I'd be really rude to point this out, wouldn't I?

[Ivegotyourgoat]

Every time I go to mil and fil house for dinner, mil cooks a lovely meal. Fil sits on his arse while she cooks, then eats the meal.

After everyones eaten, so that could be my dh, sil and her dh, mil and fil, fils brother and his dw, the women go in to clear up and make hot drinks while the men sit on their arses some more. Fil and his brother usually fall asleep and let their drinks go cold, sils husband plays on his ipad. The women all clear up and wash and dry up. My dh sits on his arse too, although we do have a baby to look after and he does look after the baby.

I feel that I should chip in with the clearing up, but as I'm doing it I get really angry that the men are all sleeping and sitting down. I don't want to clean their plates while they lounge around.

In our house we clear up together.

Dh says his mum likes clearing up and that I shouldn't help because she doesn't mind.

What's the polite thing to do here?

I know what you're all saying. I'm blaming them, but if my dh got up and helped wash up, or left the pub to help prepare food, then I wouldn't feel half as resentful would I?

I hadn't really looked at it in that way and only focusing on what he does a home. Yet if his sister can get off her bum to help, then so can he.

It's less about what fil does and more about dh helping his mum.

Does your DH make you happy? if he does stop stressing about what makes the other tick..

I agree with Worra.

It's not your house and not your relationship. There may be things you and your DH do that your MIL doesn't agree with either, but bites her tongue out of politeness.

Totally. It's a difference of opinion and different ways. Neither is wrong. (It'd secretly wind me up though as men aren't useless and CAN get off their arses to clear away things if they try )
You presumably wouldn't like it if MIL came into your house and imposed her ways on you? So why should it be any different when you're at her house?
Suck it up when there.
When they're at yours, though should apply for the other way round for MIL. Make DH get up and do some work, and if she doesn't like it, tough. Your house, your roolz.

This is why I broke up with the love of my life - the first guy I really fell in love with, because his mother and sister used to do everything as women whilst the men relaxed!! They even ran the men's bath water and blow dried their hair (they were hairdressers to be fair). But when we used to have people around the men would sit and his mom would call all the women and we'd have to scrub pots whilst the men had a beer! We weren't even allowed a beer as it wasn't ladylike and we had to drink either wine or a gin with tonic!

It got way to much, especially when I did open my mouth and said something I was told it's our duty as women to be in the kitchen 😡😡😡. I rebelled and eventually I wasn't invited to his house anymore and we broke up. It broke my heart as he actually wasn't like that at all, he used to do stuff in his house and we'd wash dishes and cook together, but unfortunately his family were and they lived around the block so they can keep his house clean and do his laundry and hair! The worst thing was his sister cleared her wardrobe and gave me some of her items which I kindly declined as she was five foot and a size 6. I'm 5.6 and a size 8-10 so nothing would have fitten and it would have been too short. I was told I should go on diet as I didn't to be slim if I ever wanted a husband

Not didn't to be slim, it should be should be slim!

Worraliberty honestly, if I had my way I wouldn't go to eat regularly. I certainly don't ask, I'm expected to go.

Well don't do them any favours will you?

I'm sure if they could read this thread, they'd realise how much they're putting you out and making you miserable by inviting you to their home, for lovely meals.

Just accept with good grace and help out, so that you're not as lazy as your DH is, or just don't go at all.

It doesn't matter what anyone 'expects' of you.

But you're just going around in circles here, wringing your hands over what should be nice occasions.

And WTF is fitten 😂😂😂. It should be fit me

Ivegotyourgoat Sun 27-Mar-16 20:48:20
Worraliberty honestly, if I had my way I wouldn't go to eat regularly. I certainly don't ask, I'm expected to go.

I think you may need to scale down that expectation somewhat. Your child is a baby now, but what happens when they are older and you want to do family days out or other stuff at the weekends? Or the child gets party invites/goes to camp, etc?

I think you need to keep some flexibiity going, don't let things like going for dinner get set in stone.

I agree Maryz

And in the case of my ex MIL, she absolutely wouldn't allow anyone to cook or clean in 'her' kitchen, including my ex FIL.

But then equally, she never mended the car, mowed the lawn, did the DIY or took the rubbish out.

It's the way they like it.

God, me too Maryz, especially if my DIL stood up and started 'organising' everyone in my own house

I knew that was going to sound really horrible, but you can't help if you'd rather be a bit less involved.

Sil sees her mum and dad every day and holidays with them every year, they just walk into each others houses. There's nothing wrong with that, but it can be really difficult with in laws if you don't want that level of involvement but I know I made my bed.

Yes, but interestingly you do see a change in 'jobs' between couples, when one gets too elderly or infirm to do it.

My Mum mostly did the hoovering until after her heart by-pass and then my Dad decided to do it.

YANBU. I strongly suggest my H helps his M in kitchen if we go for food. I detest the men sit women serve mentality. Totally disrespectful. Let MIL do it it if she is able and let her give FIL shit for not helping out!

I would find that very annoying too, particularly the way in which by going along with it you are forced to implicitly concur that it's okay for men to do nothing while women skivvy after them.

But the thing is, it isn't just fair division of labour between FIL and MIL, because the OP is expected to pitch in, and the only reason why she is expected to do that is because she is a woman.

Unless there is also a part of the day when the men all hoover the bedrooms while the women drink g&t that the OP hasn't told us about.

It would be rude to try and order FIL and MIL about in their own house though, so I think the solution has to be to ask your DH to come and help in the kitchen too, and give him your reasons for this request.

I'm with Worra and Marz. It's whatever works for them - he may do lots of other jobs around the house when you're not there while MIL sits on the sofa. She just happens to cook and wash up. Quite apart from the major social inapproiateness on commenting on what other people do in their houses! Imagine what would happen if MIL came to your house and started commenting on your domestic routine! Cries of 'toxic,' 'interfering MIL etc.

The thing is, I don't see this as necessarily everyday sexism. It's division of labour in a way that suits the people doing the labour.

I agree with this. Our Christmas often involves all the wives doing the cooking together with the men at the pub with strict instructions not to come home until everything is done. We absolutely love it this way-it's a great time to catch up (not to mention drink gin) without the husbands around getting in the way. One of my other friends said we were setting a terrible example for feminism by assuming the traditional gender roles. It didn't seem to matter to her that this was exactly the way we wanted to do it.

Exactly Purple, that doesn't reflect Christmas in my house at all but you all seem to love it and that's what's important.

The MIL's arrangement seems to suit everyone except the OP, but no-one's forcing her into any of it.

I don't think that there is an equal division of labour and downtime. It's their business though. It does creep into our lives a bit though, because they assume that we are the same.

Those men have worked hard all week. Doing man things that you couldn't possibly understand. If they need to recuperate a bit after lunch then who are you to stop them? I bet you've just been home all week just playing with the baby (which is nothing like a Proper Job). I bet you think women have the right to vote as well...............

But no, in all seriousness. YANBU. Suggest kindly at the table that MIL sits down and has a nice rest after doing all that cooking. Then ask your husband to help you with the cleaning up and ask someone else to watch the bubba. Your inner rage is probably showing on your face already so you've got nothing to lose.