Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Just signed a DNR for my nan.

121 replies

EveOnline2016 · 01/04/2016 23:09

Posted for traffic.

I feel like I have sentenced my nan to a death sentence, I am nan next to kin and have power of attorney after all the years caring for her.

My mind is in bits, I really don't know where to turn.

My nan is not in a great place and is in hospital and I am at a loss of what to do.

I can't loose my nan.

She has dementia and cancer, there is nothing more that can be done, palletive nurse and many other people have done a wonderful job at making nan comfortable.

Have I made the right move, fucking family has made me feel like shit.

Where was there when I have been washing and changing my nan and making sure her meds and meals have been done.

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 02/04/2016 06:19

I did The same for my nan who passed away last year aged 92. She went peacefully and I sat with her.
My family had 'opinions' about her and her care but it was me who ultimately looked after her. This and the dividing of the month was the only real time they had opinions. I took nearly a year to arrange a date people would commit to to scatter her ashes!!! That makes me really cross!!!!

hopefulmama36 · 02/04/2016 06:42

Yes I think you are absolutely. No one wants a loved one to die. My gran died 2 and a half years after a fall left her with significant brain injury. She also had dementia, we were told at the time not to expect her to last the night. She did and we had two more years with her but the DNR my mum and aunt signed was done out of love for her. It takes so much guts to do that for someone and I actually think letting someone go when you want them to stay is immensely brave.

BoboChic · 02/04/2016 06:49

Last year my mother died,music weeks ago my father died and yesterday my brother-in-law died. My aunt has recently been at death's door. I promise you, OP, that there is nothing wrong and everything right with wanting a very ill and/old person to die peacefully and quickly when their time comes. We are not meant to live forever and living in poor health can be totrture.

randdom · 02/04/2016 07:32

You have completely one the right thing.

The decision that you have made means that when the time comes (which might be during this illness or another one) you have given your grandmother the chance to pass away peacefully with dignity. You are respecting her best interests above and beyond your own desires (understandably to have her with you).

Your love for her shines thought in this post.

Creampastry · 02/04/2016 08:34

Agree, you've done the right thing. As sad as it is, it's what she would want, and she chose you, she trusts you. A heavy burden to bear but you're strong.

ChishandFips33 · 02/04/2016 08:38

You have made the right decision, please believe that although every inch of your body tells you it's not and to try and keep her going

All you do is prolong the agony for her and what you've watched her go through starts over again.

You are being just as kind and loving by signing it as you have been in everything else you've tenderly done for her. Ignore your Aunts - where've they been when your nan has needed them!

I was in your shoes for a parent and I cried myself to sleep wondering if I'd done the right thing - but when the end came I knew in my heart it was and have not one regret.

Be kind to yourself and remember your memories of her

Mishaps · 02/04/2016 08:41

She has dementia and cancer - you are right to let her go in peace. Well done. It is the final kind act for her that shows how much you love her. I admire you.

Libitina · 02/04/2016 08:42

Op, you are absolutely doing the right thing for your Nan. A DNAR does not mean that they won't treat her, just that if she goes in to cardiac arrest, they will not resuscitate her. They will still keep her comfortable.
Please be gentle on yourself .

Musicaltheatremum · 02/04/2016 08:57

You have absolutely agreed with the correct decision. I'm a medical professional. Elfycat's post was superb, I would feel very confident with her as my nurse.
My husband had a DNACPR. he had a brain tumour whicch after 12 years had become aggressive. Middle of brain, no treatment possible. I would have hated him to have been ressusitated and IT actually wouldn't have worked. He was only 50.
Why not show your Aunties this thread.
I too much prefer the phrase "allow natural death" let's bring humanity back into this.

Bearsinmotion · 02/04/2016 09:07

I love this typo:

In the end she had a DNAR and skipped away after falling asleep naturally.

My nanna was amazingly healthy for 92 years. In her 93rd year it was like her body called time and she deteriorated rapidly. Luckily she had made it clear if that happened we were to let her go, and that's pretty much what happened.

But in my mind, she fell asleep, saw my grandad, who died many years earlier, and skipped away

In short, she trusted you to do the right thing, and I think that's exactly what you've done

Lifeisontheup2 · 02/04/2016 09:13

I've just got back from work having sat in someones house and held their hand as they slipped away. Like your Nan they had cancer plus other conditions. I was so pleased that they had a DNR already in place, an attempt at resuscitation would have been pointless, it's really not like on TV, clothes are ripped off, ribs break, a needle is often drilled into bone to deliver drugs, it's brutal and rarely successful unless the person is normally well.
You have not sentenced her to death, life had done that. Look after yourself , and I hope her passing, when it comes, is as gentle, respectful and peaceful as my patients was last night.

larry5 · 02/04/2016 09:14

I am sure that you have done the right thing. My Dm died last year having stated that she didn't want to be resuscitated. She had a heart attack at home when I was with her and although she wanted to be left alone to die I called 999 and paramedics came. They knew that she had a DNR so prepared to give her pain relief but she died before they could give her any.

It was very difficult for me to go along with her wishes but I knew (she had told everyone several times) that if she had a heart attack she wanted that to be that.

