To be upset about comments over me not being auntie

[sazzleish]

Ok, so DP's brother and his wife have recently had their first child. I will say in the first instance that I do not get on with the wife but am civil in family situations. I am engaged to DP and we are marrying soon.

Anyway, when the baby was born I organised a gift and card, we were both very excited to meet the baby, it's the first in either of our families. I signed the card Uncle DP and Auntie me. I know I'm not technically his auntie yet but as we are getting married in two months I didn't think it was worth saying anything different.

Today I received a text from baby's mum asking would I please not refer to myself as auntie because I wasn't even married and they don't want child referring to non-blood relatives as auntie and uncle. I was taken aback and really quite upset, I consider him just as much my nephew as if my sister had a child. I don't differentiate between my own aunties and uncles and love them all equally.

So am I being unreasonable or should I just refer to myself as my name in future cards etc?

[Nofunkingworriesmate]

Do clintons do AuntyMcAuntface cards ? Better still get a big shiny customised banner/ balloon with hugs and kisses from your AUNTY!!.... Snappy snaps do a lovely customised cushion which could have your big smiling face on it and " love from AUNTY XXxxxxxxxxxxxxx
That should do it...

[iamdivergent]

She sounds crazy. My dsis has been with her (now) DH for 10yrs, DD1 is 11 and has called him uncle since she was about 3, so when she could talk I suppose. DD2 has always known him as uncle even though they only married 2yrs ago.

OTOH bils ltp is just 'name' she's never said she is auntie or mentioned it though I have heard her say nieces if she's talking about them to someone. I'd be fine with it though. DH step mother is known as 'name' too but when we speak about her she is referred to as gran and she refers to the girls as her granddaughters.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I would get married then for every birthday, Christmas, Christening, Easter, etc.... sign the card; sazz (AIL)
And then just leave it at that.

[WetLettuce123]

Er, I can see why you don't get on with her! What a maniac. Non blood relatives are still aunties and uncles once they are married. I would reply saying something like: "No problem, sorry I suppose I am two months premature! Looking forward to being an Auntie in two months time. Hope you like the card and gift. xxxx"

Once you are married to anyone, you immediately assume the titles which the different relatives have to address you with. You have to get married before you get these title(i.e. you're not a brother-in-law, unless you are married and then by law you are a brother, although not a blood-brother).

[ceebie]

FWIW, I don't agree with Candy's approach.

I do think you will have to develop the hide of a rhino with your SIL FutureSIL. It's unlikely you'll ever have a close relationship, and she'll always be very hard work. I agree that you shouldn't invest too much in her and you should let your DP deal with her as much as possible. However, I don't think it's worth telling everyone what a cow she's being or cutting off contact with her, because I don't think that joining in with the bad feeling will do you or your DP any favours. I think that just leaving her to be a cow on her own is a dignified approach. Accept that she's not particularly pleasant and don't let her get you down.

I wonder if your DP signed a card "Uncle Himself and Auntie Partner" would your SIL tell him not to sign for you as Auntie? Or is she only capable of directing such comments to you?

[ceebie]

Text back: "Wow, hadn't realised the baby was talking already! Would you like me to phone the baby to apologise for my mistake and explain the situation? I'll be sure to only refer to myself as Auntie once we're married. You do realise that we will be marrying soon, don't you, despite lack of welcome from certain future in-laws? Anyway, in the meantime do you think it would be approprate for me to sign cards as Uncle DP and Future-Auntie Me? Best wishes, Future Sister-in-law To Be But Not Actually Sister-in-law Yet"

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

That's so sad. You most definitely are Auntie.

I, like others, grew up calling various people older than me Aunt and Uncle, and tbh it annoyed me when I was a teenager and stopped with everyone but relations and my Godfather. To my mind it suggested a closer relationship than we actually had (most of these not being close friends of my parents' - when I was a child everyone was either Mr/Mrs or Uncle/Aunt, there was no middle ground).

