To be upset about comments over me not being auntie

[sazzleish]

Ok, so DP's brother and his wife have recently had their first child. I will say in the first instance that I do not get on with the wife but am civil in family situations. I am engaged to DP and we are marrying soon.

Anyway, when the baby was born I organised a gift and card, we were both very excited to meet the baby, it's the first in either of our families. I signed the card Uncle DP and Auntie me. I know I'm not technically his auntie yet but as we are getting married in two months I didn't think it was worth saying anything different.

Today I received a text from baby's mum asking would I please not refer to myself as auntie because I wasn't even married and they don't want child referring to non-blood relatives as auntie and uncle. I was taken aback and really quite upset, I consider him just as much my nephew as if my sister had a child. I don't differentiate between my own aunties and uncles and love them all equally.

So am I being unreasonable or should I just refer to myself as my name in future cards etc?

[CrazyMary]

I would send a simple text;
Dear X, congratulations on your new baby. Please find enclosed, a special present to you; Your very own Grip. Love your SIL Sazz & DP
Ps Our wedding is on xxxx, We're looking forward to seeing you there

[Bogeyface]

syk my Uncle got divorced from his first wife and she is still my Aunty, and his second wife most definitely is not. I think its more to do with relationships than blood status. My Aunty keeps in touch, sends cards, gifts etc and thinks the same of us as she did when she was married to my Uncle, she still refers to my mum and dad as her inlaws. Whereas his second wife, who has has been married to for much longer, has very little to do with his family above what she absolutely must.

But I agree that given the SIL (2be!) has set the terms, she should do exactly as SIL(2be) requests and not act like an Aunty, which means no cards, gifts or reminders. Lets see how she likes that when The Only Baby To Be Born Ever doesnt get a first birthday present.

[curren]

I don't really have advice for you.

But I do for your dp.

My Sil (dbros wife) is similar. When she was pregnant with her first she called me, told me I could come to the hospital but I was not allowed to visit at home for the first two weeks at least. Not to come near the house. I was a bit sad, because it meant my dh (who was friends with my brother) and my children would have to wait at least 2 weeks before seeing the baby.

But I didn't tell her I was bothered. She was pregnant and it's her child so it's up to her.

A week after the baby was born my brother phoned and had a go that dh and the kids hadn't bothered with the baby and he mentioned mum and dad hasn't been in touch either. She had told mum the same, no phone calls no visits.

So I told dbro, straight. I told him I was doing as his wife had instructed. He had no clue. Was mortified his family had been banned from their house (when her family were round every day) and it hasn't even been discussed with him.

He was obviously mortified he had, had a go. He had also had a go and mum and mum never told him why. It's was clear he didn't know and didn't want them to fall out.

Dbro had been left feeling that his family didn't give a shit about his child.

Every time Sil acts like a knobhead. Such as saying mothers who work should be sterilised for being selfish fuckers, I draw dbros attention to it. She acts in a way to make me rise to an argument. But I won't. I just let dbro know why I won't be visiting for a while and he is welcome in my home.

Overtime the shitty behaviour is lessening. Yes it's shit to feel like I am telling on her, but I know she is hoping for an argument. This way the argument is avoided and resolved quicker.

[curren]

Sorry forgot to say.

Tell you do to sort this out with his brother. It's possible he isn't aware and will also think she is unreasonable. It may curb her shitty behaviour as well. I find when you help conceal someone's shitty behaviour from your loved one. It makes it worse as they believe they can get away with it.

[croon979]

She has just had a baby and this is her main focus?? I fear for the poor little boy.

She sounds like a cow.

You absolutely made the right decision not to text back. She was clearly looking for drama and a reaction. A total lack of reaction will be a big let down for her.

Ultimately you do have to thank your lucky stars that you do not see the world as she does.

[cranberryx]

"Wtf, you weirdo."

Then let her DP know, I bet he doesn't.

[Greyponcho]

what does your DP say about this? Is it 'normal' behaviour for their family to have Uncle X and wife of X?
But yeah, it's a total bitch attitude she's got, and to not even thank you for the present is a piss take. Poor child to have such a cow for a mum

[ShinyTurd]

I think she's probably trying to make a point if the two of you don't really like each other so it's her problem, not yours. Every family is different though. In my family it's always been Auntie (name) and DP/DH name. Neither way of doing things is right as such, it's just family preference.

[pearlylum]

Why didn't your DP send the card to his brother and his wife?

So often these type of communications are left to the women, and I refuse to partake. Apart from the blood relation your partner has with his brother this woman is a randomer. Would your OH send a card to your brother's wife if she had a baby?

