I'd be really rude to point this out, wouldn't I?

[Ivegotyourgoat]

Every time I go to mil and fil house for dinner, mil cooks a lovely meal. Fil sits on his arse while she cooks, then eats the meal.

After everyones eaten, so that could be my dh, sil and her dh, mil and fil, fils brother and his dw, the women go in to clear up and make hot drinks while the men sit on their arses some more. Fil and his brother usually fall asleep and let their drinks go cold, sils husband plays on his ipad. The women all clear up and wash and dry up. My dh sits on his arse too, although we do have a baby to look after and he does look after the baby.

I feel that I should chip in with the clearing up, but as I'm doing it I get really angry that the men are all sleeping and sitting down. I don't want to clean their plates while they lounge around.

In our house we clear up together.

Dh says his mum likes clearing up and that I shouldn't help because she doesn't mind.

What's the polite thing to do here?

I'm now wondering if you are one of the women from my friendship group maryz...that's exactly how our last Christmas meet up went!

To be fair to all the husbands, they did all the washing up and cleaning up. I think we got a good deal.

Yanbu. It's really difficult to visit a gender divided house and not look like a lazy bitch.

My mil and sil both do the fussing in the kitchen while men watch sport thing. As a visitor, I feel I should offer to help. But my DP is the one that's actually related to them and he's sitting on his arse so why should I go and get the men's dinner ready?

I just have to accept the fact that deep down, my in laws think I'm lady muck who expects to be waited on.

Thanks Morris that's exactly it.

Next time, why don't you hand the baby to your MIL after the meal, grab your DH by the arm, and say "come on, DH, let your mum have some fun with her grandchild and we'll go and clean up in the kitchen."

That way, MIL gets to feel useful, and you get to do your bit to help, AND in the process your DH will look like a tit if he says he's not coming. Although make sure he doesn't use the "oh just let me watch the rest of the first half then I'll be out". If he does that, don't move till he does!

My in-laws are similar. DW's aunt was amazed when she heard me saying "thank you" for my meal (she has a husband and two adult sons), and almost wet herself when I cleared up and washed up afterwards.

Brother-in-law, who lives with us, does fuck all.

Alpaca yes! South Wales valleys!!

I could easily let this scenario really annoy me, OP. But I'd be sitting back with the menfolk, unless asked specifically to help.

Maybe then they'd invite me less

You're already starting a new generation of equality for your own children to grow up in.

PIL had a similar set up and MIL 'enjoyed doing everything' until she dropped dead mid-sixties. FIL for the first time was alone without a woman to look after him. Over the years, spurred on by having babies and MN things have shifted. FIL's 'Oh a cup of tea would go down well' would be countered by 'oh yes please, bf is thirsty work'. Now nearly 90 he doesn't do anything to help but dh does. He does most of the food stuff now at FIL's, although I do everything when at my parents' house 'because I don't know where things are' despite them moving into the house after we met and having been there same number of times.

This weekend I have sadly had to bring lots of work with me to FIL's so dh has been doing everything. Strangely though we eat out a lot more these days when we visit.

If anyone came just on a Sunday to my parents house they'd think just DM and the women do the kitchen work but in reality the rest of the week my DDad is the tea boy. His jobs are also hoovering and mopping. As soon as anyone is through the door, and they get lots of visitors a week, he's making the endless cups of tea.

My in-laws have a very traditional setup and I wouldn't dream of questioning it. My MIL has reaped all the rewards of being a traditional stay-at-home wife of grown children and I don't think she'd be too impressed with me dragging FIL into the kitchen for cleanup duty.

I grew up in a house where my mum does everything for my brother and father. When they come for christen I tell my mum to sit down and get my brother to help with washing up etc.

*christmas I mean not christen!

I can only speak of funerals in South Wales up to the 1990s, but women went to the funeral service in church with the men (no children), but not to the cemetery - they sorted out the food at home for when people went back afterwards. If the service was conducted at the house, the cortège left for the cemetery with just men, ditto women and food. No idea why, never thought to ask - would now though

I would be VERY DISAPPOINTED in DH for thinking that it was OK and that his mum "wanted" to do all the work.

My mil and sil both do the fussing in the kitchen while men watch sport thing. As a visitor, I feel I should offer to help. But my DP is the one that's actually related to them and he's sitting on his arse so why should I go and get the men's dinner ready?

Is nothing to do with being related, it's to do with being a guest. And just because your DP is rude, doesn't mean you should be.