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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is he?

55 replies

totallybitching · 02/04/2016 22:21

Firstly I'll start off with a disclaimer - I am a very emotional person who can be very upset very quickly if something hurts me. I am generally quite sensitive at the moment specifically about how I look (weight gain).

So I work with my OH and there is always this other woman (ow) sniffing around him. OW has just come out of a relationship with a married man (this is relevant). Now OW and OH sort of share a hobby which is fine by me but she always brings it up to me in a fairly antagonising way, think "oh I saw OH with his top off the other day" type comments. Which wind me up to no end because I think I would never say that to someone's girlfriend.

Anyway last week I was looking for a downloaded film and saw a porn folder on his laptop. Being a bit cheeky I thought I'd peek and see what he had been watching - I have no problem with him watching porn. To my horror I found a folder full of photos taken off Facebook of my friends (some he had never met) my best friend and this ow from work all showing significant amounts of cleavage or in tight dresses.

We spoke about it calmly and I said I would forget I saw it but for my own sanity please keep a distance from OW as she is pushing me to end of my tether. Told him I trusted him but I didn't appreciate being goaded into a reaction by her and this would make it worse.

This is getting really long - sorry. Today whilst out for dinner I noticed he was Facebook messaging her.. I lost my shit and said can you please stop messaging that slut who's tits you have saved on your laptop whilst out for dinner with me...

Now we have fallen out and apparently it's all my fault for being controlling... I don't think I am being emotionally abuse or controlling but now I'm doubting myself - please help!

OP posts:
VioletTea · 02/04/2016 22:25

You're not being controlling and YA DEFINITELY NBU

I would be spitting bullets right now if my husband behaved in such a disrespectful way towards me.

Bringmewineandcake · 02/04/2016 22:25

It's not you. It's him and he's very very wrong. I wouldn't have put up with any of the photos of my friends not just OW. Not sure what to suggest, I'm guessing you don't feel you could leave?

Vixxfacee · 02/04/2016 22:26

Get rid. Regardless of this woman he sounds like a perv.

SquinkiesRule · 02/04/2016 22:27

YANBU he is, and she is trying all she can to split you up so she can have him.
No idea what you do about it if anything. Is he worth it?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 02/04/2016 22:29

I'm baffled why you are directing all your anger at this woman. The person you have a big issue with is your OH. Saving images of you friends in low cut tops and clingy dresses is beyond creepy.

edwinbear · 02/04/2016 22:29

I think you have been very calm actually. I would have lost my shit many times over, well before the dinner incident.

magoria · 02/04/2016 22:32

Why would you forget such horrible actions from your 'D'P?

Get rid and let her have this pervy man.

Ludwsys · 02/04/2016 22:33

He has pics of your friends to wank over, OMG, I'd freak!

Can't understand why it's this other woman's fault though, it's completely the doing of your husband!

Original poster
totallybitching · 02/04/2016 22:36

I feel like such a dick but I really do love him and he is not the type of guy to act on any sort of sexual thing he might have for another woman. I kinda figure all guys look at other women once in a while I just don't know how I'm going to get over this. I found out over a week ago now and it still feels like a punch in the throat Sad. I just wish I could see him the same way as before - or he would respect my wishes and just not message this bloody woman.

I feel so inadequate in every way.

OP posts:
MalcolminaX · 02/04/2016 22:37

He can look but he can't save photos!! Massive creep. End it. Sorry OP.

honeyroar · 02/04/2016 22:39

The OW is not nice, it can't be denied, but your OH is a waste of time. Dump him. If he ends up with her he will be on the right level, whereas you're way above him. You should be with better...

cuntycowfacemonkey · 02/04/2016 22:40

Well he collects pictures of them and messages them when you have asked him not to so he is already acting on his sexual feelings

edwinbear · 02/04/2016 22:41

There is a big difference between wanking over anonymous porn actresses who have chosen to be wanked over to make a living and your mates, who presumably haven't.

RoseDawson · 02/04/2016 22:41

Oh OP. Flowers
You deserve so much better than being treated like this. He's a pig! (Actually that is somewhat insulting to pigs)

Scarydinosaurs · 02/04/2016 22:44

^^ Edwin has it.

Get rid.

missbishi · 02/04/2016 22:44

he is not the type of guy to act on any sort of sexual thing he might have for another woman

FFS, he was messaging a woman who's tits are saved on his laptop whilst at dinner with you.

nancy75 · 02/04/2016 22:46

If my boyfriend was wanking over pictures of my friends tits he would be my X boyfriend pretty damn fast

Vintage45 · 02/04/2016 22:49

OP it really isn't you it's him! I'd trust him as far as I could throw him. I'd be pissed off if a partner of mine was ogling tits on his laptop let alone one's he'd dowloaded of her and friends, then to tell you your controlling.

This man is a bit of shit and the sooner you get away from him the better. Do you live together as well as work together? Is he senior to you?

PPie10 · 02/04/2016 22:50

Why on earth did you choose to forget the photos he saved of your friends? How creepy is that?? You're in denial or a bit deluded to think he's a lovely man. You think him messaging the same woman that you asked him not to is being lovely?
Please wake up, he's a pervert.

wannadancethenightaway · 02/04/2016 22:50

Uhhhhhhm so I just told my DH this story and he has said get rid and quickly. He sounds like an oddball. I agree with honeyroar - you deserve better

Mummyme1987 · 02/04/2016 22:56

He's way out of order and he's using the old you are being unreasonable and controlling excuse. He's trying to persuade you that it's you when he knows it's him. Get rid there's no respect there.

M00nUnit · 02/04/2016 22:59

Your DP sounds like a disgusting individual, having that folder of photos of your friends. If my DH ever did anything like that I'd go ballistic.

Oooblimey · 02/04/2016 23:03

He keeps a folder of your friends in a porn folder and your pissed off at a random woman at work?!!!!
Seriously if you think this is remotely ok you need to give your head a wobble. He is the problem not her. He has no respect for you.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 02/04/2016 23:04

Would he be happy if you messaged all the friends he's been using as wankfodder to tell them he admires their bodies that much?
I'm guessing not.
In which case you aren't being controlling and he knows his behaviour is out of line so he is attacking you as his defence.

Bringmewineandcake · 02/04/2016 23:04

Also, how do you think your friends would feel if they knew he had these photos and their purpose? If I was one of them I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him, and that would probably mean cutting off from you too while you're still with him.