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AIBU?

Or is he?

55 replies

totallybitching · 02/04/2016 22:21

Firstly I'll start off with a disclaimer - I am a very emotional person who can be very upset very quickly if something hurts me. I am generally quite sensitive at the moment specifically about how I look (weight gain).

So I work with my OH and there is always this other woman (ow) sniffing around him. OW has just come out of a relationship with a married man (this is relevant). Now OW and OH sort of share a hobby which is fine by me but she always brings it up to me in a fairly antagonising way, think "oh I saw OH with his top off the other day" type comments. Which wind me up to no end because I think I would never say that to someone's girlfriend.

Anyway last week I was looking for a downloaded film and saw a porn folder on his laptop. Being a bit cheeky I thought I'd peek and see what he had been watching - I have no problem with him watching porn. To my horror I found a folder full of photos taken off Facebook of my friends (some he had never met) my best friend and this ow from work all showing significant amounts of cleavage or in tight dresses.

We spoke about it calmly and I said I would forget I saw it but for my own sanity please keep a distance from OW as she is pushing me to end of my tether. Told him I trusted him but I didn't appreciate being goaded into a reaction by her and this would make it worse.

This is getting really long - sorry. Today whilst out for dinner I noticed he was Facebook messaging her.. I lost my shit and said can you please stop messaging that slut who's tits you have saved on your laptop whilst out for dinner with me...

Now we have fallen out and apparently it's all my fault for being controlling... I don't think I am being emotionally abuse or controlling but now I'm doubting myself - please help!

OP posts:

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Firstmum24 · 03/04/2016 11:30

No amount of time is ever going to make you fee adequate for him.
You are more than adequate for someone who will actually love you and treat you with some respect. OP it doesn't matter how much you love him - he is poison. LTB and have a few months of hell getting over him, but when you meet a real man who will give you love and show you respect your ex will be but a distant memory.
Sending. Hugs.

AyeAmarok · 03/04/2016 11:24

Plus part of the reason you've put on weight is probably because of him, because he's treating you poorly and making you emotional and depressed.

AyeAmarok · 03/04/2016 11:23

Grim.

You need much higher standards. And much higher expectations of the men you're in a relationship with.

This guy is a creep. You should definitely dump him.

Chinks123 · 03/04/2016 11:18

Sorry for the essay I got wound up for you

Chinks123 · 03/04/2016 11:18

Op you say you "kinda figure all men do this"...A decent man would not do this Firstly he is in a relationship so should not be saving pictures of women THAT YOU KNOW to his laptop, please tell me you see how creepy that is?! That's different from porn, he's using these women's pictures for his own gratification..if I found out some randomer had pictures of me saved as porn I'd feel Abit sick

You are not over sensitive, you are not a dick, you are in no way overreacting you are under reacting!! he's making you feel bad about this because he can't see that what he's doing is totally wrong. He's crossing boundaries with the photos (relationship wise and as a normal human wise) and by messaging her after you said to cut ties he's basically telling you he doesn't give a shit.

Please keep your sanity, you are not in the wrong, LTB!!

IrregularCommentary · 03/04/2016 11:18

Wank not wanker, though potato potatoh in some ways...

IrregularCommentary · 03/04/2016 11:17

The wanker folder of your friends is all you need to know. Can't get my head around how creepy and messed up that is.

If one of your friends told you her OH had done this, what would your advice be?

Honestly, I can imagine how hard this must be but this is not a man you should be with.

EnglishFern · 03/04/2016 11:00

Urgh grim,

He's sounds like a creep. Tell OW she's welcome to him.

WeddingGift · 03/04/2016 10:59

That would be the end for me. I would also be telling everyone whom he had pictures of so they could decide whether or not to block him.

Arkhamasylum · 03/04/2016 10:58

He's gone through YOUR Facebook to find pictures of women YOU KNOW to wank over, when the internet's bursting with porn?

You're not over-sensitive or controlling. That is completely fucked up.

molyholy · 03/04/2016 10:47

Yuck yuck yuck. The dirty bastard with his creepy wank folder. How are your standards so low that you think this is okay?

Sandbrook · 03/04/2016 10:46

He's a horrible man and will continue to damage you with his behaviour. You need out now.

I would also tell your friends what he's doing with their photos and give them the chance to block him. I would be livid if my friend knew her OH was using my picture and didn't tell me

Costacoffeeplease · 03/04/2016 10:41

He's a creepy perv, dump him from a great height.

clam · 03/04/2016 10:14

You were prepared to forget you'd seen a folder of photographs of your friends in his porn stash?!! What is wrong with you? If I were one of those friends, I would never speak to you again, for effectively condoning this, and I would be looking to report him if possible as well.
Your boundaries have been seriously warped somewhere along the line.

Dump him. Quick. There is no good spin to any of this tale.

awfullyproper · 03/04/2016 05:23

No no no no no and NO!
YADNBU
What a total creep. Free yourself from this nonsense.

pictish · 03/04/2016 00:28

OP of course people look at other people (because it's not just men) - but most people don't keep a folder of their partner's friends for their perusal. That's pretty driven.
I don't know how you got to where you are now, being prepared to wave away his little collection as something you should forget about, but you do not need to accept this as your lot. You are not inadequate, he is. Raise your standards. You can and you should. x

BurstBees · 03/04/2016 00:05

He has photos and messages her, yet she's the slut?
You ask him to stop and you're being controlling?

Give yer head a wobble, woman.

BagelGoesWalking · 02/04/2016 23:47

No! It's him. Let's just be clear,

Not all men letch after other women
Not all men save dodgy pics on pc
Not all men watch porn
Not all men are assholes and dickheads

It's actually quite insulting to men that you think this is normal(ish) behaviour!

windygales · 02/04/2016 23:33

Get rid. That's creepy and totally disgusting

pictish · 02/04/2016 23:29

No no...don't tell them....they'll be all creeped out and associate you with the loser.
Delete the folder, then delete him.

Mummyme1987 · 02/04/2016 23:21

Obviously tell the women too.

Mummyme1987 · 02/04/2016 23:20

And then I would tell the partners of the women he's got in his porn folder about the porn folder and watch the fireworks go off from a distance!

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pictish · 02/04/2016 23:19

OP if you've got any sense you'll stand back and let her have him.

Mummyme1987 · 02/04/2016 23:18

Run, run now. Don't look back, he's a wanker in all respects.

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 02/04/2016 23:14

And you are still with him after finding your friends' pictures on his computer?

Wow!

Your problems are much bigger than the OW, honestly.

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