AIBU to allow my fussiest child to dictate the family's meal plan?

[LittleNelle]

I just can't deal with the moaning and refusal from my 5yo at every meal time anymore. My parents have been nagging me to just feed him what he'll eat so I have decided to try that.

We went through a meal plan together and he has nominated 14 meals, including vegetables, that he promises he will eat. AIBU to just cook those dinners and nothing else?

I agree that seems like a pretty healthy, balanced, non-fussy list of foods

I am lucky and have two very non-fussy eaters but I'm not really an adventurous cook so our meals don't stray too far from what you've outlined... maybe I should increase my repertoire!

That is a way more varied diet than any of my family growing up in rural Ireland or post-war Britain could ever have dreamed of. And way more varied than many of my older relations would eat now. He doesn't sound fussy at all - maybe a bit dramatic though?

*you shouldn't let him decide what the entire family eats.

No 5yo should wield that much power. I sound dramatic but seriously, it doesn't end well!*

This - you really are storing up issues for the future. Make sure you give him a range of foods that he will/can eat but otherwise cook what you normally would. Making an issue of food and food choice is a recipe for disaster.

OnlyLovers - that's been my strategy up til now, with an added 'I don't want to hear about what you don't like' but it's just painful watching him push his food around, pick out miniscule bits of onion, inspect every forkful suspiciously, moan and ultimately barely eat anything.

I dream of just sitting down to a meal that is eaten and appreciated by everyone.

You've got a lot of scope there though. As pp said - stew and mash for you is easily sausage and mash for him, chicken, rice and peas for him, chicken stir fry with rice for the rest etc. and on nights when it's not easy to give him a pared down version of what you're having then, yes, he's not going to starve on the odd night of eating bread and butter. I think it would definitely BU to have the rest of the family eating fish fingers and peas or pesto pasta for dinner on a regular basis because of a 5 year old.

Fussy is a child that just eats pasta. Plain pasta.

[sob]

Ds2 eats pasta (plain), red sauce, chicken nuggets, chips sometimes, carrots, fishfingers, cereal, crap yoghurt, and ham sandwiches.

It's a fucking nightmare that is destroying our meal times. He gets anxious about what is for dinner, even with a meal plan, from the end of school. All he has is 1 spoonful of family dinner with one of his safe foods.
I have zero advice but will make space at this brick wall I am banging my head against.

(According to behavioural wumman we saw, that's plenty of variety.

I dream of just sitting down to a meal that is eaten and appreciated by everyone.

But you've got 14 such options where that would be the case plus plenty of suggestions for ways to slightly amend this childs menu whilst allowing the rest of you to enjoy other meals

I would go for it. Mealtimes as a battleground is soul destroying.

When you are making them for the first couple of weeks is make a bit extra to freeze so that when you want to do something you know he won't eat you can easily heat home something he will.

Also have you tried allowing serving themselves veg? Veg was a big battleground here until I started just putting bowls of each on the table and letting them help themselves. I find they eat way more veg because they'll pick what they have a notion for rather than an arbitrary mix. It'd also allow you to have options he doesn't like without it being an issue. It may also look/feel less dictatorial if everyone has the choice.

I dream of just sitting down to a meal that is eaten and appreciated by everyone.

Bloody hell that sort of shit only happens in Utopian fantasy, doesn't it??

He isn't that fussy, he really isn't. It all sounds like a bit of drama over not much.

Well you could make 2-3 meals every meal time to cater to the dc.

[not something I do obviously ]

I would've over the moon with the variety of veg your child will eat. My fussy son eats sweetcorn and apples. That's it. Oh, and will lick broccoli.

You call that fussy?

No. I think if you do let him dictate you are giving him the power to limit his diet even further.
My five year old sounds very similar to yours and has been the same from about 10/11 months.
I generally serve three safe meals a week, two less safe meals and two meals he probably won't eat. I do try and serve an element he likes. For example I often serve side salads as he eats raw veg happily.
My 'rules' at the table are
everyone's sits down even if they don't eat,
nobody has to eat anything they don't want to,
and if you don't like it then quietly leave it, there is no need to announce it.

It has been a hard slog but he has got to a stage where he will at least try most new foods and he will now eat a bit of mashed potato, cooked carrots, celeriac, chicken that is not in a curry and slow cooked pork and beef.

It's like a cafe in my house, I have one with asd and a very limited diet, one picky eater who gets freaked out by anything that takes too much chewing (like any unprocessed meat), me who is medium picky and DH who will eat anything. We usually all have something similar, but with simpler versions for the DCs. If me and DH want something nice that we know the DCs won't eat, I'll make them something seperate otherwise I won't enjoy mine for all the moaning!

