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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to resent his newly slim female friend?

103 replies

justamum80 · 04/04/2016 03:50

I had a baby last year at the age of 35 and while I love being a mum, I feel I have totally changed from an attractive, fit put together woman to an overweight mummy being who is lucky to have on anything clean never mind put together! My husband has a close female friend who he's been close to since uni. She is a nice person and I like her and I suppose itis a bit shallow of me because I never really felt she was any threat because she was always overweight and frumpy. However in the past year she has gone gluten free, lost loads of weight, started working out, and overhaulled her appearance and she looks amazing, and very young she is actually older than me but she easily looks like she is in her 20's. She doesn't have any kids.

Aibu because I now resent her spending time with my husband? It didn't used to bother me in the past but now she is attractive and I'm at my lowest ebb looks wise and energy wise I worry that my husband is bound to "notice" her sooner or later?

OP posts:
Jooli · 05/04/2016 12:11

Yanbu, this would bother me too.

AwadebumboMk2 · 05/04/2016 12:12

Clear to you Whatis but to everyone else on the thread it seems abundantly clear that you have misunderstood the post and are digging your heels in when it has been pointed out to you.

whattheseithakasmean · 05/04/2016 12:16

I think the worst thing is the implication that if the wife had the sense to feel threatened by the OW (urgh, why should women have to feel threatened by each other?) she could have prevented the affair. How? By putting him on a choke chain and barking 'heel' whenever he saw his size 14 friend? Yes, I think ghastly sums up that point of view quite nicely.

AwadebumboMk2 · 05/04/2016 12:21

You are being obtuse now, I think you're just trying to be goady.

plimsolls · 05/04/2016 12:21

OP
Yanbu to feel insecure and worried about the changes to your body and lifestyle since having your DC. I suspect it's very natural to feel the way you do about yourself and your relationship.

Yabu to project that on to this woman (particularly now she is slim!). It's not fair on her or your dp.

FWIW, I don't think men put as much stock in weight loss and slimness as women do. I mean, I don't think a woman losing weight miraculously makes them more attractive to a man (particularly not if they are already friends)

If it helps to reassure, I have many close male friends and there is not and has never been a spark or hint of romance. The thing that makes friendships and the chemistry that makes relationships are two completely different things, in my opinion and my experience. OH also has lots of female friends. I'm not jealous / neither OH nor his friend behave in a way that makes me think I should be. Their gender is not reason enough in itself.

revealall · 05/04/2016 12:23

Just to get it back to the Op...

I think the point is not that the friend has lost weight but that she has become interested in looking attractive.
There are just as many thin frumpy badly dressed women as there are large women that make an effort and look stunning.
For all those that say she is the same woman, I disagree. Something has triggered the change in motivation. I shouldn't think it's your husband but I can see why this has triggered your insecurities.

bigbarns · 05/04/2016 12:38

And the prize for the most stubborn poster of the day goes to......

stairway · 05/04/2016 12:40

Yanbu. I wouldn't want my husband spending a lot of time with an attractive women especially just after a baby when men are more likely to stray.

plimsolls · 05/04/2016 12:43

I'm very glad most of my male friends don't have partners who are jealous and want to control who they are friends with.

For those of you who "wouldn't want" your dp being friends with a woman (attractive or otherwise) is there anything that woman/your OH could do that would let you allow it? This is a genuine question and not a goad.

Runningupthathill82 · 05/04/2016 12:53

Ffs Stairway. That kind of attitude really winds me up.
I've just had a baby. My husband has lots of female friends - and yes, attractive ones.

This doesn't bother me because:
A) I'm not jealous
B) My husband is not a dickhead who judges women solely on how they look
And c) I know that men and women can be just friends.

Believeitornot · 05/04/2016 12:56

Yanbu OP but it is more about you than her or your dh?

I found that I had more energy to get back in to shape after my second DC was sleeping better and I'd got settled back in to work. Now I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/04/2016 13:02

Agree Runningupthathill82, some viewpoints on this thread are just so narrow and such a sorry attitude for a woman to have.

Pinkheart5915 · 05/04/2016 13:03

I wouldn't resent her spending time with him, they have been close since uni and men and women can be excellent friends. She may of lost weight and gave herself a make over but I don't see how that makes her a threat.

I think the real problem here is your not happy with how your body's changed after pregnancy and seeing her made over and slim reminds you of your old self.
So think about yourself not his friend, eating well along with running around after your baby and you can become more body confident.

Pinkheart5915 · 05/04/2016 13:04

Agree runningupthathill82

bananafish81 · 05/04/2016 13:05

stairway I have several very good friends who are male, who are longstanding friends from university. I am a slim size 8, as apparently that makes a difference according to you. It's really saddened me how I've mostly lost touch with one very good friend, because his now-wife has the attitude you do. We used to meet up for a drink or dinner every now and then - my now-husband was always perfectly happy for me to catch up with old friends, male or female. The clue is friend. My husband doesn't really know them and doesn't feel the need to attach to me like a limpet wherever I go, so doesn't particularly want to come for a drink or dinner with someone he doesn't have much in common with.

