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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about comments over me not being auntie

215 replies

sazzleish · 02/04/2016 19:59

Ok, so DP's brother and his wife have recently had their first child. I will say in the first instance that I do not get on with the wife but am civil in family situations. I am engaged to DP and we are marrying soon.

Anyway, when the baby was born I organised a gift and card, we were both very excited to meet the baby, it's the first in either of our families. I signed the card Uncle DP and Auntie me. I know I'm not technically his auntie yet but as we are getting married in two months I didn't think it was worth saying anything different.

Today I received a text from baby's mum asking would I please not refer to myself as auntie because I wasn't even married and they don't want child referring to non-blood relatives as auntie and uncle. I was taken aback and really quite upset, I consider him just as much my nephew as if my sister had a child. I don't differentiate between my own aunties and uncles and love them all equally.

So am I being unreasonable or should I just refer to myself as my name in future cards etc?

OP posts:
MyAmDeryCross · 02/04/2016 20:50

WTF. That's grade A bitch behaviour.

My sister's partner was uncle before they were even engaged.

I can understand not wanting to confuse a child with a string of aunties but a baby won't know any different. If the baby's anything like my DS looking through things when they are older they would point out "that's not right - it's auntie me not me"

I wouldn't buy any more presents and sign any cards with just your names.

OpenMe · 02/04/2016 20:52

Don't reply, there's nothing you can say that she couldn't repeat in a way that would make you look just as petty as her.

Then you become favourite auntie with a pet name that's way nicer than auntie

ShelaghTurner · 02/04/2016 20:56

Utter bitch. We've never differentiated, especially as you've been together so long. I'd just send a short text directing her to your DP for all future cards and presents and leave it st that. She's batshit.

RhombusRiley · 02/04/2016 20:57

That's crazy - the baby won't be "referring" to you (!) until well after you are auntie anyway! Could she be just having a hormonal moment post-birth and will get over herself and apologise? I guess maybe not if you don't get on anyway.

I mean I can understand being annoyed if someone who has no connection at all is styling themselves "auntie" but you basically are an auntie! For my DC people are "auntie" or uncle once they are living together or in a LTR.

Are they coming to the wedding? Is there any way you can auntie it up as soon as you've said your vows? Maybe have a first dance about auynties :)

RabbitSaysWoof · 02/04/2016 20:57

OpenMe is right, she would love a response.

AllisonWonderland · 02/04/2016 20:58

Reply and say 'oh, I never realised your sister was dating a blood relative of yours, how unusual'. I would be upset too, but your nephew (as he will very definitely be after your marriage) will love you the same no matter what you're called.

TattyDevine · 02/04/2016 20:58

Gawd.

I've had this by the way - okay, I am married, and have been for about 100 15 years.

But I have been told, in no uncertain terms, in the past, by MIL (when I was also married) that I'm not a "real" Auntie, because I'm not a blood relative.

Fast forward to now, and one niece is now at University in my home town (up to 7 hours drive from her home, so quite way from home), and I have done her washing regularly over the past 3 years (not strictly necessary, but hey, and happy to help), had her over for roast dinners, free legal advice, emotional support, taken her to the STD clinic, suspected her health anxiety issue (see STD clnic!) and supported her in getting help from her GP, lent her money, (which I got back), driven her long distances, given her relationship advice when asked for, and so on so forth. Careers advice, referrals, and an internship off the back of it. And more.

Not a real Auntie my arsehole. If I told her her grandmother said that she'd be fucking fuming.

But I won't stir up the shit, because I'm a real daughter in law (or some might say I'm not?! Grin )

Basically what I'm saying is, going forward, your relationship with this child is dictated by you and the child, and nobody else, not even the parents or grandparents, with consent of the child.

Penguinepenguins · 02/04/2016 21:02

This is awful, you have been together 7 years and then another non-married relative is referred to as uncle - that takes the piss doesn't it!

Awful, really feel for you OP but I'm not sure what you can do this in situation so I'm just sending you a big virtual hug xx

One2Three4Five6 · 02/04/2016 21:03

YANBU
My 3 call my BiLs DP Aunty, they are not married (been together about 6 or 7 years now though)
My brother was dating a girl, they'd only been together around 3 months when we first met her and my DD aged 3 automatically called her Aunty... We didn't encourage or discourage this, and left DD to her own opinion (after checking DBs girlfriend was okay with being called Aunty)

Your SiL is being rather weird about it in my opinion. You are marrying her brother, you are as good as family.
I'd keep referring to yourself as Aunty, and make sure your DP does as well.

