Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to resent his newly slim female friend?

103 replies

justamum80 · 04/04/2016 03:50

I had a baby last year at the age of 35 and while I love being a mum, I feel I have totally changed from an attractive, fit put together woman to an overweight mummy being who is lucky to have on anything clean never mind put together! My husband has a close female friend who he's been close to since uni. She is a nice person and I like her and I suppose itis a bit shallow of me because I never really felt she was any threat because she was always overweight and frumpy. However in the past year she has gone gluten free, lost loads of weight, started working out, and overhaulled her appearance and she looks amazing, and very young she is actually older than me but she easily looks like she is in her 20's. She doesn't have any kids.

Aibu because I now resent her spending time with my husband? It didn't used to bother me in the past but now she is attractive and I'm at my lowest ebb looks wise and energy wise I worry that my husband is bound to "notice" her sooner or later?

OP posts:
oliviaclottedcream · 04/04/2016 09:25

That's a bit harsh TippyTappyLappyToppy

The OP is feeling insecure , frumpy and a bit paranoid but that's quite natural. At least she's aware and honest enough to post on this!

As catsin said, just take it step by step OP. At 1 year they really put you through the ringer.. Your confidence will come back and trust your DP. This type of cynicism isn't good for your health and well being - but I'm sure you know that!

Member251061 · 04/04/2016 09:26

I lost lots of weight and my husband had an affair with a frumpy, larger, older woman. It's easy to worry about appearances but you're the mother of his baby, not her.

Perhaps he could go out with you and the other lady, rather than on his own with her?

Try to enjoy this time with your baby rather than worry about anything else, which is a lot easier said than done.
All the very best.

MistressDeeCee · 04/04/2016 09:54

When I see these "close female friend" situation and its all supposed to be just fine it does make me wonder if its ok in reverse ie if the woman in the relationship has a "close male friend" she hangs out with, and her DH is at home with baby. Is it just fine then? Only that situation never seems to arise. Whilst I wouldn't say there's anything going on Id like to think if I was a new mum and felt a bit down, frumpy etc, my DH would notice and the time he spends with female friend, spend it with me. Partner 1st friend 2nd, and thats that. Opposite sex friendship are a minefield one or the other in the friendship always likes to give themself "high status" as if they should be on a par with the wife/husband anyway.

Keletubbie · 04/04/2016 09:56

I'm single. My best friend is a chap. Not to be rude but... I am far younger and more attractive than his wife.

But she's his wife and I'm his friend and that's just how it is.

TheNaze73 · 04/04/2016 09:56

I think you are being unreasonable. If they have been friends that long, you should know she's not a threat. He chose you & all that entails. Just be happy for her Smile

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 04/04/2016 10:03

This isn't about her or him. This is about your own feeling of self worth. By projecting the negative thoughts onto her you are deflecting what you feel about yourself.
You are still the same person you were pre pregnancy, you have just changed your focus. You can be that person again.

curren · 04/04/2016 11:17

curren are you asking me a question ?

No, just shocked by the attitude that people should drop friends of the opposite sex as when they settle down. Or even years later just because their partner says so.

Imonlydancing · 04/04/2016 11:39

Totally unreasonable.

I have been fat and thin. I always felt that some friends changed towards me when I was thinner and now I know attitudes like yours exist, I am confident it was to do with my weightloss and how people perceived me. I know you have just had a baby and are probably feeling mixed up but you must see that that attitude is completely shallow.

She is the exact same person she was before. She looks good; Don't begrudge her that, she has worked hard for it. And if your husband does fancy her now she looks different, well he's unreasonable and shallow too.

ILovePies · 04/04/2016 12:10

This isn't about her, it's about you feeling insecure in yourself.
I think you need to sit down with DH, tell him exactly how you are feeling and tell him you know you're being unreasonable.
You need to explain that you don't believe for one second anything will happen but you feel disgusting in yourself & need some reassurance.
I have been exactly where you are, and I know the issue is how I feel about myself not my trust in DP. Thanks for you, I know it's a shit feeling!

Whatthefoxgoingon · 04/04/2016 12:25

You're very silly to think her weight loss has anything to do with it. If your husband was attracted to her and wanted to cheat, her weight wouldn't be a factor. Unless he was some dick that wanted to shag any old skinny woman he saw. In which case you've got bigger problems. So really, don't worry!

Whatwhatinthewhatnow · 04/04/2016 13:14

So when she was fat, she was ugly enough not to be a threat to you but now she's slim, you are worried your husband will go off with her. Ok. Way to call every one who is overweight unattractive. Hmm

There is more to beauty than weight.

catsinthecraddle · 04/04/2016 13:27

Whatwhatinthewhatnow

it's not gender related, but I am afraid most people don't find frumpy and overweight people remotely attractive!

bananafish81 · 04/04/2016 13:28

I certainly can't speak for the woman in question as I don't know her particular circumstances, but as a childless woman (not single) I am so, so envious of my friends with families, and I would swap being a slim size 8 for baby weight in a heartbeat.

