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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make DH make all the coffees?

152 replies

StuRedman · 03/04/2016 19:58

I drink A LOT of coffee, starting from the one DH brings me in bed at 6.30am. Obvs when he's at work during the day I make my own but when he's home I ask him to make all my drinks for me. It's just nicer to drink a hot drink that's been made for you.

For balance I do make him the odd cup of tea but then he only ever has one occasionally.

He's just grumbled slightly at making me one just now and I replied that it's the basic foundation of our marriage. There are certain things I always do for him, and his job is to keep me supplied with coffees.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 04/04/2016 08:50

He's not doing everything. He's making the coffee. It's their thing.

Obliviated · 04/04/2016 08:58

My Dp makes me cups of tea. I don't make it, occasionally I will if I fancy one whilst he's at work but having young children means I've got out of the habit off it as I don't get around to actually drinking it.

The more hard work the kids are, the more tea he makes. Then he's all 'leave your mum alone, she's got a hot drink' and distracts them so I can drink it. That's probably why I'm marrying him I reckon.

DarthPrincess · 04/04/2016 09:05

When do is off work he makes me Every cuppa I drink. I'm no pampered princess, I do all the cooking and cleaning and majority child care as well as driving him to work and picking him up ( 40 mins away) so the least he can do is make a few cuppas and he does so rather happily- I suspect because he knows he has it pretty easy - it's just the routine we fell into

Floggingmolly · 04/04/2016 10:00

My DH puts the bins out, even though I'm perfectly capable of doing this, it's just the way we've always done it. That's our thing.

I'd prefer unlimited tea and coffee served when I rang a bell, though. Grin. Wonder if he'd be up for a swap...

RunswickBay · 04/04/2016 10:15

Tell us about the little extra things you always do for your dh Op. The equivalents. Smile

FruityDelicious · 04/04/2016 10:15

So he's expected to earn all the income to support you, come home and do half the housework and make you coffee on demand,

Goodness, I hope my children don't end up with such spoilt selfish partners.

harshbuttrue1980 · 04/04/2016 10:24

You sound like a burden that he needs to get rid of. He works, does half the housework and then has to run around serving you as well - and you also gloat about the fact that he does this. I have suffered with depression for years, and would never expect anyone to wait on me like this - relationships are equal. You think you are clever to have him running around after you at the moment - what will happen if he meets a woman who appreciates him and decides to ditch you? If you take him for granted, he'll snap sooner or later.

Original poster
StuRedman · 04/04/2016 10:27

Well, I plan and cook meals that I know he loves, like epic curries that take all day.

I do all the decorating and make the house lovely.

I tell him I love him about fifty times a day and we have lots of cuddles and cheeky snogs when the kids aren't looking.

I sometimes let him choose what to watch on telly...

I do all the online banking and remember the passwords so he doesn't have to.

I deal with all the things like car insurance and mortgage stuff.

There's loads of stuff I do because he hates doing it and I don't mind. The coffee thing is just vice versa.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 04/04/2016 10:29

Fucking hell, Harsh ; a burden he needs to be rid of?? Op has MH issues, if I were you I'd ask for that post to be deleted, it's disgusting

CandyFlossBrain · 04/04/2016 11:06

There are some really nasty people on this forum these days. The irony is that they're always spitting venom at the people they have decided are nasty. There's a lot of projection going on...

Original poster
StuRedman · 04/04/2016 11:07

Wow Harsh. That was, erm, harsh.

I spend quite a lot of time fighting the idea that he's going to leave me for someone nicer, healthier and younger. I hadn't factored in the coffee making. Good bit of validation on my 'I'm a burden' thoughts as well, nice touch.

OP posts:
AdrenalineFudge · 04/04/2016 11:08

I don't think your MH health problems are a mitigating factor here. You've used the term 'let him' do xyz a few times on this thread, for example your comment that you let him spend time on martial arts practice. If I ever told my DP that I'll let him do something he'd tell me to fuck off - as I would if he did the same. I can't get my head around partners 'letting' each other do things. Perhaps this is meant to be a light hearted thread but you're not exactly coming out of this smelling of roses.

Original poster
StuRedman · 04/04/2016 11:10

Perhaps I should have said 'happily give him the space and time to do his practise' instead of just 'let'. I'm not his mother.

OP posts:
ApplePaltrow · 04/04/2016 11:14

You definitely sound like someone I wouldn't want to pass in the street, never mind marry/befriend/work with.

But if your DH is happy, then he's happy! I'm a woman but I hope to god sex is on that list because the only way I'd enter some horrid 1950s marriage (if I were a guy) where I serve my wife like a "lady" is if she put out ALL THE TIME.

