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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just signed a DNR for my nan.

121 replies

EveOnline2016 · 01/04/2016 23:09

Posted for traffic.

I feel like I have sentenced my nan to a death sentence, I am nan next to kin and have power of attorney after all the years caring for her.

My mind is in bits, I really don't know where to turn.

My nan is not in a great place and is in hospital and I am at a loss of what to do.

I can't loose my nan.

She has dementia and cancer, there is nothing more that can be done, palletive nurse and many other people have done a wonderful job at making nan comfortable.

Have I made the right move, fucking family has made me feel like shit.

Where was there when I have been washing and changing my nan and making sure her meds and meals have been done.

OP posts:
Original poster
EveOnline2016 · 01/04/2016 23:10

Sorry if none of my post make sense.

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 01/04/2016 23:12

You're looking after her. You're doing the very best you can for her. I'm sorry things are difficult with your family Flowers

MsWazowski · 01/04/2016 23:12

So sorry you're going through this. You're doing the best you can for your nan, it's hard Flowers

ShmooBooMoo · 01/04/2016 23:13

Awww... You've been a wonderful grandchild! Like you say, where were those who are now complaining when you were caring for your nan? I can feel your pain in your post. I can tell this wasn't easy for you and you've signed for your nan's sake, not your own. That total selflessness. Be kind to yourself Flowers

VimFuego101 · 01/04/2016 23:14

If it were me I would want a DNR too. Resuscitating someone isn't how they show it on casualty, it's extremely invasive and with limited success.

ChoccyJules · 01/04/2016 23:14

It made sense, don't worry about that.
You have done what you are presumably advised by medical people is the kindest thing for your nan now, it is a brave and extremely difficult decision for you. Your family will all be going through their own stuff and I am sorry they are hurting you in the process. Flowers

AStreetcarNamedBob · 01/04/2016 23:14

This is the right decision. Please be kind to yourself.

SquidgeyMidgey · 01/04/2016 23:14

Sometimes the kindest thing is the hardest. She has no way of recovering, all you have done is ask the hospital not to take heroic measures if she slips away. Take care Flowers

Coldtoeswarmheart · 01/04/2016 23:15

You have done the right thing, to give your Nan a chance to slip away peacefully.

I hope you find some peace yourself tonight. Flowers

Original poster
EveOnline2016 · 01/04/2016 23:15

I know this sounds not nice, but hope my nan has a fast death. I don't want her to die but she has been though enough.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 01/04/2016 23:15

It sounds like completely the right thing to have done.
Your Nan has given you power of attorney because she trusted you to do the right things for her. Even when it is heartbreaking for you.
Hold on to the fact that you have done all you can for her, you have been there and ensured her life was cherished and remained dignified until the end.

PuntasticUsername · 01/04/2016 23:16

No, I know exactly what you mean and it makes complete sense.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 01/04/2016 23:16

You must feel so conflicted, but please try not to bash yourself. You've chosen a kinder route for your nan, and in time you'll see that. Be kind to yourself.

FrogFairy · 01/04/2016 23:19

Your love for your Nan shines out of every word you posted.

When you truly love someone sometimes you have to put their needs above your feelings. You have been brave enough to do this.

Know that your nan returns your love and is proud of you even if she is unable to tell you.

Original poster
EveOnline2016 · 01/04/2016 23:21

Not stopped crying. I wish there was some cure

OP posts:
JustABigBearAlan · 01/04/2016 23:21

Yes, you've done the right thing. You haven't sentenced her to a death sentence. What you have done is - hopefully - help to ensure that she doesn't have a long, lingering painful last few days before death.
You don't know what will happen - the DNR might never be needed anyway.
Flowers

SecretWitch · 01/04/2016 23:23

Sending you hugs and prayers for peace for you and your beloved Nan. Xx

Lemonblast · 01/04/2016 23:23

You have done the right thing. Cardiopulmonary resuscitation in someone as frail as your beloved Nan would be traumatic and distressing and with minimal chance of any success. Your love for her and your bravery in facing up to this decision means that she will have a peaceful and dignified path ahead.

Fedupd0tcom · 01/04/2016 23:24

I was where you were today a year ago with my Dad. It was heartbreaking. But you know what. You are doing the right thing. Sending you a massive hug. You're incredibly brave. Be kind to yourself. You love your Nan and are doing right for her because you do not want her to suffer. X

Original poster
EveOnline2016 · 01/04/2016 23:27

Thank you all.

Really could do with a nice coffee, the nursing staff are fantastic with coffee. The husband better deliver one in the morning.

OP posts:
SnuffleGruntSnorter · 01/04/2016 23:28

You've done the right thing. Resuscitation is brutal and invasive and unlikely to work even in optimal circumstances. It's not like on TV. A dignified end is what most people would want in your Nan's situation.

Not resuscitating doesn't mean giving up either, there's still all of healthcare that isn't that one procedure.

elfycat · 01/04/2016 23:28

You have not signed a death sentence (nurse here). A DNR is not a 'don't treat' document. it is rather an acknowledgement that when you Nan dies, in her own time and way, they will allow it to happen.

Resuscitation is not what they make it out in films and on TV. It is brutal and aggressive treatment that has, at best, a low success rate. In order to need resuscitating the body has to have stopped, for some reason. In your Nan's case there are 2 illnesses that cannot be treated, she cannot recover and resuscitation would not be the right thing for her.

But there is no blame on you. Signing the DNR or not your nan cannot survive and become well again. Had you not signed it the medical team can, and most probably would make the call to stop any resuscitation attempts very quickly. DNR is a medical decision, not a family one.

Your family are trying to deny the inevitable, by any means they can, rational or not. You are more accepting of reality here and have stepped up to help make correct decisions. You have power of attorney because you are capable of holding it.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope your nan is as comfortable as is possible.

Original poster
EveOnline2016 · 01/04/2016 23:28

Need to be on my phone as I want to punch aunties who are here.

OP posts:
SecretWitch · 01/04/2016 23:31

Ignore, Aunties..talk to us. Or perhaps now would be a good time for a cuppa and a short break?

MrTCakes · 01/04/2016 23:32

So sorry that you are going through this.
I'm glad that your Nan is comfortable, when the time comes she will slip away like she is falling asleep. She won't be scared.
You have done so well caring for her.