home. It would seem weird and desperate of me to suddenly want to go with them all the time and he's really been great so far with the baby, he does a lot. I need to stop thinking about this and get some sleep.

OP posts:
Runningupthathill82 · 04/04/2016 05:49

YABU, but you know that. Give your husband some credit - are you seriously saying he's that shallow that he's going to suddenly start preferring this old friend to his own wife, just because she's lost a bit of weight?

Sounds to me like the problem is your own lack of self-esteem. Having a baby doesn't mean you can't be "attractive, fit, and put together" any more, so why don't you focus on feeling better about yourself - and losing weight, if that's what you want - rather than fixating on this other woman?

Saying "I never really felt she was any threat because she was always overweight and frumpy" is bloody mean, too.

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 04/04/2016 05:59

I know someone who lost her husband to a women she didn't consider to be threat because she was too fat. The OW was a attractive, warm and lovely person who was about a size 14 and the wife as a slim size 8, attractive, shallow, mean bitch. But so long as she was slim it just never occurred to her that to win in life you need also to be nice.

The thing that outraged and bewildered her most about her Husbands affair was that he'd had the audacity to fall for someone two stone overweight.

There's a lesson there somewhere.

whattheseithakasmean · 04/04/2016 06:31

TippyTappy surely the only lesson is that the husband is a disgusting cheat and other woman has the morals of a sewer rat? Nice bit of victim blaming - it served her right her husband cheated on her because she was size 8 - I've heard it all now.

OP, you sound like you are still coming to terms with the physical changes that have taken place and it does take time to feel like your body is your own again after having a baby, especially if you are breastfeeding. I think you should tell your DH how you feel, I am assuming he is a decent man because you married him and will be very sorry to think he could inadvertently be making you unhappy.

I think it is better to talk things through and get them out in the open, otherwise they can fester and make you feel worse over time. Congratulations on your baby.

IslandCanary · 04/04/2016 06:54

YABU. She is still the same person: his friend. Is he not allowed to have female friends who are slim and attractive?

I think the issue lies with how you feel about yourself. If you're unhappy with how you look, why not change it? Lose weight, make the effort to dress nicely, get your hair done etc. I had a baby 7months ago and started feeling frumpy until I put the effort into looking nice again! I got my hair cut short and straight-permed to save time, get my eyebrows threaded regularly and take 3mins to apply light make-up every day. When baby's in bed I wash my clothes and put together a few outfits (I get through at least one change a day as he has reflux so have plenty of spares ready to put on!) My shape has changed a bit but I exercise and lost the baby weight. I wear smart tunic-dresses with leggings a lot so they're easy to change and comfortable. We go to buggy-fit, mum-and-baby yoga, swimming and walk a lot with the pram. I'm part of a baby walking group, it's great fun and I'm more toned now then pre-baby!

Don't use motherhood as an excuse for not taking care of yourself. There will always be women you're envious of, but if you look and feel your best you won't feel threatened by them.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/04/2016 06:58

Luckily my dh doesn't agree that men and women can just be great mates! Phew........

I feel for you as the situation would make me uncomfortable too!

Not a lot you can do about it though except get yourself back into shape to see if that makes you feel better

curren · 04/04/2016 07:10

Yabu. You know you are and that's a start.

Do you really think your husband never had an affair with her simply because she carried extra weight?

She is no threat to your marriage. Do you think your husband is that shallow, to sit and compare his wife to his friend? Did he do that before and think 'yay my wife is more attractive than my friend'?

This is about how you feel about yourself and the worth you put on yourself being fit and well put together. It's obviously is something that meant a lot to you. Nothing wrong with that, most of us have at some point. It meant a lot to me too. But I learnt to find my worth elsewhere, which then led me to getting back to how I was. Weird but once I felt worth more than how I looked I was happier, dealt with the weight, got fitter, started looking after myself. All this is easier the older your baby gets as well.

How old is your baby?

Buddahbelly · 04/04/2016 07:13

As someone else said it sounds like its probably just your low self esteem, and thats caused by your body changing in a way you probably didn't expect it to ( i know i bloody did not!).

Forget about them for a bit, they've been friends for years, she's changed her body and probably got a lot healthier in the process, thats a really positive thing and she should be congratulated for it - But you sound like you need to concentrate on you for a while.

I'd also recommend posting on the style & beauty board for some advice on dressing a post pregnancy body to its best - they were really lovely to me after id had ds and my stomach decided to stay wobbly for longer than necessary, its a quick fix but that little boost gave me the bit of confidence i needed to feel marginally closer to my old self. In time i joined the gym barely going once a week due to having nobody to watch ds, but still once a week made me feel heaps better.

MistressDeeCee · 04/04/2016 07:33

YANBU you are being human. I flatly refuse to believe women who say they wouldn't think about it, thats just a "sounds good" thing (unless of course they don't love/care about their OH thats a different story). When you feel at your lowest ebb looks style and weight wise then you see an very attractive woman spending time with your DH you are bound to have a pang. It doesn't mean they're up to anything but you'd have to be a living saint not to feel it. I agree with the style and beauty boards suggestion I went to pot after I had DD2, took me a good while to get round to fixing myself up I must admit but small steps..I got there. Not miss super-slim but a big improvement on the old me, and it made me feel a whole lot better

MorrisZapp · 04/04/2016 07:35

This reminds me of an old episode of To the Manor Born where Audrey's old schoolfriend Podge Hodge was coming to stay. She merrily arranged for Podge to sleep up at the big house as Richard (?) had more room, but then had a hairy fit when Podge turned up and.... was no longer remotely podgy.

