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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'd be really rude to point this out, wouldn't I?

141 replies

Ivegotyourgoat · 27/03/2016 18:01

Every time I go to mil and fil house for dinner, mil cooks a lovely meal. Fil sits on his arse while she cooks, then eats the meal.

After everyones eaten, so that could be my dh, sil and her dh, mil and fil, fils brother and his dw, the women go in to clear up and make hot drinks while the men sit on their arses some more. Fil and his brother usually fall asleep and let their drinks go cold, sils husband plays on his ipad. The women all clear up and wash and dry up. My dh sits on his arse too, although we do have a baby to look after and he does look after the baby.

I feel that I should chip in with the clearing up, but as I'm doing it I get really angry that the men are all sleeping and sitting down. I don't want to clean their plates while they lounge around.

In our house we clear up together.

Dh says his mum likes clearing up and that I shouldn't help because she doesn't mind.

What's the polite thing to do here?

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 27/03/2016 19:43

oops
sh means dh

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 27/03/2016 19:45

My mil used to cook and the women were expected to clear away. There was no dishwasher and a mountain of pots. But mil never worked and fil and DH ran their own business working long hours.

We had lunch at my son's today, so son, dil, DH and me, dil's mum, dad, nan and two children. My son cooked a roast dinner by himself. Usually, they would do it together, but dil has had flu and is a bit under the weather. We set the table and cleared away, but he stacked the dishwasher and made coffee too.

Horses for courses I guess.

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2016 19:45

I'm not sure the OP has mentioned the size of her DH's arse....

However, neither of them should expect to be waited on without chipping in some help imo.

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2016 19:47

Horses for courses I guess

We had lamb Easter Grin

MadamDeathstare · 27/03/2016 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 19:52

A case of do what you do in you own house and abide by what others do in theirs then here.

LunaLunaLovegood · 27/03/2016 19:55

Maybe we should ask this on Gransnet. Does anyone have a MN and GM account? How to negotiate everyday sexism at the inlaws.

DotForShort · 27/03/2016 19:55

Of course it would be terribly rude to say anything to your in-laws. It's their house, presumably they are perfectly content with this division of labour.

Now there is no way on God's green earth that I would ever want to live in such a set-up. But you don't live there. As a guest in their house, you can either a) join in with the clearing up or b) not join in. Smile As can your husband. Then you can return home and enjoy a more equitable arrangement in your own house!

WorraLiberty · 27/03/2016 20:03

Nail on the head there Dot

Good post.

feralgirl · 27/03/2016 20:07

Invite everyone to your house for the next big family occasion and show them how it should be done in the 21stC?

Original poster
Ivegotyourgoat · 27/03/2016 20:09

I'm not sure whether this makes a difference, but they are in laws that like to see us every week. Dh also likes to see his mum and dad probably twice a week. If dh had his way he'd eat there every week. So we're quite involved you could say. Special occasions have to be spent together too.

It might be easier to tolerate if it were less often.

OP posts:
StarlingMurmuration · 27/03/2016 20:10

The first time I went to my DP's parents for Sunday lunch, it was mentioned that the men usually went to the pub while the women cook. I wasn't having any of it, I went to the pub too (not leaving MIL alone, she had DSIL and a niece and sister there too.) I can't be having with that kind of casual sexism. DFIL never ever helps cook or even helps make sandwiches, but he does at least help clear and wash up. DP is entirely civilised, however.

Original poster
Ivegotyourgoat · 27/03/2016 20:10

I definitely won't be pointing anything out though. It seems an overwhelming live and let live.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/03/2016 20:12

Invite everyone to your house for the next big family occasion and show them how it should be done in the 21stC?

There is no should as long as both people who live in the house are happy with the arrangement.

But it would also be rude, as a guest, not to offer to help.

Original poster
Ivegotyourgoat · 27/03/2016 20:13

Perhaps nannyogg but isn't it rude to let your dil and guest clear up after you while you sit down.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/03/2016 20:15

I'm not sure whether this makes a difference, but they are in laws that like to see us every week

That's even better. One week you can help out and the following week your DH can and you can both keep that going.

Invite everyone to your house for the next big family occasion and show them how it should be done in the 21stC?

Really? You think a couple who have been doing things a certain way to suit them for years and years, are suddenly going to decide to change because they've seen it done differently?

Do you think they've never seen other families doing different things?

Original poster
Ivegotyourgoat · 27/03/2016 20:18

I do like the idea, unfortunately dh has decided that his mum enjoys cleaning up after everyone. He's of the opinion that I should just sit down with him.

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 20:19

You must have known they we're a close knit family before marrying him then OP?

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 20:20

weird thing to be so worried about.

itsbetterthanabox · 27/03/2016 20:22

No it wouldn't be rude to mention it.
You are enabling and supporting it be doing the same. If I were you I'd go sit down and tell my partner to clean up. Why don't you do that?

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 20:22

DH isn't telling you to "get out there" and was up though is he?

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 20:22

wash up.

Vintage45 · 27/03/2016 20:24

Oh i hate these threads where the OP thinks she needs to make some sort of change for humanity. Do gooders always get my back up.

scarlets · 27/03/2016 20:26

I think that all you can do is ensure that DH helps his mum, thereby setting a good example to your child. Maybe lazy FiL will feel embarrassed and pitch in eventually.

This setup raises the serious issue of how he'd manage domestically if she predeceased him (and vice versa, if he handles the finances etc). It's not sensible to divide jobs so definitively, with one having no clue about investments, or how to work the oven/microwave/washing machine. I work with bereaved spouses a lot, in the financial arena, and a small but worrying percentage of widowed people have the added strain of having no clue about the family money when they should be focusing on their grief.

Lweji · 27/03/2016 20:27

Why does he think she likes clearing after everyone?
Can he explain it?