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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just signed a DNR for my nan.

121 replies

EveOnline2016 · 01/04/2016 23:09

Posted for traffic.

I feel like I have sentenced my nan to a death sentence, I am nan next to kin and have power of attorney after all the years caring for her.

My mind is in bits, I really don't know where to turn.

My nan is not in a great place and is in hospital and I am at a loss of what to do.

I can't loose my nan.

She has dementia and cancer, there is nothing more that can be done, palletive nurse and many other people have done a wonderful job at making nan comfortable.

Have I made the right move, fucking family has made me feel like shit.

Where was there when I have been washing and changing my nan and making sure her meds and meals have been done.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 03/04/2016 15:48

Agree a correct decision. Not signing a DNR means she wouldn't have had the chance to die peacefully in her bed and would have meant people jumping up and down on her chest and sticking ventilation tubes in her. Resuscitiation is highly unlikely to work anyway.
When you are old and frail everyone should be able to just stop breathing and die.
I must sort out a living will to ensure if I get dementia I'm not given antibiotics, hospital admissions and life prolonging treatment by well meaning relatives when my quality of life has gone. (not related to the DNR order which doesn't cover these things but we have become afraid of dying and prolong life when the point of living and being alive has gone).

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/04/2016 16:03

My sister with agreement from me signed our mum for DNR. It broke our hearts to do so, but, It would have been cruel to bring her back. She would have no quality of life, and been in pain. I know if that were me. Id rather be dead. Miss her as I do. I wouldn't wake her up. I'm now at the part where. I'm glad she's at peace.
If your poor nan has cancer and dementia. I think DNR is the most selfless and humane decision you could have made.

Flumplet · 03/04/2016 16:12

Argh what an awful position to be in, I'm so sorry OP. I think you've absolutely done the right thing, particularly if her quality of life would be poor.

CharleyDavidson · 03/04/2016 16:23

Such a tricky decision to have to make.

Late last year, when our Dad was terminally ill with cancer, we were told there was nothing more that could be done. He had complete bowel obstruction from his tumour and nothing could reverse it. They actually discussed with us in a positive way, explaining more than asking, that the DNR was the right thing and not something we needed to decide on as it was in place and was the best for Dad.

It's a horrible place and time to be in, OP.

CyclingFanGirl · 03/04/2016 16:31

Just wanted to know I'm thinking about you. You have given your Nan the best possible chance of a dignified, peaceful death, the doctors and nurses would not have let you make this decision if they did not also think it was in her best interests. I have had this conversation with many many families in your position, it's horribly hard every single time, but your Nan must have known what she was doing when she asked you to be her power of attorney, not the aunts.

Original poster

EveOnline2016 · 05/04/2016 23:27

Thank you all for your replays, sorry not been on sooner.

My nan passed away this morning. I am heart broken and feel numb. At least the pain team made her comfortable until she died

I feel so lost right now, may not post after this as this has taken me 2 hours to write. But that may you for making me feel like I made the right decision.

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/04/2016 23:36

Oh I'm so sorry Eve. Sending you lots of love and support and a massive virtual hug
((((((((((((()))))))))))))))). Comfort yourself though with the fact that your lovely nan is now at peace and you have done all you could for her. That's what gets me through about my mum. The pain has now stopped, she's at peace. I have nothing but wonderful memories or such a fantastic mum. What's sad about that. Xx

CockacidalManiac · 05/04/2016 23:38

You certainly did. A good death is all that any of us can hope for in life, with decent pain relief if required. You helped to ensure that would happen for her.
for your loss.

JapaneseSlipper · 05/04/2016 23:38

You did the right thing. Well done, and wishing you strength for the days and weeks to come. Your nan would be proud.

unlucky83 · 06/04/2016 00:17

So sorry {flowers]
At least she was comfortable and is now feel from any pain or suffering. She is at peace.
And she lives on in your memories.

olympicsrock · 06/04/2016 00:23

So sorry. You are definitely doing the right thing allowing her to pass with dignity when her time comes. Elfy cat was spot on .it dies not mean do not treat, it just means at the very end there should not be a resuscitation attempt that would not help her and prevent you holding her hand peacefully at the end. Hugs.

PageStillNotFound404 · 06/04/2016 02:02

I'm so sorry Eve

You did the right thing. Be kind to yourself.

Itinerary · 06/04/2016 02:15

So sorry Eve

AlwaysDancing1234 · 06/04/2016 07:09

So sorry to hear about your loss Eve. I know you must be fed up already of people saying "at least she's now at peace" but try and take a small amount of comfort in it. Also know that you dos the right thing by sparing her further pain and distress. Hugs for you (((()))))

Squiff85 · 06/04/2016 08:02

So sorry Eve. You did the right thing x

CrikeyPeg · 06/04/2016 10:06

So sorry for your loss Eve Your nan was lucky to have you looking after her and loving her xx

Creampastry · 06/04/2016 10:14

She had dignity, which in her position was priceless, and you gave that to her. The alternatives are can be frankly dreadful and heartbreaking.

So sorry for your loss.

Jessbow · 06/04/2016 10:47

You did the right thing, and now she is at peace. Be kind to yourself.

Goingtobeawesome · 06/04/2016 10:56

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please believe everyone saying you did a kind and brave thing.

I am greatful to everyone explaining what resuscitation means in real life as the telly clearly is sanitised.

I was nine months pregnant and the last week of my Nana's life was turmoil. I'd go to bed and touch wood she wouldn't die in the night but also hope she would pass away in her sleep. She'd had enough. Had been a widow for decades. Had got cancer for the second time and was given 3-12 months to live. She died after 10 weeks.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 06/04/2016 22:51

You completely did the right thing and you actively helped your nan have a peaceful and dignified death. She was lucky to have you for her granddaughter. I'm not sure if " well done" is appropriate but that's what I think.

Very sorry for your loss Eve

ChishandFips33 · 07/04/2016 22:10

So so sorry to hear about your loss Eve. Sending thoughts, hugs and some virtual flowers

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