AIBU to resent his newly slim female friend?

[justamum80]

I had a baby last year at the age of 35 and while I love being a mum, I feel I have totally changed from an attractive, fit put together woman to an overweight mummy being who is lucky to have on anything clean never mind put together! My husband has a close female friend who he's been close to since uni. She is a nice person and I like her and I suppose itis a bit shallow of me because I never really felt she was any threat because she was always overweight and frumpy. However in the past year she has gone gluten free, lost loads of weight, started working out, and overhaulled her appearance and she looks amazing, and very young she is actually older than me but she easily looks like she is in her 20's. She doesn't have any kids.

Aibu because I now resent her spending time with my husband? It didn't used to bother me in the past but now she is attractive and I'm at my lowest ebb looks wise and energy wise I worry that my husband is bound to "notice" her sooner or later?

When I see these "close female friend" situation and its all supposed to be just fine it does make me wonder if its ok in reverse ie if the woman in the relationship has a "close male friend" she hangs out with, and her DH is at home with baby. Is it just fine then?

My best friend is a man and has been for about 4 years. Dh doesn't have an issue with it. If he all of a sudden he did have a problem because my friend lost weight, I wouldn't drop my friend.

Husbands or wives do not have the right to dictate who you can be friends with. If there is a a reason or the friend has done something, I can see why someone would have an issue. But all this woman has done is lost some weight.

tippytappy but at least it sounds like the size 8 woman had morals, unlike the nasty piece of work who would shag a married man. Joke is on the fat lass - she ended up with the lying piece of shit and hopefully the ex wife got to have a lovely time sharing her slim body with a decent man instead

Oh how lovely..........size 14 = fat lass. Fucking MN!

Husbands or wives do not have the right to dictate who you can be friends with. If there is a a reason or the friend has done something, I can see why someone would have an issue. But all this woman has done is lost some weight.

This, if a partner ever said 'it is your female friend or me' my response would be, 'cheerio then' . I'm a bit of a doormat about some things but if someone wanted me to end a long term friendship on their say so, they aren't someone I would want to be in a relationship with.

Helena in the nicest possible way, it's not always about you.

I have seen you on many threads talking about your weight loss and getting angry when anyone describes someone who's a size 14 as overweight. Of course it's not on the same scale as being a size 28 - however, just because you've had the experience of going from one to the other doesn't mean that a size 14 is skinny!

I'm 5 ft 7 and a size 10 and feel too big at this size, I'd rather be an 8 as I was a few months ago. It's all relative. Don't take it so personally!

Fair enough Meredith I know i take it too personally sometimes but it does bring back memories of being told that you never quite measure up. And whatthese post does place a value on a woman that is based on her dress size.

I know a size 14 isnt skinny though. I never said it was.

Just to remind some posters that it is about shape rather than size.
I know quite a few 'slim" looking size 14/16 and quite a few 'chubby' looking size 10's.
It s all about the height and body shape.
Op, if your Dh wanted to be with this woman he would have been .
Do you feel threatened by her self confidence?

whatthese post does place a value on a woman that is based on her dress size.

Actually, compared to the ghastly TrippyTrappy I emphasised the slack ethical compass of the size 14 woman over her weight. Being over a size 8 doesn't make sleeping with someone else's husband OK. And being married to a size 8 woman doesn't give you licence to cheat with a fatter lady. It is TrippyTrappy who thinks the weight difference somehow makes infidelity OK.

That is absolutely not what I said or what I meant. I never once justified his or her infidelity nor did i cast any judgement on it - none of us know what goes on in other people's marriages to make them do what they do.

I could just as easily have changed that story and told it as two friends, one fat one thin, both fancying the same single man and the thin one feeling totally confident that her fatter friend never stood a chance up against her and then being totally flabbergasted to find he'd asked out the fatter friend. Then I wouldn't have been flamed or called ghastly just because I happen to know some people who had an affair. The moral of my story was nothing to do with infidelity and whether or not the wife deserved it, and everything to do with not judging others by your same shallow standards or having too high an opinion of yourself. There's self esteem then there is smug arrogance.

