AIBU to be so angry at DH over porn lies

[Piratepete1]

I could really do with some advice and maybe some perspective here.

DH and I have been happily married for 7 years and have 2 small DC. From the beginning our sex life was always ok, never fireworks and particularly adventurous but nice enough. However, since years trying to conceive, clinical sex during infertility and then 2 very difficult babies our sex life dwindled away to hardly anything as we were too knackered.

I've always known that DH liked porn and it was something that never really bothered me as long as he didn't rub my face in it. He was always very discrete and it didn't affect out sex life. I will admit that my feelings towards porn changed when we had our daughter as I now see it as someone's child being exploited and it doesn't sit very well with me. DH was aware of my changing feelings but doesn't see it the same way. I felt that it was unfair of me to suddenly say 'no porn' when I knew he enjoyed it when we got together so again I tolerated him using it discretely.

Things came to a head a while ago when he started becoming very protective of his phone. I naturally became suspicious and was concerned he was having an affair, despite him not really being the type to do this I don't think. I got hold of his phone to have a look. His browsing history was absolutely shocking- there was so much porn and so often. Nothing illegal or particularly nasty porn but a hell of a lot. Every time I left the house he must have been straight on the Internet. I confronted him, he apologised and cried and admitted he was addicted to porn. He agreed to cut down and things improved for a while. With his agreement I put the router porn blockers on and he has a mobile phone which is on my account so parental controls have not been taken off. He has been telling me he hasn't looked at porn since but our sex life hasn't improved. He never really wants sex and, when we do it he can't maintain an erection for long and certainly never finishes.

Today I walked into the lounge unexpected. He jumped out of his skin and turned his iPad off quicker than the speed of light, looking very guilty. I asked him what he was hiding from me and he made up about 3 ridiculous stories about nonsense in Facebook. I didn't believe him. We had an almighty row and he admitted he had downloaded a virtual private network to get around the porn filters and I had walked in on him getting is rocks off. Again he was very apologetic, says he is addicted and thinks he has a problem with getting it up and needs viagra. I think all these problems stem from the porn and he needs to treat it as any other addiction by cutting it out of his life forever.

I don't know where to go from here. I am so angry and disgusted by him at the moment. I just think he is pathetic and I feel I have lost all respect for him today. He is over 40 with 2 kids for gods sake and needs to grow up.

I've told him we need a break and he needs to go and stay at his moms for a bit. I don't know where to go from here.

It's more likely that the ED is caused by wanking too much/too hard

No, it really isn't (I'm a GP). The overstimulation of porn use won't have helped of course but it is actually surprising that he has ever had reasonable erections if his testosterone is low enough to need injections. He has probably been struggling for years and got into a negative cycle where he expects to lose the erection, so he does.

I'd love to see the reactions if a man posted in AIBU, saying his DW wouldn't have sex/was using porn and not even mentioning that she had a severe prolapse (say) then dropping that in later in the thread without even acknowledging that the prolapse might have caused the sex problem. Oh and btw he has just told her to get out and that she will be losing the children.

"And without being crass, no I don't think acting like a porn star would be the worst thing in the world!"

Really? Well in that case people who expect their partners to behave like porn stars wont mind if that involves the partner sleeping with other people.

After all thats what porn stars do which im sure is what you meant because you wouldnt have posted just to suit a certain agenda im sure

People should be careful what they wish for.

" I will admit that my feelings towards porn changed when we had our daughter as I now see it as someone's child being exploited and it doesn't sit very well with me"

He looks at pictures of children?

He looks at pictures of children

No - read the OP - specifically says nothing illegal or particularly nasty.

Agree with everything shiny says.

This guy needs your love, sympathy and compassion. You need to apologise for your initial reaction, and step up now and be his support and get to the route of what is going on.

I can't believe the people telling the OP that she is unreasonable. This attitude is why women put up with such shit from men. Using porn exessivly is hurtful, full stop, regardless of his medical issues.

Unfuckingbelievable. He uses porn and his wife should apologize?

Bloody hell.

OP should praise the cock. Revere the cock. The cock is almighty. Don't upset the cock, oh no terrible things can happen like relationships ending and women having to manage without a man

Think on, women.

Like many women, I am deeply uncomfortable with the way that women are portrayed in most pornography and I agree that the OP's DH would be better off reducing his use of it. But I also believe that sexual partners need to show each other compassion. This has nothing to do with male privilege - if the OP had psychological difficulties with sex, I'd expect her DH to show patience and compassion. What is wrong with expecting the same in reverse?

If op had difficulties with sex, would you excuse her use of material that damages both men and women or would you expect better of her ?

YY AF i suspect some of the answers on here would have been different if the OP had been doing this over a copy of Maestra.

Thats the closest comparison you could possibly get but you still would get the "what about the menz" brigade trying to compare words on a page to internet porn. And then twist it into it STILL being the womans fault.

HelenaDove I think that would be because the OP is emotionally involved with this man, may want to save their relationship and may want to play a role in getting this problem sorted out.

I agree 100% with WorraLiberty.

He sounds like he needs help breaking this habit. I think a GP / counsellor / therapist might be able to help him see once again, the beauty and benefits of sharing a physical relationship with the woman he loves, rather than sitting behind his laptop pulling himself about.

The question is - is he willing to do that, as well as do you wish to go through this with him.

if the OP had psychological difficulties with sex, I'd expect her DH to show patience and compassion. What is wrong with expecting the same in reverse?

It's not just the porn, its that lies too...he has continually lied to the op. Let this issue affect his sex life with op, and he hasn't be upfront about it at all.

Where do we draw the line? Does op have to keep having the same conversation with him over his habit? How long for?