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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so angry at DH over porn lies

63 replies

Piratepete1 · 27/03/2016 21:22

I could really do with some advice and maybe some perspective here.

DH and I have been happily married for 7 years and have 2 small DC. From the beginning our sex life was always ok, never fireworks and particularly adventurous but nice enough. However, since years trying to conceive, clinical sex during infertility and then 2 very difficult babies our sex life dwindled away to hardly anything as we were too knackered.

I've always known that DH liked porn and it was something that never really bothered me as long as he didn't rub my face in it. He was always very discrete and it didn't affect out sex life. I will admit that my feelings towards porn changed when we had our daughter as I now see it as someone's child being exploited and it doesn't sit very well with me. DH was aware of my changing feelings but doesn't see it the same way. I felt that it was unfair of me to suddenly say 'no porn' when I knew he enjoyed it when we got together so again I tolerated him using it discretely.

Things came to a head a while ago when he started becoming very protective of his phone. I naturally became suspicious and was concerned he was having an affair, despite him not really being the type to do this I don't think. I got hold of his phone to have a look. His browsing history was absolutely shocking- there was so much porn and so often. Nothing illegal or particularly nasty porn but a hell of a lot. Every time I left the house he must have been straight on the Internet. I confronted him, he apologised and cried and admitted he was addicted to porn. He agreed to cut down and things improved for a while. With his agreement I put the router porn blockers on and he has a mobile phone which is on my account so parental controls have not been taken off. He has been telling me he hasn't looked at porn since but our sex life hasn't improved. He never really wants sex and, when we do it he can't maintain an erection for long and certainly never finishes.

Today I walked into the lounge unexpected. He jumped out of his skin and turned his iPad off quicker than the speed of light, looking very guilty. I asked him what he was hiding from me and he made up about 3 ridiculous stories about nonsense in Facebook. I didn't believe him. We had an almighty row and he admitted he had downloaded a virtual private network to get around the porn filters and I had walked in on him getting is rocks off. Again he was very apologetic, says he is addicted and thinks he has a problem with getting it up and needs viagra. I think all these problems stem from the porn and he needs to treat it as any other addiction by cutting it out of his life forever.

I don't know where to go from here. I am so angry and disgusted by him at the moment. I just think he is pathetic and I feel I have lost all respect for him today. He is over 40 with 2 kids for gods sake and needs to grow up.

I've told him we need a break and he needs to go and stay at his moms for a bit. I don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 28/03/2016 00:10

"Again he was very apologetic, says he is addicted and thinks he has a problem with getting it up and needs viagra"

Why would you write this in your OP if you already knew he has low testosterone and problems with ED?

Original poster
Piratepete1 · 28/03/2016 00:14

When his low testosterone was discovered it wasn't causing him any problems. The ED is only a very recent thing.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/03/2016 00:17

Well it may not have caused any obvious problems but you say...

From the beginning our sex life was always ok, never fireworks and particularly adventurous but nice enough

So perhaps with hindsight the problem was always in the background even if you didn't realise it?

Original poster
Piratepete1 · 28/03/2016 00:19

Yes I think you may be right Worra, it probably was

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 28/03/2016 00:20

Fair enough but how does ED stop him from doing his share of childcare and housework.

Original poster
Piratepete1 · 28/03/2016 00:26

He's not too bad with the housework and childcare. He works and I don't so i do the lions share. He does the dishwasher and the bins, always helps with the nighttime routine and gets the children's breakfasts in the morning. He doesn't do much else without a bit of a moan and will happily watch me toiling away until 10pm while he lounges on the settee doing nothing.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/03/2016 00:26

ED clearly doesn't stop him from doing his share of childcare and housework, so that subject is completely separate to the problem the OP is most concerned about here.

Probably best to tackle one problem at a time.

WorraLiberty · 28/03/2016 00:29

But as you've mentioned it...if he helps with the night time routine, what is there left to toil away at until 10pm?

I must admit if I'd been at work all day, then came home and helped put the kids to bed, I would probably 'lounge' on the settee doing nothing too, rather than toil away until 10pm.

To be fair.

WorraLiberty · 28/03/2016 00:30

Sorry if that wasn't clear.

What I meant was, do you really need to toil away until late at night, or could you relax a bit more and leave some things for the morning?

AntiHop · 28/03/2016 01:47
Flowers I agree with what HelenaDove wrote above. Op, you are justified in your feelings about this. Porn is very exploitative and he's showing his lack of respect for you and women generally.
swiggityswoogity · 28/03/2016 04:56

Sounds like he will be better off without you.