My point, for those too dim or too obtuse to see it, was that sometimes very image-obsessed women can get a little too fond of the notion that being slim puts them on some sort of higher plane to fat women. They don't view them as any sort of competition or threat where men are concerned and that can sometimes be a grave misjudgement. It assumes not only that all men are attracted to exactly the same thing, but also that the only thing that matters where attraction is whether you conform to the ideal standard, rather than your personality, your intellect, your charisma, and just good old fashioned sexual chemistry with another person - there really is no accounting for that. Lots of people end up wildly in love or lust with people they may not initially have pegged as their 'type'.

I think the OP needs to realise that if her husband had any sort of sexual chemistry with his friend it would have manifested itself long ago regardless of whether she was fat or thin, and the fact that she's lost weight is highly unlikely to make any difference whatsoever now.

However, I do find it quite offensive that the OP has previously dismissed her as competition purely on account of being fatter than the OP, and in her opinion plainer.

I think women who think that way need to reign in that smugness a tad, lest it comes back to bite them.

TrippyTrappy I got your point. I thought it was quite clear.

"My point, for those too dim or too obtuse to see it, was that sometimes very image-obsessed women can get a little too fond of the notion that being slim puts them on some sort of higher plane to fat women. They don't view them as any sort of competition or threat where men are concerned and that can sometimes be a grave misjudgement."

Perhaps what's wrong is the very impulse that some women have to compete with one another for male attention? Or to regard a man's affair as a judgement on a woman's attractiveness, rather than as grade A wankbaggery on the guy's part.

(Not arguing with you tippy - I think we may be saying the same thing in different ways).

Agreeing with TippyTappy again; I think there's quite a bit of irrelevant projecting going on in this thread and the use of the word 'ghastly' to describe a poster who has done nothing whatsoever to warrant it wherethere, was really unfair of you.

whatthese not wherethere

I maintain it is ghastly to tell a story which basically says a woman deserved to get cheated on because she was slim. Really, it seems like a woman can be forgiven anything apart from being thinner than you. As shovetheholly said, a man's cheating shouldn't be used as a judgement on a woman's attractiveness.

That is so obviously not what the 'moral' of the story was.

I am a tall, slim gym bunny, by the way. So not biased.

So what was the moral of that nasty little tale? Somehow it managed to be the poor wife's fault she was cheated on, for not keeping a tighter grip of her skanky man around chubby women. I mean, seriously?

You've completely misunderstood, whatthese and despite being told that, you're carrying on running with that. You owe TippyTappy an apology because what you're asserting is not at all what she said and you were unnecessarily rude.

Read Tippy's post again:

• Wife was slim (irrelevant) but MEAN
• OW was not slim (also irrelevant) and NOT MEAN

Size of both women is a red carrot.

Affair (inexcusable) might have been precipitated by mean behaviour. Relationship ending excusable (for any reason really).

OW was not slim (also irrelevant) and NOT MEAN

OW sounds pretty mean to me - she slept with a married man! However, apparently that is OK because she was fatter than the wife? Otherwise, I cannot understand why TrippyTrappy bought weight into the unpleasant tale. We have no reason to know the OP is mean or the friend is lovely, so what, precisely, is the relevance (apart from a sly dig at a size 8 woman)?

Yes, because that's exactly what I said. It's FINE to have an affair and sleep with a married man. I said exactly that, clear as day...

We're not actually talking about the OP, you realise that, yes? We're talking about TippyTappy's post. You know, the poster you insulted and called 'ghastly'?

Yup, and I stand by my ghastly comment. Excusing an affair is vile.

No one excused an affair.

Why are you so desperately trying to derail the thread?

whatthese - Ahhh, I see what you're saying. I don't think tippy was intending to say that the infidelity was OK (fat or thin!!) More that there are some women who tend to reduce attractiveness to a read-off from a weighscale, and to think that they are therefore 'safe' from competition as long as they remain a size 8.

I think we can all agree that those women are mistaken in two regards: 1. they equate weight with attractiveness 2. they have a highly competitive view of other women instead of focusing on just being awesome, whether at size 16 or size 6. I would suggest a third mistake, which is 3. that the problem with cheating men isn't fat or thin other women, but the cheating men themselves.

Go back and read the post. It is clear TrippyTrappy thinks it serves the slim woman right her husband had an affair because she wasn't sufficiently threatened by the OW. Which is a really nasty point of view and also pretty unpleasant for the OP to hear. If a man has an affair it is not right to blame the wife - blame him for being cheating scum and the OW for lack of morals.