Unfortunately my friend's now-wife was not so keen on our friendship - she sometimes came along for a drink / dinner, which was never a problem as I was very happy to get to know her. But mostly she didn't like him seeing another woman socially, and made this perfectly clear. We have been friends for 15 years, I don't have designs on him. He's a mate. He's never made a play for me. If for some unknown reason one day he did, well then he would be swiftly dropped as a mate because he would have suddenly become a bastard who would cheat on his wife and the mother of his child.

It's sad when friendships get cut off because of jealous fears that have no grounding in reality. If she has worries about her husband straying then presumably every woman is a threat?

curren · 05/04/2016 13:11

Yanbu, this would bother me too.

why though?

All these people saying they wouldn't like their dh to have a female friend, why not?

The OP was fine with the friendship until the woman became more attractive. Is that really ok? 'you can have females friends as long as I don't think they are more attractive than me'

AwadebumboMk2 · 05/04/2016 13:34

OP I think this is more about you and the fact you are not feeling yourself after having a baby. When I want to slim down/tone up I set myself a goal not to see how much weight I can lose but to see how much exercise I can do.

I think it's sad that some people thin men and women can't be friends
I have a male friend who actually stopped seeing his girlfriend after she said that she was unhappy about his female friendships and wanted him to cut ties, even though he met all of his female friends before he started going out with her and all but me are married. Normally he is marshmallow soft but on this he toughened right up.

WetLettuce123 · 05/04/2016 13:46

YANBU. Use this as a push to get yourself back to a place where you feel confident and attractive then you won't worry.

stairway · 05/04/2016 15:58

Banafish being size 8 is irrelevant to me. I do think once you get married your wife or husband should be the most important person in your life.
Sometimes men and women can be just friends sometimes they can't. I wouldn't personaly want to for out the hard way but each to their own.

stairway · 05/04/2016 16:01

Running you say your husband does not judge women on how they look? Do you mean he doesn't notice if his female friends are attractive or not? I suspect he does like most men.

bananafish81 · 05/04/2016 16:10

Stairway I completely agree. My husband is the most important person in my life. I would hope that my friend's wife is the most important person in his.

But that doesn't mean I don't have friends that I care about. Female and male. It's not like a cup of sugar, where because I care most about my husband, I therefore have to care about my friends less

It doesn't matter whether the friends are male or female. They're friends

We're not newly met skirting round the 'ooh do I fancy them or not'

We've been mates since uni. My friends are like brothers and sisters. I don't want to shag any of my brother or sisters, nor my mates

It's very sad that you seem to think that being a loving partner means you have to care less about your friends

stairway · 05/04/2016 16:16

Being a loving partner means friends are less important if they are affecting the partner/ marriage like in the op.

curren · 05/04/2016 16:20

I do think once you get married your wife or husband should be the most important person in your life.

Not sure if I agree with this. When I making decisions or course I think of dh and the kids.

But if dh said to me 'curren your best friend of many years has lost weight, I demand you end the friendship' I can say that I wouldn't.

Dh does not get to dictate my relationships. However I would want to know why he felt like this and help he deal with those feelings.

Telling people who they can and can't be friends with based on what they weigh or their level of attractiveness, is very controlling, imo.

Had the woman in question made a pass at the dh or actually done something to the OP, then I could see that point of view. But all she has done is lose some weight.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/04/2016 16:24

stairway, that's SO unfair. OP's husband's friend is only affecting the partner/marriage because she exists, takes in oxygen... nothing else has changed except her dress size. Husband and friends were also so.

I really didn't think women were like this except in humourless jokes. Tethering a partner to you and affixing horse blinkers will NOT keep them loyal to you... only their inbuilt barriers will do that.

Wow. Shock

bananafish81 · 05/04/2016 16:24

stairway Again I don't disagree. I didn't expect my friend to see me if it made his wife upset

But it's sad that we can't be friends because his wife doesn't like him to have female friends

It's sad that her jealousy makes her not trust her husband

It's sad that she thinks so little of her husband's friends that she thinks they would do anything sexually or romantically with him knowing that he was married

I think it is very sad if marriage means you have to cut ties with old friends.

I would absolutely hate my husband to cut off ties with his female friends just because we are married

Friends who have been in his life for years. And who've known him longer than I have

If he had to give those people up just because I felt threatened by the presence of any other woman in his life, I don't think that would say very much about me as an individual, nor about the trust in our marriage

Should we ensure we don't work closely with colleagues of a different sex in case our spouses are uncomfortable with this too?