If you're childless (rather than child free), it's often pretty lonely, as you don't necessarily see your friends any more. The distinction I make is childless meaning you want to have kids but can't (ie infertility) vs happily enjoying life without children. Friends with kids are part of a club we're not members of, because their social lives - quite understandably - revolve around their kids lives, so play dates, birthday parties, NCT friends etc. I don't really see my friends very often, which is understandable, but quite lonely. And I don't fit in with my child free friends, because I'm not living a wild and crazy exciting life. I do exercise and the like because I don't really see my friends much. It doesn't make me particularly happy.

I have no idea if that is the case with this friend of your husband's. But just to say it's possible she is as envious of you as you are of her.

Whatwhatinthewhatnow · 04/04/2016 13:39

Catsinthecradle That's not at all true. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just because you and OP cannot look past what a person looks like or wears, doesn't mean that others don't value other attributes like kindness and humour.

Not everyone wants a shallow partner who might be slim but judges everyone around them on what they look like. Give me fat and frumpy over that anyday!

HelenaDove · 04/04/2016 16:53

Im a size 12/ 14 Tippy Tappy I was a size 28 Ive lost 10 stone to get down to a 12/ 14. So thanks for that Hmm

OP Im coming at this from the woman who has lost weight. If i had a married male friend who suddenly started showing interest in me now but hadnt shown any before not only would i think he was a cheat i would also think he was a shallow bastard and i would tell him to fuck off.

It sounds to me like you are just feeling a bit anxious and unless your H is a shallow knob i dont think you have anything to worry about.

HelenaDove · 04/04/2016 16:57

im a UK 12/14 btw

catsinthecraddle · 04/04/2016 18:02

Whatwhatinthewhatnow

The OP is obviously having a bad year and not feeling like herself. It's completely understandable, but it's only temporary. She will get her energy and old self back. In the meantime, when you feel low, you don't need someone to make you feel worst.

I don't know anyone who doesn't make judgement on appearances. I can't be with someone who is not at least as interested in sport as I am. Everybody can have step back for one reason or another, but I just can't understand how someone can be happy with being fat. Call me shallow if you like.

Whatwhatinthewhatnow · 04/04/2016 18:33

It doesn't sound like a new attitude to be fair.

I suppose itis a bit shallow of me because I never really felt she was any threat because she was always overweight and frumpy

OP, you can lose your baby weight but this attitude of larger women being inferior to slimmer ones will remain and that's not very nice.

catsinthecradle You are shallow and body negative. Anyone can be happy, regardless of their size. Linking your happiness to your appearance is pretty short sighted and frivolous as the OP has found out now that she isn't looking her best.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 04/04/2016 18:41

I've been the fat one turned thin. I remember my managers wife (also at the company) becoming really vindictive and horrible towards me on a Christmas do because her husband was talking to me. I was only 18, he was almost retired so there was no way I was interested (although she was in her 30's). It was awful, I'd never felt so judged for doing absolutely nothing.

Justamom you can lose the weight. Everyone feels frumpy after birth, it just takes a while to get back to yourself. You have a new baby, try and take your happiness from that. It should have nothing to do with this woman - who might be able to give you some tips or you could train together?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/04/2016 19:17

TippyTappy said the slim 8 stone woman was a mean bitch, whatthese, and that the OW wasn't mean. The affair was wrong, sure, but the fact that the slim woman lost her husband was surely down to her manner rather than her size? It's not victim-blaming and in any event nobody really knows the background to that one.

I got what TippyTappy was saying anyway.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/04/2016 19:22

MrsBobDylan, that's a really good attitude to have, I bet you look fab too. :)

SurroMummy13 · 04/04/2016 19:35

Aw hun of course you feel this way.

But maybe if you want to feel attractive again try and work out a little more. I now it's difficult and I've been putting it off for the last 3 years since I had my baby girl but in the last 3 days I've been for 3 long walks that's taken me around 10 miles total - can feel the benefit already xx

TippyTappyLappyToppy · 04/04/2016 19:36

Lying that is exactly it, thank you.

Helena I am not saying that I think someone is too fat being a size 14, I'm saying that the size 8 woman I knew had that attitude and that, to her at least, anyoe over a size 12 or so was not a threat to her. Boy was she wrong.

wickedbodies · 04/04/2016 19:45

Use these emotions to focus on getting fit again!

HelenaDove · 04/04/2016 19:47

In that case i apologise Tippy.

cats i couldnt date a Tory or a UKipper.