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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to allow my fussiest child to dictate the family's meal plan?

148 replies

LittleNelle · 29/03/2016 15:52

I just can't deal with the moaning and refusal from my 5yo at every meal time anymore. My parents have been nagging me to just feed him what he'll eat so I have decided to try that.

We went through a meal plan together and he has nominated 14 meals, including vegetables, that he promises he will eat. AIBU to just cook those dinners and nothing else?

OP posts:
sn0wdr0p4 · 29/03/2016 17:32

My mother used to say she should give me a microscope along with my knife and fork! And this was the fifties when fussy eaters hadn't been invented.
I was made to eat what I was given. Think sitting at the table for hours on end or having the same meal served the next day cold and congealed. This only had the effect of making me dislike certain foods more and more to the extent that I won't touch them even today.
As a result I have never made any of my children eat anything they didn't like as long as they at least tried it.

OnlyLovers · 29/03/2016 17:32

OP, then just carry on with 'eat it or go without'.

And he's only five; he's got plenty of time to change.

Spandexpants007 · 29/03/2016 17:33

Nobody's forcing anyone to eat anything!

I would just happily accept that he's not bothered about eating a specific meal and continue enjoying/eating it as a family anyway. Don't watch him push his food around. Think about nice things instead op

Spandexpants007 · 29/03/2016 17:35

Snow. Op is not sitting her child at the table for hours or serving the same meal the next day.

cricketballs · 29/03/2016 17:36

I also do the "this is what I'm cooking, eat what you want, leave what you want but that's your lot". even though we did have to go through a stage with DS2 on saying everything was chicken, which when he questioned why it was 'fishy chicken' we think we were rumbled

We still have meals that DS2 will not eat fully but hes getting more adventurous which I don't think would have happened if I had pandered to him

chopsychoo · 29/03/2016 17:36

My fussy eater eats plain pasta, plain spaghetti, chocolate spread or jam sandwiches. She might have an odd fish finger or chicken nugget. Smiley faces or waffles and luckily most fruit yoghurt and cheese. Breakfast is porridge, toast or pancakes. So for that reason mine doesn't dictate what we're having but I don't make her eat anything she doesn't want. I refuse to battle at mealtimes it upsets the whole house and isn't fair on anyone. I think you have enough choice there to keep everyone happy

CauliflowerBalti · 29/03/2016 17:37

Also, looking at the things you'd rather eat, I think they're challenging for a 5-year old. My boy eats really well imo but even he'd balk at some of that. Kids tastebuds change as they grow and doesn't mature until puberty. We're born with 30,000 tastebuds, as adults we have 10,000. Children honestly do perceive flavour in a different way to adults. They are way more sensitive and attuned to sweet, less inclined to savoury and bitter, for evolutionary reasons. Read up on it. It's interesting. Forcing him to eat things now that he does not like sets up negative perceptions. I'd be looking at ways to take the things he likes and add a twist for the rest of you. I disagree strongly with the people who are suggesting that letting him dictate this is giving him too much power. He SHOULD have some degree of control over what he eats, if he's to have a healthy relationship with food and the rest of you.

Fluffyears · 29/03/2016 17:44

People who say 'don't pander' and 'just tell him that's the lot' really have no idea. I live with a picky eater and even now if there isn't anything suitable he'll just go hungry. He didn't eat for over a week as a child and his mum Tom him to the doctor. Eventually he just ate one thing each mealtime and it would be the same thing for weeks on end like a piece of chicken or a pork chop. Just those things and nothing else on the plate. Even now he will rarely try anything outside his food repertoire and he's 37. He wasn't 'pandered to' but his mum was desperate for him to eat something so had to make foods he would eat.

diddl · 29/03/2016 17:45

I get where you're coming from OP.

14 meals might seem a lot, but when everyone else likes one thing & one doesn't, it must make it seem as if they are hard work!

Spandexpants007 · 29/03/2016 17:47

Kiddie food is a modern invention! I've always just served mine what is adults eat. Never forced them. Never really given alternatives. Always made meal times a nice occasion. They are great eaters. They will try anything happily. They like adult food and feel quietly cheated if ever served nuggets

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 29/03/2016 17:49

My two like 'build your own' meals. E.g. chicken wraps: here is a wrap each. Here is a selection of stuff to put in your wrap-chicken, cucumber, sweetcorn, lettuce, yoghurt etc. They swerve the stuff they don't like (each child has very different preferences, just to make life extra difficult).

Yesterday was build your own kedgeree. Here is (curried) rice for everyone: add egg, fried onion, parsley, prawns as desired. We almost got DD to try a prawn (yaaay!) but at the last moment, though tempted, she decided saying no to us was more fun than saying yes. Her resolve is weakening, we'll get her next time.

CauliflowerBalti · 29/03/2016 17:50

My best friend is a fussy/picky eater and he thinks it's because his mum forced him to clear the plate when he was little, regardless of whether he liked what was on it. He'd sit crying until 8 or 9 at night sometimes, but they made him eat it. As a result, the food he chooses as an adult is more limited than other adults I know. He was made to eat flavours his tastebuds weren't ready for, so he rejects them now. His veg repertoire in particular is tiny.