I declined being Aunt to a few friends' children for this reason, but accepted to my closest friend who I've known for most of my life. I am Auntie to both her children and although I only see them once a year if that I do send them things and she keeps me in their lives as much as she can. My mother hates the fact that I refer to the boys as my nephews, but I feel that if I'm their aunt it's logical, and my friend loves the fact that I do consider them to be family and is more than happy for me to do so.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

They're not coming to your wedding so your BIL to be and his mad wife have made their position clear unless you are jetting off to the Bahamas to be married and your wedding location is simply unaffordable/logistically difficult/newborn not welcome

So I would say nothing at all other than.

"Noted. Your lack of thanks or any acknowledgement for the gift for Baby X is also noted. "

Then everything that CandyKane has said.

[Kaddy]

A bit drastic but how about changing your name by deed poll to ...... Auntie.

[Sighing]

Be sure to do a wedding speech thanking specific people for welcoming you into their family.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

(Because in my opinion, she's said that to be bitchy not because it actually bothers any sane person)

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

I never get this 'you're not blood so you're not an auntie' thing.

You're the kids auntie. By marriage rather than blood but so what?

I'd let your partner write the cards from now on. Ridiculous bitch that your SIL is.

[PuppyMonkey]

Just text back: "Lol."

[CutYourHairAndGetAJob]

How odd. Dp and I are not married but I refer to his family as my in laws, and vice versa, and all of our siblings' children call us auntie and uncle. We have been together since before any of them were born and we have our own kids if that makes any difference.

[CodyKing]

Set the seating plan for her to be on the friends table - closest to the toilet

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

She's a nasty bitch. Let her have it her way, but I tell you one thing. If in 12 months she's looking for a baby sitter and asks you. I'd tell her where to go, after all. You're no relation to the child are you. And even if you were married to her brother. You'll never be blood related will you!!!. I think she needs to educate her self on families ect and all that crap about blood. Good luck to her in telling that to adopted families.

[cavedescreux]

Do not dignify this rubbish with any sort of response. She's an idiot.

[girlywhirly]

She strikes me as immature, manipulative and actually very insecure. I'm sorry for you OP, there is no need for this level of nastiness from her. Lets hope that she grows up!

The fact that she is NC with DP's DM as well speaks volumes.

[Groovee]

That's just awful. I'd be tempted to stick her outside on the seating plan at the wedding and say, " oh your text said we weren't family"

[LordoftheTits]

That's bizarre. My uncle's long term partner is as much my auntie as my mum's sister. I also call my mum's cousin "auntie".

My best friend's daughter calls me auntie and we're in no way related!

She sounds like a wanker.

[RedOnHerHedd]

That's horrible! My mum got with her partner only a few months before DS1 was born and right from the start he was known as Grampy. Almost 12 years on, they're not married and he's still Grampy. If they split up he'd still be Grampy and we would still have contact with him regardless of him not being a blood relative. Blood means nothing. I have blood relatives that are a waste of space, and then my mum's partner who is absolutely amazing.

I would continue to sign from uncle DP and auntie you. Hopefully you will just be known as auntie anyway.

[Brokenbiscuit]

I think you've done the right thing in not replying, OP. Don't dignify her stupid text with an answer.

However, I would be tempted to write back saying, "Ah, such a shame, I was so looking forward to being an auntie, spoiling baby and buying her presents etc, but of course I will respect your wishes and keep my distance in the future if that's how you feel."

And if your DH remembers to sort any birthday cards in the future, I think id want him to sign them "from Uncle X and Mrs DH". The child is bound to ask why at some point in the future!

[RabbitSaysWoof]

I think it's more about this girl not liking the op and wanting to put a bit more distance there. I'm sure if they were friends she would be called Auntie.

[TheNaze73]

Although I suppose she's technically right, if this bothers her seriously, then she has issues. I'd do it all the more, just to wind her up. There are millions in the world, dying of starvation & she's worried about that? WTAF??

[sweetbabyray]

EnPapillot that's exactly the point I was making, it's just so difficult to judge isn't it?

I would say in the OPs situation definitely Auntie would be expected for me, but in a new relationship or when they come on to the scene after the DC are born as in your case it's not clear.