I think he still preferred Audrey :)

StealthPolarBear · 04/04/2016 07:44

" he's really been great so far with the baby, he does a lot. "
That's good. I hope he says the same about you :)

splendide · 04/04/2016 07:56

Feels like a reverse tbh

pearlylum · 04/04/2016 08:08

OP - trust your instincts.

I would be uncomfortable at my OH having a "close female friend". How close are they?

DinosaursRoar · 04/04/2016 08:16

If your DH was very attracted to you as a slim woman, if his "type" has always been thin woman, then it would be perfectly natural for you to fear that he didn't fancy his female friend in the past as she "wasn't his type", but that now she is, and you aren't anymore. Have you got the impression in the past that she was interested in your DH but you didn't worry as you didn't think he could find her attractive?

However, there's more to attraction that just physical appearance, you are still the woman he loves, and it may well be that even though his friend is now thin and making more of an effort with her appearance, your DH genuinely doesn't see it.

Work on your own confidence, if you are not feeling "put together" is it because you've not learned to dress your new body shape to it's best? (I was a size 6 before DCs, it took me a long time to work out how to dress a body that doesn't have a tiny waist).

curren · 04/04/2016 08:23

I would be uncomfortable at my OH having a "close female friend". How close are they?

They have been friends since uni. The point is she only had a problem since the friend lost weight.

How is that ok? You can have a female friend as long as she isn't attractive.

pearlylum · 04/04/2016 08:35

curren are you asking me a question ?

CombineBananaFister · 04/04/2016 08:38

YABU to assume someone couldn't possibly be a threat to just because they were overweight and frumpy, that makes you sound a little bit smug and shallow.

Having said that I can totally understand you feeling a bit insecure now you don't feel or think you look your best, for that YANBU, its quite normal. Am sure though, your relationship with DH is based on more than you having to be a size 8 and its just the selfesteem talking. If its really getting you down try and do a few little things for yourself that make you feel a bit more like your normal self.

Plus, it's not like this women s attitude/personality has changed is it? just her appearance and as long as she isn't suddenly acting all superior to you, I wouldn't worry.

RubbleBubble00 · 04/04/2016 08:42

it's really hard. I'd struggle if dh had a close female friend as many great relationships and marriages start that way, so I'd be a little worried.

MrsBobDylan · 04/04/2016 08:54

You need to focus on yourself and building up your self esteem, not this woman's weight as there is no solution there for you.

After ds3, I went away with 3 close female friends for 3 nights and whereas I had a 14 month old and he was my 3rd child, they had their last baby a few years before and all looked amazing in bikinis.

I confess to feeling way worse about my extra couple of stone and really wobbly bits and c-section weird pouch thing (that was neatly hidden by my floppy tummy ha ha!).

I also admit to feeling resentful that for years I'd been a good weight and toned and now it was their time to shine. But over the next 18 months I have made small steps to loosing weight and I swim once a week. I feel much better about myself. My friends still look fab but I can be happy for them instead of it making me feel like I've somehow failed.

HoundoftheBaskervilles · 04/04/2016 08:56

YABVU, and I think you know it, DH has many female friends that he's had since Uni and they are just that, friends, I doubt any change in appearance would even register with him, as it wouldn't with his male friends.

If he had a NEW female friend who he was suddenly spending loads of time with that's a whole different kettle of fish.

But old friends for years with not a whiff of sex in the relationship? Not a problem.

raisedbyguineapigs · 04/04/2016 09:07

Do you think her friendship with your DH is preventing her from meeting her own partner? I only say this because i had a friend who did the same thing. her best friend was a married man with children. She hung out with him in bars, she didn't really need her own partner because he was there to give her a male perspective and company, she didn't have to go out on her own, she had a laugh with him, but he then went home to his wife and kids. the wife didn't like him spending so much time in the pub with her when she was at home with the kids so she was ditched. If you have low self esteem and low energy and have just had a baby, your DH should be more considerate.

catsinthecraddle · 04/04/2016 09:12

YANBU

It's really hard when your body changes badly after having a baby. Some women look fine, some don' t mind, but others feel awful (PND, or just exhaustion, long birth recovery, baby who doesn't sleep when others do, whatever the reason).

You can't do anything about that woman, and you know that. Focus on yourself. If you don't like your image, take small steps to change it back. If your baby is around a year, things will start to improve: they get more independent, you have a lot more time to do things, so you get your evenings/ nap time back to take care of yourself.

Improve your diet, get a haircut, relax. Good luck, I am sure you will get back to your pre-baby self very quickly now, just take one step at a time.

shovetheholly · 04/04/2016 09:12

Of course YABU about her. But it comes from a place where you feel really low and down about yourself, and that concerns me.

What really worries me the most is that, for you, this is all about how you people to others - not how you feel within yourself. You don't need me to tell you the old cliche, that you should want to feel good for you, not for male attention. I wonder if behind this there is something more serious: that you simply need a bit of time for yourself, to do something that makes you feel good - whether that's going to the gym, or having someone else babysit while you go to evening classes and learn a new skill. It's so easy for mums of young 'uns to fall into a pattern where their sense of selfhood is refracted through the eyes of others (their children, other parents, their DH) and to lose a sense of personhood in their own right.