OP, I do hear you. But it might only be painful for a bit longer, until he gets over it.
And can you and the rest just carry on, chat among yourselves, include him but not make a big deal if he doesn't reply etc, rather than watching him fuss?

I dream of just sitting down to a meal that is eaten and appreciated by everyone. I think it will happen. I also think it will happen when he's got the message that a) he eats what he's given and b) he doesn't get special attention for being fussy.

i'd write out his list in big letters and stick it to the fridge.

Pact- you choose one night from your list and we'll all eat it without moaning, and the alternate night I'll chose from MY and you'll eat it without moaning

You might just get through the month without duplication, without giving him the power AND other get to choose too

I am a complete softie regarding food and I do try to make meals the children will eat so I do variations... Added things for DH and I, mixture of vegetables so chikdren can choose. I encourage them to try different things but within reason.. I am flexible.

I'd not let a child dictate food plans tbh. It could make your life much harder later down the line.

I'd suggest -

ignoring your parents and tell them, bluntly if you have to, 'my house my rules'. You cook so you should cook whatever you choose. They wont have to live with a fussy child day in day out.

If you are pushing and trying to persuade them to eat. Stop.

Cook a meal. Serve the meal. Let your DS decide what he eats from that meal and what he doesn't.

Make at least 1 day a week the day he chooses the food.

get him to help you cook the meals. Even if its only very small things he does to help like cutting up mushrooms or opening cans with a can opener (If he can manage) putting vegetables into pans, getting ingredients out of the fridge, even grating cheese to go on top of pasta or selecting the potatoes from the bag.

Get him handling food, especially unfamiliar foods and showing how to prepare them will hopefully get him intrigued enough to try new things.

no, he's not too young to be taught how to use a knife to cut vegetables. I bought a small round ended knife for DS to use to cut vegetables and as long as you supervise and show how to use it safely he'll manage just fine. If you don't feel comfortable just yet there's loads of other ways he can help.

I think food shouldn't be a battleground and meals should be enjoyed by everyone at the table, so on that basis I'd do it. If someone forced me to eat a meal I didn't want to eat, I'd be pretty pissed off and it sounds like your boy does eat a reasonably wide selection of things, but they're just plain. His tastes are plain. I don't think that's unusual.

After a month or so I might ask if someone else has a favourite they'd like to add to the repertoire and see if he accepts that. My son has finally - finally! - learned the difference between food he doesn't like and food that isn't his favourite. He doesn't like butter. That is a flat refusal, it makes him gag. Chicken tikka masala isn't his favourite, but he can eat it. If I offer it once every few weeks, he'll eat it because the menu mostly includes things he actually loves and he can see that there's nothing 'wrong' with it. Take the heat out of mealtimes for a bit and you might get to the same place.

jessbow I really don't think that will work- this child his hardly going to suddenly decide to eat frittata and dhals if he doesn't like them.

Sticking with his meals some nights and a version of others choices, adapted for his meal only on other nights is far more realistic.

OnlyLovers, he has always been like this, I have never pandered to fussiness or made a big deal over it and it's always been a case of eat it or go without. I don't think he's going to change anytime soon.

Oh yes, and ignore your parents. Not their business.

SOunds within the range of normal for a 5 year old, like others have said. It sounds like the issue is the fussing not what he's actually eating. You need to show him that this just washes over you and not pander to it. I think you're letting him have too much control over what the family eats and it's also a lot of pressure for a 5 year old - pick everything you want to eat for the next two weeks and then eat it without fuss? This is what I do, and have always done, it may or may not work for you:

If asked 'what's for supper?', I tell them in a neutral tone
If told 'I don't like that' I say 'Oh dear, never mind' and usher them out of the kitchen
Food is served
Anyone picking/inspecting/playing with food is ignored within reason (if they're really making a mess or doing something disgusting, they are told to stop
They eat what they want, if very little is eaten, they are encouraged to try what's on their plate, again, I don't bring my anxieties or attach any emotion to the outcome
If they don't want to eat, they are warned 'there's nothing else, you may be hungry later'
If the food is largely intact, I may cover it at this stage, then if they are hungry later they can have it reheated

They generally eat when they're hungry. Some days very little supper is eaten, but they'll make up for it with a big breakfast. No drama. When they're in the right mood, they'll eat pretty much anything, which tells me that the fussiness isn't due to real hatred of the food. I don't sweat it, they won't starve themselves.

How about cooking the 14 meals but intruding more interesting side dishes fir the rest of you that he's expected to try one bite of. That seems like a better compromise. He gets s meal he likes but tries something new.