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AIBU?

To be upset about comments over me not being auntie

215 replies

sazzleish · 02/04/2016 19:59

Ok, so DP's brother and his wife have recently had their first child. I will say in the first instance that I do not get on with the wife but am civil in family situations. I am engaged to DP and we are marrying soon.

Anyway, when the baby was born I organised a gift and card, we were both very excited to meet the baby, it's the first in either of our families. I signed the card Uncle DP and Auntie me. I know I'm not technically his auntie yet but as we are getting married in two months I didn't think it was worth saying anything different.

Today I received a text from baby's mum asking would I please not refer to myself as auntie because I wasn't even married and they don't want child referring to non-blood relatives as auntie and uncle. I was taken aback and really quite upset, I consider him just as much my nephew as if my sister had a child. I don't differentiate between my own aunties and uncles and love them all equally.

So am I being unreasonable or should I just refer to myself as my name in future cards etc?

OP posts:

Report

Nicky333 · 02/04/2016 21:25

What an absolute cowbag. DH has always been Uncle to our niece, even for the 4 years before we were married. To be fair, he's been Uncle to my sister's dogs for as long as we've been together.

2rebecca · 02/04/2016 21:26

Sounds bizarre, mainly because it is obviously going to upset your brother who is his uncle. Different if you are a girlfriend of a few weeks but if the wedding is booked then you're pretty nearly aunt and if it falls through before you marry the baby won't be old enough to remember you anyway.

DerelictDaughter · 02/04/2016 21:29

OK, she's given you a clear understanding of your relationship (and I'm sorry it's so meanly done, you are right to feel hurt as this is an unnecessary point she's chosen to make).

In future, you now know what she's able to do and how her mind works to some extent. So don't go getting yourself into situations where you're giving her the benefit of the doubt and she shits all over you. People don't have to like each other and it's a shame but at the same time, you've got a chance here to save yourself a lot of energy in a way - take that chance! Don't be the one doing any running (she doesn't want that), don't be the one putting yourself out for her, make your own arrangements for family things, and give her as little as you can (because she doesn't want more). And be sad but not dramatic about it. You will save yourself about fourteen long MN threads by the sound of it :)

BennyTheBall · 02/04/2016 21:30

Why not just sign your names and leave out the old fashioned 'aunt/uncle' business. All of our nieces and nephews call us by our names.

We have never used this in our family since my generation. It accommodates modern relationships.

x2boys · 02/04/2016 21:30

As your getting married you will technically be auntie but tbh I don't even bother calling myself auntie to my nephews anymore my sisters boys they call me my first name my boys are younger and call my dsis and bil auntie, uncle first name it's a bit odd my sisters both my boys godmother I, m her boys too we ate Catholic and both needed a Catholic god parent but her dh is also ds2 godfather. Dh ,niece was 9 when we met so never called me auntie but called dh uncle but her brothers did who were born after we were married and she introduced herself to.my neighbour as my niece .

Italiangreyhound · 02/04/2016 21:32

Your soon to be brother on laws wife us very rude. I would ask her why as you are marrying in two months but it would probably only lead to more arguments.

She's weird.

lem73 · 02/04/2016 21:34

I've been married to dh for 18 years yet all the children in his family call me by my first name. I'm sure it's being deliberately disrespectful as I'm the only one they do that to. I got my own back by bringing up my children to refer to their parents (dh's cousins and brother) by their first name. I suggest you bear that in mind when you have kids of your own Op.

Haffdonga · 02/04/2016 21:38

Nasty. Not the wanting to drop the auntie label (that might just be a matter of taste) but the way she told you. If her problem was really the name she could have mentioned it in a friendly way when she sees you. Instead she is trying to make it clear that you will never be her family member.

Her loss.

That would be a baby that wasn't getting any Christmas presents from me.

sazzleish · 02/04/2016 21:40

I'm pretty sure she doesn't see me as a non permanent feature. I thought the baby would help us build bridges, but I never dreamed she would exclude me from his life in this way. She is still quite young and immature but as a mother I thought she'd ch age. They are also NC with Dp's mum. My computer is taking 10x as long to type every letter so sorry for the lack of response.