I've never forced my son to eat anything and he will always, always try new things. Anything. I think this is because he's never been labelled as 'picky' - even though at times he has been - and because I've not punished him for not liking something (by making him eat it anyway, or humiliating him) so there's no reason for him not to give it a go. You need to take all the emotion out of mealtimes for a bit.

ceeveebee · 29/03/2016 17:50

I wish my fussy DS would eat a tenth of that meal plan. He will eat only pasta (plain or with cheese sauce), plain rice, bread and things in breadcrumbs.

Why is it all or Nothing though? Could you not do a 14 day meal plan where a few of the meals are chosen by him and the others by the rest of you?

TremoloGreen · 29/03/2016 17:52

Fluffyears but that's a very extreme and really rare food/sensory issue that probably does warrant special treatment. And it's not what the OP is describing as her child eats a range of foods and she doesn't describe him starving himself.

Looly71 · 29/03/2016 17:54

I have a 'tasting day' on a Monday where I cook something no-one has tried before. They have to try it but if they really don't like it then they don't have to finish it and can have something different. Rest of the time they have whatever I'm cooking and if they don't like it then they go hungry. Harsh maybe but I don't think they shd be dictating family meals.

PhoenixReisling · 29/03/2016 17:54

Like others have said I wouldn't let my DC dictate what the family ate...it's not fair on your other children nor you really.

If he eats chicken and rice....then make a stir fry for everyone else
If he eats sausage and mash....then make a stew for everyone else
If he eats pasta....then make a risotto for everyone else

In regards to vegtables, mine will eat cooked peas/sweet corn/brocolli as well as crudités like carrot/cucumber/peppers. With everything else I cook then purée and stir into a bolognase/stew/curry and they never know...maybe try that?

I also wouldn't let him choose his school dinners. I always pick what DC eat (who are nearly five). I do pick things that I know will get eaten but I also pick things that I know will get picked at. At the start DC, would pick at their school dinners but now eat them (probably helps seeing their friends eating the same things as they do).

Xmasbaby11 · 29/03/2016 17:56

14 meals?! I'm so jealous! My fussy 4yo has 4 meals she eats and that includes sausages.

Original poster
LittleNelle · 29/03/2016 18:01

I don't get a choice about school dinners Phoenix - they pick what they want when they get to the serving hatch.

OP posts:
MadSprocker · 29/03/2016 18:03

I have good eaters, but I cook separate things when we have curry, as we like things spicy. I do the same basic ingredients, then do half for the children, half for us. Same goes for fajitas. I am the odd one out in my family, hating oily fish, so those nights I make myself something separate, because they should be eating those things. My ds2, who is 9, doesn't like rice, and makes such a fuss about it, but knows he will have it in one meal during the week. He is offered bread or a wrap as an alternative.

Groovee · 29/03/2016 18:04

I make one meal now. Ds isn't keen on mushrooms so Dd gets his share. Dd doesn't like broccoli so ds gets that.

What I found worked was putting out to serve ourselves. I had one rule... You eat what you put on your plate. Helped them try new things and opened up our eating.

hazeyjane · 29/03/2016 18:11

They pick their meals at the serving hatch! That's school meal madness!!

Mistigri · 29/03/2016 18:19

I think it's inevitable unfortunately that a very fussy eater will influence family meals to some extent.

My DS (13) is still terribly fussy ... Won't touch sauces or wet/mixed together foods. We tend to do a mixture of meals that we can all eat, meals that we know he won't eat but he will manage part of (eg if we have pasta with sauce, he'll eat plain pasta with grated cheese), and occasionally ready meals just for him.

Lots of children gradually grow out of fussiness with regular exposure to different foods (my DD did), but not all do and eventually you realise that it's a lot less stressful just to compromise.

trashcanjunkie · 29/03/2016 18:27

Mine have peanut butter sarnies everyday for lunch. I give them something else very occasionally but they just prefer the pb. Bleargh.

PhoenixReisling · 29/03/2016 18:32

Oh they pick it at school Shock

We book meals online, so I suppose I get a little more control that way.

BackforGood · 29/03/2016 18:37

a) That cannot be described as a fussy eater for any 5 yr old Hmm
b) good luck with a 5 yr old remembering 14 days worth of what has been agreed Grin
c) Having 14 days worth of different meals is probably a lot more variety than many busy families have - I don't think any reasonable person can complain at lack of variety with 14 different meals over a fortnight
d) Again, the veg is hardly limited for a 5 yr old or most people, but I can't see what's to stop you putting other veg on for the rest of you and him not having to eat that one ? Confused
e)No, I wouldn't 'pander to a 5 yr old' or 'let a 5 yr old dictate what the family eats' but you've got enough there to keep you going, and, when you have a busy family life, then yes, sometimes it's just easier to put what you know they will eat in front of them for a while, even if it's not your first choice of menu.
f) If you particularly enjoy cooking, and like to make more exotic things, then pick one night a week where he gets an "on toast" meal and you can have the hottest curry or chilli or sushi or whatever it is you reckon you are missing out on. - It doesn't have to be "always" / "never" here, there's room to compromise.