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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just signed a DNR for my nan.

121 replies

EveOnline2016 · 01/04/2016 23:09

Posted for traffic.

I feel like I have sentenced my nan to a death sentence, I am nan next to kin and have power of attorney after all the years caring for her.

My mind is in bits, I really don't know where to turn.

My nan is not in a great place and is in hospital and I am at a loss of what to do.

I can't loose my nan.

She has dementia and cancer, there is nothing more that can be done, palletive nurse and many other people have done a wonderful job at making nan comfortable.

Have I made the right move, fucking family has made me feel like shit.

Where was there when I have been washing and changing my nan and making sure her meds and meals have been done.

OP posts:

Eva50 · 02/04/2016 10:57

You have absolutely done the right thing. When my Mum died the neighbours called an ambulance so the crew had to attempt resuscitation. It's not what she would have wanted. It's not what I wanted and I wish she had been allowed to go peacefully.

You have done the right thing. Those who say you haven't just don't understand.

ApocalypseSlough · 02/04/2016 10:59

Your love for your Nan shines out from your posts. We all want someone like you in our corner!

AlwaysDancing1234 · 02/04/2016 11:15

I've been in a similar position to you, it's awful but given the circumstances you've described you've made absolutely the right decision. Rather than a brutal resus which will leave her in goodness know what state, you have allowed her to be left alone to die more peacefully.

Alexa444 · 02/04/2016 11:25

At the risk of sounding a bit brutal with the honesty here, nothing you do will make a difference. Her condition is terminal, she will pass away whatever you do or don't sign. All you have done is chosen to make the last moments of her life peaceful and dignified. Recusitation is not a gentle thing. It is brutal and painful and in this case will only serve to prolong her suffering. I think it would be needlessly cruel if there is no chance of a full recovery or quality of life. I know if I had a terminal illness I would want my kids/grandkids to be kind enough to sign one for me. You've done the right thing and it is what she would want. Point out to your asshole family that they would afford a dog more dignity than they are suggesting showing your nan and if they give you hassle, tell them to kindly fuck off. Xxx

Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2016 13:24

I totally agree with you Alexa, she has terminal conditions, and will probably die soon, so you are just prolonging her suffering by signing a DNR. Guilt on the side of your family I think. They do not sound like they know your nan very well, there is a reason why you are POA and they are not!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2016 13:25

I don't normally swear, but tell them to feck off.

FreeSpirit89 · 02/04/2016 14:01

My grandfather signed his own three weeks before he passed. The dr discussed his options with us, and we were told that resuscitation can be successful and the family's never think about the effects of the patient after the event. I won't go into

Lifeisontheup2 · 02/04/2016 14:04

You can have a DNR form at home too, if a relative is at home ask for one and make sure everyone concerned with their care knows where it is. Ambulance control can also be made aware especially if it is in a nursing/care home, it's not a perfect system but it does work most of the time.

EveryoneElsie · 02/04/2016 14:08

You have done the right thing.
I have several friends who did not do this and bitterly regret it. My friends Mum was resuscitated, and the first thing she said was 'Oh. Am I still here?' In a desperately tired voice. She was never the same after.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 02/04/2016 14:14

You did the right thing Much love to you OP, and to all of you who have been faced with this.

GabiSolis · 02/04/2016 14:18

OP you have done the right thing because it is considered, thoughtful and done out of love. No reasonable person can say otherwise.

Lots of love from me.

pointythings · 02/04/2016 14:21

You did the right thing. My dad has Parkinson's and dementia and he is fading. He has a DNR in place, signed off by my mum but (fortunately for us) everyone in the family is in total agreement. We are all mortal, we have just got so bad at accepting that.

diddl · 02/04/2016 14:25

It sounds as if there was a very good reason that she chose you to have POA.

In reality, who would the not having of a DNR benefit?

Your Nan?

Or the people left behind who don't want to let go?

