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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To make DH make all the coffees?

152 replies

StuRedman · 03/04/2016 19:58

I drink A LOT of coffee, starting from the one DH brings me in bed at 6.30am. Obvs when he's at work during the day I make my own but when he's home I ask him to make all my drinks for me. It's just nicer to drink a hot drink that's been made for you.

For balance I do make him the odd cup of tea but then he only ever has one occasionally.

He's just grumbled slightly at making me one just now and I replied that it's the basic foundation of our marriage. There are certain things I always do for him, and his job is to keep me supplied with coffees.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MNHQ
LisaMumsnet · 04/04/2016 11:56

I'm with you on this one StuRedman! My utterly wonderful DH makes me tea in bed every weekday and also makes me tea a lot when he's around as he knows I value it more than flowers (was going to say chocolates, but that's a lie!) and diamonds. It just does taste nicer if someone makes it for you, especially if they make it with affection. HOWEVER on weekends, I have to make him two teas first thing if I'm around - and that's non-negotiable, no matter how much I beg him to give me a special concession and make it for me instead! Tea is the glue that binds our family together and every time I receive a cup of tea I make sure my DH knows how much it is appreciated. I really do think it's the loveliest thing he could do for me on a daily basis and so I never take it for granted. I think if you'd like your tea privileges to continue you simply need to show and say how much it means to you.

leelu66 · 04/04/2016 11:57

SaucyJack

BPD is a serious psychiatric illness. Not wanting to make your own coffee is not a symptom/effect of it- or indeed any other MH disorder.

Might help if you said what the acronym stands for...Bipolar Disorder? Borderline Personality Disorder?

FarrowandBallAche · 04/04/2016 11:58

It's nice you appreciate it that much Lisa.
Smile

Original poster
StuRedman · 04/04/2016 11:59

Thank you Lisa.

He does know I appreciate it, I always say how wonderful he is and how grateful I am, and I'll always make his tea when he wants one.

This thread has given me lots to think about though. I feel like a bit of a shit person and will rethink.

OP posts:
FarrowandBallAche · 04/04/2016 12:03

I don't think you should feel shit.

It might have been wiser to fill in the details of your MH first so people didn't jump on you so quickly but don't beat yourself about what's been written Cake

Original poster
StuRedman · 04/04/2016 12:04

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I was only diagnosed last year and I'm still coming to grips with it, I have lots of therapy every week and I'm having to re evaluate a lot of my behaviours and mindsets. I've also been quite severely depressed for over a year alongside it which makes life quite a struggle.

This has nothing to do with my lack of coffee making skills however, we've been together a long time and he's always made my coffee.

OP posts:
focusedmum · 04/04/2016 12:11

I understand completely why you felt the need to clarify it!

I have lots of therapy every week and I'm having to re evaluate a lot of my behaviours and mindsets.

^^Exactly this! you posted a lighthearted post (which MN'ers do all the time) and then you get flamed causing the above.

IlikePercyPig · 04/04/2016 12:15

You say you let your DH do xxx quite a bit OP.

You're coming across as a bit of a knob tbh, not funny at all.

allpheasantandcorrect · 04/04/2016 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RunswickBay · 04/04/2016 12:24

Don't feel shit. We're none of us perfect. I know I'm not. Coffee is a small part of life and I expect you're much more considerate in other areas of your marriage. However, maybe think about making a coffee yourself while he's home and making him a brew unasked for? I bet it will make him smile.

Feeling shit achieves nowt. Especially about something easily changed like this.

I'm finally off now (and a little Hmm about myself as to how invested I am in this thread)

Good luck with all your therapies - btw I'm quite envious of your cheeky snogs with dh - you guys must have a lot right!

SaucyJack · 04/04/2016 12:32

There's no need to feel like a shithead, or stew on it. Just make your own coffee a bit more in future. Job done.

I think Voldy hit the nail on the head a couple of pages back. The "dings" and cup-tapping are possibly quite an amusing coupley thing if both do it in small doses.
Just sounds like the joke has worn a bit thin for your husband now.

Original poster
StuRedman · 04/04/2016 12:55

Thank you. Flowers. Lots to think about.

Allpheasant, that little crack is really offensive.

OP posts:
mrsmuddlepies · 04/04/2016 12:57

I dislike threads which would sound dreadful if it was a man posting the original question. If a man boasted that he just had to tap a cup to get his 'trained' wife to make him a drink, we would be horrified. Feminism is about equality for all. It is not about training men to 'look after women'. It's about treating each other with respect and kindness.
I am glad that the OP now admits that she has a lot to think about.
This is a horribly entitled thread even if intended to be light hearted. Some things are not funny.

ImNotThatGirl · 04/04/2016 13:10

This thread reminded me of when my mum used to warm my gloves every morning before school and work, as I still lived at home into my twenties. It was lovely. I was perfectly able to grab my gloves and go to work but the little kindness warmed my heart...and hands. I stayed with her a while afterwards and I asked her if she was going to warm my gloves. Cheeky as fuck?! Hell yeah.

Your relationship sounds equal to me. Ignore the nasty Monday grouchies. Wink

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 04/04/2016 13:20

OP, don't worry about the responses you've had here. The way it's come across sounds spoilt but I think people haven't realised quite how tongue in cheek your posts have been.
I've worked out who you are from your posts and therefore know categorically that your DH adores you and you are absolutely NOT princess-type.

Bearsinmotion · 04/04/2016 13:29

Hope you're ok OP. FWIW DP and I have a similar arrangement. He is an owl and I'm a lark. He also has OCD, which means he finds some tasks incredibly hard and takes forever. So I do almost all the cooking, washing and getting the kids ready. In return he always makes my hot water bottle and a hot chocolate at bedtime. Works for us.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 04/04/2016 13:31

Some of the comments on here are fucking awful. Harshbuttrue I'm looking at you. You can be 'harsh but true' and not behave like a total dick at the same time.

CalebWomble · 04/04/2016 13:42

I prefer being made a cup of tea rather than making it myself. Even though dh makes really inconsistent tea (he's a coffee drinker).

This thread made me want a cup of tea, so I just asked dh (we're both off work today and sitting doing not much in the front room) whether he was going to the kitchen.
"No. Do you want something?" "A cup of tea." And he immediately picked up our two mugs and left the room. I'm in love Grin

And you know what else is ALWAYS better if someone else makes it? Toast.

FarrowandBallAche · 04/04/2016 13:45

Percypig that's pretty hurtful.

IlikePercyPig · 04/04/2016 14:09

It's my opinion, the OP is trying to be funny but it's not working.

BrienneofQarth · 04/04/2016 14:33

Poor OP! I read this assuming it was light hearted & just opening a conversation and its resulted in a massive pile on! OP, there's no need to feel shit, you're just commenting on one of those funny little things that happen in every relationship which, to an outsider, might look totally different to the couple themselves see it. Chin up Flowers

FarrowandBallAche · 04/04/2016 14:35

That's your opinion Percy but calling people with a metal illness a knob is pretty low plus it's against talk guidelines.

FarrowandBallAche · 04/04/2016 14:59

Mental illness not metal!

witsender · 04/04/2016 15:25

Fuck me, this thread is horrible. Some posters on here have behaved abominably!

RhodaBull · 04/04/2016 16:24

Some people appear to "know" the poster and are therefore excusing the Coffee Demands. I presume most of us don't know her from Adam/Eve and are therefore just commenting on whether it's acceptable to ping a coffee mug and, moreover, whether it sounds a bit like the dh is getting a touch irritated.