Don't understand how having sex with women (porn) is disrespectful. Fairly sure men are also involved in the production of porn

whattodowiththepoo · 28/03/2016 05:39

Yabu

mrsmiggins6 · 28/03/2016 05:52

I don't think you should be angry with him or threatening leaving. Communication and sex are massively important parts of a marriage and in those two areas you BOTH need work IMO. You need to see a sex therapist I think to find out what is going on. But it sounds like he isn't aroused by the sex that is happening, and you can both work on that. Spice it up! He shouldn't have to hide his feelings from you and should have been able to open up, you need to make sure he can do that from now on, without laying on the guilt. It is important you are both happy sexually.

Happyinthehills · 28/03/2016 06:28

YANBU he's admitted his porn use is such a problem - he has said he's addicted and it's clearly having an affect on your sex life together.

It's time for him to do something about it for himself rather than have you police him and him find ways round that.

Agadooo · 28/03/2016 18:21

Helena-because op says its massively affecting their relationship/marriage -so would surely be good to talk it all out in the open.

HelenaDove · 28/03/2016 18:33

I agree with Happyinthehills. He has to take responsibility for his own actions.

And what do you mean by spice it up mrs miggins. Is the OP expected to act like a porn star?

Why the fuck is all the responsibility being put onto her.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 28/03/2016 19:07

I don't know if it helps OP but just a bit of insight for you; I had an ex who was verging on a porn addiction. Far from having no respect for women he put the real-life women - especially ones he had loving feelings for - on such a pedestal they became untouchable to him. He could not become aroused with a "real" woman but in porn he found a release where he could enjoy sexual feelings for women free from the self-imposed pressure and expectation of actually being in the presence of one.

I think some sort of talking therapy for one or both you is certainly the way to go.

HelenaDove · 28/03/2016 19:22

Thats the Madonna/whore complex.

MamaMotherMummy · 28/03/2016 20:12

What a shock for you. Flowers

He clearly does have an addiction, otherwise he wouldn't have tried to download a new network. Considering his medical issues, I would guess he might have low self esteem and not feel like enough of a 'man'. I hear a lot of men watch porn because it is like an emotional escape for them in which they feel capable and wanted and desired.

Original poster
Piratepete1 · 29/03/2016 00:06

He has agreed to make an appointment with the GP tomorrow. I think that his work offers 6 free counselling appointment so he has agreed to that as well. I know I need to be supportive and see if we can get through this once and for all but I am still so angry. He is sleeping in the spare room and he have barely spoken all day. The children have noticed it as my 4 year old was very clingy today and then asked for a family cuddle tonight :-( I need to try and get over this and move forward I know.

OP posts:
Agadooo · 29/03/2016 08:09

Stay strong x

mrsmiggins6 · 29/03/2016 08:24

I don't think all the responsibility should be on her but I don't think it's all his 'fault' and he is some dirty creep with ishoos. I also doubt he is an addict or would think he has betrayed OP because he downloaded another app. People are usually secretive for a reason, if he could be honest then he wouldn't have had to be secretive.

And without being crass, no I don't think acting like a porn star would be the worst thing in the world! If it were my husband I would find out what turns him on about the porn, what it is that is so appealing and try and meet his needs (as well as my own).

shinynewusername · 29/03/2016 08:58

So the poor guy has low testosterone to the point where he needs 3 monthly injections? Surely, OP, you must be aware that low testosterone is likely to cause ED? Your DH is very likely suffering huge psychological and emotional fallout as a result of the ED/low testosterone and feeling (wrongly of course) that he is not a 'proper man'. Not only are you completely unsympathetic, but you don't even seem to be aware or care that he has been struggling. No wonder he didn't feel he could be honest with you about using porn as you don't seem to have spared a thought for him. And now you are depriving your DC of a loving father.

I don't condone him lying but I think the lies are a tiny issue when compared to your lack of sympathy and care for him.

differentnameforthis · 29/03/2016 09:32

It's more likely that the ED is caused by wanking too much/too hard, to be fair.

The op states that the porn has been a problem for the duration of their relationship, yet the ED is "only very recent" so I doubt he has been trying to "cure" the ED by watching porn.

OP's reasons for not liking porn at not up for discussion here, her dh has known for a while now that she isn't happy about the effect it is having on their sex life, yet he refuses to curb his usage & work on his relationship with op.

OP, only you can decide what it is you need. Yes, counselling might work, but he isn't going to give up porn if he doesn't really want to. You need to decide if you are willing to live with his constant lies until (and if) he gets this sorted.

You are not being unreasonable if you can't do it anymore.

differentnameforthis · 29/03/2016 09:38

I need to try and get over this and move forward I know Do not let people dismiss your feelings on this op.