My OH is crap at birthdays and sending cards, as a result he doesn't send birthday or christmas cards to nephews, brother or mother. I refuse to scoop up for that. It's his family, not mine.

[ZanyMobster]

Pearly - I find that an odd comment, I treat DHs family as my own and he does the same. They are not some randomers. We make sure that between us we sort cards etc out. Usually I will get the cards as I work less hours so have time off to go into town but I would never knowlingly let him miss his nephews birthdays as they are my nephews too now.

It really isn't relevant to the OP who sent the card though TBH

[lurkerspeaks]

Odd behaviour.

My brother has been with his partner for 2 years. They don't live together yet and her nieces and nephews call him Uncle.

But then we grew up in a world where all of our parents friends were auntie X and uncle Y.

[CodyKing]

Pearly - I find that an odd comment, I treat DHs family as my own and he does the same.

OP's future SIL does not feel that way obviously - where as OP thought different

[sweetbabyray]

She's being very precious. How ridiculous!

It is an area fraught with difficulty. When I met my husband 10 years ago, he had a young niece and nephew. They didn't call him Uncle Ray, just Ray, but we always signed cards from Uncle Ray and Sweetbabyray.
Since then there have been 3 more children, and I still do the cards the same way. I think it would be weird for some of them to call me aunty and some not. But with my own sisters kids, it has always been Aunty Sweetbabyray and Uncle Ray, there was no question. I think my sis would find it weird if he wasn't uncle tbh.

I suppose everybody is different, but not everyone is as as your 'future' SIL!

YANBU

[ZanyMobster]

Absolutely Codyking. Amongst my friends and family they certain treat each others family as there own. Clearly the OP was trying to do the same but Pearly was suggesting she shouldn't bother as they are just randoms, judging by the responses on this thread this is not the most common view.

[EnPapillot]

Do you think age/length of relationship is relevant?? Just as my DHs younger brothers have both been in relationships for 2/3 years, but neither gf is auntie to our DC. I think if they were to marry then they'd become Auntie, but one of them wasn't even around when our son was born. When do you then start with 'Auntie'?!

[sweetbabyray]

EnPapillot that's exactly the point I was making, it's just so difficult to judge isn't it?

I would say in the OPs situation definitely Auntie would be expected for me, but in a new relationship or when they come on to the scene after the DC are born as in your case it's not clear.

[TheNaze73]

Although I suppose she's technically right, if this bothers her seriously, then she has issues. I'd do it all the more, just to wind her up. There are millions in the world, dying of starvation & she's worried about that? WTAF??

[RabbitSaysWoof]

I think it's more about this girl not liking the op and wanting to put a bit more distance there. I'm sure if they were friends she would be called Auntie.

[Brokenbiscuit]

I think you've done the right thing in not replying, OP. Don't dignify her stupid text with an answer.

However, I would be tempted to write back saying, "Ah, such a shame, I was so looking forward to being an auntie, spoiling baby and buying her presents etc, but of course I will respect your wishes and keep my distance in the future if that's how you feel."

And if your DH remembers to sort any birthday cards in the future, I think id want him to sign them "from Uncle X and Mrs DH". The child is bound to ask why at some point in the future!

[RedOnHerHedd]

That's horrible! My mum got with her partner only a few months before DS1 was born and right from the start he was known as Grampy. Almost 12 years on, they're not married and he's still Grampy. If they split up he'd still be Grampy and we would still have contact with him regardless of him not being a blood relative. Blood means nothing. I have blood relatives that are a waste of space, and then my mum's partner who is absolutely amazing.

I would continue to sign from uncle DP and auntie you. Hopefully you will just be known as auntie anyway.

[LordoftheTits]

That's bizarre. My uncle's long term partner is as much my auntie as my mum's sister. I also call my mum's cousin "auntie".

My best friend's daughter calls me auntie and we're in no way related!

She sounds like a wanker.

[Groovee]

That's just awful. I'd be tempted to stick her outside on the seating plan at the wedding and say, " oh your text said we weren't family"

[girlywhirly]

She strikes me as immature, manipulative and actually very insecure. I'm sorry for you OP, there is no need for this level of nastiness from her. Lets hope that she grows up!

The fact that she is NC with DP's DM as well speaks volumes.

[cavedescreux]

Do not dignify this rubbish with any sort of response. She's an idiot.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

She's a nasty bitch. Let her have it her way, but I tell you one thing. If in 12 months she's looking for a baby sitter and asks you. I'd tell her where to go, after all. You're no relation to the child are you. And even if you were married to her brother. You'll never be blood related will you!!!. I think she needs to educate her self on families ect and all that crap about blood. Good luck to her in telling that to adopted families.