She had been in hospital for five weeks with a bad chest infection that we had been warned could be fatal and I knew she was furious that she had been kept alive and allowing her to have the death she wanted was the last thing that I could do for my lovely mother.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2016 09:16

Yes Yes you are doing the right thing. Your nan has 2 terminal illnesses, it is the kindest thing you can do. You are the one caring for your nan, you are responsible for her. Where are they? All good to pass judgement. keep doing what you are doing, because you are doing a fantastic jobxxx

Minisoksmakehardwork · 02/04/2016 09:22

My family have recently done this for my grandma too. 96, Alzheimer's and cancer. With the agreement of the dr she's no longer being forced to take any of the medication she should take if she doesn't want to.

At the end of the day, she is old. She is being made to suffer unnecessarily by forcing her to do things she does not want to do and she has said she wishes she were gone.

It is kinder to let her go when she is ready to than to subject her to what may be a forceful, invasive and unwanted route back to life. A life where she just lays in bed and eats/ drinks as she sees fit. The episode which started this was when she refused to eat and barely drank enough to keep her alive.

I'm sure your Nan is in a similar place albeit closer to the end if she's in hospital with palliative care. The way I looked at it was if she were an animal, we'd have no hesitation taking them to the vets in the same circumstances and they would be allowed to go peacefully and with dignity. Why should a person be any different. As long as she is comfortable and not suffering then you are doing the right thing. No one wants to lose someone they are close to. But it would be worse to keep bringing them back when their body is in no condition to maintain life.

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 02/04/2016 09:24

It's sound like you've taken great care of your Nan, this final act is the last great kindness you can do.

Lifeisontheup2 · 02/04/2016 09:27

I would like to reiterate that a DNR does not mean infections etc won't be treated . It simply means that in the event of the person stopping breathing, CPR won't be started.

HappydaysArehere · 02/04/2016 09:45

When I was asked the dnr question for both my parents my first thought was please may they just go to sleep and not suffer.

cecinestpasunepipe · 02/04/2016 09:47

I had to do this for my husband last November. It was made easier because at the time he was in the resus unit, and the man in the next cubicle went into cardiac arrest and had CPR, electric shocks, adrenalin injections, the lot. It was absolute chaos with staff running around this way and that, calling out - just horrible. The poor man died anyway, so the next morning, when the medics discussed my own husband having a DNR put on his files, it was an easy decision to make. Be aware though, that the DNR on the hospital file only applies to the hospital, so if the patient goes home or into another setting and an ambulance has to be called, the paramedics will do CPR . This happened to my husband who stopped breathing in his nursing home, and the nursing staff there revived him, and again the paramedics when they arrived. As it was only pulmonary arrest, and not cardiac arrest (they got to him very quickly) it was not too traumatic, and I was able to spend that final two days with him before he slipped peacefully away. Sorry if I am not making much sense, it is still very recent (end of February).

QuerkyJo · 02/04/2016 09:47

There was a reason why your Nan gave you PoA and not your Aunts. Seemed she was a very wise lady judging by the difference in your treatment of her compared to theirs.

My mum died last year after being admitted with a stroke. She had an end of life plan and this made it easier for the Doctors. The DNR meant only, no aggressive resuscitation. She was kept on fluids, pain relief and an occasional antibiotic via the fluid drip. She was unable to eat or drink. When I queried the antibiotic they said it was to ensure that there was no pain from infections that she was unable to articulate.

She had a very peaceful death, the fluid only being withdrawn 36 hours before she died. She went the way she wanted. No fuss, no more pain.

It is hard enough losing someone, without the judginess of others. Hopefully you will carry your head high, knowing how much your Nan trusted you in possibly the most important decision of her life.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 02/04/2016 09:49

OP you have definitely done the right thing. You have done it for her benefit.

People get old, they get ill, they die, we grieve, we remember them. That's how it goes.

Prolonging their life artificially and pointlessly isn't a kindness.

Look after yourself

gamerwidow · 02/04/2016 09:55

Op you have done the best possible for your nan. Prolonging life against all odds is more cruel than letting a seriously ill loved one pass away.
She will still get the very best care until her final moments but will suffer less.

HSMMaCM · 02/04/2016 10:00

I had to do this for my father. It was absolutely the right thing to do. You are doing what is best for your nan, not your aunties.

UpsidedownDog · 02/04/2016 10:26

You made the right decision and showed strength when you were in a tough set of circumstances. Sometimes we have to love someone enough to let them go and the DNR decision you made for your nan was one that would ensure she passed on in peace and with dignity.

queenMab99 · 02/04/2016 10:36

The hospital would not suggest this if it was not the best thing, don't feel guilty you are doing the very best for her, you know this really, but it is not a situation you are used to so panic sets in. Ignore any negative remarks or unsettling comments from those who are not as close to her.

sashh · 02/04/2016 10:50

You have done the right thing.

My dad did this for my mum, me and my brother (both NHS background) both agreed.

Sorry to say this but your nan is almost ready to pass away, not signing a dnr might give her a few more minutes, or even hours or in some cases days - but not good health, not necessarily pain free.

It is what is right for your nan, not anyone else.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5