OP posts:

Etinocadoego · 02/04/2016 21:40

Oh Gawd OP
She's horrible. Did she thank you for the present? I'm 25 years down the line with a psychobitch sil and would strongly advise you not to proceed unless your DHtobe has your back.

ApocalypseSlough · 02/04/2016 21:41

Aha if she's NC with family and your husband is on side that's better.

gamerwidow · 02/04/2016 21:43

Op she is very mean what a shame she didn't take your naming yourself as auntie as a symbol of your love for her child as part of your family (like most people would). All of my in-laws and siblings are not married but are in long term relationships we call all the partners aunt or uncle.

spirallinganxiety · 02/04/2016 21:43

I too have been referred to by my first name in H's family while he is referred to by his name prefaced by "uncle". Not always (sometimes he is just his name) but often enough for me to feel upset.

I don't get annoyed anymore as I simply don't care now - it's very liberating!

sazzleish · 02/04/2016 21:43

No she didn't thank us. She never has for any gift so this was on form.

OP posts:

spirallinganxiety · 02/04/2016 21:47

But yes OP your SIL sounds vindictive. I would not react at all - don't give her the satisfaction - and take a step back. What does your dp think you should do/say?

starfishmummy · 02/04/2016 21:47

If you are not to be called Aunt then in ykur shies I would insist on child addressing me formally as title and surname (Mrs Starfishmummy) or as Ma'am

GinAndColonic · 02/04/2016 21:53

I think I would sign every card

"To Sprog,

Happy Birthday

Lots of Love

Uncle Jim and his wife Sue"

When their child gets old enough, correct DC every time they call you "Sue" or "Auntie Sue" and say "No darling, I am Uncle Jim's Wife Sue remember? That's my full title."

Nod wisely.

BoatyMcBoat · 02/04/2016 21:53

Bollocks to that! Call yourself auntie if you want to, you are really, unless this causes your relationship to break down irretrievably (unlikely).

I am imagining you at your wedding reception turning to her with a big grin and saying "I'm certainly auntie now".

Nanny0gg · 02/04/2016 21:54

but I must admit having people refer to themselves as auntie and uncle is a pretty naff thing to do.

So how else do they sign cards then?

Carry on using Auntie, OP. It will be worth it just to piss her off.

EweAreHere · 02/04/2016 22:00

"Fab. Does that mean I don't have to buy your DC birthday and Christmas presents?"

What a bitch. Your DP needs to call her out on it pronto, btw. He needs to have your back as you will be family legally. Your future children will be blood-related, so he needs to put her in her place.

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/04/2016 22:02

She sounds a bit odd.

summerdreams · 02/04/2016 22:06

What a bitch no wonder you felt shit. It's just not very nice even if you thought it you wouldn't actually say that to someone its quite mean.

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DoreenLethal · 02/04/2016 22:08

'Ok no worries. If you could return the present I bought that would be fab. Wouldn't want to overstep the boundaries. Ta'.

LeaLeander · 02/04/2016 22:09

What does your partner's brother have to say about this? Is he going to endorse his wife's poor treatment of his brother's wife?

I think I would not establish a gift-giving tradition with them. The child is a newborn and it won't miss what it never had. If you persist in giving gifts and making other overtures you will be setting yourself up each time for snide and rude treatment from her and passive, tacit agreement with that treatment by her hsuband. Just be pleasant and civil when you do encounter them and the child but don't beat your head against the wall trying to be a benevolent, active factor in his life. She won't permit that and you'll save yourself a lot of angst.

BadgersNadgers · 02/04/2016 22:13

She's an arse. My kids have two uncles: Uncle A is DH's brother; Uncle T is DH's BIL (never been sure if he's also my BIL - very confusing). We would never differentiate, though Uncle A does the best Christmas presents cos he's a big kid

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