Also, can someone explain what is and isn't BPD here?

SaucyJack · 04/04/2016 11:24

"Also, can someone explain what is and isn't BPD here?"

BPD is a serious psychiatric illness. Not wanting to make your own coffee is not a symptom/effect of it- or indeed any other MH disorder.

OP- if it pleases you to treat your husband like a skivvy and he's daft enough to go along with it, then it's nobody's business but yours I guess.

It's not a dynamic I would want to pursue in my own relationship tho- and NOT just because DP makes gopping tea anyway.

Original poster
StuRedman · 04/04/2016 11:32

God I wish I'd never mentioned the BPD. I was just feeling like I ought to justify why I'm not currently working. I've been hospitalised four times in the past year and lost my job.

I really don't treat him like a skivvy, I just ask him to make my coffee because it's nice to be treated and it makes me feel loved and secure. I do plenty of things for him to make him feel loved and secure in return.

I honestly thought I'd have lots of people agreeing with me that hot drinks are nicer made by someone else, I didn't realise it made me come across as a horrible person.

OP posts:
RhodaBull · 04/04/2016 11:35

I think the point is that finally the dh has complained. If I were OP, I'd take this as a warning growl from a dog. You can poke a dog, tease it, all sorts, but if a rumble comes out, take that as a sign that the dog is fed up and wants you to stop. So be warned...

LineyReborn · 04/04/2016 11:40

Ah, I see that a lot of your posting was meant to be tongue in cheek, OP. Well as long as your both happy, that's what matters.

Funnily enough, I prefer the taste of hot drinks I've made myself. But it's just so nice to have one made for you in the morning, definitely.

focusedmum · 04/04/2016 11:42

My DH makes all my tea even though he doesn't drink hot drinks at all.

I hate the idea of him doing it all but even if he rolls his eyes if I ask for one, when he catches me making one he tells me to go away and takes over!

We have discussed it and he says he loves doing it as it makes him feel like he is looking after me.

If he ever said he didn't want to do it I would be happy to do my own!

I don't tap cups but have been known to cough with a dry throat. Smile

Our relationship is so much more than who makes the tea. OP you have mentioned an isolated part of your relationship In a jokey way. Why People feel the need to evaluate your whole relationship on this one thing is beyond me!

VoldysGoneMouldy · 04/04/2016 11:44

Of course it's nice having a drink made by another person, but expecting it to be done is another thing. And the tapping your cup... Whilst you might do it as a 'joke', it seems to be one of those things where you'd say, "But it was a JOKE!" after someone has said they're annoyed by it.

You say your'e working on your filters. You also need to work on what is acceptable and normal in a relationship. Because regardless of BPD, if you're walking into the kitchen to get someone else a drink, to then declare you OH needs to make you a coffee, you're taking the piss.

Things that start off as "our thing" end up being disastrous if you take advantage of them, and it sounds like you are.

RhodaBull · 04/04/2016 11:44

Then why did OP post at all? She must be bored. And mentioning the BPD. Bizarre.

Dh made me a bacon sandwich yesterday. I don't have BPD. AIBU?

ilovesooty · 04/04/2016 11:47

I think there are quite a few people with enduring mental health issues who've been irritated by this thread. I certainly have.

Since harsh also has mental health issues I assume she feels as I did.

I don't think the OP is coming over well quite honestly. There's been a fair bit of drip feeding and attempts at humour that aren't funny, as well as a lack of insight into why some other posters feel as they do.

PerspicaciaTick · 04/04/2016 11:47

I enjoy doing little, nice things for my DP - feeling like what I do is appreciated and is a nice treat/surprise/caring thing to do. But if I was expected to do those nice little things - I think they would lose their appeal to me pretty quickly.
Maybe the OP's DP feels that the OP has recently begin to overstep a line so that instead of feeling pleased and grateful when her DP brings her coffee, she appears to be annoyed when he doesn't bring her coffee.

FarrowandBallAche · 04/04/2016 11:48

Did you just want a bit of a chat OP?

I think given your circumstances it sounds ok to ask for a coffee tbh as long as you don't expect one at the drop of a hat.

Your marriage seems pretty give and take from half of the thread that I've read.

Smile
RunswickBay · 04/04/2016 11:49

Hot drinks are nicer made by someone else. I agree, Like the tea round at work. But the key thing is that sometimes you make the round and sometimes you get one in return.

How shitty for your dh to have to keep stopping what he wants to do many times a day to make you a hot drink. The way you keep saying 'but its so much nicer to have a drink made by someone else' just sounds narcissistic. Like you haven't thought of it from dh's perspective at all.

Gah!! Why can't I get myself off this thread. I have a weird fascination with the logic behind this. Must get on with my own housework