StiickEmUp · 02/04/2016 14:26

I would want a DNR in the situation you describe.
I'm sorry you are going through this

MartinaJ · 02/04/2016 14:31

You did the right thing to protect the dignity of a person you love.

kansasmum · 02/04/2016 15:08

You have done the right thing for your Nan. I'm sorry you are being made to feel bad. I hope your Nan passes peacefully.
Big hugs and xx

Purplepixiedust · 02/04/2016 15:18

You have absolutely done the right thing. I signed one for my mum who had severe dementia and was in a care home. It took me weeks to decide from it first being suggested but in the end a lovely nurse sat with me and explained properley what I was signing. They would still treat her, including with anti-biotics for infections, it just meant that if her heart stopped, they could let her go peacefully and not do cpr. I also signed to say I didn't want her hospitalized. This meant if there was something she needed to go to hospial for like an injury (one time she had a cut and needed stitches) she would go for that but at the end of her life we would not cart her off to hospital, confuse her more, put her on iv fluids/iv antibiotics etc and increase her suffering for little or no chance of success. I wanted her to die where she felt (and was) safe, with people who know about her needs and cared about her. It was the right thing to do.

In the end she had pneumonia. Couldn't move, talk or swallow. The gp came and said there was nothing they could do except keep her free from pain and we agreed to keep her out of hospital. The gp said if it was his mum, that is what he would have wanted which again made me feel it was the right thing. She slipped peacefully away with no pain and no drama. I was with her. If there was no DNR they would have been obliged to try to bring her back with her being in a care home. It doesn't bear thinking about.

Be kind to yourself and ignore anyone who does not understand. They should keep their opinions to themselves but even if they don't, don't let them make you doubt yourself. Hospitals/care homes/doctors don't even suggest dnrs without good reason.

Olddear · 02/04/2016 16:25

You've made the right decision and if she was able, she'd tell you that herself.

GraysAnalogy · 02/04/2016 17:05

You have made the right decision.

As a medical HCP myself I would have one for myself and all my family members when the time is right.

Victoriaplum79 · 02/04/2016 17:56

If you are in the UK then I would just like to reiterate that legally DNAR decisions are a medical decision made by the patients medical team.

Yes it is recommended good practice to discuss the decision with either the patient themselves where appropriate or the NOK/ other relatives and to take into account their views however the final decision and paperwork is completed by the senior medical practitioner involved.

Please do not feel guilty for agreeing with the recommended care plan for your relative it is honestly the right decision for many patients when they come to the end of their lives.

bigbluebus · 02/04/2016 18:49

You have absolutely made the right decision. We agreed this with the hospital doctors for my DM recently and she died peacefully in her sleep 3 weeks ago. I have also just obtained a DNAR form from our GP for my 21 year old DD who has multiple disabilities and lacks the capacity to make this decision for herself. We have had to ask for this form as it is the only way we can prevent Paramedics from carrying out unecessary and fruitless attempts to revive her at home - which would leave her with life threatening injuries (ie broken ribs due to low bone density) which could kill her anyway. There is already a form in her hospital file. It doesn't mean she won't get any treatment at all - just that she won't be subjected to brutal resusitation.
I hope your Nan passes peacefully when the time comes.

RealityCheque · 02/04/2016 18:54

Another vote for correct decision. Most rational people would want the same in your nan's situation.

Be strong.

DownInFraggleRock · 02/04/2016 21:55

I'm sorry your nan is dying.... And I absolutely think you're doing the right thing. You're giving her a chance to hopefully slip away the way we'd all want to go, rather than bring her back from the dead, just to die another day. Why would you not want that for her?

IAmNotAMindReader · 02/04/2016 22:10

You have absolutely done the right thing. For the hospital to suggest it means they think the chances of success should they need to resuscitate are minimal and it will do more harm than good.

You have assured your Nan as peaceful a passing as you possibly can.

Back in the early 90's this wasn't a thing when my Granddad had a terminal condition. He had deteriorated and had been in hospital for a few weeks when his heart stopped. They brought him back 3 times and my Nan had to beg them to stop as what they put him through was horrific (they thought they were trying their best to prolong life). That is the part you have to balance, is it right to have medical intervention to prolong life at any cost?

maggienolia · 03/04/2016 15:39

Agreeing with everyone else that you have done the right thing at such a difficult time
If at home though please make sure that there's a copy of the DNR easily accessed. I'm a carer and we had a gent who was terminally ill ;his wife mentioned that he had a DNR but hadn't got a copy which put me in a difficult position if the worst had happened.
All the best OP.

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