I hope your DP tells his sister she is out of line!

Maracattack · 02/04/2016 21:03

She's being ridiculous. Just tragically petty... The baby won't care and I agree that you'll probably end up 'Aunty' anyway.

I'd take the high ground - as people as pathetic as that (imagine trying to poison your infant child relationships) don't generally apologise or change. You are his aunt - no matter how you're referred to. She doesn't get to change that.

But I would have your DH (to be) have a brief word with his DB and DP. Just so they know what's happened - definitely not expecting them to intervene as it's not worth it - in case she does something else in future!

Poor kid. His life is going to be full of this kind of thing - being pulled into his mother's dramas before he can even talk.

Birthgeek · 02/04/2016 21:03

Ooh, photoshop a picture of yourself wearing a 'proud auntie' T-shirt and stick it up as your FB profile pic Grin

MooPointCowsOpinion · 02/04/2016 21:07

The only reason she would say this is because she doesn't think you are a permenant fixture, or she's hoping you're not.

I won't let my SILs refer to their partners as 'uncle' X, but that's because they have revolving partners who seem to get grottier each time they're replaced and I'm not having my kids confused and upset with people appearing and disappearing so suddenly. My kids are not babies, however, so they're actually affected by the changes. If SIL manages to find someone who lasts a few years I'd happily change my mind on the uncle rule providing it's not the current idiot

daftbesom · 02/04/2016 21:08

YADNBU to be upset, I would be too - how rude of her. Especially by text. Tut.

But you can choose how/ whether you respond to her.

Don't let it overshadow how you get to know the new member of your family.

(In my family we actually ask people how they want to be known. It makes no difference to the LO, after all!)

LuluJakey1 · 02/04/2016 21:08

Your DP needs to handle this one. He should text his brother back and say 'Thanks for the text. Sorry we got it wrong. We 're happy to just be xxxx and yyyy (first names). Totally understand if you are not using Auntie and Uncle. Lots of people don't these days.'

Piemernator · 02/04/2016 21:10

I want to know why you two don't get on as this is a product of the situation. She is being horrid but she sure knows how to yank your chain.

IAmNotAMindReader · 02/04/2016 21:10

By that reckoning as a non blood relative you're not aunty even if you do marry your DP as then you are still only related by marriage.
I would be tempted then to sign stuff with from uncle X and aunty by marriage y but then I am petty.

AStreetcarNamedBob · 02/04/2016 21:11

The dictionary definition of auntie is either your parents sister OR you uncles wife

So once you are married then legally you ARE the auntie.

Whendoigetadayoff · 02/04/2016 21:12

In many cultures calling an adult family friend OR relative aunt or uncle is sign of respect. My kids call family friends and god parents aunt / uncle and there's no blood between us. I want them to feel loved and care for and they don't have many blood relatives. Maybe she will calm down when hormones settle and she has more sleep as she is new mum

sleeponeday · 02/04/2016 21:12

She sounds awful. The poor sprog.

threeelephants · 02/04/2016 21:17

I'd add a screenshot of her text to you to the comments section of the sister's boyfriend fb post.

StopBoasting · 02/04/2016 21:17

Are you sure it wasn't a late Aprils Fool. It's so crazy it doesn't sound real.

Catvsworld · 02/04/2016 21:17

Tbh I would not get involved

You don't like the brothers wife leave it to your brother to cater for his nices
my sil dosent like me at all after years of getting her kids cards for birthdays ect and not even a thank you now I just leave it to my husband I very much class them as my nephews she clearly dosent class me as auntie so I gave up spared my self the pain

OpenMe · 02/04/2016 21:21

I can't believe the number of people suggesting "smart" responses. When do they ever help, in ant situation?

SIL has just had baby, she's allowed/supposed to be a bit unhinged. Anything op says to get back at her is only going to make op look bad.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 02/04/2016 21:22

That's very mean

I know some people are slightly obsessive who is and who isn't called auntie/uncle and only those who really are can be otherwise it's seen as common Hmm

But sounds as though she is trying to put you in your place ignore her

Sedona123 · 02/04/2016 21:22

Oh dear. Your soon to be SIL is either a total bitch or a complete weirdo. I can understand not wanting to call just about every adult Auntie X and Uncle X (as lots of us had to in the 70's), but relatives are a completely different matter.

I think that I would just totally ignore. Also, you and your almost DH should just refer to yourself by your first names in future if she's going to be such a twat about the whole issue.